Just a heads up... I'm not referring the the book Just Give Me Jesus by Ann Graham Lotz, although I love that book and recommend it! :)
Recently as I've been spending time in the Word the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me loud and clear on my ministry and how I'm to disciple others. I've read through a couple of other books as well, one of them being Radical by David Platt. I highly recommend checking this book out. If you're complacent, burnt out, and/or tired of church politics, Radical is an amazing reminder of living life the way Christ intended us to live. The title really says it all.
Anyway, as I've been studying Acts, the early church, and the life and ministry of Christ I've found myself comparing the way I do ministry to those who were front runners in the early church. They were not apologetic for the Word that they were bringing. They did not dumb things down so as not to offend others. They were out there on the front lines preaching the truth of Jesus Christ to all those they came in contact with. They gave up living a (first century) comfortable life and "went". The Great Commission has been fueling my life recently, as I believe it should be, and I've never wanted to go, baptize, and teach more than I do now. I love this command from Jesus. I love that it's not a suggestion, but clear instructions on discipleship. Often times in the modern church we find ourselves swamped with programming, discipleship plans, and events which are all great and should definitely be up and running, however the picture of the early church is lost. What has happened to gathering together in a simple room, not always being the most comfortable place, and studying the Word of God? Why do we have to have the best sounding worship band? Why do people leave a church because they don't like the way a band sounds? What about making a joyful noise to the Lord? Now, being a music lover, I cringe at the thought of out of tune guitars and bad harmonies, but if we're singing to the Lord and our focus is 100% on Him and His glory, then what does it really matter?
What if we didn't even have music or fancy lights? What if we took away the comforts of the church building? Would we be as apt to show up on a Sunday morning if we knew we had to sit on a cold floor to hear the Word of God? Is the Word of God enough on a Sunday morning or do we have to fill time to keep people entertained. Do you have to have some huge experience every week in order to meet with God?
I completely understand that in our culture some of these things are expected and I venture to say almost necessary. Meeting people where they're at is hugely important in ministry. Look at Jesus. Unfortunately that eventually means catering to the wants, not needs of people, and something gets lost in the interim. What gets lost? Jesus.
Jesus' ministry was relational. His disciples, those closest to Him, were privileged to know Him and I mean really know him. The model of ministry that Jesus laid out for us seems so simple. Closely disciple a few, who will in turn disciple a few others, and those others will then be able to disciple others and so on. It's a "pyramid scheme" of sorts. Now, when you think of a pyramid scheme I'm almost certain that it conjures up negative thoughts and feelings. I often think of slimy money making schemes where the person at the top of the pyramid is living the high life and those below are doing all the grunt work. That is not the picture of Jesus' discipleship ministry though. While ministering to thousands, Jesus closely discipled 12. There is evidence of the strong, personal relationships He had with His disciples all over the gospels and the entire new testament. I love the intimate interactions that He had with the disciples. The level of comfort that they all felt with one another was that of family. They relied on each other. Jesus called upon them in emotional times, He called them to pray with Him. He desired to be near them and spend time with them. This is a beautiful picture of the type of relational ministry that I'm talking about. This is sometimes lost in the programming and discipleship planning. The most effective ministries happen when relationships are built. The more you spend time with people and show them the love of Christ, the greater your ministry will be.
I think of my ministry with the youth. I don't do everything right and I'm not perfect, despite what you may think. :) However I do my best to spend time with the youth, build relationships, which in turn builds trust and the ability to teach. There is a fine line between friendship and ministry when it comes to youth, but I believe that youth are most responsive when you love on them. Kids are constantly texting me and asking me to hang out and while some of it is just hang out time, some of it is mentoring/discipling time. I love it. It's so much fun... and so much work. It challenges me everyday to live my life in a way that exemplifies Christ. Youth watch your every move. They know when you mess up and they will generally call you out on things. Since they are watching so closely, the best way to keep up a good discipling relationship is to walk daily with the Lord. They will see it and mimic it to some extent.
I've been frustrated with myself for some time because of my expectations of the church, which is where this all stems from. There have been mornings when I find myself disappointed because we didn't sing my favorite song in worship or something silly like that. What I'm finding more and more is that I personally need to think through my expectations of my church experience. I need to go, meet with God, and not focus on the distractions of the lights and the ambiance.
Thinking about going back to Africa reminds me of church experiences there. People wake up, walk to church sometimes for miles in the best clothes that they can find. The preacher might preach for an hour or two, sometimes more and the people are there, hungry for the word of God. The music is simple, voices raised singing joyfully to the King. Sometimes there are keyboards and sometimes there's a drum, but either way people come to sing for hours to the Prince of Peace, to sit on hard benches or dirt floors under a tin or mud roof in the hot African sun. They come to meet with God. They come to worship and sing praises. They come poor, hungry, and naked to thank God for all He has done for them.
Talk about a picture of the early church! Gathering in the simplest of places to hear the Word of God. No programs. No lights. No comfortable chairs and air conditioning. Just Jesus. Just gathering as the body of Christ, loving each other as we love our God.
I realize that this was kind of disjointed, but my mind is working overtime right now on some of this stuff. Let me know how I can be praying for you. Much love!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Birthday Wish
I know I just posted like 2 days ago, but as I'm sitting here at work avoiding actually working I was thinking about my birthday. Ok no... it's not until December 30th, but those of you who know me well know that my birthday is my favorite day of the year. Not really for any specific reason either. I just love birthdays and love celebrating life I guess. This coming birthday isn't even anything special like a golden birthday or a big number or something. I still have 2 more years until a big birthday. I've decided what I want more than anything... I want to see all of the people I love together at one time. I realize that this is nearly impossible seeing as though not everyone lives within a 50 mile radius of me. Again, time spent is my love language so any time I get to spend with people is a blessing for me. I'm leaving within weeks of my birthday, so it seems like a good time to see everyone before I go. Also, I won't be in the US next year on my b-day. I haven't made any plans yet, but I'm thinking a b-day/going away party would be fun. I also know that not everyone is available because of Christmas and New Years, but let's make it a point to hang out before I leave on January 19th, mmmmk?? :)
The end.
