Attitude Adjustment

In my last post, I mentioned my annoyance at having to spend lots of money to travel and take a class from a university that openly supports ideology that is neither Christ-like nor honest, though it would claim the opposite.  While that part of the week has been a struggle, I've since (mostly) reconciled with the fact that, right now, I have to jump through hoops in order to obtain my LPC.  The idea of giving my money to such a place sickens me, but I guess we all have to deal with such obstacles as we journey through life.  You guys, I seriously didn't even want to drive through campus when I got to town because I am so sincerely disappointed with the choices being made "in the name of Christ."  So you can imagine my attitude on the first day of class. (I know, I know... get it together, suck it up, extend grace, and be like Jesus.)

On Monday, I sat in the classroom, looked around at the 60 or so others and committed, right then and there to get as much out of the class as I could.  The truth is, the class is on something that I do every single day at my current job, so it would have been easy to shut down and coast through the week.  How arrogant and prideful to think like that.  I've have chosen a profession in which there will always be so much to learn and I will forever be striving to know more in order to best serve my clients.  So, I settled in.  And I am thankful that I did.  Yeah, a lot of what we've done this week has been fairly familiar, but I am certain that I will never memorize the DSM 5, so the more time spent in it, the better.

Truth be told, I've enjoyed a majority of the people with which I've been interacting.  Yeah, some of the students, especially the older ones, are clearly gawking at my tattoos and nose ring, pretty judgmentally too, but the two professors that I've been working under have been very knowledgeable, helpful, and honest.  And though biases kept popping up in my mind throughout the week, I was given the opportunity to express them to a friend over dinner last night, and it was so refreshing for me.  This friend in one that I've known for years, but have had limited contact with for much of that time.  She was a teacher in Uganda in 2011, so our paths only crossed there for about 5 months when her school year ended.  Since then, I've only seen her one time at a mutual friend's wedding, but thanks to social media, we remain ever so slightly in contact.  This friend both attended and worked at the university for much of her adult life.  It was both eye-opening and affirming to sit and chat with this sweet soul, confessing the struggles of the week.

I've had many of these little reminders of the need for grace in my life... many nudges of the presence of God.  Hanging out with South Jersey friends, exploring this town, having time and space to myself, meeting up with my friend, and then spending tonight out in creation has renewed my weary heart.  My friend told me about a hike up the mountain I'm staying on, to a gazebo overlooking the valley, the school, and the town, and the mountains.

So after class this afternoon, I went and grabbed food, brought it back to the room for later, changed, and set out to hike this mountain.  Mind you, I'm grossly out of shape these days, so I knew it would be a struggle, but when I set my mind on something I'm certain I can endure, I make it happen.  I ventured out into the woods, up the mountain, beginning along a gravel road.  I saw various trails heading in different directions, but knew I needed to keep going straight on the slight incline.  Then, I saw a path with a much steeper incline, and somehow knew it was the way up to the gazebo.  So I started the climb.  It was really difficult for me and my knee was crying, but it was also somehow worshipful and exciting.  Of course, I stopped many times to rest, catch my breath, and laugh at the squirrels that were going insane along the sides of the trail and in the trees.

Finally, I reached a clearing and saw the rest of the way up the mountain to the gazebo.  Yeah, I was sweating, out of breath, and my legs were upset with me, but it was well worth it because the view and the beauty were amazing!  I was a little disappointed to see that there were 4 guys hanging out in the gazebo.  I don't know why, but I kinda assumed I would have it all to myself.  I creepily stood, enjoying the view and trying to decide if I should just go and sit with them.  As I edged closer to them, the oldest guy said, "come on, girl.  You can come sit with us.  We won't bite."  I laughed and accepted the invitation, not sure what to expect, but thankful to not have to sit in the itchy grass.

