Small Town Livin'

As is the norm these days, things have been moving rapidly.  What seemed to have come crashing down a few weeks ago is slowly building back up.  God is sustaining me just as I knew He would and always will.  I've been desperate to meet with Him as much as possible... something I am so grateful for.  It doesn't always look the same, but God is.  Some days it looks like a 3 minute devo reading on the go.  Other times it looks like an hour walk, listening to scripture being read to me by my Bible app.  And Yet other times it looks like me in the sanctuary by myself, playing guitar/piano and simply being with God.  No matter how long I've walked with the Lord, it never ceases to amaze me that He loves me and that He knows absolutely every single thing about me, down to the smallest detail.  My wants, needs, desires, anxieties, etc..  I take solace in that.  Even on days when I don't seek Him with all I am, He is.  Praise the Lord.  I was listening to Acts tonight on my walk... it seems like that's been my go-to book for much of this past year.  I love the beauty and power of the early Church.  I love how the believers were so unified and moving together with one purpose, towards one goal.  Sometimes I just want to find an "upper room" and pack it with believers and pray and study God's word with no restrictions or qualms. Doesn't that sound refreshing?  Doesn't it sound encouraging?  The North American Church (at times, myself included) is a sleeping giant.  What if we woke up and really started living out our original purpose... being in relationship with God and sharing Christ with every person we come in contact with?

I spent a good part of my weekend with family and close friends.  It was a rejuvenating, comfortable time after a crazy week.  On Monday, I stopped at the store on my way to spend the day with said family and friends.  I was asked to pick up an item to bring to our little feast.  Pulling into the parking lot, I was not at all surprised to see it jam-packed with cars.  Of course everyone was picking up last minute stuff for their BBQ's.  This is the only supermarket near my house and on the way to my gathering.  I was in the store for less than 5 minutes and I saw 2 people that I know.  Those who've lived here longer would probably run into many more on a trip like mine, but it made me realize how much of a change living the small town life is for me.

The city I grew up in, Naperville, IL, has about 150,000 people.  It's a large suburb of Chicago with 6 high schools that are bursting at the seams.  There were probably 5-8 large grocery stores within a 5 mile radius of my home.  This isn't to say that you never saw anyone, but it was nothing like living here.  Here, when I walk to get my mail, I hear later that 2-4 different people saw me getting my mail.  When I walk my dog, I get honked at and waved at by at least 4 people every time I'm out.  There's nothing really close by, or so it seems.  I'll bet it took me about 15 minutes to get to the bowling alley in IL, but there was a TON in between my house and there.  Getting places here, means driving through the country.  None of these things are bad, they're simply observations.  I'm used to a faster paced lifestyle and perhaps... a less invasive lifestyle.  I didn't question what my neighbors were doing.  People were not as involved in each others personal lives.  And then when I was in Uganda is was a totally different lifestyle... read: city-living at a fast yet, somehow dreadfully slow country pace.  It's hard to describe, but I loved it.

When I think about the differences of each lifestyle, I can find faults and beauty in all of them.  When I think about them coinciding with the early church, I'm not sure any of them meet those "standards" so to speak.  And yet, each different culture has the opportunity to share Christ as much as any of the others... it's just a matter of actually doing it.

When I was in the store on Monday, I quickly walked past one of the people I knew.  I wasn't intending to be rude, but they didn't see me, and it was my goal to be in and out as fast as possible.  The second person saw me and waved a brief greeting, which I returned.  Without putting God in a box, I'd venture to say that Jesus wouldn't have just walked on by that first person without asking them how they were doing.  Somehow in my faster-paced suburban attitude, it was easy to just breeze on by, assuming they were doing well.

There are days when I'm more than frustrated with the way the roads are laid out here and how far everything is, but then there are other times like tonight, when I'm walking my dog and watching the sunset over the trees as a deer grazes in a field, undisturbed by our close proximity, and I'm grateful.  I'm learning to be content with where ever God places me.  There's too much breath-taking creation to waste time being sour.

On a completely different note, I read this blog post (and this 2nd part) this week and encourage anyone and everyone to read it.  It's great for newly weds, soon-to-be weds, not even close to getting married's (singles), and for old married people. 

Giving Until it Hurts and Time

When last weekend hit it seemed like everything around me came crashing down.  I couldn't see beyond my circumstances which has somehow been a common theme for me these days.  With the craziness of my schedule, the intensity of my job, confusing relational stuff, and the lack of familial support (strictly due to distance), I was overwhelmed.  I like to handle stuff on my own.  I've been independent for so long that it's just what I do.  I turn inward, thus losing my outward focus.  It's hard to pour out love on people when you're only focused on yourself.  The problem was that I had allowed myself to get to a point where I was sinking with no hope of ever coming back up.  You know things are rough when at 30 years old you call your mommy and tell her you want to come home.

The Lord has been revealing bits and pieces as to how to get out of this inward rut.  One of the first things He told me was to just be with Him.  To just sit and talk to Him.  Prayer has been on the top of my list all week and it's been wonderful.  Then He told me to continue to give until it hurts.  When I heard that I thought, "Until it hurts?!  It's already hurting!  How can I keep giving?"