The end.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Take Away the Sadness
The past few weeks have flown by in a whirlwind of activity. From a fairly busy weekend in Indy to Kayla's 6th birthday, I've found myself constantly in motion. This past week I played mommy to my nieces for a couple of days as my sister was out of town and my brother in law works crazy hours. Getting two kids ready for school and day care makes you late if you're not used to the routine. We had a good couple of days, but I was tired! Friday morning made it all worth it though. I had explained to Alexandria that she might wake up on Friday and no one would be home upstairs. My room is downstairs so I told her to come find me if she woke up and no one was home. My alarm went off and about two minutes later I heard little footsteps, my door knob being turned, and a little voice saying, "no one's upstairs, can I cuddle you??" It was like the cutest thing ever. So we cuddled for like 3 minutes and then started our day. :)
Kayla's birthday party was here yesterday so there were plenty of preparations to be made. I spent most of the day cleaning and helping my sister get food ready. Once guests started to arrive it was nonstop chatting, cleaning up, and playing with kids. My brother in law, Terry's parents were here and it's always nice to see them. They're so sweet. I was talking with his mom and she told me that Kayla was pretty upset about me leaving for Africa. I looked at her a bit confused because I've been explaining to the girls about Africa for a while now. Apparently last weekend when Kayla was with her grandma and grandpa she told them she was upset that I'm leaving. She doesn't really understand, which makes it that much harder. I know I say this all the time, but I'm not a cryer, however hearing how sad my little buddy is kind of broke my heart. I wish there was a way I could explain it. Last year when I was away I wrote Kayla and Alex letters that I'll give them someday. I only wrote them a couple of times each, but I basically told them about Uganda and why I was doing what I was. I'm planning on doing the same thing again this year, but maybe this time I'll send Kayla a couple of them.
Something that made me feel a little bit better was having Kayla talk on Skype with some friends of mine in Uganda. My old roommate, Jean was having a bunch of the girls from our discipleship group over for a sleepover. She's still in Uganda, so she's been able to disciple the same girls all this time. Anyway at their sleepover they called me on Skype and I got to see and talk to a bunch of beautiful women that I haven't seen in over a year. It was one of the sweetest moments of my whole life. They were begging me to bring my guitar back which has been a debate in my mind for a while now. They decided to sing a few songs to me that I had taught them when I was there. It may sound a little dramatic, but if I'm being totally honest it was as though heaven had opened up and I got a glimpse of eternity. The sound of the girls singing, their beautiful, effortless harmonies and honest hearts, filled my heart with pure joy. The sound of true worshippers singing to the King is awesome. It was such a precious moment and I'm praising the Lord for Skype. After they sang to me and we chatted for a bit they asked me to get my nieces so they could meet them. The girls came in my room and had the pleasure of having my African friends sing happy birthday to Kayla in probably the most energetic version of the song ever sung. Kayla and Alex loved seeing them and getting to talk to them for a minute. It was difficult for my girls to understand the accents, but it was cute to hear them try. It was good for Kayla and Alex to see what it would be like being able to talk to me when I'm there too. I hope it put Kayla at ease a little bit. Last time I wasn't good about Skyping with anyone. I didn't call as often as I could have and I distanced myself unnecessarily. My goal is to not be so wrapped up myself that I let that happen again. I want to encourage you all right now to get a Skype account and a web cam so that we can chat and keep up. Do it!! I really stink at emailing, so it's really going to be the best way to keep in touch.
Then this morning in church was faith promise weekend. Basically it means prayerfully seeking the Lord and asking Him how much He will provide to give to faith promise. Faith promise money goes to support the missionaries and missions that our church supports. I happen to be on that list of missionaries and can I just say that it was beautiful to watch all of the people go forward with their faith promise cards? Seeing so many people say "yes" to Jesus and the Great Commission is awesome. Last year during faith promise I shared my story with the congregation. I explained about my trip to Uganda and my hopes for a return. Now I'm on the horizon of another year thanks to the faithful supporters, like you, who have said "yes". Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! This morning a man preached about being faithful because God is faithful. Trusting the Lord implicitly. He shared stories of foreign missions, and one story in particular struck me. He spoke of 150 Kenyan AIDs orphans and the money raised to build them a home. It was a beautiful story and of course meant to be moving, to show the good that faith promise money does. As I listened to the sermon I was surrounded by teenagers. I always sit with the youth on Sunday mornings, but this morning as I watched them play, chat, and love on each other I was overcome with the sadness of leaving them. Then throughout the course of the morning I had several different youth at different times express their sadness at my departure. Of course, nothing makes me feel more loved than to hear I'm wanted, but nothing makes me more sad these days. Even though I'm ready and excited about being back in Africa, I'm SOOOO incredibly sad to leave. I know I've mentioned this before, but I can't get away from the sadness. The next 2 months are going to be so difficult if every event is full of, "I'm gonna miss you", "don't go!!", "a year is sooooo long!!", and "aw, you're going to miss (insert event)!". I know I'm going to miss those things. I know their lives are going to move on. I know that a year seems long to a teenager. As I try to push the sadness away - because I know that the year will be incredible and I'm SO pumped to be in Africa again- I find myself imploding with emotion.
I am aware that the youth say these things because they love me and they will truly miss me. The Lord has blessed me with this ability to build awesome mentoring relationships/friendships with kids and I know I've had an affect on them. BUT I don't want the next 2 months to be full of sadness. I don't want every event to be the "last time we'll do this with you". I want to have fun and keep ministering. Will you join me in praying for my relationships with the youth, with my friends, and with family? Believe it or not there are people who I've called friend for a long time that are having a hard time with me leaving. I understand the emotion. I'm not belittling it at all. It's just that I've done this before and this is what I will be doing in some capacity for my entire life if I'm living out Jesus' commands. I would love for people to be supportive. Ask me questions about it, be involved in my life by being involved in my ministry. Your lives will continue on just fine without me here and I still want to be a part of them. Just because I'm in Africa doesn't mean I don't want to hear about the things you're doing here in the States. You guys are all so significant to me. I care about every part of your life while I'm in Africa even if we don't get to talk every day anymore.
