In the Secret of His Presence

In the excitement and chaos of ministry these days I don't seem to have much time for anything.  In all honesty, I've been eating cereal for days now because I haven't had the time or energy to go get groceries.  Nice and healthy, I know.  There's so much going on that it's overwhelming at times.

But do you want to know what's really exciting?  Getting to spend time with Jesus!  I know... I just got done saying how I don't even have time to buy food and it's true, I don't.  All I want to do is hang out with the King of Kings.  It seems like no matter where I am or what I'm doing, my only desire is to be with Him.  It's a lovely place to be and I'm sure many of you experience the same thing quite often.  

But what's different about it for me right now is that He keeps providing me with these little get-aways.  Little slices of heaven, as I've been calling them.  And I'm trying to hang on to each encounter.  It started with a drive home from the shore last month.  It was youth group beach day, but I had other commitments that required me to be back here by 6pm.  The kids weren't quite ready to leave, so the other adults had just enough spaces for everyone to stay an extra hour and for me to go.  When I got in my car I sensed that God was asking for my full attention.  I spent the next hour or so just talking, singing, and listening to God.  It was so refreshing.  But that wasn't enough.  A few nights later an hour walk in the pouring rain was on the schedule and it was amazingly peaceful... seeing as though I was the only one out in that weather.  

Then last week I experienced defeat like I hadn't in a long while.  My sermon flopped.  It didn't flow well which flustered me and I had already messed up playing piano on a couple of songs.  It was the definition of an "off" day.  I left the sanctuary feeling completely embarrassed and like a failure.  I had prepared it just didn't go over well in my opinion.  I tried to shake it off, but I just couldn't.  The next morning I was scheduled to teach our adult Sunday school class.  I was excited about my lesson, but feeling nervous because of the night before.  The lesson went very well, but I still couldn't get that "failed sermon" out of my mind.  (Yes, I'm very aware that I need to work on that.)  

Sunday night my church was the host of a camp meeting which means our senior pastor was scheduled to preach and our worship team was to lead music.  By the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was exhausted.  (I've heard it said that preaching a sermon is like the equivalent of working a 40 hour week in an hour and I never believed it until I started preaching every week.)  I dragged myself to the camp meeting in a bit of a fowl mood.  I just wanted to go to sleep.  As I walked up to the tabernacle, I started to feel my mood shift... slowly.  I was greeted happily by my friend and his kids and I just couldn't muster up the energy to reciprocate appropriately.  Then we started to run through some songs.  It was then that everything changed.  The Spirit was VERY present and I began to anticipate how awesome the choirs of angels were going to sound as they sang with us.  It was an amazing time of worship, a great sermon, and a new word from the Lord from a familiar scripture.  How great is our God??  

The next day, I was invited to drive up to North Jersey to hang out with my friend and his family.  I went back and forth about whether or not to make the drive, but I'm SO glad I did!  First of all, I love driving, so two hours one way is nothing.  Second, it turned into one of the most relaxing days of my entire summer.  I got to meet family members I had never met and relax by the lake with others I had... a very sweet time of hearing some absolutely amazing stories of a very long life lived and well traveled.  On top of that, I was able to get to know some of the family a bit better... which I love because as you know, building relationships is my thing.  What a blessing.  Not only that, but in the morning I kind of snuck off to sit down by the lake to hang out with Jesus while everyone else was still asleep.  The beauty of His creation was overwhelming and it was lovely to be wrapped up in His arms, surrounded by His presence.  Seriously, it's absolutely gorgeous up there.  

Right??

And to top it all off, his mom is an extremely talented musician so I asked her to play piano for me... which she did (even though she hadn't played for weeks as she had been traveling).  It was lovely and very worshipful.  I was so encouraged too, because she claimed that she hadn't played very well (though I disagree), but that she knew it was for God so it didn't really matter.  (I had been struggling with my lack of ability to play the piano since my "off" day that previous Saturday.)  So grateful for sweet gifts from Jesus at just the right time.

