I'm sure some of you have heard the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat. If not, here's the video.
I love the heart and the message of this song. It makes me think of ALL of the different things (not just hair and make-up) that we try to hide behind in order to feel lovely and important/worthy.
Don't we all have insecurities that we live with and that keep us from being free to be our best? I do! From my physical appearance to my musical ability and everything in between. My mind has been busy with thoughts of these insecurities lately... so much so that I've found myself becoming a bit inward at times.
As I've been praying through some of this, the Lord has been speaking to my heart about these areas of insecurity. Though we live in a worldly culture, the culture of Christ doesn't define things in the same way. Culture says I should wear a certain size, have my hair done a certain way, that my skin should be perfect and accented by amazingly long eye lashes, that I should be climbing the corporate ladder, and making lots of money. Jesus says, "I love You. I love every inch of you. I love your soul. I am enough and it's through me that you are made whole" None of that other stuff matters to Him. He chooses to love me no matter what I look like, who I marry, or how much money I make. He chooses to use me and all of my imperfections to further His kingdom. All He asks is that I love, trust, and put my faith in Him. And then through that commitment comes a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus that bears much fruit. Amazing, right?
Oh Jesus, help me to love like you and to look at the beauty of You working in others.
I want to be defined by Christ in me, not by the things of Earth. That's the desire of my heart. I want to love Jesus so deeply that it reflects in each and every interaction I have.
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s
triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him
everywhere. For we are to God the
pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are
perishing." 2 Corinthians 2:14-15
Writing has always been quite therapeutic for me, as I'm sure it is for many people. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time looking through some of my writings from the past few years in order to reflect on all of the cool stuff God has done. I wasn't disappointed as I came across something that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.
I have this locked document that, for the time being, is just between me and Jesus. Looking through and seeing the movement of the Spirit and the changing movement of my heart, I once again found myself falling more in love with God.
About a year ago I had a special encounter with someone very dear to me. This had been something I had been praying about for a long time. We met to talk about Jesus, though they didn't know that was the purpose at the time. We started off by reflecting on life thus far... good times and bad. We talked about things that have been (and will continue to be) really difficult and we talked about things that are joyful and a bit less heavy. The conversation flowed very easily and naturally for us. As they continued to open up to me, I prayed for an opportunity to bring Jesus into our time.
That opportunity came and the results changed me forever. Being a person who has grown up (somewhat) in the church, they knew about Jesus, but they had never made a connection between their head knowledge and their heart. We talked a lot about what it means to know Jesus as Savior. They asked some very honest questions, straight from the heart and I did my best to answer them as the Spirit led. Then they said something to me that I will never forget...
They said they had never "accepted Christ in their heart," that they had wanted to, but the reason they never had was that it was "just too hard to believe." When I heard those words, my heart sank a little bit. I hadn't planned on that response from them. So I asked, "what, exactly, is too hard for you to believe?" I watched their face as they thought through their perfectly worded answer. A look of awe and peace came over them as they gave me their response, "that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome."
I remember my eyes welling up with tears and trying to keep it together so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. It was a struggle to keep myself from throwing my arms around them and jumping up and down with joy... even though that's what was happening in my heart at the time. As I composed myself internally I said to them, "you know what? You're right, but Jesus is more than awesome enough to do that for us! How cool is that?!"
We left the place where this conversation played out, got in my car, and I prepared to take them home. I remember God nudging me, saying, "this conversation isn't over." I didn't want to push them into anything based on emotion or based on what they thought I would want to hear, so I said that to them and let them know that I was available whenever they were ready to pray it out, be it then, or any time in the future. They stopped me and said they were ready right then, in that moment. So we held hands and prayed together. Another name was written in the Book of Life that night as the angels rejoiced.
"It's hard to believe that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome." I agree wholeheartedly with this dear one and pray that we would all stop and take a minute to reflect on just how awesome He is. Thanks be to God for this person who I love so deeply. Thanks be to God for their honest words that cause me to stop dead in my tracks a year later and praise the Lord!
