Choosing to Love

You're either a cat person or a dog person right?  Most people are loyal to one or the other.  Personally, I've always been a dog person.  We didn't have a dog growing up, aside from the short time my grandpa lived with us while he still had his dog.  When she lived with us, I LOVED playing with and taking care of her, but my parents were never fond of the idea of having to take care of a dog, knowing that we probably wouldn't.  We had a parakeet at one point.  I had a turtle.  And we always had a fish tank, but no "real" pet.

One pet that we never even thought to ask for was a cat.  None of us ever cared for cats, so it was never brought up.  When I would sleep over with a friend who had a cat, I ignored the animal.  No desire to mess with cats.  In fact, I actually grew to despise them... mainly because the ones I HAD been around were either really skittish or really stuck up.

Well about a year and a half ago, I adopted a kitten from a shelter.  Why on earth would I do something so dumb?  I've asked myself that same question nearly every day since getting the cat.  Until recently, that is.  You see, his main purpose is to take care of bugs for me... namely crickets.  I can't handle seeing or being around them without having an actual panic attack.  Embarrassing, I know.

Paka (my cat) has done a fabulous job keeping the bugs away, but he's also just plain annoying.  Because I'm not used to cats, I'm not accustomed to the dumb crap that they do ALL the time.  He constantly knocks stuff off of shelves and tables.  I come home or wake up to things broken, messed up, or missing all the time.  My response has always been to grab him and put him in the basement for the day (where his food and box are, btw).  Over the last year and a half, I really grew to hate the cat.  There was no part of him that I enjoyed.  In my eyes, he was just a bug killer that I had to feed.  My dog enjoys having him and they often cuddle and play together... which is one of the only reasons he's lasted as long as he has.  The church got an exterminator for me and as soon as that happened, I started looking for someone to take the cat, figuring that the dog would get over the loss.  I didn't want to return him to the shelter, but I didn't want to keep him.

If I'm being honest, I've been kinda mean to him.  I yell at him for doing those dumb cats things.  The other day, I caught myself raising my voice at him just because he exists.  He had done something very cat-like and I wasn't having it.  It was in that moment that I realized how awful I've been.  First of all, he didn't choose to come live here.  I adopted him.  I made the choice to bring him into my home.  The annoying, sometimes destructive things that he does are not meant to make me angry... he's just doing what cats do.

But more than that... through the words of a friend, I realized how little grace I've extended my cat.  But how much like the cat can I be sometimes?  I do stupid stuff human stuff all the time.  I destroy things and make messes of things.  I mean, we've all been born into captivity to sin... our nature is to be sinful and disobedient.  Like a cat, I like to do my own thing.  You know how cats sometimes just take off running for no apparent reason?  I do that too.  (No, not literally... though, how funny would that be?)

Before I was born, God knew me.  And yet He still chose to give me life and make me His beloved!  He knew that I would do stupid human things and yet He still sent His Son to the cross for me.  Amazing grace, indeed!!  How great is His love for ALL His people?

As I thought about this even further, the Lord revealed more of His great compassion and I made a conscious decision to love my cat.  It seems to go against all of my instincts to love Paka, but love isn't just a feeling.  It's a choice.  I have to choose to love him even if I don't think he deserves it... because the reality is that I don't deserve the love I've been shown.  None of us do.  So what does that mean for me today, aside from living peacefully and loving my cat?  It means that I understand a little bit better how to look on EVERYONE with love... not just those who make it easy to love them.

In His great wisdom, God knew that I needed a shot of compassion.  There is not one person alive who isn't in need of a Savior.  There's not one person alive who doesn't deserve to hear the Truth.  Am I supposed to love everyone?  Absolutely!  Am I going to encounter people who don't want me to love them?  Yep, but I will make the choice to love them anyway.  It's not my job to pick and choose who to love.   Sometimes love flows so easily.  Other times it's going to have to be a conscious choice.  In any case, my prayer today is that I will always move and speak with the compassion of my Savior.

My house is so much more peaceful since I decided to love Paka.  When I come downstairs in the morning and one of my beloved trinkets from Africa is in the middle of my living room, I simply pick it up and put it back.  I'm still not a cat person.  I'm not sure that'll ever happen, but I am thankful for Paka AND that God is cool enough to remind me of something through a pet.  What an awesome God!

Abundant Blessings and Special Privileges

Every time I've thought of something I'd like to write about, I get sidetracked and by the time I find my way back, the moment has passed.  November flew by in a whirlwind of both joyful and tearful occasions.  We lost a dear member of our church a few weeks ago and as you've probably read in other posts, I don't deal with death and loss very well.  Especially not when it was someone I loved so dearly.  The good news is that Jesus is victorious over death, so we had quite the celebration of her life and of her homecoming to be with Him.  Praise God!

There have been plenty of joys mixed in there and I'm so grateful for God's grace in tough situations.  Youth group has been going well and we continue to have new faces here and there.  As I gauge the spiritual needs of my kids, I find myself at the foot of the cross more and more often.  There is such a sense of urgency within me that sometimes it's really hard to sit back and follow the curriculum.  Some days it's tough knowing that the maturity isn't there, but God's work runs deeper than I get to see, so I trust Him.

On a different note, I was blessed with the gift of a piano recently and what an amazing privilege it's been to spend so much time worshipping the Lord through song in my home.  I don't think I'll ever get away from music being the thing that drops me to my knees in worship.  I can't hear even the simplest of melodies without wanting to raise my hands to the King of Kings.  Now I just need to take the time to practice the instruments I've been given.  My guitar doesn't go un-played, but I'm not the one playing it so much these days.  I miss it.  I went through a few weeks of writing recently and I know I need to get back at it.

Something else that's been a bit time consuming is my grad school application... also a reason I've not been writing much else lately.  The goal is to have the app completed before I leave to spend Christmas with my family.  It'll be a huge relief to be done with that.  Each time I talk with anyone at length about the grad program or life once I have my master's, I get overwhelmed with excitement.  I can't wait to start and I've definitely spent way too much time putting it off.  I've decided that there will never be a great time for me financially (thank you, IWU) so I just need to jump into it.  I seriously cannot wait for the day when I'm a licensed counselor!  Glory to God.

Outside of youth stuff, work has been a little hectic.  That definitely comes with the time of year.  We're expanding upon a ministry that's been up and running for years and I'm so pumped to see what God is going to do with that.  The Yield service is still going well, though our numbers haven't been increasing.  I love preparing sermons each week and I love working with our worship leader to pick music.  There's no denying the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place... it's by His power that the Word gets preached each week.  The Advent sermon series that I'm doing is called SENT and I've really been enjoying it so far.  We've also just started another round of adult Bible study which meets at my house each week.  The study is on prayer and it's great.  I'm looking forward to getting further into that too.  So much goodness happening.

I had the amazing privilege of spending Thanksgiving with a dear friend and his family in North Jersey this year.  It was a lovely time and really felt like a vacation for me.  His family lives in a gorgeous home on a beautiful lake.  It was very picturesque as the show fell while I wrote my sermon, sitting by the fire with my puppy by my side.  Perfection.

Aside from the Bears embarrassing loss on Thanksgiving, it was a fabulous day.  We walked the dogs around the lake as the snow tapered off, we shoveled a tiny bit, and we ran a quick errand for last minute items.  After the first football game, everyone began to arrive and we went and picked up his grandmother.  The meal was amazing and the fellowship was fantastic.  I do love being able to share what I'm thankful for... and no one had a shortage of things to thank God for.  After dinner was cleaned up a bit, we got our desserts and gathered back around the table.  Allan's grandmother then shared part her amazing story.  I can't really put into words what it meant to be there for that.  It was truly an honor to hear all of the amazing things God did to bring them safely through.  I know there's so much more to the story and I can't wait to hear it someday.  God carries His people.