My prayer is that He keeps providing me with these little times away with Him.  He is seeing me through and I'm basking in His presence.  It's an exciting time in ministry and I'm so ready for a set schedule with school and youth group starting back up.  There's much to look forward to with my kids this year and I can't wait to see what God does in their lives (hearts).

Here's a hymn I found this week... In the Secret of His Presence:

In the secret of His presence how my soul delights to hide!

Oh, how precious are the lessons which I learn at Jesus’ side!

Earthly cares can never vex me, neither trials lay me low;

For when Satan comes to tempt me, to the secret place I go,

To the secret place I go.

When my soul is faint and thirsty, ’neath the shadow of His wing

There is cool and pleasant shelter, and a fresh and crystal spring;

And my Savior rests beside me, as we hold communion sweet:

If I tried, I could not utter what He says when thus we meet,

What He says when thus we meet.

Only this I know: I tell Him all my doubts, my griefs and fears;

Oh, how patiently He listens! and my drooping soul He cheers:

Do you think He ne’er reproves me? What a false Friend He would be,

If He never, never told me of the sins which He must see,

Of the sins which He must see.

Would you like to know the sweetness of the secret of the Lord?

Go and hide beneath His shadow: this shall then be your reward;

And whene’er you leave the silence of that happy meeting place,

You must mind and bear the image of the Master in your face,

Of the Master in your face.

Here is a video of some random dude playing/singing it.  Good stuff.

Here's to sneaking off to hang out with Jesus every chance I get! 

 

Unconditional

Decked out in her Sunday best, she sat proudly as he taught his obviously well thought out, very prepared lesson.  At times her rigidity seemed severe, but she was listening intently, nodding and following along as though he was the only one in the room.  Decades of wisdom and experience crossed his lips; though his face was mostly stern, the love of the Lord radiated from him.  She took in the words of truth being uttered.  Love.

Then, as the service began I noticed she sat alone.  Always so put together, she seemed a bit out of place without him by her side.  It wasn't as though she was lost, just uncomfortable.  It was clear that their long life together had made absence, even short lived, seem like an eternity.  Within minutes, he was there beside her and she was at ease.  True love.

And tonight as I left the camp meeting, I found myself walking behind them as they strolled, hand-in-hand along that quiet sidewalk talking and laughing.  Dressed more casually (for them) and obviously relaxed.  He led her along and she followed with joy.  When they got to their car (which was just across from mine, I really wasn't trying to stalk them), he opened her door and waited until she was situated before heading around to the drivers side.  Unconditional love.

It was like a scene out of some old movie.  I doubt that they feel very comfortable in today's culture at all.  They're from a very different generation... a simple, more romantic time even.  Though I'm certain we have very different beliefs and that we would probably disagree on everything except Christ, I couldn't help but be captivated by their love today.  Their's is a love that is completely grounded in Christ.  It's so obvious that from the time of their courtship up to now, he has pointed her to Christ and she has encouraged and supported his faith walk too.  They love Christ in one another.  Jesus is the center, the best part of their relationship.  I'm sure it's not been all roses, but I'm also sure that their foundation hasn't ever been shaken... that they've always remained grounded in Jesus.

So, why am I being such a creep?  Well, that's just who I am.  Accept it.  ;)

But really, God has been speaking to my heart about real, unconditional love.  I believe He showed me their love as an example today and it's been a real joy to observe.  Love without condition.  Love no matter what life throws at you.  Love all parts of every person, especially their imperfections.  Love when it costs you everything and even when it causes you deep pain.  This is the love that Christ has for me.  This is the love I desire from a husband.  This is the love that I am to be spreading with every breath I take.

Oh Lord, refine me.  Fill me up.  Pour out of me.  Amen.