Join me in praying for the youth's hearts and souls. Pray for Africa and the exciting and not-so-exciting things I'll do. Pray for hearts to be changed, the Kingdom to be furthered, and souls won. Pray for those who don't understand how I can leave for a year to help people on the other side of the world when there are people hurting right here in Illinois. Pray for health and safety. Pray for each other, for my friends and family.
Please understand that even though I feel a sadness at being physically separated, I'm nothing if not thrilled to go again. I don't want anyone to misunderstand this sadness for regret because that is not the case. I think it's ok for me to be sad, and it's ok for you to be sad, but let's not allow it to dictate the next couple of months. :) Much love!
Kayla's birthday party was here yesterday so there were plenty of preparations to be made. I spent most of the day cleaning and helping my sister get food ready. Once guests started to arrive it was nonstop chatting, cleaning up, and playing with kids. My brother in law, Terry's parents were here and it's always nice to see them. They're so sweet. I was talking with his mom and she told me that Kayla was pretty upset about me leaving for Africa. I looked at her a bit confused because I've been explaining to the girls about Africa for a while now. Apparently last weekend when Kayla was with her grandma and grandpa she told them she was upset that I'm leaving. She doesn't really understand, which makes it that much harder. I know I say this all the time, but I'm not a cryer, however hearing how sad my little buddy is kind of broke my heart. I wish there was a way I could explain it. Last year when I was away I wrote Kayla and Alex letters that I'll give them someday. I only wrote them a couple of times each, but I basically told them about Uganda and why I was doing what I was. I'm planning on doing the same thing again this year, but maybe this time I'll send Kayla a couple of them.
Something that made me feel a little bit better was having Kayla talk on Skype with some friends of mine in Uganda. My old roommate, Jean was having a bunch of the girls from our discipleship group over for a sleepover. She's still in Uganda, so she's been able to disciple the same girls all this time. Anyway at their sleepover they called me on Skype and I got to see and talk to a bunch of beautiful women that I haven't seen in over a year. It was one of the sweetest moments of my whole life. They were begging me to bring my guitar back which has been a debate in my mind for a while now. They decided to sing a few songs to me that I had taught them when I was there. It may sound a little dramatic, but if I'm being totally honest it was as though heaven had opened up and I got a glimpse of eternity. The sound of the girls singing, their beautiful, effortless harmonies and honest hearts, filled my heart with pure joy. The sound of true worshippers singing to the King is awesome. It was such a precious moment and I'm praising the Lord for Skype. After they sang to me and we chatted for a bit they asked me to get my nieces so they could meet them. The girls came in my room and had the pleasure of having my African friends sing happy birthday to Kayla in probably the most energetic version of the song ever sung. Kayla and Alex loved seeing them and getting to talk to them for a minute. It was difficult for my girls to understand the accents, but it was cute to hear them try. It was good for Kayla and Alex to see what it would be like being able to talk to me when I'm there too. I hope it put Kayla at ease a little bit. Last time I wasn't good about Skyping with anyone. I didn't call as often as I could have and I distanced myself unnecessarily. My goal is to not be so wrapped up myself that I let that happen again. I want to encourage you all right now to get a Skype account and a web cam so that we can chat and keep up. Do it!! I really stink at emailing, so it's really going to be the best way to keep in touch.
Then this morning in church was faith promise weekend. Basically it means prayerfully seeking the Lord and asking Him how much He will provide to give to faith promise. Faith promise money goes to support the missionaries and missions that our church supports. I happen to be on that list of missionaries and can I just say that it was beautiful to watch all of the people go forward with their faith promise cards? Seeing so many people say "yes" to Jesus and the Great Commission is awesome. Last year during faith promise I shared my story with the congregation. I explained about my trip to Uganda and my hopes for a return. Now I'm on the horizon of another year thanks to the faithful supporters, like you, who have said "yes". Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! This morning a man preached about being faithful because God is faithful. Trusting the Lord implicitly. He shared stories of foreign missions, and one story in particular struck me. He spoke of 150 Kenyan AIDs orphans and the money raised to build them a home. It was a beautiful story and of course meant to be moving, to show the good that faith promise money does. As I listened to the sermon I was surrounded by teenagers. I always sit with the youth on Sunday mornings, but this morning as I watched them play, chat, and love on each other I was overcome with the sadness of leaving them. Then throughout the course of the morning I had several different youth at different times express their sadness at my departure. Of course, nothing makes me feel more loved than to hear I'm wanted, but nothing makes me more sad these days. Even though I'm ready and excited about being back in Africa, I'm SOOOO incredibly sad to leave. I know I've mentioned this before, but I can't get away from the sadness. The next 2 months are going to be so difficult if every event is full of, "I'm gonna miss you", "don't go!!", "a year is sooooo long!!", and "aw, you're going to miss (insert event)!". I know I'm going to miss those things. I know their lives are going to move on. I know that a year seems long to a teenager. As I try to push the sadness away - because I know that the year will be incredible and I'm SO pumped to be in Africa again- I find myself imploding with emotion.
I am aware that the youth say these things because they love me and they will truly miss me. The Lord has blessed me with this ability to build awesome mentoring relationships/friendships with kids and I know I've had an affect on them. BUT I don't want the next 2 months to be full of sadness. I don't want every event to be the "last time we'll do this with you". I want to have fun and keep ministering. Will you join me in praying for my relationships with the youth, with my friends, and with family? Believe it or not there are people who I've called friend for a long time that are having a hard time with me leaving. I understand the emotion. I'm not belittling it at all. It's just that I've done this before and this is what I will be doing in some capacity for my entire life if I'm living out Jesus' commands. I would love for people to be supportive. Ask me questions about it, be involved in my life by being involved in my ministry. Your lives will continue on just fine without me here and I still want to be a part of them. Just because I'm in Africa doesn't mean I don't want to hear about the things you're doing here in the States. You guys are all so significant to me. I care about every part of your life while I'm in Africa even if we don't get to talk every day anymore.
Join me in praying for the youth's hearts and souls. Pray for Africa and the exciting and not-so-exciting things I'll do. Pray for hearts to be changed, the Kingdom to be furthered, and souls won. Pray for those who don't understand how I can leave for a year to help people on the other side of the world when there are people hurting right here in Illinois. Pray for health and safety. Pray for each other, for my friends and family.