On Friday, Allan and I grabbed a train into NYC for the day, but not before having a lovely breakfast with Jean!!  I really miss Chicago and spending time in big cities.  I mean, Philly is great and all, but it's just so small.  He was a fantastic tour guide!  I got to see so many things I hadn't seen before and the weather was pretty much perfect.  Cities are so lovely when it's a bit chilly out!

 

Again, it was an awesome day.  The whole trip was a blessing.  We got back down here in time to practice and have church on Saturday.  I'm happy to report that the meds I got for Piper worked!  She didn't get sick once while in the car (or otherwise, for that matter)!  She was well behaved... it gave me hope for Christmas.  

This past week has been spent catching up and organizing a bit.  I can't believe that Christmas is so soon.  There's a lot going on at the church in the next few weeks and I know it's gonna fly by.  

Actually... before I know it, I'll be walking the dirt roads of Uganda.  Truthfully, it brings tears to my eyes to think about being there and reconnecting with my beloved Africa family.  My heart has been longing for this for 3 years and I'm so thankful for the chance to go.  My church has been so understanding and supportive.  There aren't many jobs where they'll let you take two weeks off to go to Africa.  Not that I'm vacationing, but it still feels like such a privilege.  

As I mentioned earlier, the urgency of the gospel is overwhelming at times.  I don't have to look much further than the daily news to realize that.  The current condition of our country is horrifying.  Not that the rest of the world is much better off.  My sermon last week was called "The Coming Lord" and I talked briefly about the longing of the Jews for a Messiah.  Their cry was, "come!"  My cry is the same.  And yet, so many people I love still don't know Jesus.  It's a very difficult thing to want nothing more than for Jesus to come again, but to also want every knee to bow.  Like God's, my desire is that, "no one should perish." (2 Peter 3:9).  

In the midst of all of the pain and the suffering that we are surrounded by, God is so good.  My heart has been burdened by the condition of the world and the condition of those near and dear to me.  God has given me special time to spend with Him this week in order to interceed.  Monday, I found myself back at Valley Forge.  Two hours of worshipping, praying, and exercising... btw, some of those hills are no joke.  And then yesterday I began to feel overwhelmed and again, God gave me a place to go to be with just Him.  The more time I spend in His presence, the deeper in love with Him I fall.  This study we're doing on prayer has been a great reminder of what it looks like to align my heart with God's.  My desires are His desires.  His will be done.

I still have those tricky areas where my human nature creeps in, thus causing some worry and anxiety, of course, but God is compassionate and patient with me.  How comforting that He knows my every want and need and that He is sovereign over all!  Sweet relief.  

I really do long to be more like the woman described in Proverbs 31... hardworking, humble, strong, wise, dignified, nurturing.  O Lord, keep making me.

Culture of Christ

I'm sure some of you have heard the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat.  If not, here's the video.

I love the heart and the message of this song.  It makes me think of ALL of the different things (not just hair and make-up) that we try to hide behind in order to feel lovely and important/worthy.

Don't we all have insecurities that we live with and that keep us from being free to be our best?  I do!  From my physical appearance to my musical ability and everything in between.  My mind has been busy with thoughts of these insecurities lately... so much so that I've found myself becoming a bit inward at times.  

As I've been praying through some of this, the Lord has been speaking to my heart about these areas of insecurity.  Though we live in a worldly culture, the culture of Christ doesn't define things in the same way.  Culture says I should wear a certain size, have my hair done a certain way, that my skin should be perfect and accented by amazingly long eye lashes, that I should be climbing the corporate ladder, and making lots of money.  Jesus says, "I love You.  I love every inch of you.  I love your soul.  I am enough and it's through me that you are made whole"  None of that other stuff matters to Him.  He chooses to love me no matter what I look like, who I marry, or how much money I make.  He chooses to use me and all of my imperfections to further His kingdom.  All He asks is that I love, trust, and put my faith in Him.  And then through that commitment comes a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus that bears much fruit.  Amazing, right?

Oh Jesus, help me to love like you and to look at the beauty of You working in others.

I want to be defined by Christ in me, not by the things of Earth.  That's the desire of my heart.  I want to love Jesus so deeply that it reflects in each and every interaction I have.

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him everywhere.  For we are to God the pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing."  2 Corinthians 2:14-15

"It's just too awesome."

Writing has always been quite therapeutic for me, as I'm sure it is for many people.  Yesterday I spent a great deal of time looking through some of my writings from the past few years in order to reflect on all of the cool stuff God has done.  I wasn't disappointed as I came across something that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.

I have this locked document that, for the time being, is just between me and Jesus.  Looking through and seeing the movement of the Spirit and the changing movement of my heart, I once again found myself falling more in love with God.

About a year ago I had a special encounter with someone very dear to me.  This had been something I had been praying about for a long time.  We met to talk about Jesus, though they didn't know that was the purpose at the time.  We started off by reflecting on life thus far... good times and bad.  We talked about things that have been (and will continue to be) really difficult and we talked about things that are joyful and a bit less heavy.  The conversation flowed very easily and naturally for us.  As they continued to open up to me, I prayed for an opportunity to bring Jesus into our time.

That opportunity came and the results changed me forever.  Being a person who has grown up (somewhat) in the church, they knew about Jesus, but they had never made a connection between their head knowledge and their heart.  We talked a lot about what it means to know Jesus as Savior.  They asked some very honest questions, straight from the heart and I did my best to answer them as the Spirit led.  Then they said something to me that I will never forget...

They said they had never "accepted Christ in their heart," that they had wanted to, but the reason they never had was that it was "just too hard to believe."  When I heard those words, my heart sank a little bit.  I hadn't planned on that response from them.  So I asked, "what, exactly, is too hard for you to believe?"  I watched their face as they thought through their perfectly worded answer.  A look of awe and peace came over them as they gave me their response, "that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome."

I remember my eyes welling up with tears and trying to keep it together so as not to make anyone uncomfortable.  It was a struggle to keep myself from throwing my arms around them and jumping up and down with joy... even though that's what was happening in my heart at the time.  As I composed myself internally I said to them, "you know what?  You're right, but Jesus is more than awesome enough to do that for us!  How cool is that?!"

We left the place where this conversation played out, got in my car, and I prepared to take them home.  I remember God nudging me, saying, "this conversation isn't over."  I didn't want to push them into anything based on emotion or based on what they thought I would want to hear, so I said that to them and let them know that I was available whenever they were ready to pray it out, be it then, or any time in the future.  They stopped me and said they were ready right then, in that moment.  So we held hands and prayed together.  Another name was written in the Book of Life that night as the angels rejoiced.

"It's hard to believe that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome."  I agree wholeheartedly with this dear one and pray that we would all stop and take a minute to reflect on just how awesome He is.  Thanks be to God for this person who I love so deeply.  Thanks be to God for their honest words that cause me to stop dead in my tracks a year later and praise the Lord!

Like a Parent

God is so good.  Amen, right?  Seriously though, I'm just so in love with Him these days.  I know I wrote about it a few weeks ago, so I won't go on and on about it today.  I'm grateful.  

Ministry has been so great lately.  I love my job.  I mentioned in my last post about the upcoming sermon series I get to do and I'm so excited for it.  Something else that's so exciting to me is that today was the first day of after school Bible study for my high school students.  I had 5 kids show up.  That may not seem like a huge deal, but it is.  5 kids who want to dive deeper into God's Word?  5 kids who want to know Christ more?  Praise God!  There's so much goodness happening these days.