A Sleeping Giant

I'm sitting in the peace and quiet of the sanctuary at church.  No one else is in the building (other than my dog) and I love that it's just me and Jesus right now.  Since getting back from the mission trip, I've hardly had time to process because this is the in-between week... next week we have VBS.  Summer has been anything but slow, but I like it.

As I sit here and peer out over the empty pews, I think about how just a couple of years ago, this place was foreign to me.  It wasn't comfortable.  You know when you go to a new place, even a hotel on vacation, and you think how strange it feels?  Like last week on the mission trip... the church we stayed in was beautiful, but it was huge.  The first few times we traveled from our sleeping area down to the fellowship hall, I felt lost.  It felt unnatural.  But by the end of the week, thanks in part to my inability to sleep leading to some exploration, I found it simple to navigate.  It became comfortable.

This sanctuary is comfortable for me now.  I love to be in here.  I love to sit at the foot of the cross or on the floor under the alter.  I love to sit at the piano and mess around, playing through hymns and worship songs.  I love to bring my guitar over and have jam sessions, singing at the top of my lungs.  This is a place of comfort.  I expect to meet with God when I'm in this room, not that He's not present all day, er'day, but here is different.

I think about the amazing things I saw last week.  Over and over again I expressed to the kids how the mission trip is the peak of my year because I get to be with them, serving, without having to plan anything that particular week.  It's a time when everything is planned, the Bible lessons and worship are done by the mission organization and I get to just be with my kids.  I cherish it.  It's completely exhausting, but I love it.  We served with a few different ministries throughout the week and we got to spend a good amount of time in Raleigh learning it's history and culture and exploring a bit.  What a blessed time with my group.

One of my my favorite parts of the week was our church group time.  Every night each church group there met individually and had time just with their own people.  It's my fave because I love hearing how my kids are doing and processing the week.  I love singing and worshipping just in our group.  I love praying for them.  I love how much they love each other.  I love getting a feel for where my kids are at spiritually.  It's such a vital time and really helps me connect with them.

I have to say... they did an amazing job.  They all worked really hard and connected with the people we worked with AND they did it without any complaining.  I am thoroughly impressed with them.  They were joyful.  They were strong even when they were exhausted.  They all got along.  The best part for me to see was that they were hungry for Jesus.  They really wanted to know more about Him.  They experienced Him in new ways and I think many of them came to love Him even more.  They asked really good questions and were very open and honest with both me and one another.  During morning devos, they thought through our discussions, didn't just give Sunday school answers.

My absolute favorite part of the whole week was when they said they wanted to know more about the Holy Spirit and His role.  Um, yeah we can talk about that!  It happened to be the last night at about 11:30pm when that was brought up, so we agreed that we'd have that convo in the cars on the way home thanks to our walkie-talkies!  So we did.  In two separate vehicle, driving down the highway, we talked about the Holy Spirit.  Praise the Lord for kids who ask questions!  How cool are they, seriously though??  I have to say, I was quite nervous that I wouldn't be able to answer well or that they wouldn't understand... and truthfully, I didn't know everything, but the Holy Spirit was present and His words were louder than my own.

I watched a group of kids in tight quarters, in an unfamiliar city, come together and serve.  They understand the Great Commission a little more.  They know that being a believer means being a person of action, ready and willing to carry out the Gospel... even if that looks like cleaning a toilet.  Amazing, right?

I saw a beautiful picture of Christ's Church in my group last week.  They came together and just did it.  They were Jesus to people who don't encounter Jesus every day.  They loved when it was hard to love.  Tears stream down my face as I type this because I am so excited for these kids.  I'm so excited to see how else God will use them and how else they will walk in obedience and say "yes."