Please understand that even though I feel a sadness at being physically separated, I'm nothing if not thrilled to go again. I don't want anyone to misunderstand this sadness for regret because that is not the case. I think it's ok for me to be sad, and it's ok for you to be sad, but let's not allow it to dictate the next couple of months. :) Much love!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Official Date and Prayer Requests
After quite a few months of uncertainty I have an official departure date. I will be boarding a plane January 19th to head back to Uganda! I have a quick 4 hour layover in London (no time to explore like last time), and then I head to Uganda. From the time I take off from Chicago to the time I land in Entebbe, UG, I will only have been traveling for like 20 hours or so... not too bad. Hopefully there will be time to shower in the Heathrow Airport again though. Needless to say, it feels good to have a set date. The tickets are bought and now I can sit back and wait to leave... well sort of.
Leading up to my departure, my schedule is booked out. This month is full of trips to Indy, birthdays, holidays, etc. Next month I'm sure I'll be heading to Indy a few times to spend time with and say goodbye to the kids there. Then Christmas, my birthday, and New Years will keep me busy, along with college kids being home on break and my high school bff being in town. I leave for a quick trip to Lakeland, Florida from January 6-10 to visit my bff, Stacy and hopefully meet her new baby girl if she's born by then. I come back from that and leave to go on the high school winter retreat with my church Jan 14-16, and then a few days later I leave the country.
When I see it all written out like that it seems a bit insane. Honestly though, my love language is time spent so for me it's really important to see people and spend time with them, even if that means driving/flying everywhere to be with people I love. Plus as you all know I get bored when I'm not busy so this will help the time to pass.
Of course I'm filled with mixed emotions and the thought of leaving all of you guys makes me sad, but I know that I'm ready for the year ahead of me and there's a lot to look forward to there. Plus, life goes on here and before you know I'll be back and ready to rock... and by rock I mean start grad school. :)
On a completely different note, it's only Tuesday and this week has been filled with sadness. I found out yesterday that my second cousin passed away. He was a really cool guy, always so sweet. My grandpa used to be bff with him, so he was around a lot. He'll be missed. On top of that, my roommate from Uganda, Jean emailed yesterday to tell me that Obeti, the little boy who used to live on my compound in Uganda died. He was maybe 4 years old at most. He was the son of our guard, only spoke Swahili (and maybe some french as they were Congolese), and was a really sweet little guy. He was always excited to help out, opening and closing the gate for us and we came and left, greeting us, playing happily on the small compound. It makes me sad to think that he spend a lot of his short little life inside the walls of a compound, no other kids to play with, no toys, and very little food.
If I was sitting out on the couch playing guitar he would make his way and sit on our stoop and play with a stick or something and just listen. Even though there was very little verbal communication between us, I knew that he cared about Jean and I. The cause of his death is unknown because autopsies don't occur, but there is suspicion that he was poisoned by a neighbor. Can you imagine? I know it's hard to understand, but this is not completely uncommon. His family had already lost another boy, so now it's just the mother, father, and a little girl. Please pray for the family. Pray for Congo and for peace in that war-torn nation. Every day hundreds are dying or being taken into war as slaves. Pray for Jean, myself, and others affected by Obeti's life.
Beyond those deaths, one of my best friends is experiencing the slow loss of his grandma and dealing with the emotions of a family in mourning. Then a friend of the family just lost two people very close to him too. It seems like death is surrounding us on all sides these days. Thankfully the Lord is victorious over death!! Death has lost it's power! Hallelujah!!
Thanks again to all of you who have supported me in prayer over the last few years as the ministry here and overseas has been moving forward. God is so good. I appreciate you all! Be checking back for updates as plans to depart move forward. Much love!
Leading up to my departure, my schedule is booked out. This month is full of trips to Indy, birthdays, holidays, etc. Next month I'm sure I'll be heading to Indy a few times to spend time with and say goodbye to the kids there. Then Christmas, my birthday, and New Years will keep me busy, along with college kids being home on break and my high school bff being in town. I leave for a quick trip to Lakeland, Florida from January 6-10 to visit my bff, Stacy and hopefully meet her new baby girl if she's born by then. I come back from that and leave to go on the high school winter retreat with my church Jan 14-16, and then a few days later I leave the country.
When I see it all written out like that it seems a bit insane. Honestly though, my love language is time spent so for me it's really important to see people and spend time with them, even if that means driving/flying everywhere to be with people I love. Plus as you all know I get bored when I'm not busy so this will help the time to pass.
Of course I'm filled with mixed emotions and the thought of leaving all of you guys makes me sad, but I know that I'm ready for the year ahead of me and there's a lot to look forward to there. Plus, life goes on here and before you know I'll be back and ready to rock... and by rock I mean start grad school. :)
On a completely different note, it's only Tuesday and this week has been filled with sadness. I found out yesterday that my second cousin passed away. He was a really cool guy, always so sweet. My grandpa used to be bff with him, so he was around a lot. He'll be missed. On top of that, my roommate from Uganda, Jean emailed yesterday to tell me that Obeti, the little boy who used to live on my compound in Uganda died. He was maybe 4 years old at most. He was the son of our guard, only spoke Swahili (and maybe some french as they were Congolese), and was a really sweet little guy. He was always excited to help out, opening and closing the gate for us and we came and left, greeting us, playing happily on the small compound. It makes me sad to think that he spend a lot of his short little life inside the walls of a compound, no other kids to play with, no toys, and very little food.
If I was sitting out on the couch playing guitar he would make his way and sit on our stoop and play with a stick or something and just listen. Even though there was very little verbal communication between us, I knew that he cared about Jean and I. The cause of his death is unknown because autopsies don't occur, but there is suspicion that he was poisoned by a neighbor. Can you imagine? I know it's hard to understand, but this is not completely uncommon. His family had already lost another boy, so now it's just the mother, father, and a little girl. Please pray for the family. Pray for Congo and for peace in that war-torn nation. Every day hundreds are dying or being taken into war as slaves. Pray for Jean, myself, and others affected by Obeti's life.
Beyond those deaths, one of my best friends is experiencing the slow loss of his grandma and dealing with the emotions of a family in mourning. Then a friend of the family just lost two people very close to him too. It seems like death is surrounding us on all sides these days. Thankfully the Lord is victorious over death!! Death has lost it's power! Hallelujah!!