I'm at a really cool place with many of my youth... a place I love!  It's a place where they're wanting to hang out with me outside of church.  It's been this way for a while now with a few kids here and there, but it just seems different now.  You get to a point where your youth kids become your friends and I, for one, love it.  I think of the way Jesus interacted with His disciples and about how totally relational He was and that's where I long to be.  Relationships are my thing.  I can teach you, but I'd really like to do life with you too.  I don't want to only tell you, I want to show you.

Some of my "former youth kids" are now some of my favorite friends.  It's a very intimate thing to guide someone in their relationship with Christ.  In my opinion, you can't effectively minister to someone from afar.  You've got to get personal.  Sure, I understand that there's a line that shouldn't be crossed and you've got to be careful about what you disclose, but kids respond when you're open with them.  When they can relate to you because they know some of the trials you've faced, they trust you.

This means that I'm invested and 100% committed.  To be honest, it's a little scary.  It's a vulnerable place to be.  I feel like I'm pouring all of me into my ministry.  It's not just my job, it's my life.  Each kid that I disciple now has a piece of me.  Each person that I preach to gets to hear my heart.  The people that I minister with are like my family... they see me at my best and at my worst.  It gets lonely sometimes to be surrounded by my work, but Christ sustains me and He's enough.

Being consumed by day to day life (my job) doesn't allow time for much else.  I've been thinking a lot about life outside of my work and the hopes and plans that I've had.  A Master's degree is still very much on my radar and I'm pursuing that option, pending some financial stuff.  (Still paying off my undergrad degree.)  There's also the timing of it all.  I'm not sure how I'll have time to do school work on top of everything else, but I know I'll figure out a way to make it work.  I'd also still like to have a family... but I'm trusting God's timing on all of that.

Moments of vulnerability along with being so committed to so many things has really got me thinking.  I have brief times of panic every once in a while because of the level of commitment, but again, God reigns me back in and draws me back into a place of quiet and rest with Him. 

I consider it a huge privilege to do the work I'm doing and I don't think there's anything else I'd rather be doing right now.  I love Jesus and I really, REALLY want my kids (and the whole congregation) to love Him too... and to desire to walk with Him daily.  It's such an honor to bring these kids before the throne of the Lord everyday.  What an amazing gift.  

Like a parent, I have days when I wish I could walk down the halls of the school, holding their hands and guiding them through life.  I wish I could protect them from the realities of a sinful world.  I want to be their shield... or at least put them in a bubble.  God's got this though.  I trust Him.

I guess there wasn't really a point to this post other than to brag on my God and my youth.  Thanks Jesus.  

The Battle Rages On...

As I come up on a year of preaching(!), I've been working to plan out my sermon series a bit more in advance.  This past year has been quite the experience.  I've learned a lot about sermon prep and writing... and I've eaten a lot of humble pie as some of my messages weren't quite on target.  It's been lots of ups and downs and lots of trial and error.  There are weeks when I don't feel like I have a clear message until Friday (I preach on Saturdays).  There are other times when I've known the heart of the message for weeks before I deliver it.  

I still can't claim that I'm a great preacher by any means, but it's something I've come to love.  Can I be honest with you about some things?  Preaching is hard... and exhausting.  Sermon prep is hard.  ("Have I preached this same message already...?" "have I used this illustration before?")  Leaving my emotions and attitude at the door despite what's going on in my personal life is tough sometimes.  Scheduling out my week is hard too.  Ministry is such an interesting beast, but I love it.  :)

When my last series ended, I knew I wanted to start another series right away because the flow and build in a series is great, but I wasn't sure where to go.  I started to pray about it and bounce ideas off of colleagues and friends.  One thing kept creeping into my head, but I kept squashing it down a bit.  I'm not qualified to preach on that!  Sure, I've experienced it - pretty heavily at times - but how can I do a sermon series on it?  What authority do I have?  Won't this just be opening myself up for attack?

If you haven't guessed it, my next sermon series will be on spiritual warfare.  Why not go into my second year of preaching with a bang, right?  God confirmed to me that I am to move ahead in the planning of this series (with the power and authority of Christ!) and it's not been without it's trials already.

I'm aware that ANYTIME I'm doing the work of God, I open myself up to the attacks of the evil one.  And I also know that the evil one doesn't want others to know or believe that he's always on the prowl, so of course he's going to target me in the weeks to come.  Already this past weekend I had to deal with a situation that was the first of what I'm sure will be many attempts at bringing me down. 

Then Tuesday came... it began like any other day.  I met a friend and got a workout in, but by the time I got home, my feet were hurting quite a bit.  Out of the ordinary.  We had only done a mile more than I had been doing, so it really shouldn't have made a difference... or so I thought.  By Wednesday morning it was obvious that something wasn't right.  I couldn't put any weight on my right foot and I was writhing in pain.  So I  went right to urgent care to get an x-ray and see what was going on.  Fears confirmed... slight stress fracture.  

My friend, Allan and I have been doing this 100 mile running challenge to raise awareness and $$ for the prevention of human trafficking in southeast Asia.  I was 38 miles (and ahead of schedule) when this injury struck.  The evil one strikes where it hurts, doesn't he?  How am I going to catch back up?  How can I just sit around letting the days pass without adding miles?  I had made a commitment to complete this challenge AND a commitment to myself to live a healthier lifestyle.  Ugh.

The doctor said it was minor enough to not have to wear a giant boot thing if I would be sure to wear this special shoe and try to stay off of it as much as possible.  When I am without pain, I'm allowed to put weight on it, but I need to wait weeks before I can jump back into the 100 mile challenge.  That wasn't a problem on Wednesday or Thursday because I was still feeling that initial stabbing pain.  Today it's just a dull pain and I've only had to take the actual recommended dosage listed on the Ibuprofen bottle as opposed to the 5 at a time from the previous days.  Today I'm tempted to ignore the pain and go about life as usual.  One mile couldn't hurt, right?  Wrong.  

I know I'm a terrible patient.  I don't like resting and though I've gotten a lot of work done, I'm BORED!  My couch permanently has my butt print in it, or so it would seem.  I like to go to the kids' sporting events, but I'm not supposed to be driving at all, let alone that far.  Thankfully a friend was willing to drive me last night and it was nice to be out of the house.  I'm supposed to play paintball with my kids tomorrow... instead, I get to watch.  (Maybe I'll get some good pics, right??)  I've had people offering to do stuff for me and to help out, but I gotta say... I like doing things for myself.  I'm not good at letting others do stuff I should be able to do.  For example... I ran out of pain meds yesterday so instead of asking someone to run to the drugstore, I got in my car and drove myself.  It wasn't a huge deal, but by the time I got home, I was hurting.  Was it worth it though?  Well, I didn't have to bug anyone else...

All of that to say that this is simply another way that the evil one will try to keep me down and prevent me from speaking the truth.  I've experienced it before, especially while working with those of Islamic faith, and I'll experience it again, I'm sure.  I also know that this won't be the end of the trials.  I'm planning a 4-6 week series, so I assume I'll face a lot in the next month or so.  

So my plea to you is to join me in praying as this series approaches and for the duration.  Please pray for those I minister with and those I minister to.  I believe God has a message for us and I plan on delivering that message.  Would you stand with me as the battle rages on?

I'm In

For months now I've been bringing something before the throne... I've whined about it, I've cried about, and I've pleaded for it and a few weeks ago I got my answer.  No.  The answer was No.  What?  But hadn't God heard my many reasons?  Didn't He realized how well thought out my plan was?  Of course He had.  But the answer was no.