It has me thinking about the state of the Church in the U.S..  It's been my opinion for years now that the North American Church is a sleeping giant.  It's here, but for the most part it doesn't act or look like the Church I read about it the book of Acts.  I see pews full of people, but I don't see the amount of fruit you'd expect to see from such numbers of pew-sitters.  I see people who come to church to be served, but who don't do much serving of their own.  I see lots of people who attend church, but not as many people who's lives reflect their time at church.  I hear lots of complaining that things aren't the way people want them, but see unwillingness to make changes.  I hear the Word preached, but I don't always see a response to the call to action (the Word being lived out).  I see a church desperate for resources and volunteers, but a lot of averted eyes when the plea is placed.  I hear lots of talk about love and grace, but don't see them extended unless it's convenient or being given to someone who looks and believes the same.  I see a world crumbling down, but watch the news and see that politics and the latest diet trend are more important than the starving, sick, and homeless.  I see sin being ignored and lots of double lives being lived.

What's the answer?  Jesus.  If we are walking in complete obedience to Him, always saying yes, even to the hard stuff, then we are being sanctified, being made more like Him.  If that were happening, I believe the Church would look different.  We would know Christ, really know Him.  We would hear His voice so clearly.  People wouldn't be content to sit in their pews and talk about their relationship with God... they would have to get up and move... it would show, they wouldn't have to talk about it.  They would have to be an action people.  They would say no to sin and stop making excuses for it... they would strive to live like Christ.  To let go of their stuff and trust God to be enough for them.  He's more than enough.

I saw more of this this past week on the mission trip than I've seen in a long time.  No, my kids aren't perfect and yes, they will continue to be crazy teenagers, but for a week, they got a taste of the real Church.  What it's like to be a part of the body of Christ that isn't asleep or sick.  And it's beautiful.

I so long to see revival.  To see the Church wake up, get healthy, and move forward.  Please, Lord Jesus!  I long to see my brothers and sisters (and me) say only "yes" to God.  To set themselves aside.  To proudly live for Christ... which looks like humility, service, and LOVE.  I long to see a people tired of making excuses and keeping one foot out the door.  I long to see Christ's bride, looking lovely and fighting hard for her bridegroom.  I long to journey through this life partnered with a man who is walking in obedience to God... ready to serve, ready to love, ready to be Jesus to the least of these with a life dedicated to Christ.

Come Lord Jesus.  Free us from ourselves and our selfish desires and tendencies.  Give us the courage to walk in obedience and love.  Give us your heart and your eyes.  Let us look beyond these 4 walls.  Amen.

Breathe

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It's natural and comfortable... at least I hope so.  Being around my friends who've served in Uganda is always just like breathing.  I can't describe it well, but it's a relief.  (It probably seems like I'm in some sort of perpetual state of discomfort or something the way I say that, but I'm not.)  It really is like a breath of fresh air.  It's exciting.  They don't get sick of talking about Uganda and they understand exactly what I'm talking about.  They have clear mental pictures and can hear the sounds.  They know the smells.  They know the smiles.  They understand the frustrations that pop up in daily life.  They've been burned by the equatorial sun.  They've been to the markets and eaten the food.  It's a shared experience... it makes sense, right?

This past weekend my first Uganda roomie, Jean, my friend Jodi, and I drove down to Atlanta to celebrate the marriage of some very dear friends.  The groom, Francis, was the first Ugandan I got to know quite well.  He was a colleague at the international... our beloved music teacher.  We've been friends and partners in ministry for 6 years now.  The bride, Missy, was my roommate for a few months during my second year in Uganda and she's been a very a dear friend and encourager in my life.

Jean and I were asked to participate in the ceremony, so we arrived at the church Friday afternoon.  They had just started the rehearsal so we grabbed some seats in the back of the church.  It was such a weird feeling.  I had hung out with Missy in the States a few different times over the years, but Francis had never been here prior to this month.  Sitting there, I was beyond anxious to run up and hug them both.  I've been saying for two and half years now that I want to go back... if only to visit, but I've not had the opportunity.  To see Missy and Francis in the States brought a little bit of Uganda to me.  Memories rushed back.  Things fell right back into place.  They brought love and greetings from my dear loved ones.  They brought tears of joy.  They brought the joy of the Lord.

