When last weekend hit it seemed like everything around me came crashing down. I couldn't see beyond my circumstances which has somehow been a common theme for me these days. With the craziness of my schedule, the intensity of my job, confusing relational stuff, and the lack of familial support (strictly due to distance), I was overwhelmed. I like to handle stuff on my own. I've been independent for so long that it's just what I do. I turn inward, thus losing my outward focus. It's hard to pour out love on people when you're only focused on yourself. The problem was that I had allowed myself to get to a point where I was sinking with no hope of ever coming back up. You know things are rough when at 30 years old you call your mommy and tell her you want to come home.
The Lord has been revealing bits and pieces as to how to get out of this inward rut. One of the first things He told me was to just be with Him. To just sit and talk to Him. Prayer has been on the top of my list all week and it's been wonderful. Then He told me to continue to give until it hurts. When I heard that I thought, "Until it hurts?! It's already hurting! How can I keep giving?"
"Give until it hurts."
My finances are really tight these days, so tight in fact, that I'm going to have to put off grad school yet again. How can I give more? His answer came on a Sunday morning when I was trying to skimp on my tithe. I was nervous that I wasn't going to make it through the week and thought if I just cut my tithe in half I might be ok. What a silly thought, right? As soon as I wrote the check for half of what I normally give, I wrote "void" across it and tore it up. The Holy Spirit spoke loudly to me saying, "I'll take care of you. Don't you trust me?" Ouch. So I wrote the full amount of my tithe, hoping that the check wouldn't bounce. It didn't, of course, but things have been far from easy. Ok, so I'm already giving of my finances until it hurts. Now what?
"Give until it hurts... give more of yourself. Give more love."
More of myself? How? To who? I just want to guard my heart and my time... aren't they my own? How can I give even more love?
For me this week that meant stopping what I was doing and changing my plans to help someone else... multiple times. It's meant serving people with a happy heart, not for any kind of recognition, but just because it's what Jesus would do. It's meant pushing through tough situations and being uncomfortable. It's meant spending a little extra time with people who obviously need it. It's meant sharing more of my personal life and my heart than I ever meant to, knowing I can't take it back. It's meant putting myself in situations that are really difficult for my heart to handle, but pressing on anyways in Jesus' strength. So now on a Friday do I feel weak? Absolutely. I feel like I've given more of myself than I wanted to, but I also know that's what God's asking of me.
Giving until it hurts is what Jesus did every single day. He gave of Himself freely. People came to him day and night. He had little solitude. He was persecuted, mocked, and crucified. He gave His life. Talk about giving until it hurts. The reality of Christ's life, death, and resurrection is the definition of giving until it hurts.
Mother Teresa once said, "I ask you one thing: do not tire of giving, but do not give your leftovers. Give until it hurts, until you feel the pain. If we worry too much about ourselves, we don't have time for others."
Tonight I'm thankful that He promises to carry me when it hurts too bad to give any more. So even when I'm mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally exhausted, I can fall into His arms of love and find rest. And when I do that, I know I can wake up tomorrow and give until it hurts again.
I read another quote that I fell in love with this week: "When someone gives you their time, they are giving you a portion of their life that they will never get back. It's one of the most precious gifts you can receive. Don't waste it."
I don't know who said/wrote it, but I know I love it. My main love language (from the book the Five Love Languages) is quality time. The way I feel love the best is when someone spends time with me. I read the book back in high school and it's been really helpful in understanding why I respond to certain people the way that I do. When someone doesn't make time for me I feel rejected and ignored. I realize just how high maintenance that sounds, but since I know that that's my love language, I also know that that's not everyone's love language so I've become much more understanding. (The other love languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch, btw.)
When I read that quote it really struck a chord with me. Am I being intentional with the time I spend with people? Do I appreciate it enough when people take the time to be with me? I think that because my love language is quality time... I have a tendency to be thankful for the time people give me, but I hadn't thought about the fact that when you spend time with someone you are getting a part of their life that they can't have back. What a heavy way to think about all of your interactions, right? But I think we're supposed to be very intentional about the time we spend with one another. I mostly spend time with (or spend time talking on the phone with) people who I desire to be close with and know intimately. I want to be intentional about my time and very thoughtful about taking other's time too.
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