My church hosted a revival (our first annual revival, in fact) a few weeks ago.  My role was to help out with music.  So, our worship leader and I worked for hours and rehearsed, preparing to lead others to the foot of the throne.  One day, we rehearsed for nearly 6 hours.  It seemed like more.

I have been praying for revival in South Jersey since I got here.  Along with some dear colleagues, I believe that revival is going to take place very soon.  It's already begun in my individuals and I'm so excited to see where God is going to go with it all.  May the nations come to know Him!

So, the revival was cruising along.  We had different speakers lined up for each night.  The first two nights were great and they really grabbed my attention.  So much so that I went into the 3rd night with a very healthy, but very real fear of the Lord.  I knew without a shadow of a doubt that He was going to do something huge that night.  I had no idea what it was going to look like or that it was going to strike me the way it did.  We had a healing service that night and the speaker had a team set up and ready to pray and anoint with oil.  I was the 2nd to last person to be prayed over.

The moment the person began to pray was the moment I heard God's voice louder than ever before.  His first words to me were the answer to the thing I'd been praying for for so long.  And again, it was a no.  Tears were flowing freely and it knocked the breath out of me.  How could it be a "no?"  But He wasn't done.  He spoke healing and truth to many of the places of deep pain within me.  He spoke His power and authority into me and empowered me.  God held me tightly that night.  He knew the answer was going to be painful... He also knew I'd need to hear it more than once.  So again and again, He answered me.

The healing service ended and I just wanted to run home and record every single word God had spoken to me.  I was surrounded by loved ones, but I wanted to escape.  But, I knew I had to stick around to pack up the instruments and the sound system, so I just kept running God's words over and over again in my mind.  I was home within 45 minutes or so and I couldn't write fast enough.  Even now as I look back over those words, I can see the urgency in my handwriting.

Since that night, I've been slowly processing all of the things I heard.  I've been able to look ahead with much more clarity.  I've been clinging so desperately to Jesus and I wouldn't have it any other way.  The way I prepare sermons has changed a bit.  The way I deliver them has changed too.  Not drastically, but enough that I think it's noticeable.  I finally feel like I can speak with the power and authority of Christ.  He has given it to me and I'm to use it.  Just like when He sent out the disciples in His name.  Glory to God.

A few other things have changed since that night.  They've been more internal, but God is still working on me.  Many of my desires haven't changed and the end goal is still the same.  I'm so thankful to have a support system that allows me to verbally process too.  Revival is here.  Revival is happening now.  I'm seeing it the lives of those I work with closely and I can hardly contain my excitement.  :)

Of course there have already been times of attack from the evil one, but that's to be expected when you're walking so closely to God.  I encountered a very immature situation just yesterday that would normally throw me off my game, but God is so much bigger than these silly little attacks and my support system stands by me, unwavering... acting as bodyguards, quite literally.

So in this precious time of deep intimacy with Jesus, I've been reaffirmed and empowered like never before.  Yes, the "no" was a difficult one and I still can't see how this is all going to work out going forward, but I'm standing on the promises of God.  This is home.  I'm surrounded by people I love deeply.  "All the nations" means right here, right now.  I'm in.

Confession time...

Today started off like any other day.  Got up, fed my animals, got a run in, took a shower, and headed out the door to start the day.  My agenda: go to a soccer game and preach at the Yield service.  So on the way to the soccer game, I was told that we had to make a stop on the way home to grab something for the chicken BBQ at church tonight.  Panic moment #1.  I had completely forgotten about the dinner.  In the busyness of the week, it totally slipped my mind and I thought it was next weekend.  Nope.  AND I had signed up to bring something... luckily it was just fruit and my lapse in memory was easily remedied by a stop at the store.

So we watched the game and then started to make our way back to the church, trying to figure out where to stop and buy our food for the dinner.  About 30 minutes into the drive home, my mind was running over my check list for Sunday mornings.  I remembered that I needed to bring some checks over that people had sent as contributions for my upcoming trip to Uganda.  It was then that everything clicked and came together in my mind.  Two weeks ago I was asked to be the speaker at the chicken BBQ dinner.  Panic moment #2.  What in the world was I going to share and how could I forget something so important to me?!

Not once during this whole week did I think about the chicken dinner or the fact that I was given the opportunity to share about Uganda - something I LOVE to do.  I don't have an explanation as to why or how I could let something like that slip my mind.  I have had so much going on - preaching, teaching Sunday School last week, preparing the youth room for the start of youth group, preparing a lesson for youth group, practicing music for worship team (for Saturdays, Sundays, Pitman Camp, youth group, the tent revival, the parade, etc), going to meetings EVERY night, leading Bible study, and keeping up with administrative stuff like emails and snail mail - that it simply got placed in the back of my mind.

We were still nearly a half hour from the church and we still had to stop and buy stuff to bring.  When in the world was I going to prepare?  My focus completely shifted, but I had to bring it back because the reality was that I still had worship to lead and a sermon to preach.  Before we got to the grocery store, the Lord gave me a scripture to focus on for later that night and peace began to fall.

Before we started the service I asked Jesus to help me complete the tasks as they came.  Though I was mortified that I had let something so important to me (and Jesus) slip my mind, I knew He would help me.  The Yield service was refreshing and ran very smoothly in spite of me and my forgetfulness.  God was worshipped and His Word was preached.  Hallelujah, praise God forever!

After Yield, I had exactly 25 minutes to get things figured out.  I ran home, grabbed my computer and prayed that my picture slideshow was still there and that I hadn't moved it to my external hard drive.  Thankfully it was there, but then I found myself fighting with the projector and my computer to get something on the screen.  So there I was, watching everyone eat, still not 100% sure what I was going to say, with no working slideshow.  Panic moment #3.  I will admit that I was extremely flustered and ready to give up when I called my friend over to help me.  Between the two of us and mostly because of his determination (as I had already given up in my mind) and knowledge, he got the slideshow running.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Relief.

We went and got our food and sat with a couple of youth kids, enjoying a sweet time of fellowship with them.  All of my worries slipped away and though I didn't have a speech written out, I was ready to share my heart.

It's a really vulnerable thing to do... to share your heart with so many people.  You see, it's hard for me to share something so intimate- something I'm so passionate about and invested in- if I feel like people won't care as much as I do about what I'm sharing.  I tend to take it personally, but I try to remind myself that it's hard to be passionate about something you don't understand due to lack of experience.  That couldn't matter if I was going to do what God wanted me to do...

So I got up there, set my pride aside, and spoke of the ups and downs, the things God has done and is doing, and my love for Uganda.  Before I knew it, I was twenty minutes in and I hadn't reached the heart of the message... the very thing I knew God was asking me to share.  Thankfully, my passion (or maybe just the loud booming of my voice) seemed to have their attention.  I opened the Word of God and the Holy Spirit went to work.  When I closed in prayer, I knew I had done what God had asked me to do.  The rest is up to Him at this point.

I'm so glad for those moments of panic today and I'm grateful I forgot to prepare something.  This was one of those occasions when preparation would have led to stumbling over words and nervousness.  The Lord brought to mind just the things He wanted spoken.

Praise God for forgetfulness!  And praise Him for always keeping His promise to me!  "Remain in Me and I will remain in you..." John 15:4.

In the Secret of His Presence

In the excitement and chaos of ministry these days I don't seem to have much time for anything.  In all honesty, I've been eating cereal for days now because I haven't had the time or energy to go get groceries.  Nice and healthy, I know.  There's so much going on that it's overwhelming at times.