After the ceremony, at the reception, we had lots of time to catch up with dear friends... ones we've served with, but haven't seen in years.  I was very honored to have Francis ask me to give a speech representing him and the Ugandan community.  What a privilege to share with people just a little bit of my love for the Lord, for the couple, and for Uganda.  It was a very special time.  And to top it all off... we all stayed until the reception was over.  We helped clean up and as things were wrapping up Francis, in true Francis fashion, took my guitar out and we had a jam session.  My heart was exploding with joy.  It's just what we always did in Uganda.  Francis always has a guitar (or some other instrument) in his hand.  We're all always singing.  It felt so natural and right.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Trust Jesus.

Rehersal Dinner!

Getting ready for the ceremony

Practicing before the ceremony

With the Bride and Groom

Hanging with the Bourne's 

After wedding jam session

Roomie selfie

Chamuka-ing with Francisco :)

Suited Up

I've sat down to write many times in the last two months, (some ideas were great, others not so much) but for some reason, I've not been able to get anything out.  My energies have been exhausted.  Much has happened, but I don't feel the need to go on and on about it right now.  Shocking?  I think so.  I'm not entirely sure what brings me back tonight, aside from missing writing.  I was really good at journaling up through about college, but that went out the window a long time ago.

Much of my blogging through the years has been for me, though the updates were usually at the request of those keeping up with my ministry (sorry I've not kept you updated, but it will comes eventually).  I say it's been for me because since I've not journaled consistently, I've used this to record things that God has told me.

Maybe God is bringing me back tonight.  As is a common theme in my life, I've been desperately missing Uganda for the past few weeks.  I miss every single thing about it, even things that frustrated me there.  My passport is expired and my bank account is far from being in the black, so a trip anytime soon seems HIGHLY unlikely.  Just the passport being expired is enough to make me want to cry.  So since I've been daydreaming of walking the orange dirt roads so much, God has been sustaining me with His presence.  When my longings to be on the mission field over-take me, He reminds me that He is enough and that I am where He is asking me to be.

Being on the mission field is what God has commanded all of us to do.  There's no disputing that.  For some, that looks like pastoring a local church.  To others it looks like moving 9,000 miles from home.  For some it means going to work and being Jesus to co-workers just by how they live their lives.  Spreading the gospel is obedience, no matter where or how.  One is not greater than the other.

Something that God has been reminding me and showing me is that South Jersey is my mission field.  It is no easy mission field for me.  Yeah I'm in America, but not the America I've always known.  It's not easy because it's America.  If I'm being honest, it's actually quite difficult in our too-much-stuff, always busy, selfish culture.  Priorities are tricky.

So as I've been thinking of South Jersey as a mission field, I've noticed that my expectations are skewed because of my time in Africa.  In America, we've moved away from a community culture.  We don't build community outside of our family units very well.  I've experienced this since coming here, as I'm sure I would experience all over this country of ours.  My experiences prior to this were so different because I was home and then I was in Uganda where there is a very strong sense of community.  It's tricky to come into a culture that's so set.

It's also tricky to have experienced a culture where people's decisions to follow Christ may cost them their families or even their lives, yet they do follow Him.  It's amazing.  Here, our lives aren't in jeopardy, but our way of life is... that is, we are not as easily persuaded to give up our sin.

(I realize that these are generalities and not every person lives this way or struggles with the same things.)

The mission field is where I live and I need to keep remembering that.  There's a constant battle for souls going on.  I need to stay suited up and smelling like Jesus. (Ephesians 6:10-18, 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 )

Living Above the Clouds Again

It seems like the seasons have remembered their roles.  Fall was beautiful and vibrant; the weather stayed decent longer than I expected it would.  Winter really lived up to it's name and maybe even overcompensated a bit.  It was beautiful at times, yet it became draining.  Living under constant cloud cover is exhausting.  Spring has awakened the earth and has already brought many days of rain with many more to come, this week included.  With all of the days of rain ahead and Spring doing it's job- bringing the earth back to life- we will be clouded again, temporarily separated from the sun.

