The never-before told story, but first some other stuff...
On Monday I found myself up at 4am, if you recall. Yesterday I woke up at 3:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night, against my better judgement (but exhausted) I took a couple of Benadryl to ensure some sleep. This morning I didn't wake up until 5:45 thanks to the medicine, but I woke up with a tension headache that just won't cease. Not to be a whiner... but I just want to sleep!! I don't have to wake up until 7 everyday and I'd really like to sleep until then. Since I've been awake so much lately my mind has been working overtime. My mom says I'm not sleeping because I have too much on my mind. So I was trying to think through things that might be causing me anxiety. Maybe it's thinking of leaving people I love, but that's not for 2 and a half more months. Maybe it's trying to figure out relationships. Maybe I'm thinking in circles about what I'm supposed to be doing in my ministry here for now. It's possible that I'm anxious due to my physical self. Maybe I just need to cry it out?? But I won't because that's not what I do. I'm really not looking for answers here, I'm just looking for sleep. As exhausted as I've been this week, I've still made it through every single day just fine. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk or while running the embroidery machines, so that a positive thing.
I have however looked exhausted all week. You would think that waking up 4 hours early for work would mean I would take the time to do something to my hair besides pulling it up in a ponytail, and maybe put some makeup on my face so I don't look dead. But no, because I felt tired while getting ready for work the first two mornings I didn't do either of those things. Monday and Tuesday were not my best days. Today I decided to get out of that habit, get dressed, and look presentable. I feel so much better already!
So as I was laying in bed this morning trying to trick myself into falling back to sleep I was thinking about some experiences I had in Uganda. See, I am actually pretty good at thinking through situations and turning them into dreams as I drift off, not allowing my mind to go crazy with other thoughts. One story in particular popped into my mind this morning and it makes me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it with you.
I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, my roommate was in the kitchen cooking something, and I was working on getting some grading done. Like 99% of the days in Uganda the sun was bright and the air was hot. The windows and doors were all swung open, no screens, just a little breeze blowing through the apartment to keep us from sweating profusely. The sounds of the children across the orange dirt path playing with an empty bottle or something similar filled the air. Their laughter always making me giggle and wonder what is so funny.
I could hear the guard of our compound walking around, sweeping, hanging out. As our guard, Joseph worked 24/7 to make sure our compound was a safe place. He answered when someone would come to the gate and then using hand gestures explain to us or our neighbors who was there and let us decide if we were ok with them coming in the compound. We trusted him to ensure our safety when we were at home. And he did, for the most part...
Until one day he came to our door to tell me that there was someone outside the gate asking for me. Me? Most people I know would text me when they were coming and I would meet them and let them in myself. It was strange to not know who might be calling. So I put my grading down, found some flip flops and ducked through the small door on our gate.
Before I go on I have to say that it is not advised advertise to people where you live due to safety. If the wrong person finds out, it doesn't usually end well, meaning a possible robbery. It's not as though you can't trust anyone, though. It's just you have to be smart. There were plenty of people I trusted and they knew where I lived. Moving on...
To my surprise, a guy from a church I had been attending was standing there, eyes bright, smiling. I must have looked shocked because he began apologizing rather quickly for just showing up unannounced. After some cordial greetings I politely asked him why he was there. Now, I knew in the back of my mind that this was coming. He had been asking around for my number and trying to get info from other people. Apparently when my guard was out on an errand he somehow mentioned where I lived, and I can only assume it was because my suitor was asking around.
So there I was, standing outside my compound with a man that I had repeatedly declined to date, not sure what to say. So I asked him how he knew where I lived. He explained that my guard had offered up the information freely. (I immediately made a mental note to speak with the guy in charge of our guards.) He then went on to tell me he was disappointed that we hadn't been spending time together, that he tried to get me to go out with him, and he was hurt because now even other people had asked him to back off. He simply wanted a minute alone with me to tell me how he felt. Without any encouragement from me, he went on to confess that he loved me and thought that we could have a really good life together. He explained that he was getting ready to go home for the holidays and he had to tell me how he felt before he left. I was invited to join him and meet his family. He noticed the purity ring on my left ring finger and looked saddened. He then asked if I was already married, but living without my husband. My mind was racing, trying to think of a way to gently tell him that I wasn't interested. I told him no, that I wasn't married. So then he straight up asked me if I would marry him. As I stood there, frozen I thought how can I be compassionate and not break his heart? The last thing I wanted to do was to lead him on and let him think that there might be a chance. (I simply wasn't interested and we had only really spoken a few times in church when I was surrounded by others.) So I told him that my heart was with someone back in the States and I couldn't think about being with anyone else. I hoped that in the truth of that statement he would understand that that meant I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He said he understood and just wanted me to remember that he loved me. I told him I appreciated his honesty and wished him well on his holiday.