God is so good. Amen, right? Seriously though, I'm just so in love with Him these days. I know I wrote about it a few weeks ago, so I won't go on and on about it today. I'm grateful.
Ministry has been so great lately. I love my job. I mentioned in my last post about the upcoming sermon series I get to do and I'm so excited for it. Something else that's so exciting to me is that today was the first day of after school Bible study for my high school students. I had 5 kids show up. That may not seem like a huge deal, but it is. 5 kids who want to dive deeper into God's Word? 5 kids who want to know Christ more? Praise God! There's so much goodness happening these days.
I'm at a really cool place with many of my youth... a place I love! It's a place where they're wanting to hang out with me outside of church. It's been this way for a while now with a few kids here and there, but it just seems different now. You get to a point where your youth kids become your friends and I, for one, love it. I think of the way Jesus interacted with His disciples and about how totally relational He was and that's where I long to be. Relationships are my thing. I can teach you, but I'd really like to do life with you too. I don't want to only tell you, I want to show you.
Some of my "former youth kids" are now some of my favorite friends. It's a very intimate thing to guide someone in their relationship with Christ. In my opinion, you can't effectively minister to someone from afar. You've got to get personal. Sure, I understand that there's a line that shouldn't be crossed and you've got to be careful about what you disclose, but kids respond when you're open with them. When they can relate to you because they know some of the trials you've faced, they trust you.
This means that I'm invested and 100% committed. To be honest, it's a little scary. It's a vulnerable place to be. I feel like I'm pouring all of me into my ministry. It's not just my job, it's my life. Each kid that I disciple now has a piece of me. Each person that I preach to gets to hear my heart. The people that I minister with are like my family... they see me at my best and at my worst. It gets lonely sometimes to be surrounded by my work, but Christ sustains me and He's enough.
Being consumed by day to day life (my job) doesn't allow time for much else. I've been thinking a lot about life outside of my work and the hopes and plans that I've had. A Master's degree is still very much on my radar and I'm pursuing that option, pending some financial stuff. (Still paying off my undergrad degree.) There's also the timing of it all. I'm not sure how I'll have time to do school work on top of everything else, but I know I'll figure out a way to make it work. I'd also still like to have a family... but I'm trusting God's timing on all of that.
Moments of vulnerability along with being so committed to so many things has really got me thinking. I have brief times of panic every once in a while because of the level of commitment, but again, God reigns me back in and draws me back into a place of quiet and rest with Him.
I consider it a huge privilege to do the work I'm doing and I don't think there's anything else I'd rather be doing right now. I love Jesus and I really, REALLY want my kids (and the whole congregation) to love Him too... and to desire to walk with Him daily. It's such an honor to bring these kids before the throne of the Lord everyday. What an amazing gift.
Like a parent, I have days when I wish I could walk down the halls of the school, holding their hands and guiding them through life. I wish I could protect them from the realities of a sinful world. I want to be their shield... or at least put them in a bubble. God's got this though. I trust Him.
I guess there wasn't really a point to this post other than to brag on my God and my youth. Thanks Jesus.
As I come up on a year of preaching(!), I've been working to plan out my sermon series a bit more in advance. This past year has been quite the experience. I've learned a lot about sermon prep and writing... and I've eaten a lot of humble pie as some of my messages weren't quite on target. It's been lots of ups and downs and lots of trial and error. There are weeks when I don't feel like I have a clear message until Friday (I preach on Saturdays). There are other times when I've known the heart of the message for weeks before I deliver it.
I still can't claim that I'm a great preacher by any means, but it's something I've come to love. Can I be honest with you about some things? Preaching is hard... and exhausting. Sermon prep is hard. ("Have I preached this same message already...?" "have I used this illustration before?") Leaving my emotions and attitude at the door despite what's going on in my personal life is tough sometimes. Scheduling out my week is hard too. Ministry is such an interesting beast, but I love it. :)
When my last series ended, I knew I wanted to start another series right away because the flow and build in a series is great, but I wasn't sure where to go. I started to pray about it and bounce ideas off of colleagues and friends. One thing kept creeping into my head, but I kept squashing it down a bit. I'm not qualified to preach on that! Sure, I've experienced it - pretty heavily at times - but how can I do a sermon series on it? What authority do I have? Won't this just be opening myself up for attack?
