It's 11:30pm and I should be heading to bed considering the fact that I'll be driving 2,400 miles starting tomorrow. I'm completely exhausted, as is to be expected when packing up a home and saying "see ya later" to so many loved ones. It's so strange to feel so ill with grief and yet long for nothing more than these hours and days to fly by. Honestly... if I could just sleep for the next week or two, that would be great.
When friends become family, like mine have, it feels like I'm leaving a part of myself behind. While this season has not been without its challenges, these deep connections are clear evidence of hard work, love, and the presence of God. I've been reading a lot of Paul's writings lately... sitting with him in his grief as he moves from one place of ministry to the next... trying to gain some peace from his experiences, some wisdom. This is not at all to suggest the work I've been a part of is comparable to Paul's, but I imagine many of the things I'm feeling now were felt by him, felt by Jesus. Paul often reflects on his work and expresses how he's been impacted in his writings... and that is where I'm at tonight.
In the past few weeks, many people have reflected with me on our time together. They have shared how they've been so impacted by me and how deeply I'll be missed, which totally blows my mind. In all reality, I don't feel as though I've done anything special here. This is not me trying to be humble, this is just the way I tend to view myself, for better or for worse. I never feel like I've done anything extraordinary or anything that anyone else would not have done. I feel extremely blessed by these sweet relationships and I don't feel as though I've done anything at all to earn them. Again, much of this stems from my skewed view of myself, but it has been hard to stomach other people's experiences of me. I get embarrassed when people thank me because as they're speaking these things that are so true to them, I've got this little voice telling me, "yeah, you did that, but remember how you messed that other thing up? Remember how you said the wrong thing to that one person? Remember how you're a sinner and not as good as they think you are?"
As a perfectionist, I tend to think in terms of how I can improve upon myself. On the surface, that's not a bad thing, of course. Everyone can probably think of plenty of healthy ways to improve themselves. But the problem lies in the unrealistic expectations I carry... in those things that are paralyzing me tonight and preventing me from being comfortable with letting go and moving forward. These tears that won't seem to stop falling are reflections of feelings of guilt, regret, and imperfection.
And yet, even in this moment... even as I write this out right now, Jesus whispers to my heart, "grace." Tonight as I prayed with some friends, I prayed for them to fully know God's grace. It's so easy to pray this for those I love, but I don't always have the mind to pray the same for myself. Something I've been challenged to do over and over again, especially in the past couple of years is to learn to really allow myself the grace I believe is offered to everyone else. To let go of perfectionism and to accept God's gift of grace... for it is definitely by the grace of God that I am able to do anything. Tonight this means allowing myself to weep without feeling silly... because I love people deeply. It means releasing myself of guilt and regrets, knowing and trusting that God works even in spite of my imperfections... even though I didn't always handle things well, people still know and have experienced God because I said "yes" when God said, "therefore, go."
And just like, most of the weight lifts off my chest (some of it is going to stick around as I continue my "see ya later" meetings tomorrow). Freedom in the midst of deep grief and sorrow. Thanks Jesus.
I have much more to share about my final weeks here in Jersey and lots to process through about the exciting things that lie ahead, but those things will have to wait. I'll leave you with some Scripture and a picture.
“As Jesus was
speaking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, asking to speak
to him. Someone told Jesus, “Your mother
and your brothers are standing outside, and they want to speak to you.” Jesus asked,
“Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he pointed to his disciples and said,
“Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in
heaven is my brother and sister and mother!”” Matthew 12:46-50
“And now I
entrust you to God and the message of his grace that is able to build you up
and give you an inheritance with all those he has set apart for himself.” Acts 20:32
“Two people are
better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out
and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can
keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and
defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better,
for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
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| So much love 💛 |
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