Thanks again to all of you who have supported me in prayer over the last few years as the ministry here and overseas has been moving forward. God is so good. I appreciate you all! Be checking back for updates as plans to depart move forward. Much love!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My First Marriage Proposal!
The never-before told story, but first some other stuff...
On Monday I found myself up at 4am, if you recall. Yesterday I woke up at 3:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night, against my better judgement (but exhausted) I took a couple of Benadryl to ensure some sleep. This morning I didn't wake up until 5:45 thanks to the medicine, but I woke up with a tension headache that just won't cease. Not to be a whiner... but I just want to sleep!! I don't have to wake up until 7 everyday and I'd really like to sleep until then. Since I've been awake so much lately my mind has been working overtime. My mom says I'm not sleeping because I have too much on my mind. So I was trying to think through things that might be causing me anxiety. Maybe it's thinking of leaving people I love, but that's not for 2 and a half more months. Maybe it's trying to figure out relationships. Maybe I'm thinking in circles about what I'm supposed to be doing in my ministry here for now. It's possible that I'm anxious due to my physical self. Maybe I just need to cry it out?? But I won't because that's not what I do. I'm really not looking for answers here, I'm just looking for sleep. As exhausted as I've been this week, I've still made it through every single day just fine. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk or while running the embroidery machines, so that a positive thing.
I have however looked exhausted all week. You would think that waking up 4 hours early for work would mean I would take the time to do something to my hair besides pulling it up in a ponytail, and maybe put some makeup on my face so I don't look dead. But no, because I felt tired while getting ready for work the first two mornings I didn't do either of those things. Monday and Tuesday were not my best days. Today I decided to get out of that habit, get dressed, and look presentable. I feel so much better already!
So as I was laying in bed this morning trying to trick myself into falling back to sleep I was thinking about some experiences I had in Uganda. See, I am actually pretty good at thinking through situations and turning them into dreams as I drift off, not allowing my mind to go crazy with other thoughts. One story in particular popped into my mind this morning and it makes me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it with you.
I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, my roommate was in the kitchen cooking something, and I was working on getting some grading done. Like 99% of the days in Uganda the sun was bright and the air was hot. The windows and doors were all swung open, no screens, just a little breeze blowing through the apartment to keep us from sweating profusely. The sounds of the children across the orange dirt path playing with an empty bottle or something similar filled the air. Their laughter always making me giggle and wonder what is so funny.
I could hear the guard of our compound walking around, sweeping, hanging out. As our guard, Joseph worked 24/7 to make sure our compound was a safe place. He answered when someone would come to the gate and then using hand gestures explain to us or our neighbors who was there and let us decide if we were ok with them coming in the compound. We trusted him to ensure our safety when we were at home. And he did, for the most part...
Until one day he came to our door to tell me that there was someone outside the gate asking for me. Me? Most people I know would text me when they were coming and I would meet them and let them in myself. It was strange to not know who might be calling. So I put my grading down, found some flip flops and ducked through the small door on our gate.
Before I go on I have to say that it is not advised advertise to people where you live due to safety. If the wrong person finds out, it doesn't usually end well, meaning a possible robbery. It's not as though you can't trust anyone, though. It's just you have to be smart. There were plenty of people I trusted and they knew where I lived. Moving on...
To my surprise, a guy from a church I had been attending was standing there, eyes bright, smiling. I must have looked shocked because he began apologizing rather quickly for just showing up unannounced. After some cordial greetings I politely asked him why he was there. Now, I knew in the back of my mind that this was coming. He had been asking around for my number and trying to get info from other people. Apparently when my guard was out on an errand he somehow mentioned where I lived, and I can only assume it was because my suitor was asking around.
So there I was, standing outside my compound with a man that I had repeatedly declined to date, not sure what to say. So I asked him how he knew where I lived. He explained that my guard had offered up the information freely. (I immediately made a mental note to speak with the guy in charge of our guards.) He then went on to tell me he was disappointed that we hadn't been spending time together, that he tried to get me to go out with him, and he was hurt because now even other people had asked him to back off. He simply wanted a minute alone with me to tell me how he felt. Without any encouragement from me, he went on to confess that he loved me and thought that we could have a really good life together. He explained that he was getting ready to go home for the holidays and he had to tell me how he felt before he left. I was invited to join him and meet his family. He noticed the purity ring on my left ring finger and looked saddened. He then asked if I was already married, but living without my husband. My mind was racing, trying to think of a way to gently tell him that I wasn't interested. I told him no, that I wasn't married. So then he straight up asked me if I would marry him. As I stood there, frozen I thought how can I be compassionate and not break his heart? The last thing I wanted to do was to lead him on and let him think that there might be a chance. (I simply wasn't interested and we had only really spoken a few times in church when I was surrounded by others.) So I told him that my heart was with someone back in the States and I couldn't think about being with anyone else. I hoped that in the truth of that statement he would understand that that meant I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He said he understood and just wanted me to remember that he loved me. I told him I appreciated his honesty and wished him well on his holiday.
As I climbed back through the gate feeling sad for him and angry at my guard, my roommate was on the front porch, questions written all over her face. I explained everything that happened, we talked with the mission about our guard giving up our info, and that was that.
It's so interesting to me... I can recall every detail from that moment. I can remember the smells hanging in the air. I can visualize the kids playing in the yard across the way, hear the people chatting as they passed by. What we did the rest of the day, who knows? Probably went out to dinner, hung with some MKs. Maybe we went to the pool or something. I do know that this moment stands out to me because of the feeling behind it. He "knew" that he loved me, he made himself vulnerable, and he went for it. I could use that kind of courage sometimes.
I could also use some sleep... and less crazy dreams. Psalm 127:2 (end of verse 2) says, "for he grants sleep to those He loves." Ok, might be out of context, but I'm praying for sleep tonight!