If you haven't guessed it, my next sermon series will be on spiritual warfare. Why not go into my second year of preaching with a bang, right? God confirmed to me that I am to move ahead in the planning of this series (with the power and authority of Christ!) and it's not been without it's trials already.
I'm aware that ANYTIME I'm doing the work of God, I open myself up to the attacks of the evil one. And I also know that the evil one doesn't want others to know or believe that he's always on the prowl, so of course he's going to target me in the weeks to come. Already this past weekend I had to deal with a situation that was the first of what I'm sure will be many attempts at bringing me down.
Then Tuesday came... it began like any other day. I met a friend and got a workout in, but by the time I got home, my feet were hurting quite a bit. Out of the ordinary. We had only done a mile more than I had been doing, so it really shouldn't have made a difference... or so I thought. By Wednesday morning it was obvious that something wasn't right. I couldn't put any weight on my right foot and I was writhing in pain. So I went right to urgent care to get an x-ray and see what was going on. Fears confirmed... slight stress fracture.
My friend, Allan and I have been doing this 100 mile running challenge to raise awareness and $$ for the prevention of human trafficking in southeast Asia. I was 38 miles (and ahead of schedule) when this injury struck. The evil one strikes where it hurts, doesn't he? How am I going to catch back up? How can I just sit around letting the days pass without adding miles? I had made a commitment to complete this challenge AND a commitment to myself to live a healthier lifestyle. Ugh.
The doctor said it was minor enough to not have to wear a giant boot thing if I would be sure to wear this special shoe and try to stay off of it as much as possible. When I am without pain, I'm allowed to put weight on it, but I need to wait weeks before I can jump back into the 100 mile challenge. That wasn't a problem on Wednesday or Thursday because I was still feeling that initial stabbing pain. Today it's just a dull pain and I've only had to take the actual recommended dosage listed on the Ibuprofen bottle as opposed to the 5 at a time from the previous days. Today I'm tempted to ignore the pain and go about life as usual. One mile couldn't hurt, right? Wrong.
I know I'm a terrible patient. I don't like resting and though I've gotten a lot of work done, I'm BORED! My couch permanently has my butt print in it, or so it would seem. I like to go to the kids' sporting events, but I'm not supposed to be driving at all, let alone that far. Thankfully a friend was willing to drive me last night and it was nice to be out of the house. I'm supposed to play paintball with my kids tomorrow... instead, I get to watch. (Maybe I'll get some good pics, right??) I've had people offering to do stuff for me and to help out, but I gotta say... I like doing things for myself. I'm not good at letting others do stuff I should be able to do. For example... I ran out of pain meds yesterday so instead of asking someone to run to the drugstore, I got in my car and drove myself. It wasn't a huge deal, but by the time I got home, I was hurting. Was it worth it though? Well, I didn't have to bug anyone else...
All of that to say that this is simply another way that the evil one will try to keep me down and prevent me from speaking the truth. I've experienced it before, especially while working with those of Islamic faith, and I'll experience it again, I'm sure. I also know that this won't be the end of the trials. I'm planning a 4-6 week series, so I assume I'll face a lot in the next month or so.
So my plea to you is to join me in praying as this series approaches and for the duration. Please pray for those I minister with and those I minister to. I believe God has a message for us and I plan on delivering that message. Would you stand with me as the battle rages on?
For months now I've been bringing something before the throne... I've whined about it, I've cried about, and I've pleaded for it and a few weeks ago I got my answer. No. The answer was No. What? But hadn't God heard my many reasons? Didn't He realized how well thought out my plan was? Of course He had. But the answer was no.
My church hosted a revival (our first annual revival, in fact) a few weeks ago. My role was to help out with music. So, our worship leader and I worked for hours and rehearsed, preparing to lead others to the foot of the throne. One day, we rehearsed for nearly 6 hours. It seemed like more.