I found out that they work for the public, taking care of the roads all around the state of Virginia.  They had found a way to drive up to the top of the mountain (which I'm glad I didn't know about, or I would have done that instead of hike!) and they were relaxing after their long day of physical labor.  One of the men, in his 30's, was carving out his name or some saying into the wood of the gazebo.  I was certain the the school wouldn't approve, though he clearly wasn't the first to do so.  So we sat and shot the breeze for a while.  We all laughed as they told stories and then they asked me about my life and what I was doing at the top of the mountain.  They also talked to me about other places I should hike and caves I should explore.  All the while, they were openly drinking, taking swigs of Jack from a 5th, chased with Coke, chain smoking, and cussing like sailors... and I loved it!  It was so much fun to sit and have genuine conversation with people who may get ignored or judged as I've felt (on a much smaller scale) this week.  I have a feeling that these men are under recognized and under appreciated for the work they do around this state.  After maybe 45 minutes or so, they offered me a ride to my car (which I declined because I wanted to enjoy the hike back down) and then headed out in their truck and went on their jolly way.

As I made my way down the mountain, I thought about my interactions with those guys.  They invited me, a stranger, into their little circle so I had a place to rest comfortably.  They asked me questions about myself and shared with me about their lives and work.  They offered wisdom about this area of Virginia and suggested other beautiful sights I would enjoy.  Never once did I feel at risk or unsafe (and yes, all the moms reading this, there were other people in proximity).  Never once did I feel judged for being out of breath and sweaty when I first crept up the side of the hill.  They wished me well and advised me to be careful on my way back down.

I don't think this is some magical interaction, but what I do think is that these type of meetings are few and far between these days as we walk around with our heads buried in our phones, connected to everyone except those right in front of us.  I also think that if more people were as welcoming and honest as those guys were, things would look a lot different.  Imagine if the Church were less divided and more committed to opening it's doors and welcoming in the lost, the sick, the sinners.  Imagine if people were less scared to sit and be authentic with one another.  What would it be like?  I didn't share the gospel with these men tonight... not in the traditional sense.  I offered my thoughts and shared a few tiny pieces of me, and I hope that they met Jesus in there somehow.  Maybe they know him well already... I didn't ask.  Yet, it was a holy time and I'm thankful.

Here are some pics from the trek...

Who Knew?

I've been in Arizona for about 5.5 months now.  It's not been without difficulty, but I'm finding my groove.  Aside from not having my own living space right now, the biggest challenge has been my school situation.  Without boring you with all of the details, story is that the Board of Behavioral Health in Arizona says that I don't meet their requirements in order to be licensed as a counselor.  Who knew?  So, I've spent months going back and forth between many schools to try and figure out how to do what I need to do without having to move back to New Jersey.  One school in AZ even went as far as suggesting that I "just redo" my master's degree.  After I stopped laughing, I hung up and cried.  Redo my master's degree??  How could that even be a casual suggestion after all of the energy, work, and MONEY that I put into the last one?  Anyway, the Board of Behavioral Health has stated that they won't even talk to me until I meet their requirements... and I won't fully know if I meet their requirements until I take more classes, submit my various transcripts, and pay a hefty application fee, and hope they accept the classes.

That being said, I have yet to find a school that will transfer in more than 50% of the credits their degree requires.  So, my next option is to take classes as a non-degree seeking student.  This way, I'm taking the required classes, but the university does not have to hand me a piece of paper saying I went through their program.  Fair enough.  No school will allow you to take more than 12 credits as a non-degree seeking student.  I need exactly 12 more credits.  Seems easy enough from there, right?  Wrong.  One of the more important courses that I'm missing can only be taken by degree-seeking students, or those who represent a university's program.  Cool.  So, I began researching and making phone calls only to find that one school will allow me to take the course I need.  Unfortunately, that Virginia based school is a school I don't respect and one that I don't care to give my money to.  Truth be told, I took a class there over the summer last year in order to complete a certain requirement to get my master's faster.  The class I need has a required pre-req.  This means taking at least two more courses from them.  C'est la vie, I suppose.

So, at this point, my options are to take those two classes and move to Illinois (where I would then meet licensure requirements), or take those two classes and then take three others from a more local university and continue to pursue my license here in Arizona.  A third option would be to sell all of my personal belongings and catch a flight to Uganda with Piper.  Honestly, the third option sounds best right about now.  The main problem with taking any and all of these courses is that non-degree seeking students do not qualify for financial aid.  This means coming up with about $10,000 up front.  Chump change, no?  