On Monday I found myself up at 4am, if you recall. Yesterday I woke up at 3:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night, against my better judgement (but exhausted) I took a couple of Benadryl to ensure some sleep. This morning I didn't wake up until 5:45 thanks to the medicine, but I woke up with a tension headache that just won't cease. Not to be a whiner... but I just want to sleep!! I don't have to wake up until 7 everyday and I'd really like to sleep until then. Since I've been awake so much lately my mind has been working overtime. My mom says I'm not sleeping because I have too much on my mind. So I was trying to think through things that might be causing me anxiety. Maybe it's thinking of leaving people I love, but that's not for 2 and a half more months. Maybe it's trying to figure out relationships. Maybe I'm thinking in circles about what I'm supposed to be doing in my ministry here for now. It's possible that I'm anxious due to my physical self. Maybe I just need to cry it out?? But I won't because that's not what I do. I'm really not looking for answers here, I'm just looking for sleep. As exhausted as I've been this week, I've still made it through every single day just fine. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk or while running the embroidery machines, so that a positive thing.
I have however looked exhausted all week. You would think that waking up 4 hours early for work would mean I would take the time to do something to my hair besides pulling it up in a ponytail, and maybe put some makeup on my face so I don't look dead. But no, because I felt tired while getting ready for work the first two mornings I didn't do either of those things. Monday and Tuesday were not my best days. Today I decided to get out of that habit, get dressed, and look presentable. I feel so much better already!
So as I was laying in bed this morning trying to trick myself into falling back to sleep I was thinking about some experiences I had in Uganda. See, I am actually pretty good at thinking through situations and turning them into dreams as I drift off, not allowing my mind to go crazy with other thoughts. One story in particular popped into my mind this morning and it makes me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it with you.
I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, my roommate was in the kitchen cooking something, and I was working on getting some grading done. Like 99% of the days in Uganda the sun was bright and the air was hot. The windows and doors were all swung open, no screens, just a little breeze blowing through the apartment to keep us from sweating profusely. The sounds of the children across the orange dirt path playing with an empty bottle or something similar filled the air. Their laughter always making me giggle and wonder what is so funny.
I could hear the guard of our compound walking around, sweeping, hanging out. As our guard, Joseph worked 24/7 to make sure our compound was a safe place. He answered when someone would come to the gate and then using hand gestures explain to us or our neighbors who was there and let us decide if we were ok with them coming in the compound. We trusted him to ensure our safety when we were at home. And he did, for the most part...
Until one day he came to our door to tell me that there was someone outside the gate asking for me. Me? Most people I know would text me when they were coming and I would meet them and let them in myself. It was strange to not know who might be calling. So I put my grading down, found some flip flops and ducked through the small door on our gate.
Before I go on I have to say that it is not advised advertise to people where you live due to safety. If the wrong person finds out, it doesn't usually end well, meaning a possible robbery. It's not as though you can't trust anyone, though. It's just you have to be smart. There were plenty of people I trusted and they knew where I lived. Moving on...
To my surprise, a guy from a church I had been attending was standing there, eyes bright, smiling. I must have looked shocked because he began apologizing rather quickly for just showing up unannounced. After some cordial greetings I politely asked him why he was there. Now, I knew in the back of my mind that this was coming. He had been asking around for my number and trying to get info from other people. Apparently when my guard was out on an errand he somehow mentioned where I lived, and I can only assume it was because my suitor was asking around.
So there I was, standing outside my compound with a man that I had repeatedly declined to date, not sure what to say. So I asked him how he knew where I lived. He explained that my guard had offered up the information freely. (I immediately made a mental note to speak with the guy in charge of our guards.) He then went on to tell me he was disappointed that we hadn't been spending time together, that he tried to get me to go out with him, and he was hurt because now even other people had asked him to back off. He simply wanted a minute alone with me to tell me how he felt. Without any encouragement from me, he went on to confess that he loved me and thought that we could have a really good life together. He explained that he was getting ready to go home for the holidays and he had to tell me how he felt before he left. I was invited to join him and meet his family. He noticed the purity ring on my left ring finger and looked saddened. He then asked if I was already married, but living without my husband. My mind was racing, trying to think of a way to gently tell him that I wasn't interested. I told him no, that I wasn't married. So then he straight up asked me if I would marry him. As I stood there, frozen I thought how can I be compassionate and not break his heart? The last thing I wanted to do was to lead him on and let him think that there might be a chance. (I simply wasn't interested and we had only really spoken a few times in church when I was surrounded by others.) So I told him that my heart was with someone back in the States and I couldn't think about being with anyone else. I hoped that in the truth of that statement he would understand that that meant I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He said he understood and just wanted me to remember that he loved me. I told him I appreciated his honesty and wished him well on his holiday.
As I climbed back through the gate feeling sad for him and angry at my guard, my roommate was on the front porch, questions written all over her face. I explained everything that happened, we talked with the mission about our guard giving up our info, and that was that.
It's so interesting to me... I can recall every detail from that moment. I can remember the smells hanging in the air. I can visualize the kids playing in the yard across the way, hear the people chatting as they passed by. What we did the rest of the day, who knows? Probably went out to dinner, hung with some MKs. Maybe we went to the pool or something. I do know that this moment stands out to me because of the feeling behind it. He "knew" that he loved me, he made himself vulnerable, and he went for it. I could use that kind of courage sometimes.
I could also use some sleep... and less crazy dreams. Psalm 127:2 (end of verse 2) says, "for he grants sleep to those He loves." Ok, might be out of context, but I'm praying for sleep tonight!
Monday, October 25, 2010
vivid dreams
I've been awake since 4am for no particular reason. Right before I woke up I was having a very vivid dream about being back in Uganda. Of course I've been thinking about what life will be like when I get back... I've even purchased a few items that I will need to have when I get there. It's becoming so very real to me right now. In my dream this morning I had just arrived in Kampala with two suitcases, but no guitar (which is strange). I then started looking for stuff that I should have had with me, but couldn't find anything that I needed. I was trying to hide my panic from Jean, my roommate as we caught up and talked about all that's been going on since I left last year. It was so exciting to see her, but that underlying panic would not cease. Somehow by the end of the dream I found out that I was just there for a two week visit before I came for the whole year. It was a recon trip of sorts.
