Big Girl Tears

I've been quiet the last few weeks because I've been busy.  Really busy.  My hope is to see as many people as I can and spend as much time with my family as possible.  Sadness is threatening to make it's way in as I meet with people, but for the most part I've been good.  As I said before, this is a time for jubilee, not mourning and I'm certain in this particular calling.

I have to admit though, that the night I accepted this new job was a huge mixture of initial emotions.  I was babysitting me nieces that night.  Kayla and Alex had just had their baths and were brushing their teeth when I received the call.  Once I was off the phone I went to tuck them into bed.  Kayla had heard me on the phone and knew that I had a new job that would make me have to move.  So she started asking me questions about it.  She wanted to know if I was going to work at the church I used to work at and live just down the road.  No.  She asked me where I was going.  New Jersey.  Is that as far away as Africa?  Nope, you'll be able to come visit me there!  As I tried to help her grasp the distance between here and New Jersey, giant, adult-sized tears began streaming down her little cheeks.  She wasn't sobbing or crying like a 7 year old does.  She was crying like a big girl... silently releasing her hurt and confusion.  Naturally, at seeing the pain on her face my own big girl tears began to flow.  So we sat there; I held her and we cried for a few minutes.  Then I kissed her, told her I loved her, and said good night.  

Since then we've talked about the fact that within just a few years she'll be old enough to hop on a plane to come see me.  Even at 9 or 10 years old it's not that big of a deal for a kid to fly alone anymore.  They make it so that my sister can walk her all the way to the gate, a flight attendent will seat her, and then I can meet her at the gate on the other end.  She'd only be "alone" for about 2 hours and I'm sure she'd be fine playing her Nintendo Dsi or something.  Knowing that it's possible to see me has been a comfort to her, I think.  It has for me!  Alexandria still doesn't quite grasp what's going on.  Plus, she's used to me leaving.  I left for Uganda when she was 15 months old, got home when she was two and a half, left again when she was 3, and got home when she was 4 and a half.  I don't know that it is shocking for her when I say I'm leaving.  Somehow that makes me sad.  Aside from being in Uganda, I've seen Kayla weekly if not daily, since the day she was born.  She is old enough to remember coming to my house to play.  She remembers going to Disney and Arizona with me.  The day I leave will be emotional and packed with tears, I'm sure.  

It's quite strange to think that I'm not just leaving for a "short" time, like a year.  New Jersey will be my new home.  When people ask where I'm from I think my answer will always be Chicago, but who knows?  30 years in one place constitutes that answer, but maybe eventually the answer will change to New Jersey.  I have friends and family who have relocated and settled into completely different states.  Two of my best friends have done it successfully.  For now though it's weird to think of Jersey as home... to go from being a midwesterner to an east coast girl... to not live with or within walking distance of family.  

God being the amazing God that He is, continues to give me peace.  I'm sure He knows just how much peace it's going to take to get me to New Jersey and out of my comfort zone.  I'm ok with not being comfortable, even for long periods of time.  However, I don't believe it's going to be long before my house is a home and my church is my family.  Praise God for being my Comforter and for knowing how much peace I need.  Praise God for friends and family here who have been and continue to be so supportive.  Praise God for the maturity of my two sets of beloved youth kids who are actually excited for me.  Praise God that people's response has almost always first been, "road trip!!"  I'm resting in John 15 today, as is true most days.