The good news is, I have a great job doing what the Board of Behavioral Health doesn't want to license me for doing.  In AZ, as long as you're working under supervision, you can provide therapy with a master's degree.  I feel incredibly thankful to have found this job that I had no clue I would qualify for at this time.  In fact, when I got the interview, I thought, "well, at least this will be good experience for the future."  It didn't go terribly bad, but I didn't walk out of there feeling super confident as I wasn't familiar with a particular model of therapy.  Well, I'm over two months in now and things are going well.  I'm learning more and more every day, constantly trying to read and learn new things, taking online training courses through work, and seeking counsel from those I work with who are much more seasoned than I.  

The organization I'm working for is called Chicanos Por La Causa (people for the cause).  It's a very large non-profit organization serving people in 3 states, offering a wide variety of services.  The center where I work offers behavioral health services for youth and adults, including onsite psychiatric care, to a largely low income area.  My title is "adult clinician" although I have a few younger clients (17 and 18 years old) from the youth side due to their East African culture and my (minimal) understanding of their culture and lifestyle.  

I would be lying if I said I don't have days when I'm frustrated or even clueless, but I'm never shy about seeking help in order to best care for my clients.  I serve a very diverse set of diagnoses and often find myself digging through textbooks and other resources to stay fresh and up to date with the best therapies.  Most days, I come home exhausted.  The mental capacity this job requires is huge and I have a caseload of 65 clients right now, soon to be 80, so it's not going to let up any time soon.  Not only do I provide counseling services, but our contract with the medicare provider states that I also provide case management.  So I make lots of phone calls, communicate with primary care physicians, the psychiatric nurses, probation officers, etc, not to mention documenting every call made and email or fax sent.  

My goal is to get to a place where I don't come home and throw on pajamas at the end of the day and sit mindlessly in front of the tv or something.  At one point, I was going to the gym a few times a week on my way home from work, but I've quickly fallen out of that habit.  It would be prudent to pick that back up as I don't feel well physically these days.  I know I've gained some weight and I just don't feel great.  Even Piper has put on a few pounds because we're just less active than we were before.  

I admit that I still don't love the idea of sitting behind a desk so much, but meeting with clients and being in conversation much of the day does help a bit.  Much like an official ministry position, this job requires that I pour myself out without always (or ever) being poured back into.  And so many of my clients have been through the wringer, to say the very least.  Confessing their hurt, trauma, grief, etc as the tears flow from their eyes.  There have been times at the end of a long day that I weep on my way home over the stories I've heard that day.  It's hard, but I thank God for His grace and strength.  Jesus' example of compassion and His clear model of service and ministry to all people moves me to tears.  It is a privilege to serve the diverse demographic I serve.  It is life-giving to "dine with the outcasts and sinners," those that society is so quick to dismiss due to an addiction or a bad life circumstance.  I'm certain that I don't act with the kind and caliber of compassion that Christ does, but I try... and some days it's more of a conscious thing than others.

On a completely different note, I am still looking for a strong community of faith.  As much as my soul needs some refreshing and renewing, I miss being in official ministry.  I'm planning to try a new church after Easter and I'm hopeful.  

Other than that, my time has been spent at many Cubs spring training games around the valley.  It was so fun while it lasted, but I gotta say... when I first started going to spring training games about 20 years ago, tickets were NOT $28 each, with a $20 parking spot.  With it's popularity, comes higher prices... and some of it is just because it's the Cubs and fans come from all over the U.S. to see them.  It's shaping up to be an exciting year of baseball! 

Enough is Enough

In such a politically charged year, it has been really hard to bite my tongue.  I have not always been successful, sometimes giving my opinion when it was unnecessary.  I sit here today, still baffled, angry, and confused that our so-called president is still in office, and more than that, that people are still supporting and defending such an evil person.  To call him a man would give him too much credit.  No man I know would be ignorant enough to do or say 99% of the stuff he does.  America, he is setting us up for failure.  His presence in office threatens our safety and and pushes us further away from peace than we have been in a long time.  He is hate-filled and ignorant, viewing the world from the back seat of a limousine or Air Force One as opposed to coming down to the level of those he claims to support and stand behind.

 We have put up with this abomination long enough.  His disgusting words yesterday are further proof of his ignorance and the hate that fills his very soul... they are evil words that evidence his grossly hardened heart.  There is no proof of love or grace in him.  To use the undignified language he does is immature, unintelligent, and serves only to weaken this country.  He is a racist bully that believes he needs to say such things in order to show his power and make this country great again.  I've got news for you, so-called president, you are an embarrassment who has done nothing but breed further division.  There is no greatness in that.  It's hard to hear such horror day after day.  It's hard to believe that this is what America is reduced to now.