I have been praying for revival in South Jersey since I got here. Along with some dear colleagues, I believe that revival is going to take place very soon. It's already begun in my individuals and I'm so excited to see where God is going to go with it all. May the nations come to know Him!
So, the revival was cruising along. We had different speakers lined up for each night. The first two nights were great and they really grabbed my attention. So much so that I went into the 3rd night with a very healthy, but very real fear of the Lord. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He was going to do something huge that night. I had no idea what it was going to look like or that it was going to strike me the way it did. We had a healing service that night and the speaker had a team set up and ready to pray and anoint with oil. I was the 2nd to last person to be prayed over.
The moment the person began to pray was the moment I heard God's voice louder than ever before. His first words to me were the answer to the thing I'd been praying for for so long. And again, it was a no. Tears were flowing freely and it knocked the breath out of me. How could it be a "no?" But He wasn't done. He spoke healing and truth to many of the places of deep pain within me. He spoke His power and authority into me and empowered me. God held me tightly that night. He knew the answer was going to be painful... He also knew I'd need to hear it more than once. So again and again, He answered me.
The healing service ended and I just wanted to run home and record every single word God had spoken to me. I was surrounded by loved ones, but I wanted to escape. But, I knew I had to stick around to pack up the instruments and the sound system, so I just kept running God's words over and over again in my mind. I was home within 45 minutes or so and I couldn't write fast enough. Even now as I look back over those words, I can see the urgency in my handwriting.
Since that night, I've been slowly processing all of the things I heard. I've been able to look ahead with much more clarity. I've been clinging so desperately to Jesus and I wouldn't have it any other way. The way I prepare sermons has changed a bit. The way I deliver them has changed too. Not drastically, but enough that I think it's noticeable. I finally feel like I can speak with the power and authority of Christ. He has given it to me and I'm to use it. Just like when He sent out the disciples in His name. Glory to God.
A few other things have changed since that night. They've been more internal, but God is still working on me. Many of my desires haven't changed and the end goal is still the same. I'm so thankful to have a support system that allows me to verbally process too. Revival is here. Revival is happening now. I'm seeing it the lives of those I work with closely and I can hardly contain my excitement. :)
Of course there have already been times of attack from the evil one, but that's to be expected when you're walking so closely to God. I encountered a very immature situation just yesterday that would normally throw me off my game, but God is so much bigger than these silly little attacks and my support system stands by me, unwavering... acting as bodyguards, quite literally.
So in this precious time of deep intimacy with Jesus, I've been reaffirmed and empowered like never before. Yes, the "no" was a difficult one and I still can't see how this is all going to work out going forward, but I'm standing on the promises of God. This is home. I'm surrounded by people I love deeply. "All the nations" means right here, right now. I'm in.
Today started off like any other day. Got up, fed my animals, got a run in, took a shower, and headed out the door to start the day. My agenda: go to a soccer game and preach at the Yield service. So on the way to the soccer game, I was told that we had to make a stop on the way home to grab something for the chicken BBQ at church tonight. Panic moment #1. I had completely forgotten about the dinner. In the busyness of the week, it totally slipped my mind and I thought it was next weekend. Nope. AND I had signed up to bring something... luckily it was just fruit and my lapse in memory was easily remedied by a stop at the store.
So we watched the game and then started to make our way back to the church, trying to figure out where to stop and buy our food for the dinner. About 30 minutes into the drive home, my mind was running over my check list for Sunday mornings. I remembered that I needed to bring some checks over that people had sent as contributions for my upcoming trip to Uganda. It was then that everything clicked and came together in my mind. Two weeks ago I was asked to be the speaker at the chicken BBQ dinner. Panic moment #2. What in the world was I going to share and how could I forget something so important to me?!