"Give until it hurts."

My finances are really tight these days, so tight in fact, that I'm going to have to put off grad school yet again.  How can I give more?  His answer came on a Sunday morning when I was trying to skimp on my tithe.  I was nervous that I wasn't going to make it through the week and thought if I just cut my tithe in half I might be ok.  What a silly thought, right?  As soon as I wrote the check for half of what I normally give, I wrote "void" across it and tore it up.  The Holy Spirit spoke loudly to me saying, "I'll take care of you.  Don't you trust me?"  Ouch.  So I wrote the full amount of my tithe, hoping that the check wouldn't bounce.  It didn't, of course, but things have been far from easy.  Ok, so I'm already giving of my finances until it hurts.  Now what?

"Give until it hurts... give more of yourself.  Give more love."

More of myself?  How?  To who?  I just want to guard my heart and my time... aren't they my own?  How can I give even more love?

For me this week that meant stopping what I was doing and changing my plans to help someone else... multiple times.  It's meant serving people with a happy heart, not for any kind of recognition, but just because it's what Jesus would do.  It's meant pushing through tough situations and being uncomfortable.  It's meant spending a little extra time with people who obviously need it.  It's meant sharing more of my personal life and my heart than I ever meant to, knowing I can't take it back.   It's meant putting myself in situations that are really difficult for my heart to handle, but pressing on anyways in Jesus' strength.   So now on a Friday do I feel weak?  Absolutely.  I feel like I've given more of myself than I wanted to, but I also know that's what God's asking of me.

Giving until it hurts is what Jesus did every single day.  He gave of Himself freely.  People came to him day and night.  He had little solitude.  He was persecuted, mocked, and crucified.  He gave His life.  Talk about giving until it hurts.  The reality of Christ's life, death, and resurrection is the definition of giving until it hurts.

Mother Teresa once said, "I ask you one thing: do not tire of giving, but do not give your leftovers.  Give until it hurts, until you feel the pain.  If we worry too much about ourselves, we don't have time for others."

Tonight I'm thankful that He promises to carry me when it hurts too bad to give any more.  So even when I'm mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally exhausted, I can fall into His arms of love and find rest.  And when I do that, I know I can wake up tomorrow and give until it hurts again.

I read another quote that I fell in love with this week: "When someone gives you their time, they are giving you a portion of their life that they will never get back.  It's one of the most precious gifts you can receive.  Don't waste it."

I don't know who said/wrote it, but I know I love it.  My main love language (from the book the Five Love Languages) is quality time.  The way I feel love the best is when someone spends time with me. I read the book back in high school and it's been really helpful in understanding why I respond to certain people the way that I do.  When someone doesn't make time for me I feel rejected and ignored.  I realize just how high maintenance that sounds, but since I know that that's my love language, I also know that that's not everyone's love language so I've become much more understanding.  (The other love languages are: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch, btw.)

When I read that quote it really struck a chord with me.  Am I being intentional with the time I spend with people?  Do I appreciate it enough when people take the time to be with me?  I think that because my love language is quality time... I have a tendency to be thankful for the time people give me, but I hadn't thought about the fact that when you spend time with someone you are getting a part of their life that they can't have back.  What a heavy way to think about all of your interactions, right?  But I think we're supposed to be very intentional about the time we spend with one another.  I mostly spend time with (or spend time talking on the phone with) people who I desire to be close with and know intimately.  I want to be intentional about my time and very thoughtful about taking other's time too.

I (don't) Quit

The following is a letter to Doug Fields (well-known youth ministry guy) from his friend, also in youth ministry.  It's included in one of Fields' very popular books and it's something that has really struck me in the last few months.  

"Doug,

     I quit youth ministry yesterday.  I got tired of hearing about how I need to make sure those youth behave during the worship service like I am the church bouncer.

     I got tired of parents who don't live Christian lifestyles and expect me to mold their kids in the few hours a week we have them and then when the kids screw up, the fault is the youth ministry not being deep enough.

     I got tired of those kids who play the game of being spiritual, but then live like they have never heard of Jesus.

     I got tired of adults who do not have a clue about youth ministry but have an outline of how I should do my job.

     I got tired of people not respecting the youth ministry calendar by scheduling the facilities and taking them away from students.

     I got tired of people who believe that the way we did church in 1948 worked and that it should still work today.

     I got tired of people who have complaints but instead of going to those with whom they have a beef, they make phone calls to gripe to dozens of other people in the congregation.

     I got tired of people who do not spend personal time with the Lord (by their own admission) but yet think they should run the church.

     I got tired of people who think my wife is also an employee of the church and should be available at all times.

     I got tired of people who keep asking when I am going to pastor my own church and become a "real" minister.

     I got tired of people who think youth workers can't be trusted and need constant supervision.

     I got tired of working late and people thinking that is what I should do.

     I got tired of people asking, "What do you do all day when the kids are in school?"