After having lived in one of those "shithole" countries for a number of years, I can tell you first hand that though infrastructures are not perfect and corruption is the norm, so many of those beautiful countries are doing more for their people than the commander in chief would ever dream of doing.  Uganda, the Pearl of Africa, is the approximately the size of Oregon.  Relatively small, right?  It has taken in over a million refugees in the last year alone.  Along with the help of many NGOs, it provides food, shelter, clothing, and education for its victimized and traumatized neighbors.  To me, that looks a lot like something Jesus would be involved in... a lot like something I so long to be involved in again.

I have sat and listened to the stories of trauma first hand.  I have held their hands, wiped their tears, laughed and rejoiced with them.  I have been a part of educating and mentoring these dear people.  I have seen lives completely transformed... I've seen healing take place.  This is not about what I've done in the least, though.  It's about the work that's being done all over the world, every single day, that betters the lives of so many.  Christ came and died for all, or have we forgotten that each soul matters?  I could go on and and about the many ways that I've seen good come from a "shithole" country; much more than I've seen from anyone in our current administration, but I digress. 

I would be willing to wager that the president has never in his life been willing to get down off of his pedestal and to support and encourage people from such plights. Why would he, after all? He may get sweaty or dirty if he did that.  He may miss a round of golf, or worse, a meal.  It wouldn't serve him and his nationalist way of life.   Someone else would have to be the center of attention and we've all seen what happens when that's the case... like a toddler in his terrible-twos, he throws a fit and tweets how great he is, greater than whoever is his current target.  Again, it's astonishing and incredibly disappointing.

I'm so proud of all of the "shithole" countries that are working hard to improve day after day, instead of going backwards by decades as we are in America.  I will continue to support and stand behind all of the amazing work that is being done in so many African nations, in Haiti, and all around the world.  With MLK day coming up, I'm encouraged to be reminded of what real leadership does and and what real leadership looks like.  I'll end my anger-filled, heartbroken rant with the words of Martin Luther King Jr.: "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it.  He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."

Stand up.  Resist.  Call your reps.  Enough is enough.

Celebrating Life

New years are always exciting to me and I happen to celebrate a new year of life within a day of the rest of the world celebrating a new calendar year.  It's no secret that I love my birthday.  I love the idea of new beginnings and a fresh start.  I couldn't think of a better way to celebrate than by heading up to the Grand Canyon for the day with my brother.  I really enjoy hiking and exploring... and standing on the edge of exciting things, both literally and figuratively.

Like a child awaiting Christmas morning, I awoke early on my birthday (Dec 30th).  I was ready for the day and my phone was buzzing with lovely greetings from friends all over the world, across many time zones.  I tried to force myself to sleep longer, knowing that it would be a long day of driving and hiking, but at 5:40am, I gave up and looked at my phone.  The first story on my Facebook newsfeed was that a dear friend of mine had passed away.  I stared at my phone, unbelieving.  I knew she had been very sick over Christmas... and that she had been fighting a battle for a long time, but I had no idea that her recent stay in the hospital would end that way.  I couldn't keep the tears from overflowing at the shock and sadness of it all.

In the last 5+ years of my life, I've experienced the death of a few (more distant) family members and so many people from my congregation.  Death is not unfamiliar, but it's always heartbreaking.  This particular death was like a blow to the chest.  Truth be told, I didn't interact with Bonnie much since moving to New Jersey.  And even before then, I had been back and forth between Illinois and Uganda, so our time together was short.  

I met Bonnie Kiefer back in 2007 or so when a friend of mine started as the new youth director at a church in Fishers, Indiana.  At that time, I was spending many of my weekends in Indiana with said friend, thus getting to know both the youth, and the youth leadership.  Bonnie was an adult leader and had two boys in the program at the time.  Bonnie came with us on our first mission trip to Chattanooga, TN and our friendship was immediately solidified in my heart.  Bonnie was fun, adventurous, brave, brilliant, honest, hard-working, and compassionate.  She was a straight-shooter and not someone you went to if you wanted something sugar-coated.  With lots of love for me, Bonnie provided guidance and wisdom during relationship woes, career decisions, and just life in general.  She was a supporter like none other... if anyone ever needed someone in their corner, Bonnie was the person to go to.  She was someone who got stuff done.  She was an advocate, a voice for so many with the gift of empowering everyone with whom she came in contact.  

