Level: Crazy

A year ago, a number of churches in my community gathered together to worship, to pray, to learn, and to celebrate the life and mission of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr..  Our goal in meeting together was to challenge both ourselves and our church communities to be united, to stand as one in purpose and mission.  It was a beautiful and reflective time.  Since then, we've met several times for various services from Good Friday and Thanksgiving to a community tent revival.  It's been an honor and joy to get to know the other church leaders and their congregations.

In December, the group of pastors met to start planning for this year's unity service.  Sitting around a table with a group of ordained men, as the only woman (unordained, at that) was a bit intimidating.  We talked about how each church would participate and who would lead what during the service.  Since my senior pastor is out right now, it was determined that I would speak, representing my church.  With that initial decision came nerves, but I didn't allow myself to think about it too much because I still had a lot to do and a lot to get through before I could start worrying about January.  

Fast forward a month.  I've been preaching each Sunday for a couple of months now.  I've gotten into a bit of a routine, but with school starting back up, my schedule has resumed level: crazy.  With the unity service fast approaching, my nervousness increased.  I made the decision to only write one sermon for the week and use it at both our normal 8:30am service and at the unity service at the other church.  I couldn't imagine what I could preach that would be up to par with the other preachers... who are amazing, by the way.  As I prayed and researched I was led to John 17 where Jesus prays for His disciples and all believers.  I read through some sermons and things I found in reference to that scripture and unity and I wrote, borrowing a couple of illustrations.  With the Spirit as my guide, the sermon came together (as it always does) nicely.  I ran through it and practiced a number of times throughout the week.  Though I had confidence in the working of the Holy Spirit, my nerves didn't cease.  

When I preached at the 8:30 service at our church, things went very well and I started to get more and more excited about sharing the Word at the unity service.  Then I got to the other church... and the nerves came back.  My palms starting sweating and I felt a little sick.  Those old thoughts of inadequacy came soaring back and I began to question the sermon, my abilities, my heart, and a whole variety of other things.  Not to mention that I was leading the main set of worship along with our worship leader... and doing a special song with him and another church during our allotted time later in the service.  My mind was racing and it was hard to stay focused, but after some prayer and encouraging words, I settled in at the beginning of the service.  Leading the music and worshipping is always helpful to me as I offer myself to God and stand in His presence.  When it came time to preach, I was a bit more settled.  The nerves were present and I neglected to say anything prior to jumping into the sermon, but it worked and it began to flow nicely.  

The following is a clip that my dear brother recorded about halfway through my sermon.  In my mind, I have a bunch of reasons not to share this with you... it makes me vulnerable, I am extremely insecure about my physical appearance, I forgot to take the gum out of my mouth, I stutter, etc., but as my best friend pointed out to me today, not sharing it is exactly what the enemy wants to have happen.  The message of unity from Jesus in John 17 is too important to keep to myself... and the brilliant words and thoughts of others are given by the Holy Spirit.  Glory to God.

It was a privilege to preach and share with my brothers and sisters and I'm so thankful that God is bigger than my insecurities... and gracious and loving... and that He is allowing me to minister in this way.  I'm also so thankful for this very hectic and difficult season and those who are supporting me through it.  Thank you all.

Becoming Pliable

This morning I find myself sitting in the stillness of the sanctuary.  It's a bit chilly, but ever so peaceful.  The only sounds I hear are coming from the traffic on the road and the steady deep breathing of my faithful companions, always by my side.  There's an air of excitement in this place... this holy dwelling place of the God most high.  There is so much to look forward to and many things to do, but today I just want to sit in His presence.  I want to rest.  Really rest.  Honestly, I've allowed myself time to be incredibly lazy lately, and yet I don't feel rested.  Perhaps it's because I'm always thinking about the next thing.

Last semester ended very well and I'm pleased with my near perfect GPA.  It's by God's grace and God's grace alone that I made it through the semester.  It was hard.  Like I mentioned in my last post, not only was it hard academically, but emotionally as well... much more so than I anticipated.  It was good though.  Self awareness is always good.  I want to be a really good counselor.  This program is helping to ensure that that desire will be fulfilled as I continue to work hard and as God continues to shape me.  

Being pliable is not always easy for me.  But as I reflect on God as the Potter and me as the clay... I am thankful that His hands never stop molding me- even when I become hardened and stubborn, He doesn't take His hand from me.  The story of the prodigal son has been running through my head these last couple of weeks.  Meditating on the role of the Father in that story has been so humbling and beautiful as the world swirls around me.  The picture in my head of God standing with His arms open, peacefully, yet eagerly waiting for His child's embrace is so powerful that I can't stop my eyes from leaking at the thought of it.  Constant.  Mighty.  Loving.  Graceful.  Merciful.  Perfect.  Enough.

Towards the end of last semester, right before Thanksgiving, my senior pastor was hospitalized and diagnosed with lymphoma.  It all happened rather quickly and before I knew it, I was being asked to fill in for him in his absence.  That first week was stressful.  I was informed on a Friday night that I would be preaching the following Sunday.  Saturday, I had a full 10 hour day of class and I still had 2 other papers to write for school.  But by the leading of the Holy Spirit, the message God had for His people became clear and the sermon was written that Friday night just before midnight.

From there on out, it was a waiting game.  Still unsure how the district would have the church proceed and if they would in fact allow me, an unordained, non-clergy member to fill in, I planned an advent sermon series.  As the diagnosis became clear and a treatment plan was laid out for the pastor, the district superintendent, the church leadership, and myself met a number of times to hammer out a plan.  It was officially decided that I would fill in for our pastor.

So here I am, a second semester grad student working full time as a youth pastor, assistant pastor, and now as a lead pastor.  The church is rallying around me and I don't think I've ever felt so supported in my life.  It is an honor and a blessing to serve with such amazing people of God.  This new role is intimidating and I don't always feel very equipped for it, but thankfully, by the power of the Holy Spirit, He's enabled me to step up.  

I think the reason I'm writing today is twofold.  First, to remind myself of the power of God and the strength of His hand.  Second, to ask for prayer.  The next few months are going to be extremely difficult.  Balancing preaching, planning, outreach, administrative tasks, youth ministry, school, health, and having a life is going to be hard.  I'm not so good at the time management.  Would you stand with me in prayer during this time?  And the church too?  He must increase, but I must decrease.

"Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.  Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever!  Amen."  Ephesians 3:20-21