Piper and I were on a little 5 mile jaunt this morning as I reflected on my life and on my next steps.
10 years ago I was finishing up college with high hopes of doing something huge. I assumed that a college degree would mean that I could do anything I wanted to do. That's what we had always been told, growing up. Yet the first couple of years after college weren't spent living out some big dream with the perfect job, husband, and family. They were spent substitute teaching in a town that seemed so hopeless, never changing or moving forward. I felt like a failure... like I wasn't moving on because I didn't feel like I was meant for anything more. I was disappointed that my degree hadn't opened up more doors, although looking back, I didn't pursue any one thing in particular. I was somehow stuck, held down by what I had assumed was the right thing. I thought I had to get married and have kids before I could move on to something bigger. But those things wouldn't have allowed me to do what was next.
Going to Africa was such an easy act of obedience, if I'm being honest. God was leading me there, but I wasn't going kicking and screaming, like I assumed I would when He asked me to do something huge. I like adventure. I don't like leaving my family and friends, but it was the excitement of the unknown that drew me in. I knew that God was going to have to be my sustainer because I knew I would be terrified and alone at times. How quickly Uganda became home! God made a way. If my original plan- to get married and have kids- had happened, I'm not sure I would have been so quick to jump in with both feet.
The second year was even easier to say yes to because my original plan had fallen apart around me. Though, it was always in the back of my mind, as evidenced by the fact that I seriously considered adopting a sweet baby I had fallen in love with at a local baby home. I knew it wasn't the time, but I didn't know why. I was still stuck, trying to be who society wanted me to be. I was still striving to be a better version of me- thinner and not alone.
Oh how quickly things change. Fast forward three and a half years to today. Here I am, once again living away from my family and friends, trying to walk in obedience, and so uncertain about what the future holds. Over the years I've learned a little more about trusting God with what's next... it's still not always easy.
The dog and I took a little excursion into a neighborhood we've never gone through. The purpose of the excursion was simply to add some distance to our jaunt, but it's done more than that. We passed by these cute little houses with their perfectly manicured yards and freshly washed cars in the driveways. We stopped and let a 2, maybe 3 year old girl pet the dog and then run off to continue playing in her yard. It was seriously picture perfect. That old longing crept back up for a minute, but this time it was different.
The longing to have kids is gone at this point... not that it's outside of the realm of possibility, but as I've grown, I've come to realize that I'm not as tolerant of the toddler stage/early years as I once was. I know, I know... "it's different when it's your own," and all that. And maybe it is, but for now, I'm content to not have my own kids. The me from 10 years ago must be shaking her head in disappointment. Things haven't gone the way I'd planned or even the way society says they should. My longing for my original plan to succeed has changed so much. Yes, I long to be thin, to be settled, to have a husband to partner and walk through life with, but I'm seeing more and more just how little of the plan I actually get to see. All of MY plans have gone out the window. I have been realizing more and more that I am my Beloved's and He is mine. The part of my life that I can see and that I think I have control over is just a pin-point compared to the vast panorama that God sees.
My reflections have me looking ahead. I don't know how long I intended to be in this area, but God intends it for at LEAST 3 more years. I've been accepted into a masters program and starting this fall, I'll begin a new journey! I'm so excited... and so nervous. Of course any time you walk into the unknown lots of insecurities creep up (at least for me, they do)- am I smart enough to get through a masters program? Am I cut out for this line of work? How can I work full time, ministering effectively while earning a masters degree? All of these things have been laid on the alter and they're in God's hands now. I trust Him as He whispers to me, "Beloved, I AM the Lord your God."