Bonnie checked in with me regularly... even when I lived Uganda, we chatted a number of times.  Our phone conversations were never super lengthy, but they were always very meaningful.  When I lived in New Jersey, Bonnie came to town one time on business.  In fact, it was her birthday.  I went and picked her up at her hotel, and being unfamiliar with the area as I was back then, we googled the closest restaurant and went to dinner to celebrate.  For hours we laughed, chatted, and caught up on just about anything and everything.  Pure joy.  That's how I remember that evening.  I, of course, had no clue that that was the last time I would see Bonnie face to face.  Of course, we kept up via social media, messaging one another from time to time and chatting on the phone a couple of times.  Sadly, I haven't made it to Indiana in so many years because when I'm in the midwest now, it's so brief.  

It's in these times of grief that it's so easy to speak only the goodness that a person exemplified, but truthfully, that's all I knew of Bonnie, and for that I will always be grateful.

So as I laid in bed this past Saturday, mourning the loss of my dear friend, I was tempted to just go back to sleep; tempted to say, "forget it" in regards to going to the Grand Canyon because I didn't feel much like doing something awesome anymore.  I felt like staying in my pjs and crying.  After some time, I fell back to sleep, but only briefly.  As I woke up a few minutes later than I had planned to for the hiking trip, I thought sadly about Bonnie.  And then something clicked.  I decided that there would be no better way to celebrate the life of Bonnie than by moving forward with my plans.  She would have gone.  With her adventurous spirit on my mind, I got ready for the day, feeling really excited to stand on the edge os something so huge, excited to think of her amazing life in such a beautiful place.   

So we went.  I woke up my brother, and we headed out for the day.  As he slept on the way up, I thought about Bonnie's life and shed some tears.  Then I talked to a friend who knew Bonnie much better than I did.  It was relieving to talk about my sadness and feel validated by someone who was feeling the same pain I was.  By the time we got up to the Grand Canyon, I was ready.  We hiked the quarter mile up to the rim of the canyon from where we parked.  That first glimpse of such beauty is always breath-taking, but being a Saturday AND a holiday weekend, it was packed by the railings.  So I wanted to get to a place where there were fewer people, where I could enjoy the quiet and vastness of it all.  I hiked down this little area where few others seemed brave enough to venture.  It was well worth it.  Those few moments of solitude were refreshing and comforting as I thought of Bonnie. 

The rest of the day was spent hiking about 5 miles.  At times, I felt the need to break off the beaten (paved) path to climb down the side of the cliff, to admire the beauty around me.  My Fitbit told me that I climbed something like 50 flights of stairs just from all of the side trips I took.  My brother wasn't always willing to follow me, but I loved it.  We had a great time and I really want to go back when I have more time off of work and when I can bring Piper with me, too.  

I'm so thankful for Bonnie's life... and I'm so thankful our paths crossed, even briefly.  I'm so thankful for my family and friends and all those who took the time to bless me on my birthday.  What a sweet reminder of the fullness of my life.  Over the rest of the weekend and into today, I learned of 3 other deaths, 2 from my church in New Jersey, and 1 an acquaintance that I only had the pleasure of meeting once thanks to our mutual love of Uganda.  These lives are all worth celebrating and I'm certain I'll be reflecting on each one in the coming days, weeks, and beyond.  Being so far away means that I'm unable to join friends and family for those funerals, which is really difficult, but I am taking solace in the fact that so many will be celebrating their lives together.  Eternity with Jesus is worth celebrating, that's for sure.  

Bonnie feeling nervous on the swinging bridge.  Chattanooga Mission trip, 2008

Chattanooga, TN
Me, Adam, Trent, Bonnie, Taylor, Dean

So much laughter

Mission trippers reunited in Logan, West Virginia, 2013
Dean, Adam, Me, Bonnie, Trent

Bonnie's birthday dinner, 2013

Grand Canyon

Me and Vinny