Still, when I awoke and finally remembered the dream that same type of panic stayed with me. I started going over stuff in my head that I feel it is important to have with me. I started to think about all of the things I should be doing and even when I tried to push away the anxiety by distracted myself with a dvd, I couldn't find rest. It was completely quiet in the house, peaceful despite the unrest I was feeling. So I found myself before God in the early hours of the morning, a little annoyed that I wasn't sleeping, and even more annoyed at the silly anxiety over something that is still two and a half months away. I honestly don't even remember much of what I talked over with God this morning, but I do know that I found rest in His presence. I should be falling asleep on my desk right now; instead I feel great! I feel refreshed and energized... maybe I'll stop using this staph infection as an excuse and go for a run after work. :)
So anyways, I just sent out my last prayer letter with a prayer magnet before I'm off in January. Hopefully you've received your copy and if you haven't please let me know and I'd be happy to send one. This is a copy of the letter...
Dear Faithful Supporters,
As the date of my departure draws closer, I find myself consumed with thoughts of Africa and the ministries I’m involved in both near and far. A nervous excitement runs through me whenever I think about the many opportunities that are before me. In just a few months I will be back in Uganda, getting reacquainted with life and the culture there, visiting old friends, and rejoicing with new ones.
I would like to invite you to join me in praying for the ministry I’ve been given and for my time away. As my supporters, you all are an extremely important part of the time I spend in Africa ministering to the people there. In fact, it’s because of your support and prayers that I’m able to go.
Matthew 28:18-20 says, “18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
In this passage Jesus is not just suggesting that we go and make disciples of all nations, this is a command. You answered the call into missions when you decided to join my support team. Thank you for being faithful and for saying yes to Jesus.
Here is a list things I would love for you to pray for:
· Health and safety
· Travel (both to and from the U.S. and as I travel to different countries within East Africa)
· Ministry on Buvuma Island with the orphans
· Discipleship ministry at Kampala International University
· Sponsorship programs with Pastors and Youth Pastors/ Africa Gospel Churches
· World Gospel Mission
· Provision of financial support (I am 85% funded!!)
As I go, I am resting in the promises found in John chapter 15. Jesus says, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” This is such an awesome promise to keep close to our hearts as we strive daily to serve the Lord. This is my prayer for you today and always.
Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayers. As always, I encourage you to let me know how I can be praying for you.
Serving Christ with you,
Christina Maddalone
Still, when I awoke and finally remembered the dream that same type of panic stayed with me. I started going over stuff in my head that I feel it is important to have with me. I started to think about all of the things I should be doing and even when I tried to push away the anxiety by distracted myself with a dvd, I couldn't find rest. It was completely quiet in the house, peaceful despite the unrest I was feeling. So I found myself before God in the early hours of the morning, a little annoyed that I wasn't sleeping, and even more annoyed at the silly anxiety over something that is still two and a half months away. I honestly don't even remember much of what I talked over with God this morning, but I do know that I found rest in His presence. I should be falling asleep on my desk right now; instead I feel great! I feel refreshed and energized... maybe I'll stop using this staph infection as an excuse and go for a run after work. :)
So anyways, I just sent out my last prayer letter with a prayer magnet before I'm off in January. Hopefully you've received your copy and if you haven't please let me know and I'd be happy to send one. This is a copy of the letter...
Dear Faithful Supporters,
As the date of my departure draws closer, I find myself consumed with thoughts of Africa and the ministries I’m involved in both near and far. A nervous excitement runs through me whenever I think about the many opportunities that are before me. In just a few months I will be back in Uganda, getting reacquainted with life and the culture there, visiting old friends, and rejoicing with new ones.
I would like to invite you to join me in praying for the ministry I’ve been given and for my time away. As my supporters, you all are an extremely important part of the time I spend in Africa ministering to the people there. In fact, it’s because of your support and prayers that I’m able to go.
Matthew 28:18-20 says, “18Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
In this passage Jesus is not just suggesting that we go and make disciples of all nations, this is a command. You answered the call into missions when you decided to join my support team. Thank you for being faithful and for saying yes to Jesus.
Here is a list things I would love for you to pray for:
· Health and safety
· Travel (both to and from the U.S. and as I travel to different countries within East Africa)
· Ministry on Buvuma Island with the orphans
· Discipleship ministry at Kampala International University
· Sponsorship programs with Pastors and Youth Pastors/ Africa Gospel Churches
· World Gospel Mission
· Provision of financial support (I am 85% funded!!)
As I go, I am resting in the promises found in John chapter 15. Jesus says, “Remain in me, and I will remain in you.” This is such an awesome promise to keep close to our hearts as we strive daily to serve the Lord. This is my prayer for you today and always.
Thank you again for all the love, support, and prayers. As always, I encourage you to let me know how I can be praying for you.
Serving Christ with you,
Christina Maddalone
Monday, October 18, 2010
Memories for the future
As I'm getting closer to my departure date for Uganda I'm finding myself easily distracted by thoughts of goodbyes. This wasn't really something I had time for last time, so it's all rather new to me. There are days when I am so excited at the prospect of being back in Africa that I can hardly contain myself; there are other days when thoughts of who and what I'm leaving behind sneak up on me. There's the occasional thoughts of people moving on without me and of too much change. Most times I can think past those sad thoughts because of one particular memory of my return last year.
I stepped off the plane, anxious to see my friends and family and frustrated that we were all in the same building, but because I was coming from Africa I had more hoops to jump through than most departing the airport. I was ready to jump up and down and give big hugs, not talk about what might be in my bags or guitar case. So as I'm waiting for customs to clear my luggage and I remember thinking about having to wait until morning to see my nieces and how bummed I was to wait another twelve hours to hug them. I left for Uganda when Kayla was 3 and half and Alexandria was merely 15 months, so I was uncertain of how they would receive me. Kayla would talk with me one the phone and skype pretty often, but it was difficult to get Alex to sit still enough to chat. My sister requested that I not wake them up when I get home because I'd be getting home at 11 and they're a pain to put back down. When I got home I simply couldn't wait!! I decided to wake Kayla up, very gently so as not to get her too excited to go back to sleep. She was excited, but completely exhausted and went right back to sleep. I went in Alex's room just to look at her and decided not to wake her because if she didn't recognize me, I didn't want to scare her. So I kissed her and went to bed. Even though I hadn't slept for 36 hours and was emotionally drained, I didn't sleep well that first night. So when Alex woke up, I heard her downstairs playing and just had to go down and see her. I quietly went downstairs and sat on the bottom step. She was in the kitchen with my mom just chatting away. She heard me sit down and turned to look at who else was up at 6:30 in the morning and saw me. Her entire face lit up and she looked at my mom and said, "Nana!! My TT here!!" Then she ran to me and gave me a huge hug. It's one of the sweetest moments of my life. I don't think I can think of another memory when someone was more genuinely excited to see me. I had been so nervous that she wouldn't even remember me and there she was running into my arms. So sweet!!