As I climbed back through the gate feeling sad for him and angry at my guard, my roommate was on the front porch, questions written all over her face. I explained everything that happened, we talked with the mission about our guard giving up our info, and that was that.
It's so interesting to me... I can recall every detail from that moment. I can remember the smells hanging in the air. I can visualize the kids playing in the yard across the way, hear the people chatting as they passed by. What we did the rest of the day, who knows? Probably went out to dinner, hung with some MKs. Maybe we went to the pool or something. I do know that this moment stands out to me because of the feeling behind it. He "knew" that he loved me, he made himself vulnerable, and he went for it. I could use that kind of courage sometimes.
I could also use some sleep... and less crazy dreams. Psalm 127:2 (end of verse 2) says, "for he grants sleep to those He loves." Ok, might be out of context, but I'm praying for sleep tonight!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
vivid dreams
I've been awake since 4am for no particular reason. Right before I woke up I was having a very vivid dream about being back in Uganda. Of course I've been thinking about what life will be like when I get back... I've even purchased a few items that I will need to have when I get there. It's becoming so very real to me right now. In my dream this morning I had just arrived in Kampala with two suitcases, but no guitar (which is strange). I then started looking for stuff that I should have had with me, but couldn't find anything that I needed. I was trying to hide my panic from Jean, my roommate as we caught up and talked about all that's been going on since I left last year. It was so exciting to see her, but that underlying panic would not cease. Somehow by the end of the dream I found out that I was just there for a two week visit before I came for the whole year. It was a recon trip of sorts.
Still, when I awoke and finally remembered the dream that same type of panic stayed with me. I started going over stuff in my head that I feel it is important to have with me. I started to think about all of the things I should be doing and even when I tried to push away the anxiety by distracted myself with a dvd, I couldn't find rest. It was completely quiet in the house, peaceful despite the unrest I was feeling. So I found myself before God in the early hours of the morning, a little annoyed that I wasn't sleeping, and even more annoyed at the silly anxiety over something that is still two and a half months away. I honestly don't even remember much of what I talked over with God this morning, but I do know that I found rest in His presence. I should be falling asleep on my desk right now; instead I feel great! I feel refreshed and energized... maybe I'll stop using this staph infection as an excuse and go for a run after work. :)
So anyways, I just sent out my last prayer letter with a prayer magnet before I'm off in January. Hopefully you've received your copy and if you haven't please let me know and I'd be happy to send one. This is a copy of the letter...
Dear Faithful Supporters,
As the date of my departure draws closer, I find myself consumed with thoughts of Africa and the ministries I’m involved in both near and far. A nervous excitement runs through me whenever I think about the many opportunities that are before me. In just a few months I will be back in Uganda, getting reacquainted with life and the culture there, visiting old friends, and rejoicing with new ones.
I would like to invite you to join me in praying for the ministry I’ve been given and for my time away. As my supporters, you all are an extremely important part of the time I spend in Africa ministering to the people there. In fact, it’s because of your support and prayers that I’m able to go.
Matthew 28:18-20 says, “18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
In this passage Jesus is not just suggesting that we go and make disciples of all nations, this is a command. You answered the call into missions when you decided to join my support team. Thank you for being faithful and for saying yes to Jesus.
Here is a list things I would love for you to pray for:
· Health and safety
· Travel (both to and from the U.S. and as I travel to different countries within East Africa)
· Ministry on Buvuma Island with the orphans
· Discipleship ministry at Kampala International University
· Sponsorship programs with Pastors and Youth Pastors/ Africa Gospel Churches
· World Gospel Mission
· Provision of financial support (I am 85% funded!!)
As I go, I am resting in the promises found in John chapter 15. Jesus says, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” This is such an awesome promise to keep close to our hearts as we strive daily to serve the Lord. This is my prayer for you today and always.
Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayers. As always, I encourage you to let me know how I can be praying for you.
Serving Christ with you,
Christina Maddalone
Still, when I awoke and finally remembered the dream that same type of panic stayed with me. I started going over stuff in my head that I feel it is important to have with me. I started to think about all of the things I should be doing and even when I tried to push away the anxiety by distracted myself with a dvd, I couldn't find rest. It was completely quiet in the house, peaceful despite the unrest I was feeling. So I found myself before God in the early hours of the morning, a little annoyed that I wasn't sleeping, and even more annoyed at the silly anxiety over something that is still two and a half months away. I honestly don't even remember much of what I talked over with God this morning, but I do know that I found rest in His presence. I should be falling asleep on my desk right now; instead I feel great! I feel refreshed and energized... maybe I'll stop using this staph infection as an excuse and go for a run after work. :)
So anyways, I just sent out my last prayer letter with a prayer magnet before I'm off in January. Hopefully you've received your copy and if you haven't please let me know and I'd be happy to send one. This is a copy of the letter...