But do you want to know what's really exciting?  Getting to spend time with Jesus!  I know... I just got done saying how I don't even have time to buy food and it's true, I don't.  All I want to do is hang out with the King of Kings.  It seems like no matter where I am or what I'm doing, my only desire is to be with Him.  It's a lovely place to be and I'm sure many of you experience the same thing quite often.  

But what's different about it for me right now is that He keeps providing me with these little get-aways.  Little slices of heaven, as I've been calling them.  And I'm trying to hang on to each encounter.  It started with a drive home from the shore last month.  It was youth group beach day, but I had other commitments that required me to be back here by 6pm.  The kids weren't quite ready to leave, so the other adults had just enough spaces for everyone to stay an extra hour and for me to go.  When I got in my car I sensed that God was asking for my full attention.  I spent the next hour or so just talking, singing, and listening to God.  It was so refreshing.  But that wasn't enough.  A few nights later an hour walk in the pouring rain was on the schedule and it was amazingly peaceful... seeing as though I was the only one out in that weather.  

Then last week I experienced defeat like I hadn't in a long while.  My sermon flopped.  It didn't flow well which flustered me and I had already messed up playing piano on a couple of songs.  It was the definition of an "off" day.  I left the sanctuary feeling completely embarrassed and like a failure.  I had prepared it just didn't go over well in my opinion.  I tried to shake it off, but I just couldn't.  The next morning I was scheduled to teach our adult Sunday school class.  I was excited about my lesson, but feeling nervous because of the night before.  The lesson went very well, but I still couldn't get that "failed sermon" out of my mind.  (Yes, I'm very aware that I need to work on that.)  

Sunday night my church was the host of a camp meeting which means our senior pastor was scheduled to preach and our worship team was to lead music.  By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was exhausted.  (I've heard it said that preaching a sermon is like the equivalent of working a 40 hour week in an hour and I never believed it until I started preaching every week.)  I dragged myself to the camp meeting in a bit of a fowl mood.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  As I walked up to the tabernacle, I started to feel my mood shift... slowly.  I was greeted happily by my friend and his kids and I just couldn't muster up the energy to reciprocate appropriately.  Then we started to run through some songs.  It was then that everything changed.  The Spirit was VERY present and I began to anticipate how awesome the choirs of angels were going to sound as they sang with us.  It was an amazing time of worship, a great sermon, and a new word from the Lord from a familiar scripture.  How great is our God??  

The next day, I was invited to drive up to North Jersey to hang out with my friend and his family.  I went back and forth about whether or not to make the drive, but I'm SO glad I did!  First of all, I love driving, so two hours one way is nothing.  Second, it turned into one of the most relaxing days of my entire summer.  I got to meet family members I had never met and relax by the lake with others I had... a very sweet time of hearing some absolutely amazing stories of a very long life lived and well traveled.  On top of that, I was able to get to know some of the family a bit better... which I love because as you know, building relationships is my thing.  What a blessing.  Not only that, but in the morning I kind of snuck off to sit down by the lake to hang out with Jesus while everyone else was still asleep.  The beauty of His creation was overwhelming and it was lovely to be wrapped up in His arms, surrounded by His presence.  Seriously, it's absolutely gorgeous up there.  

Right??

And to top it all off, his mom is an extremely talented musician so I asked her to play piano for me... which she did (even though she hadn't played for weeks as she had been traveling).  It was lovely and very worshipful.  I was so encouraged too, because she claimed that she hadn't played very well (though I disagree), but that she knew it was for God so it didn't really matter.  (I had been struggling with my lack of ability to play the piano since my "off" day that previous Saturday.)  So grateful for sweet gifts from Jesus at just the right time.

My prayer is that He keeps providing me with these little times away with Him.  He is seeing me through and I'm basking in His presence.  It's an exciting time in ministry and I'm so ready for a set schedule with school and youth group starting back up.  There's much to look forward to with my kids this year and I can't wait to see what God does in their lives (hearts).

Here's a hymn I found this week... In the Secret of His Presence:

In the secret of His presence how my soul delights to hide!

Oh, how precious are the lessons which I learn at Jesus’ side!

Earthly cares can never vex me, neither trials lay me low;

For when Satan comes to tempt me, to the secret place I go,

To the secret place I go.

When my soul is faint and thirsty, ’neath the shadow of His wing

There is cool and pleasant shelter, and a fresh and crystal spring;

And my Savior rests beside me, as we hold communion sweet:

If I tried, I could not utter what He says when thus we meet,

What He says when thus we meet.

Only this I know: I tell Him all my doubts, my griefs and fears;

Oh, how patiently He listens! and my drooping soul He cheers:

Do you think He ne’er reproves me? What a false Friend He would be,

If He never, never told me of the sins which He must see,

Of the sins which He must see.

Would you like to know the sweetness of the secret of the Lord?

Go and hide beneath His shadow: this shall then be your reward;

And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting place,

You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,

Of the Master in your face.

Here is a video of some random dude playing/singing it.  Good stuff.

Here's to sneaking off to hang out with Jesus every chance I get! 

 

Unconditional

Decked out in her Sunday best, she sat proudly as he taught his obviously well thought out, very prepared lesson.  At times her rigidity seemed severe, but she was listening intently, nodding and following along as though he was the only one in the room.  Decades of wisdom and experience crossed his lips; though his face was mostly stern, the love of the Lord radiated from him.  She took in the words of truth being uttered.  Love.

Then, as the service began I noticed she sat alone.  Always so put together, she seemed a bit out of place without him by her side.  It wasn't as though she was lost, just uncomfortable.  It was clear that their long life together had made absence, even short lived, seem like an eternity.  Within minutes, he was there beside her and she was at ease.  True love.

And tonight as I left the camp meeting, I found myself walking behind them as they strolled, hand-in-hand along that quiet sidewalk talking and laughing.  Dressed more casually (for them) and obviously relaxed.  He led her along and she followed with joy.  When they got to their car (which was just across from mine, I really wasn't trying to stalk them), he opened her door and waited until she was situated before heading around to the drivers side.  Unconditional love.

It was like a scene out of some old movie.  I doubt that they feel very comfortable in today's culture at all.  They're from a very different generation... a simple, more romantic time even.  Though I'm certain we have very different beliefs and that we would probably disagree on everything except Christ, I couldn't help but be captivated by their love today.  Their's is a love that is completely grounded in Christ.  It's so obvious that from the time of their courtship up to now, he has pointed her to Christ and she has encouraged and supported his faith walk too.  They love Christ in one another.  Jesus is the center, the best part of their relationship.  I'm sure it's not been all roses, but I'm also sure that their foundation hasn't ever been shaken... that they've always remained grounded in Jesus.

So, why am I being such a creep?  Well, that's just who I am.  Accept it.  ;)

But really, God has been speaking to my heart about real, unconditional love.  I believe He showed me their love as an example today and it's been a real joy to observe.  Love without condition.  Love no matter what life throws at you.  Love all parts of every person, especially their imperfections.  Love when it costs you everything and even when it causes you deep pain.  This is the love that Christ has for me.  This is the love I desire from a husband.  This is the love that I am to be spreading with every breath I take.

Oh Lord, refine me.  Fill me up.  Pour out of me.  Amen.

A Sleeping Giant

I'm sitting in the peace and quiet of the sanctuary at church.  No one else is in the building (other than my dog) and I love that it's just me and Jesus right now.  Since getting back from the mission trip, I've hardly had time to process because this is the in-between week... next week we have VBS.  Summer has been anything but slow, but I like it.