It's memories like that that assure me that when I leave, even though it's a time of sadness, the rejoicing of the return is sure to come. I'm sad to leave my family. I'm sad to leave my youth kids both here in Naperville and down in Indy. I'm sad to leave my friends and all the new babies that are around. BUT when I get home in a year, life will continue and all will be just fine.
It was on my drive home from Indiana this morning when I was thinking about these things. I went to Indy simply because I had a three day weekend and wanted to be able to relax. And I did. I got plenty of good sleep, got to hang out with Trent, and spend time the awesome peeps at New Hope Pres. All in all, a good weekend. In the 3 days that I was there I think I made the drive to the church at least once each day.
Now, Indianapolis isn't what i think of when I think of pretty autumn colors. (I actually think of places like Michigan, where I was last weekend. So beautiful!) However the drive to and from New Hope is gorgeous this time of year. Unlike here in the Chicago suburbs, there are actually a few rolling hills in Indy. They are beautiful this time of year, splashed with fiery oranges and yellows, vivid reds, and earthy browns. It's really an amazing sight to take in. I love Autumn, but am not a fan of winter (at least not 6 months of winter). This year I only have to endure a couple months of it though. :) Anyways the beauty of the scenic drive with the worship music playing over the radio was incredibly peaceful for me. Life has been crazy busy and I'm always on the go (mainly by choice), but in quiet of my car each day I found rest in the Lord. Then last night we were bored so I went to get a movie and decided to drive the same way, down the same roads even though the night would surely be hiding the beauty of the day. Yet in the bright moonlight I got little glimpses of what the day had already revealed. The colors were muted, not nearly as vivid, yet somehow in the quiet of the night (it wasn't late, but everyone was in watching the ridiculous Indy football team), remembering the beauty of the day, I again found rest and peace on my short drives with God. I just love sweet intimate moments with my Creator and Savior. I'm so thankful today for moments like these. These are just some more of the memories that will carry me through and help me to hang onto the promises of God when I'm 8,000 miles away and missing everything about the Midwest.
I stepped off the plane, anxious to see my friends and family and frustrated that we were all in the same building, but because I was coming from Africa I had more hoops to jump through than most departing the airport. I was ready to jump up and down and give big hugs, not talk about what might be in my bags or guitar case. So as I'm waiting for customs to clear my luggage and I remember thinking about having to wait until morning to see my nieces and how bummed I was to wait another twelve hours to hug them. I left for Uganda when Kayla was 3 and half and Alexandria was merely 15 months, so I was uncertain of how they would receive me. Kayla would talk with me one the phone and skype pretty often, but it was difficult to get Alex to sit still enough to chat. My sister requested that I not wake them up when I get home because I'd be getting home at 11 and they're a pain to put back down. When I got home I simply couldn't wait!! I decided to wake Kayla up, very gently so as not to get her too excited to go back to sleep. She was excited, but completely exhausted and went right back to sleep. I went in Alex's room just to look at her and decided not to wake her because if she didn't recognize me, I didn't want to scare her. So I kissed her and went to bed. Even though I hadn't slept for 36 hours and was emotionally drained, I didn't sleep well that first night. So when Alex woke up, I heard her downstairs playing and just had to go down and see her. I quietly went downstairs and sat on the bottom step. She was in the kitchen with my mom just chatting away. She heard me sit down and turned to look at who else was up at 6:30 in the morning and saw me. Her entire face lit up and she looked at my mom and said, "Nana!! My TT here!!" Then she ran to me and gave me a huge hug. It's one of the sweetest moments of my life. I don't think I can think of another memory when someone was more genuinely excited to see me. I had been so nervous that she wouldn't even remember me and there she was running into my arms. So sweet!!
It's memories like that that assure me that when I leave, even though it's a time of sadness, the rejoicing of the return is sure to come. I'm sad to leave my family. I'm sad to leave my youth kids both here in Naperville and down in Indy. I'm sad to leave my friends and all the new babies that are around. BUT when I get home in a year, life will continue and all will be just fine.
It was on my drive home from Indiana this morning when I was thinking about these things. I went to Indy simply because I had a three day weekend and wanted to be able to relax. And I did. I got plenty of good sleep, got to hang out with Trent, and spend time the awesome peeps at New Hope Pres. All in all, a good weekend. In the 3 days that I was there I think I made the drive to the church at least once each day.
Now, Indianapolis isn't what i think of when I think of pretty autumn colors. (I actually think of places like Michigan, where I was last weekend. So beautiful!) However the drive to and from New Hope is gorgeous this time of year. Unlike here in the Chicago suburbs, there are actually a few rolling hills in Indy. They are beautiful this time of year, splashed with fiery oranges and yellows, vivid reds, and earthy browns. It's really an amazing sight to take in. I love Autumn, but am not a fan of winter (at least not 6 months of winter). This year I only have to endure a couple months of it though. :) Anyways the beauty of the scenic drive with the worship music playing over the radio was incredibly peaceful for me. Life has been crazy busy and I'm always on the go (mainly by choice), but in quiet of my car each day I found rest in the Lord. Then last night we were bored so I went to get a movie and decided to drive the same way, down the same roads even though the night would surely be hiding the beauty of the day. Yet in the bright moonlight I got little glimpses of what the day had already revealed. The colors were muted, not nearly as vivid, yet somehow in the quiet of the night (it wasn't late, but everyone was in watching the ridiculous Indy football team), remembering the beauty of the day, I again found rest and peace on my short drives with God. I just love sweet intimate moments with my Creator and Savior. I'm so thankful today for moments like these. These are just some more of the memories that will carry me through and help me to hang onto the promises of God when I'm 8,000 miles away and missing everything about the Midwest.
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