Dear Faithful Supporters,
As the date of my departure draws closer, I find myself consumed with thoughts of Africa and the ministries I’m involved in both near and far. A nervous excitement runs through me whenever I think about the many opportunities that are before me. In just a few months I will be back in Uganda, getting reacquainted with life and the culture there, visiting old friends, and rejoicing with new ones.
I would like to invite you to join me in praying for the ministry I’ve been given and for my time away. As my supporters, you all are an extremely important part of the time I spend in Africa ministering to the people there. In fact, it’s because of your support and prayers that I’m able to go.
Matthew 28:18-20 says, “18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
In this passage Jesus is not just suggesting that we go and make disciples of all nations, this is a command. You answered the call into missions when you decided to join my support team. Thank you for being faithful and for saying yes to Jesus.
Here is a list things I would love for you to pray for:
· Health and safety
· Travel (both to and from the U.S. and as I travel to different countries within East Africa)
· Ministry on Buvuma Island with the orphans
· Discipleship ministry at Kampala International University
· Sponsorship programs with Pastors and Youth Pastors/ Africa Gospel Churches
· World Gospel Mission
· Provision of financial support (I am 85% funded!!)
As I go, I am resting in the promises found in John chapter 15. Jesus says, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” This is such an awesome promise to keep close to our hearts as we strive daily to serve the Lord. This is my prayer for you today and always.
Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayers. As always, I encourage you to let me know how I can be praying for you.
Serving Christ with you,
Christina Maddalone
Monday, October 18, 2010
Memories for the future
As I'm getting closer to my departure date for Uganda I'm finding myself easily distracted by thoughts of goodbyes. This wasn't really something I had time for last time, so it's all rather new to me. There are days when I am so excited at the prospect of being back in Africa that I can hardly contain myself; there are other days when thoughts of who and what I'm leaving behind sneak up on me. There's the occasional thoughts of people moving on without me and of too much change. Most times I can think past those sad thoughts because of one particular memory of my return last year.
I stepped off the plane, anxious to see my friends and family and frustrated that we were all in the same building, but because I was coming from Africa I had more hoops to jump through than most departing the airport. I was ready to jump up and down and give big hugs, not talk about what might be in my bags or guitar case. So as I'm waiting for customs to clear my luggage and I remember thinking about having to wait until morning to see my nieces and how bummed I was to wait another twelve hours to hug them. I left for Uganda when Kayla was 3 and half and Alexandria was merely 15 months, so I was uncertain of how they would receive me. Kayla would talk with me one the phone and skype pretty often, but it was difficult to get Alex to sit still enough to chat. My sister requested that I not wake them up when I get home because I'd be getting home at 11 and they're a pain to put back down. When I got home I simply couldn't wait!! I decided to wake Kayla up, very gently so as not to get her too excited to go back to sleep. She was excited, but completely exhausted and went right back to sleep. I went in Alex's room just to look at her and decided not to wake her because if she didn't recognize me, I didn't want to scare her. So I kissed her and went to bed. Even though I hadn't slept for 36 hours and was emotionally drained, I didn't sleep well that first night. So when Alex woke up, I heard her downstairs playing and just had to go down and see her. I quietly went downstairs and sat on the bottom step. She was in the kitchen with my mom just chatting away. She heard me sit down and turned to look at who else was up at 6:30 in the morning and saw me. Her entire face lit up and she looked at my mom and said, "Nana!! My TT here!!" Then she ran to me and gave me a huge hug. It's one of the sweetest moments of my life. I don't think I can think of another memory when someone was more genuinely excited to see me. I had been so nervous that she wouldn't even remember me and there she was running into my arms. So sweet!!
It's memories like that that assure me that when I leave, even though it's a time of sadness, the rejoicing of the return is sure to come. I'm sad to leave my family. I'm sad to leave my youth kids both here in Naperville and down in Indy. I'm sad to leave my friends and all the new babies that are around. BUT when I get home in a year, life will continue and all will be just fine.
It was on my drive home from Indiana this morning when I was thinking about these things. I went to Indy simply because I had a three day weekend and wanted to be able to relax. And I did. I got plenty of good sleep, got to hang out with Trent, and spend time the awesome peeps at New Hope Pres. All in all, a good weekend. In the 3 days that I was there I think I made the drive to the church at least once each day.