We go through seasons in our lives too.  Maybe our moods/attitudes shift with the earth as it journeys around the sun.  The other day as I was reflecting on some seasons in my own life, I found that there have been times when I've lived like I'll never see the sun again.  Maybe you have too.  Many do.  The truth is, the sun has NEVER ceased to shine... not once since the beginning of time.

The Lord gave me the image of a plane's journey during take-off and landing on a dreary, rainy day.  I can picture it clearly because I've been on so many flights like that.  I take the window seat whenever possible.  I love gazing out over creation, even if I've flown that same path many times.  I never want to miss an opportunity to catch a glimpse.  On a rainy day though, there's not much to see at first.  Sitting on the tarmac is gray and gloomy.  When the plane starts moving and the earth starts shrinking, visibility is limited, unlike on clear days when you can see for miles.  Soon the earth is just a memory as the plane is engulfed in the clouds.  There's nothingness.  It's blank.  And then it begins to get lighter.  The plane continues it's ascent, climbing higher and higher.  Finally it bursts through the clouds and there's nothing but blinding light and clear skies.  NOW you can see for miles.  Now you can imagine yourself dancing and spinning on the clouds, free from burden and the weight that's been holding you down.  Life above the clouds is always sunny and bright.  For a time, it's exhilarating.  Breathing is somehow easier up there (though without the plane it would be impossible).

And then, like all planes do, it starts it's decent.  Heading slowly back down towards the clouds isn't so bad at first.  There's still so much to see.  Even once you're back in the clouds, the first minute or so is intriguing.  But as you break through on the other side, back to the gloom and gray, the exhilaration you felt just minutes before fades.  Returning to earth under the cover of the clouds once again can be discouraging.

What would it look like to live above the clouds?  To know that even in the storms and on the ugliest days on earth, the sun is still shining bright?  To let go of fear and insecurity and trust in the God who created it all?  What does that look like for you?

Today, for me, that looks like resting in Exodus 14:14 like I mentioned in my previous post.  "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."

I found this video when I was looking for the lyrics of the song, Called me Higher by All Sons and Daughters.  It fits pretty well with the image that God has given me (minus the clouds) and the song is stunning.  Enjoy.

The Lord Will Fight

Today was different.  Good different... finally.  For the first time in a long time I felt like I could breathe.  Nothing extraordinary took place.  Just peace.  Life has been anything but normal for me these days and I'm ready to get back to some form of normalcy.  It will happen eventually, of this I'm sure.

A fresh promise from God could not have come at a better time.  A friend recently sent me this verse, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still."  Exodus 14:14.  I've been meditating on this verse for nearly a week now.  It hit me like John 15 did so many years ago... stopped me in my tracks.  My plans ceased and God started making some changes.  I've not been too pliable lately, but that must end.  Even in the stillness I'm being called to, I must be willing to move and bend.  God is fighting for me... and it's a good thing because I'm tired.  He doesn't grow tired of fighting for me.  He doesn't grow tired at all.  Knowing that is such sweet relief to my weary soul.

In this passage from Exodus, the Israelites had just witnessed the first Passover.  They saw the miracles of God first hand and yet at the first sign of trouble, they panicked.  I'm much like the Israelites in that way... miracle after miracle and clear word after clear word, and I still panic.  But the Egyptian army was closing in on them and they had reached a dead end.  The Red Sea.  Had God not already promised to save them?  Indeed.  But they panicked nonetheless.  After they are all clear and to the other side, when the Lord destroys the entire Egyptian army, it is then that the Israelites fear and trust Him.

Oh Lord, may I not be as wishy-washy as the Israelites.  I know that Your promises are true and that You are trustworthy.  Let me not forget that You will fight and I need only be still.