Saturday, March 28, 2009

Hard Times

I’m not gonna lie, the past week has been really, very rough on me. I’m learning a ton every single day and from each situation, but it doesn’t mean that it hurts any less. Being a teacher is not something I love, as you all know, but I’m doing my best and I love my students for the most part. I can’t believe that there are only 7 weeks of school left… it’s pretty unreal to think of how fast the time has gone by. Spring break starts on the 4th or April and it can’t come soon enough. I’m hopefully going to travel to Kenya with some very dear friends of mine. It’s sure to be an adventure! We’re wanting to go to Nairobi, to the Masai Mara region, and to Mombasa. Mombasa is on the coast and I’ve heard it absolutely beautiful. Last year in April I was on the beach in Florida and this year in April I’ll be on the beach in Kenya… good stuff! The best part about the whole trip to Mombasa is that you can ride camels on the beach! How awesome is that?! Many of you don’t know this, I’m sure, but I love camels and I think they’re so funny. Basically I’ll be fulfilling a dream by doing this. I’m really excited to see the Indian Ocean too. Only one more ocean to see after this. ☺
Anyway, I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’m learning more and more each day how difficult it is to be a parent. A child that I love dearly is struggling quite a bit right now and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. We have been like best friends for a while now, but the person is to the point where I’m not as needed any more and man that is killing. I feel like my hand are tied and I just have to sit back and watch the situation unfold before me. I can only protect them so much and the rest is up to God. It’s been so hard and heartbreaking for me. I have to feel needed and when I don’t, I feel totally useless. I guess as a youth pastor that’s something that you just have to learn. I’ve become so attached to the kid that one of the main reasons for coming back is work with them and students like them. I want so much just to love on the kids and teach them about Jesus. I guess right now I’m struggling to find a balance. I’ve got to let the kid be a kid and make their own choices, but man is that hard.
I’ve been through a lot with a lot of people here and it’s not anything I wish I could change. I’m SO grateful for every thing that I’ve encountered since getting here and I’ve grown so much because of it. I just want each person to remember my involvement with them and remember how much I truly love them even after I’m back in the States.
Last time I updated I wrote about how difficult it is for me to think about leaving here and that is ringing ever true right now. It’s so strange to think that in 2 and a half months I won’t be here anymore and I won’t be a part of these people’s lives. Obviously my hope is to be a part of their lives whether I’m in the States or here; I just hope that remains.
It’s a bit egotistical to think that it should be difficult for people to function the same way without me here, but sometimes that’s how I think. I don’t think this because I think I can fix the world, but I’d like to think that my presence has a made some kind of an impact on someone’s life in the past 9 months (that’s how long I’ve been gone… exactly from today); an impact that they won’t soon forget.
Beyond all that, I’m still waiting to hear about being able to return next year. Waiting is the worst part let me tell you!
Um, I’ve has the opportunity to teach a few music classes in the past few weeks and I’ve absolutely loved it! I can’t believe that I didn’t continue with my music education degree. It’s definitely made me realize that I don’t dislike teaching EVERYTHING. It’s just something else to consider doing whenever my time is up here. Music has always been a passion of mine and I love watching the students begin to grasp even the basics… it’s so fun!
Prayer requests: Please, please, please pray for Lino. My heart is heavy for him right now and I can’t say much more than that, but he really needs you prayers right now. Pray for his guardians. Pray for me as I try to figure out where I fit in with his situation. Pray for Heritage International School. Pray for the youth to thirst for Jesus. Pray for a continued connection with some of the youth and that more of them would have a desire to hang out. Pray for WGM, here and in the States. Pray for my family, for my nieces, for my friends. Pray for my continued health and safety. Pray the condition of my heart.
Alright friends, midnight is approaching and I have a full day tomorrow after church. I hope you are all well and I’d love to hear from you. Thanks for your love, prayers, and support.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sudan and Back