As I sit here and peer out over the empty pews, I think about how just a couple of years ago, this place was foreign to me.  It wasn't comfortable.  You know when you go to a new place, even a hotel on vacation, and you think how strange it feels?  Like last week on the mission trip... the church we stayed in was beautiful, but it was huge.  The first few times we traveled from our sleeping area down to the fellowship hall, I felt lost.  It felt unnatural.  But by the end of the week, thanks in part to my inability to sleep leading to some exploration, I found it simple to navigate.  It became comfortable.

This sanctuary is comfortable for me now.  I love to be in here.  I love to sit at the foot of the cross or on the floor under the alter.  I love to sit at the piano and mess around, playing through hymns and worship songs.  I love to bring my guitar over and have jam sessions, singing at the top of my lungs.  This is a place of comfort.  I expect to meet with God when I'm in this room, not that He's not present all day, er'day, but here is different.

I think about the amazing things I saw last week.  Over and over again I expressed to the kids how the mission trip is the peak of my year because I get to be with them, serving, without having to plan anything that particular week.  It's a time when everything is planned, the Bible lessons and worship are done by the mission organization and I get to just be with my kids.  I cherish it.  It's completely exhausting, but I love it.  We served with a few different ministries throughout the week and we got to spend a good amount of time in Raleigh learning it's history and culture and exploring a bit.  What a blessed time with my group.

One of my my favorite parts of the week was our church group time.  Every night each church group there met individually and had time just with their own people.  It's my fave because I love hearing how my kids are doing and processing the week.  I love singing and worshipping just in our group.  I love praying for them.  I love how much they love each other.  I love getting a feel for where my kids are at spiritually.  It's such a vital time and really helps me connect with them.

I have to say... they did an amazing job.  They all worked really hard and connected with the people we worked with AND they did it without any complaining.  I am thoroughly impressed with them.  They were joyful.  They were strong even when they were exhausted.  They all got along.  The best part for me to see was that they were hungry for Jesus.  They really wanted to know more about Him.  They experienced Him in new ways and I think many of them came to love Him even more.  They asked really good questions and were very open and honest with both me and one another.  During morning devos, they thought through our discussions, didn't just give Sunday school answers.

My absolute favorite part of the whole week was when they said they wanted to know more about the Holy Spirit and His role.  Um, yeah we can talk about that!  It happened to be the last night at about 11:30pm when that was brought up, so we agreed that we'd have that convo in the cars on the way home thanks to our walkie-talkies!  So we did.  In two separate vehicle, driving down the highway, we talked about the Holy Spirit.  Praise the Lord for kids who ask questions!  How cool are they, seriously though??  I have to say, I was quite nervous that I wouldn't be able to answer well or that they wouldn't understand... and truthfully, I didn't know everything, but the Holy Spirit was present and His words were louder than my own.

I watched a group of kids in tight quarters, in an unfamiliar city, come together and serve.  They understand the Great Commission a little more.  They know that being a believer means being a person of action, ready and willing to carry out the Gospel... even if that looks like cleaning a toilet.  Amazing, right?

I saw a beautiful picture of Christ's Church in my group last week.  They came together and just did it.  They were Jesus to people who don't encounter Jesus every day.  They loved when it was hard to love.  Tears stream down my face as I type this because I am so excited for these kids.  I'm so excited to see how else God will use them and how else they will walk in obedience and say "yes."

It has me thinking about the state of the Church in the U.S..  It's been my opinion for years now that the North American Church is a sleeping giant.  It's here, but for the most part it doesn't act or look like the Church I read about it the book of Acts.  I see pews full of people, but I don't see the amount of fruit you'd expect to see from such numbers of pew-sitters.  I see people who come to church to be served, but who don't do much serving of their own.  I see lots of people who attend church, but not as many people who's lives reflect their time at church.  I hear lots of complaining that things aren't the way people want them, but see unwillingness to make changes.  I hear the Word preached, but I don't always see a response to the call to action (the Word being lived out).  I see a church desperate for resources and volunteers, but a lot of averted eyes when the plea is placed.  I hear lots of talk about love and grace, but don't see them extended unless it's convenient or being given to someone who looks and believes the same.  I see a world crumbling down, but watch the news and see that politics and the latest diet trend are more important than the starving, sick, and homeless.  I see sin being ignored and lots of double lives being lived.

What's the answer?  Jesus.  If we are walking in complete obedience to Him, always saying yes, even to the hard stuff, then we are being sanctified, being made more like Him.  If that were happening, I believe the Church would look different.  We would know Christ, really know Him.  We would hear His voice so clearly.  People wouldn't be content to sit in their pews and talk about their relationship with God... they would have to get up and move... it would show, they wouldn't have to talk about it.  They would have to be an action people.  They would say no to sin and stop making excuses for it... they would strive to live like Christ.  To let go of their stuff and trust God to be enough for them.  He's more than enough.

I saw more of this this past week on the mission trip than I've seen in a long time.  No, my kids aren't perfect and yes, they will continue to be crazy teenagers, but for a week, they got a taste of the real Church.  What it's like to be a part of the body of Christ that isn't asleep or sick.  And it's beautiful.

I so long to see revival.  To see the Church wake up, get healthy, and move forward.  Please, Lord Jesus!  I long to see my brothers and sisters (and me) say only "yes" to God.  To set themselves aside.  To proudly live for Christ... which looks like humility, service, and LOVE.  I long to see a people tired of making excuses and keeping one foot out the door.  I long to see Christ's bride, looking lovely and fighting hard for her bridegroom.  I long to journey through this life partnered with a man who is walking in obedience to God... ready to serve, ready to love, ready to be Jesus to the least of these with a life dedicated to Christ.

Come Lord Jesus.  Free us from ourselves and our selfish desires and tendencies.  Give us the courage to walk in obedience and love.  Give us your heart and your eyes.  Let us look beyond these 4 walls.  Amen.

Breathe

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It's natural and comfortable... at least I hope so.  Being around my friends who've served in Uganda is always just like breathing.  I can't describe it well, but it's a relief.  (It probably seems like I'm in some sort of perpetual state of discomfort or something the way I say that, but I'm not.)  It really is like a breath of fresh air.  It's exciting.  They don't get sick of talking about Uganda and they understand exactly what I'm talking about.  They have clear mental pictures and can hear the sounds.  They know the smells.  They know the smiles.  They understand the frustrations that pop up in daily life.  They've been burned by the equatorial sun.  They've been to the markets and eaten the food.  It's a shared experience... it makes sense, right?

This past weekend my first Uganda roomie, Jean, my friend Jodi, and I drove down to Atlanta to celebrate the marriage of some very dear friends.  The groom, Francis, was the first Ugandan I got to know quite well.  He was a colleague at the international... our beloved music teacher.  We've been friends and partners in ministry for 6 years now.  The bride, Missy, was my roommate for a few months during my second year in Uganda and she's been a very a dear friend and encourager in my life.

Jean and I were asked to participate in the ceremony, so we arrived at the church Friday afternoon.  They had just started the rehearsal so we grabbed some seats in the back of the church.  It was such a weird feeling.  I had hung out with Missy in the States a few different times over the years, but Francis had never been here prior to this month.  Sitting there, I was beyond anxious to run up and hug them both.  I've been saying for two and half years now that I want to go back... if only to visit, but I've not had the opportunity.  To see Missy and Francis in the States brought a little bit of Uganda to me.  Memories rushed back.  Things fell right back into place.  They brought love and greetings from my dear loved ones.  They brought tears of joy.  They brought the joy of the Lord.