Now, Indianapolis isn't what i think of when I think of pretty autumn colors. (I actually think of places like Michigan, where I was last weekend. So beautiful!) However the drive to and from New Hope is gorgeous this time of year. Unlike here in the Chicago suburbs, there are actually a few rolling hills in Indy. They are beautiful this time of year, splashed with fiery oranges and yellows, vivid reds, and earthy browns. It's really an amazing sight to take in. I love Autumn, but am not a fan of winter (at least not 6 months of winter). This year I only have to endure a couple months of it though. :) Anyways the beauty of the scenic drive with the worship music playing over the radio was incredibly peaceful for me. Life has been crazy busy and I'm always on the go (mainly by choice), but in quiet of my car each day I found rest in the Lord. Then last night we were bored so I went to get a movie and decided to drive the same way, down the same roads even though the night would surely be hiding the beauty of the day. Yet in the bright moonlight I got little glimpses of what the day had already revealed. The colors were muted, not nearly as vivid, yet somehow in the quiet of the night (it wasn't late, but everyone was in watching the ridiculous Indy football team), remembering the beauty of the day, I again found rest and peace on my short drives with God. I just love sweet intimate moments with my Creator and Savior. I'm so thankful today for moments like these. These are just some more of the memories that will carry me through and help me to hang onto the promises of God when I'm 8,000 miles away and missing everything about the Midwest.
I stepped off the plane, anxious to see my friends and family and frustrated that we were all in the same building, but because I was coming from Africa I had more hoops to jump through than most departing the airport. I was ready to jump up and down and give big hugs, not talk about what might be in my bags or guitar case. So as I'm waiting for customs to clear my luggage and I remember thinking about having to wait until morning to see my nieces and how bummed I was to wait another twelve hours to hug them. I left for Uganda when Kayla was 3 and half and Alexandria was merely 15 months, so I was uncertain of how they would receive me. Kayla would talk with me one the phone and skype pretty often, but it was difficult to get Alex to sit still enough to chat. My sister requested that I not wake them up when I get home because I'd be getting home at 11 and they're a pain to put back down. When I got home I simply couldn't wait!! I decided to wake Kayla up, very gently so as not to get her too excited to go back to sleep. She was excited, but completely exhausted and went right back to sleep. I went in Alex's room just to look at her and decided not to wake her because if she didn't recognize me, I didn't want to scare her. So I kissed her and went to bed. Even though I hadn't slept for 36 hours and was emotionally drained, I didn't sleep well that first night. So when Alex woke up, I heard her downstairs playing and just had to go down and see her. I quietly went downstairs and sat on the bottom step. She was in the kitchen with my mom just chatting away. She heard me sit down and turned to look at who else was up at 6:30 in the morning and saw me. Her entire face lit up and she looked at my mom and said, "Nana!! My TT here!!" Then she ran to me and gave me a huge hug. It's one of the sweetest moments of my life. I don't think I can think of another memory when someone was more genuinely excited to see me. I had been so nervous that she wouldn't even remember me and there she was running into my arms. So sweet!!
It's memories like that that assure me that when I leave, even though it's a time of sadness, the rejoicing of the return is sure to come. I'm sad to leave my family. I'm sad to leave my youth kids both here in Naperville and down in Indy. I'm sad to leave my friends and all the new babies that are around. BUT when I get home in a year, life will continue and all will be just fine.
It was on my drive home from Indiana this morning when I was thinking about these things. I went to Indy simply because I had a three day weekend and wanted to be able to relax. And I did. I got plenty of good sleep, got to hang out with Trent, and spend time the awesome peeps at New Hope Pres. All in all, a good weekend. In the 3 days that I was there I think I made the drive to the church at least once each day.
Now, Indianapolis isn't what i think of when I think of pretty autumn colors. (I actually think of places like Michigan, where I was last weekend. So beautiful!) However the drive to and from New Hope is gorgeous this time of year. Unlike here in the Chicago suburbs, there are actually a few rolling hills in Indy. They are beautiful this time of year, splashed with fiery oranges and yellows, vivid reds, and earthy browns. It's really an amazing sight to take in. I love Autumn, but am not a fan of winter (at least not 6 months of winter). This year I only have to endure a couple months of it though. :) Anyways the beauty of the scenic drive with the worship music playing over the radio was incredibly peaceful for me. Life has been crazy busy and I'm always on the go (mainly by choice), but in quiet of my car each day I found rest in the Lord. Then last night we were bored so I went to get a movie and decided to drive the same way, down the same roads even though the night would surely be hiding the beauty of the day. Yet in the bright moonlight I got little glimpses of what the day had already revealed. The colors were muted, not nearly as vivid, yet somehow in the quiet of the night (it wasn't late, but everyone was in watching the ridiculous Indy football team), remembering the beauty of the day, I again found rest and peace on my short drives with God. I just love sweet intimate moments with my Creator and Savior. I'm so thankful today for moments like these. These are just some more of the memories that will carry me through and help me to hang onto the promises of God when I'm 8,000 miles away and missing everything about the Midwest.
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