After a month and a week or two off, I’m back! There have been so many times in the past weeks that I have wanted to sit down and write out some thoughts and give you an idea of what’s been going on, but somehow time has slipped away from me. So much has happened and so many things are happening I think I have to give you the “short” version of my life. Warning: it’s not very short!
I was told on Feb 13th that I needed to go to the lawyer and get my visa legalized because I was being given the amazing opportunity to go up to Southern Sudan with my colleagues in Northern Uganda the next week. So I rushed to town, met with the lawyer, left my passport, and then rushed back to my ‘hood for a movie night at school. The next week became a blur as I began to mentally and spiritually prepare for Sudan, on top of teaching full time. The 19th of Feb was “Drug Day” at school for the high school students. I was able to get a substitute teacher for the day and I participated by doing a testimonial and then I worked with Francis (the amazing musical genius of a music teacher) to teach 5 sessions having to do with music and influences and drugs… it turned out better than I hoped. Francis did much of the facilitating of discussion, but I was very glad to put my two cents in once in a while.
Anyways, I left for the airport at 5:30am on the morning of the 20th to fly to Arua and visit with my friends in the north for a couple days before actually heading into Sudan. It was an amazingly blessed and relaxed time with Nick and the Coppedges. Arua is the last “big” town before Sudan and even they don’t have electricity most of the time. I spent Sunday with Nick helping run a soccer tournament for local and non-local Sunday school children. So many people turned out, it was very cool to experience the sense of community in the town.
Early Monday morning on Feb 22nd we headed down to the “taxi park” which consisted of a few taxis (small vans) and a Land Cruiser. We procured the Land Cruiser, waited for a while for a few more people to join us and then we headed on our way… after a push start from some of the locals. Literally the car didn’t start without being pushed. It was sure to be an adventure after a start like that. Nick and I sat nice and comfy in the front, in a space that I believe was meant for one person. Keep in mind that neither Nick nor myself are very small, so we just made ourselves comfy, somehow. Billy was in the middle with three other men, and Joanna was in the way back with Elsie Jayne in her little car seat.
We made it to the border in about two and half hours… gotta love the bumpy roads… truly they’ve become quite a comfort in a weird “this feels like home” kind of way. We had no issues, got our Sudanese visas and were back on our way in no time. After about 3 more hours in the Cruiser, we made it to Yei (yay), Sudan. The drive through the new country was completely different than being in Uganda and not just because we were back on the right side of the road (actually driving on the right feels weird now). Everything from the landscape to the color of the dirt was different. Instead of being surrounded by orange-rust colored dirt I found myself coated in gray, sandy dust, but it was beautiful. Aside from the visual, I could feel a difference physically… as in it was HOT! Wow. Yes Sudan is kind of a desert and it’s not a “dry heat that you get used to”.
When we got to the taxi park in Yei, we were met by Jennie, the girl that I would be staying with for the week. Nick and the Coppedges were heading to a guesthouse and I was heading with Jennie, a girl I didn’t know, on a boda, out into the bush to stay at an orphanage. Now you’re thinking, “stop being so dramatic, you didn’t go that far out of town…” well as a matter of fact I did. The farther we went the more I kept thinking that I wasn’t going to see Billy, Jo, and Nick again. The place really was way out in the bush. No electricity, fine I can handle that. No running water, no problem I’ve done it before. No toilets, only pit latrines (a hole in the ground), once again no problem, I can handle that too. The thing that struck me was that I was out in the bush, by myself, not knowing how to get back to town if I needed to, for 4 days. I felt totally isolated… for a minute until all of the amazing children greeted me with song and followed me to my hut. They were some of the most precious kids I had ever seen. Looking into their eyes really was like looking into a window of their souls. They were exuding pure joy, the joy that only Jesus gives.
I got to my hut and put my stuff down. I was introduced to numerous people and given a tour of the compound. There are pictures on facebook; I encourage you to check them out. I’ll try to get a link up soon for those of you behind the times without facebook! The compound was very impressive. Turns out that Jennie went to Indiana Wesleyan and was roommates with my friend’s sister, so we had some fun with that connection.
Over the next few days I had the wonderful opportunity to talk with some of the children, hold cute babies, get to know some of the older girls, chat with some of the older boys, and watch some great pick-up football (soccer) games out on the football pitch (which is a semi-cleared piece of field). I heard some stories, saw some pain, but beyond that saw the joy of the Lord and the gratefulness of the children for just being loved. I walked (jogged) with some of the older youth to school one morning at their request. They wanted me to see their school and meet the other kids. So this “short” walk/jog went on for about 30 minutes through the bush, sometimes the shrubbery was so high I couldn’t see beyond it. When we arrived at school they showed me around and I met the headmaster and signed the guestbook. I departed from the school with no clue on how to get back. We went through so many tiny villages and the paths twisted and turned in every direction on the way there. Of course I got lost and ended up in a crop field. Since my Arabic skills are non-existent I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, but luckily there was a little boy called Taban (means sleepy in Arabic) who spoke a bit of English and was able to lead me to the right path and then direct me back. Quite an adventure!