After the ceremony, at the reception, we had lots of time to catch up with dear friends... ones we've served with, but haven't seen in years.  I was very honored to have Francis ask me to give a speech representing him and the Ugandan community.  What a privilege to share with people just a little bit of my love for the Lord, for the couple, and for Uganda.  It was a very special time.  And to top it all off... we all stayed until the reception was over.  We helped clean up and as things were wrapping up Francis, in true Francis fashion, took my guitar out and we had a jam session.  My heart was exploding with joy.  It's just what we always did in Uganda.  Francis always has a guitar (or some other instrument) in his hand.  We're all always singing.  It felt so natural and right.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Trust Jesus.

Rehersal Dinner!

Getting ready for the ceremony

Practicing before the ceremony

With the Bride and Groom

Hanging with the Bourne's 

After wedding jam session

Roomie selfie

Chamuka-ing with Francisco :)

Suited Up

I've sat down to write many times in the last two months, (some ideas were great, others not so much) but for some reason, I've not been able to get anything out.  My energies have been exhausted.  Much has happened, but I don't feel the need to go on and on about it right now.  Shocking?  I think so.  I'm not entirely sure what brings me back tonight, aside from missing writing.  I was really good at journaling up through about college, but that went out the window a long time ago.

Much of my blogging through the years has been for me, though the updates were usually at the request of those keeping up with my ministry (sorry I've not kept you updated, but it will comes eventually).  I say it's been for me because since I've not journaled consistently, I've used this to record things that God has told me.

Maybe God is bringing me back tonight.  As is a common theme in my life, I've been desperately missing Uganda for the past few weeks.  I miss every single thing about it, even things that frustrated me there.  My passport is expired and my bank account is far from being in the black, so a trip anytime soon seems HIGHLY unlikely.  Just the passport being expired is enough to make me want to cry.  So since I've been daydreaming of walking the orange dirt roads so much, God has been sustaining me with His presence.  When my longings to be on the mission field over-take me, He reminds me that He is enough and that I am where He is asking me to be.

Being on the mission field is what God has commanded all of us to do.  There's no disputing that.  For some, that looks like pastoring a local church.  To others it looks like moving 9,000 miles from home.  For some it means going to work and being Jesus to co-workers just by how they live their lives.  Spreading the gospel is obedience, no matter where or how.  One is not greater than the other.

Something that God has been reminding me and showing me is that South Jersey is my mission field.  It is no easy mission field for me.  Yeah I'm in America, but not the America I've always known.  It's not easy because it's America.  If I'm being honest, it's actually quite difficult in our too-much-stuff, always busy, selfish culture.  Priorities are tricky.

So as I've been thinking of South Jersey as a mission field, I've noticed that my expectations are skewed because of my time in Africa.  In America, we've moved away from a community culture.  We don't build community outside of our family units very well.  I've experienced this since coming here, as I'm sure I would experience all over this country of ours.  My experiences prior to this were so different because I was home and then I was in Uganda where there is a very strong sense of community.  It's tricky to come into a culture that's so set.

It's also tricky to have experienced a culture where people's decisions to follow Christ may cost them their families or even their lives, yet they do follow Him.  It's amazing.  Here, our lives aren't in jeopardy, but our way of life is... that is, we are not as easily persuaded to give up our sin.

(I realize that these are generalities and not every person lives this way or struggles with the same things.)

The mission field is where I live and I need to keep remembering that.  There's a constant battle for souls going on.  I need to stay suited up and smelling like Jesus. (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 )

Living Above the Clouds Again

It seems like the seasons have remembered their roles.  Fall was beautiful and vibrant; the weather stayed decent longer than I expected it would.  Winter really lived up to it's name and maybe even overcompensated a bit.  It was beautiful at times, yet it became draining.  Living under constant cloud cover is exhausting.  Spring has awakened the earth and has already brought many days of rain with many more to come, this week included.  With all of the days of rain ahead and Spring doing it's job- bringing the earth back to life- we will be clouded again, temporarily separated from the sun.

We go through seasons in our lives too.  Maybe our moods/attitudes shift with the earth as it journeys around the sun.  The other day as I was reflecting on some seasons in my own life, I found that there have been times when I've lived like I'll never see the sun again.  Maybe you have too.  Many do.  The truth is, the sun has NEVER ceased to shine... not once since the beginning of time.

The Lord gave me the image of a plane's journey during take-off and landing on a dreary, rainy day.  I can picture it clearly because I've been on so many flights like that.  I take the window seat whenever possible.  I love gazing out over creation, even if I've flown that same path many times.  I never want to miss an opportunity to catch a glimpse.  On a rainy day though, there's not much to see at first.  Sitting on the tarmac is gray and gloomy.  When the plane starts moving and the earth starts shrinking, visibility is limited, unlike on clear days when you can see for miles.  Soon the earth is just a memory as the plane is engulfed in the clouds.  There's nothingness.  It's blank.  And then it begins to get lighter.  The plane continues it's ascent, climbing higher and higher.  Finally it bursts through the clouds and there's nothing but blinding light and clear skies.  NOW you can see for miles.  Now you can imagine yourself dancing and spinning on the clouds, free from burden and the weight that's been holding you down.  Life above the clouds is always sunny and bright.  For a time, it's exhilarating.  Breathing is somehow easier up there (though without the plane it would be impossible).

And then, like all planes do, it starts it's decent.  Heading slowly back down towards the clouds isn't so bad at first.  There's still so much to see.  Even once you're back in the clouds, the first minute or so is intriguing.  But as you break through on the other side, back to the gloom and gray, the exhilaration you felt just minutes before fades.  Returning to earth under the cover of the clouds once again can be discouraging.

What would it look like to live above the clouds?  To know that even in the storms and on the ugliest days on earth, the sun is still shining bright?  To let go of fear and insecurity and trust in the God who created it all?  What does that look like for you?

Today, for me, that looks like resting in Exodus 14:14 like I mentioned in my previous post.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

I found this video when I was looking for the lyrics of the song, Called me Higher by All Sons and Daughters.  It fits pretty well with the image that God has given me (minus the clouds) and the song is stunning.  Enjoy.

The Lord Will Fight

Today was different.  Good different... finally.  For the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe.  Nothing extraordinary took place.  Just peace.  Life has been anything but normal for me these days and I'm ready to get back to some form of normalcy.  It will happen eventually, of this I'm sure.

A fresh promise from God could not have come at a better time.  A friend recently sent me this verse, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  Exodus 14:14.  I've been meditating on this verse for nearly a week now.  It hit me like John 15 did so many years ago... stopped me in my tracks.  My plans ceased and God started making some changes.  I've not been too pliable lately, but that must end.  Even in the stillness I'm being called to, I must be willing to move and bend.  God is fighting for me... and it's a good thing because I'm tired.  He doesn't grow tired of fighting for me.  He doesn't grow tired at all.  Knowing that is such sweet relief to my weary soul.

In this passage from Exodus, the Israelites had just witnessed the first Passover.  They saw the miracles of God first hand and yet at the first sign of trouble, they panicked.  I'm much like the Israelites in that way... miracle after miracle and clear word after clear word, and I still panic.  But the Egyptian army was closing in on them and they had reached a dead end.  The Red Sea.  Had God not already promised to save them?  Indeed.  But they panicked nonetheless.  After they are all clear and to the other side, when the Lord destroys the entire Egyptian army, it is then that the Israelites fear and trust Him.

Oh Lord, may I not be as wishy-washy as the Israelites.  I know that Your promises are true and that You are trustworthy.  Let me not forget that You will fight and I need only be still.

Retreating, Idol Removal, and Other Adventures

Warning: a long update lies ahead.  Proceed with caution.