Not once during this whole week did I think about the chicken dinner or the fact that I was given the opportunity to share about Uganda - something I LOVE to do. I don't have an explanation as to why or how I could let something like that slip my mind. I have had so much going on - preaching, teaching Sunday School last week, preparing the youth room for the start of youth group, preparing a lesson for youth group, practicing music for worship team (for Saturdays, Sundays, Pitman Camp, youth group, the tent revival, the parade, etc), going to meetings EVERY night, leading Bible study, and keeping up with administrative stuff like emails and snail mail - that it simply got placed in the back of my mind.
We were still nearly a half hour from the church and we still had to stop and buy stuff to bring. When in the world was I going to prepare? My focus completely shifted, but I had to bring it back because the reality was that I still had worship to lead and a sermon to preach. Before we got to the grocery store, the Lord gave me a scripture to focus on for later that night and peace began to fall.
Before we started the service I asked Jesus to help me complete the tasks as they came. Though I was mortified that I had let something so important to me (and Jesus) slip my mind, I knew He would help me. The Yield service was refreshing and ran very smoothly in spite of me and my forgetfulness. God was worshipped and His Word was preached. Hallelujah, praise God forever!
After Yield, I had exactly 25 minutes to get things figured out. I ran home, grabbed my computer and prayed that my picture slideshow was still there and that I hadn't moved it to my external hard drive. Thankfully it was there, but then I found myself fighting with the projector and my computer to get something on the screen. So there I was, watching everyone eat, still not 100% sure what I was going to say, with no working slideshow. Panic moment #3. I will admit that I was extremely flustered and ready to give up when I called my friend over to help me. Between the two of us and mostly because of his determination (as I had already given up in my mind) and knowledge, he got the slideshow running. Breathe in, breathe out. Relief.
We went and got our food and sat with a couple of youth kids, enjoying a sweet time of fellowship with them. All of my worries slipped away and though I didn't have a speech written out, I was ready to share my heart.
It's a really vulnerable thing to do... to share your heart with so many people. You see, it's hard for me to share something so intimate- something I'm so passionate about and invested in- if I feel like people won't care as much as I do about what I'm sharing. I tend to take it personally, but I try to remind myself that it's hard to be passionate about something you don't understand due to lack of experience. That couldn't matter if I was going to do what God wanted me to do...
So I got up there, set my pride aside, and spoke of the ups and downs, the things God has done and is doing, and my love for Uganda. Before I knew it, I was twenty minutes in and I hadn't reached the heart of the message... the very thing I knew God was asking me to share. Thankfully, my passion (or maybe just the loud booming of my voice) seemed to have their attention. I opened the Word of God and the Holy Spirit went to work. When I closed in prayer, I knew I had done what God had asked me to do. The rest is up to Him at this point.
I'm so glad for those moments of panic today and I'm grateful I forgot to prepare something. This was one of those occasions when preparation would have led to stumbling over words and nervousness. The Lord brought to mind just the things He wanted spoken.
Praise God for forgetfulness! And praise Him for always keeping His promise to me! "Remain in Me and I will remain in you..." John 15:4.
In the excitement and chaos of ministry these days I don't seem to have much time for anything. In all honesty, I've been eating cereal for days now because I haven't had the time or energy to go get groceries. Nice and healthy, I know. There's so much going on that it's overwhelming at times.
But do you want to know what's really exciting? Getting to spend time with Jesus! I know... I just got done saying how I don't even have time to buy food and it's true, I don't. All I want to do is hang out with the King of Kings. It seems like no matter where I am or what I'm doing, my only desire is to be with Him. It's a lovely place to be and I'm sure many of you experience the same thing quite often.
But what's different about it for me right now is that He keeps providing me with these little get-aways. Little slices of heaven, as I've been calling them. And I'm trying to hang on to each encounter. It started with a drive home from the shore last month. It was youth group beach day, but I had other commitments that required me to be back here by 6pm. The kids weren't quite ready to leave, so the other adults had just enough spaces for everyone to stay an extra hour and for me to go. When I got in my car I sensed that God was asking for my full attention. I spent the next hour or so just talking, singing, and listening to God. It was so refreshing. But that wasn't enough. A few nights later an hour walk in the pouring rain was on the schedule and it was amazingly peaceful... seeing as though I was the only one out in that weather.