I got to experience a bush fire as the field right outside the compound was burning on the last night I was there. It’s desert, it’s dry, and it keeps burning because there’s nothing to stop it. The compound wasn’t threatened that night like it had been a few weeks before my arrival. The rain came late into the night and the fire ceased.
I left Thursday morning with a bit of a sad heart. In going to Sudan I wanted to see what ministry opportunities there were, but even more than that I wanted to get a better understanding of the Sudanese people. One of my favorite people ever, Lino, is Sudanese and I really felt like being in Sudan would somehow bring me closer to my little buddy. I could see Lino is some of those children. I’m praising God that Lino is where he is today. The second day I was there, I went into town with one of the other x-pats. We went to the market. As we were finishing up some shopping we were invited by some shop owners to sit and share lunch with them. They bought us Cokes and we sat with them. A couple of the guys were from Khartoum, a couple from Darfur, and a couple were from Rumbeck, which is where Lino is from. Of course, these were Muslim men and they wanted to keep the conversation on where we were from and such, not religion, but just hearing some of their stories and life experiences was awesome.
Anyways, I met up with Nick and Coppedges Thursday morning and we left. With just a few issues along the way home, like being hit by another vehicle, we made it safely back to Arua. I flew back to Kampala on a 12-passenger “jet” the next morning and was back at school by Friday afternoon.
As I was coming back towards home I began to think of how fortunate I am in Kampala. Getting back to Kampala was like going back to America. There is everything here… running water, electricity (most of the time), and flushing toilets! Coming back to the city was very much culture shock for me. I realized that I had just had my first “real” African experience, or at least what I thought my whole experience here would be like. Am I disappointed that I don’t experience those things everyday? No… I really do enjoy showering, but I also realized that I could live and survive and thrive that way too. It’s somehow beautiful.
I came back to the craziness of the city and a weekend full of rehearsing because Sunday, March 1 was worship night and I was somehow supposed to be involved. Francis has a studio called Studio-10. Its purpose is to raise “generational worshippers.” So it is a bunch of young, very talented musicians who just want to worship the living God in spirit and in truth. Back in December they had an entire worship night including singing and dancing. I asked Francis a while ago to do one more before I leave here, so he decided to turn it into a local worship night at the school. Studio-10 members came and sang as a choir. I was very privileged to sing with them. We sang and worshipped for two hours straight with only a few scriptures that I chose to read in between. It was a very powerful evening and I think we’re going to do even one more again… before I leave.
“Before I leave” has become a common phrase out of my mouth. I leave in exactly three months from tonight and I’m having a hard time processing that. There are so many things I want to do “before I leave” and I feel like I don’t have the time to get them all done. Time is slipping away from me and it does not feel like I’ve been here for 8 months. Guys, my heart is here. Yes there are days when I miss the States like crazy, how I could I not? It’s my home; it’s where I grew up. BUT I’m drawn here. I feel a connection with Africa, with Uganda. I am SO sad to think about leaving here. I don’t feel like my time here is finished, but I’m waiting on the Lord and trusting that He’ll let me know what’s next. There are so many options regarding my future and I’m indecisive, so I’m hoping the Lord will like flash a neon sign over one of the options or something. I’m leaning towards one in my heart and head, but we’ll see what God wants.
Last week was the end of 3rd quarter at school and it meant serious work and no sleep. Report cards were due and I had parent-teacher conferences on this past Friday. I had a few unhappy parents, which in turn made me feel completely inadequate as a teacher, oh wait; I’m not a trained teacher! Well it was still a very difficult day.
But can I just tell you some things that God has been telling me lately? See, all year I’ve struggled with inadequacy. I’ve felt like I’m not enough for this person or for that person… I’ve felt like I’m not good enough for this relationship or that that relationship… I’ve felt like I’m not enough as a teacher causing my students not to grow… I’ve thought of a million things I’d like to change about myself because I’ve thought of a million ways in which I’m not enough or good enough. A couple of weeks ago at church I heard an awesome sermon, but during the sermon I was very distracted by my own thoughts and pitying myself because I had once again found myself in a position where I wasn’t enough. No details necessary, but what you should know is that while I was allowing my thoughts to wander away from the sermon I heard God clearly say to me, “Dear Child, when will I be enough for you?”
I was floored. Not because the God of the universe chose to speak to me, but because I’ve known for a while that I need to relax and let God be in control instead of trying to work on my own all the time. This was it. God was ready for me to hear it directly from Him.
Now it’s time for an action plan. Praise God for a safe and healthy trip to and from Sudan. Praise God for Lino’s health and over two months with no seizures. Be praying with me in regards to my future. Pray for my different ministries here, including my discipleship group at KIU, the school, Lino, and others. Pray for Jesus’ joy to shine through me. Pray for affective times with my students, with my colleagues, and with my friends. Pray that the next three months are productive and that I don’t lose sight of why I’m here. Pray that the Lord begins even now, to prepare my heart for a return to the States.
Thank you all for your love, prayers, and support. It’s because of God that I’m here, but ya’ll are really helpful too! ☺ Much love to you all.

Monday, March 16, 2009

So soon!

A new update will be coming this week! So sorry it's been so long.