A few weeks ago I mentioned a retreat that I had taken with my youth kids.  I've taken some time to think through and process all of the things God did and the best way to describe it is amazing.  Of course, I expect nothing less when it comes to God.  The group that went was a good mix of newbies and veterans to this particular retreat center.  The couple of weeks leading up to the retreat, I spent a good amount of time in prayer and I also asked my youth team to be praying as well.  The day before we left on the retreat I had a phone prayer time with the other leader who came on the retreat as well.  Many of our congregants were in prayer too.  It's such a blessing to have so much prayer support and I'm convinced that the retreat went the way it did because it was completely covered in prayer.  Thank you to those who prayed with us.

Everything went smoother than I ever could have hoped.  We never have any behavior problems (so far), but everything else ran very well too.  The trip up to the retreat center was a blast.  After we got settled in, we went for our first time of corporate worship.  It's always such a refreshing time for me to be able to just be with my kids without having the pressure of preparing huge lessons and teaching.  I got to just sit with them and worship Jesus.  How cool is that?  After worship, they went to their age group meetings and the leaders had a meeting.  After that we met back up with just our church in our designated room.  What an amazing time of vulnerability.  My other leader led a short devo for us, we chatted, prayed, and then went to play wallyball until bed time.

The next morning at breakfast we found our assigned tables for our church, but instead of splitting into two groups, we all decided to cram around one table.  It was then that I knew the retreat was going to be nothing short of awesome.  My kids, ranging in age from 12 to 18 actually WANTED to sit together.  They were genuinely enjoying each other and loved getting to know the others.  My heart was swelling with pride in that moment.  After breakfast we went to morning worship and then the kids went to two seminars of their choosing while my other adult leader and I met to pray and pick music for our church group time later that night.  Again, that time of prayer and worship with the other leader was incredibly important and definitely prepared our hearts for our time with the students later that night.

Volleyball tournament... heading to the 2nd round!

The afternoon was spent playing in a volleyball tournament, sitting in a hot tub and sauna, swimming, and playing more wallyball.  Our kids stuck together the whole afternoon... again, they really loved their time together.  After dinner came the talent show and then evening worship.  My leader and I had been praying specifically for the evening worship service because as is the norm on retreats like that, it was going to be the alter call night.  I knew I had kids who didn't personally know Jesus and my prayer was that if they made that decision, it wouldn't be based on the pure emotion of the moment.  My prayers were answered and the college kids leading the weekend did a fantastic job of presenting the Gospel and opening the alter without trying to coerce the kids into anything.  I believe that the decisions made that night were very genuine.  During the music, though they were playing songs I loved, I couldn't do anything but pray for my kids.  And then during the alter call I had the opportunity to pray over each of my students individually.  It was such a privilege to kneel beside them, ask if I could pray, and then pray for them.  Thanks be to God for leading in that way.  All glory to Him for the souls that were saved that night!  After that, our church group time was a fabulous time of worship and fellowship.  We got hear from the kids and talk them through what they had experienced and then of course, we ended the night with a crazy game of wallyball.

By the time Sunday morning came, we were all a bit sleepy, but still somehow energized by God's movement.  The closing worship was great and our church group time was a sweet time of worship and sharing.  The kids expressed their love and thankfulness for one another and I, of course was amazed by them.  I talked with them about reentering the unchanged world as changed people and how to keep moving forward.  God gave such clear words to share with them and it was so encouraging to hear their responses.  We ended our time by having a picnic as a group down by the lake, which was also a sweet time.

Aren't we cute picnic-ers?

I love this group of people!

Our trip home was as fun as the ride up was.  Leaving is always bittersweet for all of us, but I was definitely ready for a nap!  Again, thanks to all who prayed for us and thanks be to God for a life changing weekend.

Since then, life has continued to move quickly.  The Yield service continues to go well, and again, all glory to God for that.  I absolutely love Saturdays... more than before we started Yield.  Preaching still challenges me (in a good way) and I really love bringing the message each week.  I also love the music we've been doing lately... not that it was not good in the past, but as our repertoire expands, my heart overflows with love for the Lord.  There are weeks when I'm sitting at the piano, playing and sing, and I just can't keep from smiling because I'm overwhelmed by His love and mercy.  So thankful!  Two Saturdays ago, I even got the chance to play guitar again and that was refreshing too.  I found that I'm a tiny bit rusty, but I've missed playing guitar and Jesus loved even the few botched notes because they were for Him anyways.  

Last week, my former youth kid (and current friend :) came to visit for her spring break.  It was a wonderfully busy week and I'm so thankful for such good times with her.  The first weekend was kind of low key and chill, but as the week began it was full steam ahead.  Tuesday we explored the shore a bit.  Neither of us had ever been to Atlantic City, so we wandered around there for a couple of hours.  We were such nerds as we drove on the "Monopoly" streets excitedly.  The boardwalk was pretty much clear of snow so we walked around for a little bit before getting too cold.  Then we headed up the shore to Seaside Heights... made famous by the Jersey Shore series on MTV.  Some of our friends were really into that show a few years ago, so it was fun to explore Seaside and see all of the stuff we had heard about and/or seen on TV.  We had made reservations at an Italian place in Tom's River called Rivolis, also made famous by the show, so after leaving the shore we headed to dinner.  It definitely lived up to our expectations... HUGE portions and delicious.  Good thing it was Fat Tuesday.  

Seaside Heights, on the boardwalk

Wednesday was spent getting some work done and shopping.  Jodi needed clothes for an interview and also wanted to get a hair cut... a spring break tradition for her.  Instead of going to a salon, which is what I normally do when I need a haircut, Jodi suggested we just go to Great Clips.  She's not as crazy about her hair as I am.  My hair has always been something I've paid way too much attention to, and my mom, being licensed, has always cut my hair... so having someone other than her cut it is a huge deal.  I would never consider Great Clips because I'm a hair snob.  I've been contemplating getting my hair cut quite a bit shorter for a few months now.  It had even become a distraction for me.  As I sat next to Jodi and watched her cut 5 or 6 inches from her hair, I realized just how invested in my hair I had become.  It had somehow become an idol for me.  When you've got 6 or 7 different kinds of shampoo and conditioner in your shower, you've got a problem.  Right there, in that chair, I knew I needed to let go of whatever stupid pride I had and get rid of the idol I'd been carrying around so proudly.  So, I told the girls I wanted mine cut too... for $7.99... at Great Clips.  4 or 5 inches later, the drama was over and my hair was gone.  Honestly, I felt completely free after that.  It's been wonderful and my hair is so easy to do these days.

Thursday we spent the day in Philly with an amazing family from my church.  We went to the flower show at the convention center and then got cheesesteaks from Geno's and Pat's.  All in all, it was a great day filled with WAY too much food.  

Emma, Carrie, Jodi, me, Nancy

And then on Friday, we drove up to north Jersey to meet a friend of mine to go skiing.  Neither Jodi nor I had ever been, so it was a nervous drive up there.  My friend has gone skiing a lot, so she taught us on the bunny hill and was extremely patient as we fumbled and learned.  We had an awesome day and I definitely can't wait to go again!  Too bad it's such an expensive sport.

Jean, me, Jodi

I took Jodi the airport at 4am on Saturday and our whirlwind week ended.  It's always so refreshing to have someone from home visit.  It's like a vacation for me too since I get to do touristy things when people come.  It's definitely more fun to have someone else to explore and go on adventures with.  

This week I'm getting back in the swing of things and preparing for an insanely busy weekend with the youth.  Prayers are very much appreciated.