Then last week I experienced defeat like I hadn't in a long while. My sermon flopped. It didn't flow well which flustered me and I had already messed up playing piano on a couple of songs. It was the definition of an "off" day. I left the sanctuary feeling completely embarrassed and like a failure. I had prepared it just didn't go over well in my opinion. I tried to shake it off, but I just couldn't. The next morning I was scheduled to teach our adult Sunday school class. I was excited about my lesson, but feeling nervous because of the night before. The lesson went very well, but I still couldn't get that "failed sermon" out of my mind. (Yes, I'm very aware that I need to work on that.)
Sunday night my church was the host of a camp meeting which means our senior pastor was scheduled to preach and our worship team was to lead music. By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was exhausted. (I've heard it said that preaching a sermon is like the equivalent of working a 40 hour week in an hour and I never believed it until I started preaching every week.) I dragged myself to the camp meeting in a bit of a fowl mood. I just wanted to go to sleep. As I walked up to the tabernacle, I started to feel my mood shift... slowly. I was greeted happily by my friend and his kids and I just couldn't muster up the energy to reciprocate appropriately. Then we started to run through some songs. It was then that everything changed. The Spirit was VERY present and I began to anticipate how awesome the choirs of angels were going to sound as they sang with us. It was an amazing time of worship, a great sermon, and a new word from the Lord from a familiar scripture. How great is our God??
The next day, I was invited to drive up to North Jersey to hang out with my friend and his family. I went back and forth about whether or not to make the drive, but I'm SO glad I did! First of all, I love driving, so two hours one way is nothing. Second, it turned into one of the most relaxing days of my entire summer. I got to meet family members I had never met and relax by the lake with others I had... a very sweet time of hearing some absolutely amazing stories of a very long life lived and well traveled. On top of that, I was able to get to know some of the family a bit better... which I love because as you know, building relationships is my thing. What a blessing. Not only that, but in the morning I kind of snuck off to sit down by the lake to hang out with Jesus while everyone else was still asleep. The beauty of His creation was overwhelming and it was lovely to be wrapped up in His arms, surrounded by His presence. Seriously, it's absolutely gorgeous up there.
Right??
And to top it all off, his mom is an extremely talented musician so I asked her to play piano for me... which she did (even though she hadn't played for weeks as she had been traveling). It was lovely and very worshipful. I was so encouraged too, because she claimed that she hadn't played very well (though I disagree), but that she knew it was for God so it didn't really matter. (I had been struggling with my lack of ability to play the piano since my "off" day that previous Saturday.) So grateful for sweet gifts from Jesus at just the right time.
My prayer is that He keeps providing me with these little times away with Him. He is seeing me through and I'm basking in His presence. It's an exciting time in ministry and I'm so ready for a set schedule with school and youth group starting back up. There's much to look forward to with my kids this year and I can't wait to see what God does in their lives (hearts).
Here's a hymn I found this week... In the Secret of His Presence:
In the secret of His presence how my soul delights to hide!
Oh, how precious are the lessons which I learn at Jesus’
side!
Earthly cares can never vex me, neither trials lay me low;
For when Satan comes to tempt me, to the secret place I go,
To the secret place I go.
When my soul is faint and thirsty, ’neath the shadow of His
wing
There is cool and pleasant shelter, and a fresh and crystal
spring;
And my Savior rests beside me, as we hold communion sweet:
If I tried, I could not utter what He says when thus we
meet,
What He says when thus we meet.
Only this I know: I tell Him all my doubts, my griefs and
fears;
Oh, how patiently He listens! and my drooping soul He
cheers:
Do you think He ne’er reproves me? What a false Friend He
would be,
If He never, never told me of the sins which He must see,
Of the sins which He must see.
Would you like to know the sweetness of the secret of the
Lord?
Go and hide beneath His shadow: this shall then be your
reward;
And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting
place,
You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,
Of the Master in your face.
Here is a video of some random dude playing/singing it. Good stuff.
Here's to sneaking off to hang out with Jesus every chance I get!