     I got tired of all the times that I failed and felt so inadequate to do this job.

     Bottom line.... I just got tired of being tired all the time!

     However, I was smart enough not to tell anyone that I quit. I went home, spent some time with my family (and I did not burden them with my quitting), spent some time in prayer, and got a good night's sleep. I am back on the job today. I have read Ephesians 6:13 and am steadfast that I will still remain standing (and not quit).

      Those same people who I was tired of yesterday are still in my life, but somehow God has given me grace to love them today. I am grateful for having the best job in the world, the opportunity to be used of God as a conduit for his grace to influence young lives. I am so glad that when I quit on God yesterday, that he refused to quit on me.

       Today, I'm making a commitment to last because what God has called me to is too important to quit.

    

  Your friend and (still) fellow youth worker,

                                                                       Brian" 

Let me be really clear... I'm NOT quitting.  In fact, far from it.  But as I read this letter and relate to a few of the things he "got tired" of, I'm encouraged by the last few lines of the letter.  I do have the best job in the world and for that I'm grateful.  And although I give God a million reasons to quit on me every single day, He doesn't.  He just doesn't.  Amazing.

Black Keys, Prayer, and Faith

Sleep seems to be hard to come by these days.  I've never been a good sleeper, so I'm not really shocked by the recent sleepless streak.  The week before last, I just didn't sleep well.  I woke up around 4am every single day.  This past week the little sleep was mostly my choice.  

My friend, Allan celebrated his birthday back in February.  When I saw that one of his favorite bands, The Black Keys was going to be semi-close by, I decided to get him tickets as a birthday gift.  (And by semi-close-by I mean Pittsburgh, which is about a five hour drive from here.)  We made road trip plans, took off of work, and awaited the concert.  So this past Tuesday we filled a cooler with drinks, grabbed some snacks, and hit the road for Pittsburgh.  It was a beautiful drive out filled with great conversation, much laughter, and good music.  When we got to the arena we easily found parking and made our way to find some food.  More laughter ensued as we enjoyed our dinner and people-watched those making their way down to the show.  Here's a very flattering picture from dinner:

Once we got in and found our seats the opening act started within minutes.  The Flaming Lips took the stage.  We sat through about a song and a half before deciding to leave.  There was no visible or audible talent at all.  It was terrible and just plain weird.  I know that people say the Flaming Lips are good, but live they suck.  Not my cup of tea.  So we stood outside hanging out and chatting while we waited for their set to be over.  When they were finished we took our seats and waited excitedly for the real show to begin and we were NOT disappointed when it did.  The Black Keys were awesome!  Their sound is amazingly unique and their musicianship is just fantastic.  They play with a very talented band, but when it was just the two of them playing, the sound was phenomenal!  They played a good mix of their songs and I'm so thankful that Allan schooled me well in their stuff prior to going.  We both really enjoyed the show and I'm so glad we made the choice to go.  

The drive home wasn't as fun, but it wasn't horrible by any means.  Less conversation and more music ensued through the night.  By about 3:30 or 4, I lost the battle with sleep and was in and out until we got home at 4:30am.  Bed by 5:30, up at 9:30.

The rest of the week was a bit of a blur.  Lack of sleep and little focus has been a common theme for me this week.  Jesus' response to my lackluster state of being is simply, "come."  It is never, "what have you done for Me?" or "why should I do (insert something here)?"  It's always just, "come."  Beautiful.

This morning the sermon was on Jesus walking on the water.  When a frightened Peter looked for proof that it was indeed Jesus walking on the water he said, "if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water."  Jesus simply says, "come."  As Peter ventures out he realizes that he is now amongst the dangers of the sea.  In his panic, Peter's doubt causes him to start sinking.  We all know how the story ends, Jesus takes his hand and pulls him up out of the water.

During the sermon we were asked two difficult questions:
1) How is your prayer life?
2) How is your faith?

When things are going well, do you fall on your knees in worship with thanksgiving?  When times are tough, do you cry out for help, "Lord, save me!" like Peter did?  Are you spending intentional time in prayer, refueling your soul, meeting with the Father like Jesus so frequently did?  Yesterday I spent some very intentional time praying.  I'm not so good at focusing when I'm at home or really somewhere really comfortable.  My very active thought life usually gets the best of me and I slip away from my prayer.  When I'm in the sanctuary at church, by myself, is when I'm most focused.  With so much going on in my life, in ministry, and in the lives of my dear friends and family, I just needed to stop and bring it all before the Lord.  I'm also so grateful for my best friend being here and being able to spend time together in prayer.

The second question, "how is your faith?" was also thought provoking.  Can you imagine the thoughts running through Peter's mind as he took that first step out of the boat?  Would you be willing to do that, to just step out?  What is Jesus asking you to do and are you willing to move forward in faith?

Today I'm grateful for Jesus beckoning me forward.  I'm grateful for people who challenge me in my walk with Christ.  I'm grateful for my church family and partners in ministry who always encourage.  Jesus is so good... a fact that, thankfully, doesn't change based on my circumstances or actions.