In the Prayer Room...

Last Wednesday I cancelled worship team practice because most of the kids weren't able to come, but I still managed to get to WSUMC an hour early for the Thanksgiving Eve service. So instead of hanging out with whoever I could find around the church I decided to wander into the prayer room.
With big comfy couches and chairs, a kiddie table for drawing/coloring, and other seats sporadically placed throughout the room, I found myself sitting on the floor at the foot of the cross. This solemn yet victorious symbol of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior stood very tall and powerful before me. I sat in silence for a while and allowed my mind to roll over all of the people and situations that I could remember to bring before the Lord. At the foot of the cross I didn't feel the need to be vocal. I love silent communication with God sometimes. Other times I get in my car, buckle my seatbelt, the passenger seatbelt, and have not-so-silent conversations with God. In any case Jesus knows my worries before I think them, before I speak them, before I even realize them. That's been a huge comfort to me over the past week...
Most people who know me well know that I'm NOT a very emotional person in the sense that I don't cry. I don't like drama and I don't like being dramatic about things (though being a girl sometimes takes over and I fail at that). This isn't to say that I'm unfeeling and cold or anything because I'd like to think that I'm pretty warm and loving. All that to say that I have this tendency to internalize things meaning that I try to deal with stuff on my own, in my own head and heart. (Although of course I have awesome friends I can count on to let me vent sometimes.)
So because of this, I go through seasons of trials. I let stuff build and build and build within my heart and mind and then it becomes too much and I concave in on myself. So I've decided to work on being better at bringing stuff to the foot of the cross. One of the main things I learned from being away last year was that I needed to be COMPLETELY dependent on God, trusting in Him, casting my cares on Him. It's so easy with cell phones and the internet to turn to people more often than I turn to God. It's so easy and tangible to call my BFF when I need to vent or even laugh. Shouldn't it be so much easier to turn to God first though?? I mean the lines of communication NEVER fail. You don't lose service, the website never fails to load, and the battery doesn't die. The line to God is always on and ready to be utilized. There's so much comfort in that and resting before the cross was a reminder of how open that line of communication is. Internalizing things may not always be the best thing and seeking the counsel of Godly women (and men) is a great idea, but the best idea is to come to the foot of the cross.
Then, today after church I found myself back in that same prayer room... really looking forward to hanging out with Jesus. This time I chose to sit in the big, comfy leather chair and kick my feet up on the ottoman. Saturday had been a very challenging day in a couple different ways and I wanted to go over some stuff with the Big Guy. Sunday mornings aren't real conducive to alone time in the prayer room considering that people are signed up to be in there to pray with you if you want. It just so happened that there was a guy in there that was a few years younger than me when we were in the youth group, so we got to chatting and before I knew it I only had a short time to spend in the Word and in prayer before my meeting. At first I was disappointed, not because I didn't enjoy the conversation with an old buddy, but because I had wanted this to be MY time to just sit alone with God. However in the little time that I did have by myself Jesus hinted to me the importance of really seeking out other Godly men and women to help you steer through life. Jesus had a group that he really depended on, but He depended completely on His Father. It's so awesome to have the friends that I have, I mean I'm truly blessed... like beyond belief. I love having people in all walks of life to turn to for counsel and advice. Today I felt like God was really encouraging me to seek out a mentor and someone I can look to for unbiased, outside advice. Someone who I love and trust, but not someone in my immediate group of friends. These kind of relationships are SO important to have!! I have a meeting this Wednesday with a woman I really admire and I simply cannot wait to see how God uses our relationship and interactions to advise me in my other relationships and such. How wise is the advice of older peeps? I'm looking forward to someone who will really challenge me to walk nearer to the Lord, will challenge me in my relationships to make sure they are Godly, and will challenge me to be a Godly woman, supportive and loving.
I totally encourage you to do the same. This isn't just girly stuff though. Guys... find a guy, or a few guys to challenge you, to teach you how to be a man of the Lord and a leader. Ask them how to "man-up" and seek their advice in your ministry and work, in your friendships, in your relationships. Seek to be the kind of men God wants you to be. It's biblical and it's important!
On a totally different note... my birfday is in ONE month and a day!! Chamuka (get excited)!!! I'm gonna be 27ish... at least I'm not 28ish... ;) Also, I'm really excited because I've recently starting writing some songs again and it's been really therapeutic. I can't believe I've waited this long to get back into it, but I'm loving it!

Quality and Quantity

I'm home. For now. Time and time again I find myself in my car (or in A car since mine is unreliable) on my way to somewhere other than here. A couple weeks ago I wrote about needing to look forward to things, so I'm in the habit of creating things to look forward to. Usually by the time these events I've created are over, I'm already plotting my next move. I just got back from a weekend of fun... including driving to Michigan for the midnight premiere of New Moon (awesome!!!), driving to Indy for a birthday/slumber party at which we saw New Moon (still awesome!!!), spending time with awesome women from New Hope Pres, paintballing with 42-ish kids, shopping, youth Sunday and NHPC, and finally an awesome youth group (including line dancing!). After a long weekend away, once I got home on Monday and starting unpacking I realized that I was already ready for something new and exciting. So now what do I have to look forward to?? I think the next big thing is Christmas, my birthday, and New Years. If you've known me for any length of time you know that I LOVE my birthday and I love hanging out with fun people on my birthday. I don't know if I look forward to anything else as much as my b-day (although I do love Easter and the week leading up to it.) I'm hoping to see as many people as possible this Christmas/b-day season because I think I'll be out of the States for the next b-day or two. What about after that though? There's gotta be something!! So I've already booked my "spring break: I gotta get away from this cold!!" trip to Florida for April.
I was asked yesterday, "aren't you tired of driving and traveling all the time?" My immediate answer was YES! Perhaps if I would have gotten more than 4 hours of sleep before driving for 3.5 hours my answer would have been different. Now that I've thought about it my answer is definitely no. If any of you has taken the DISC personality test/survey thing you know what I mean when I say that I'm an IS. Basically this means I'm an extrovert, I feed off of other people and am reenergized by spending time with lots of people, I love spontaneity, and I'm a bit disorganized at times (easily distracted, as you know from reading my entries.). While this is true, I definitely value my quiet times, maybe not alone, but not with lots of people. Even though I love large group settings and hanging out I'm finding more and more that I appreciate less hectic times too. I don't know if I'll ever get tired of driving. I know I won't ever get tired of being with my friends. I love building relationships and maintaining them. It's part of what God has called me to do. :)
There are some friendships that I've had for so long that it doesn't take much to maintain them at all. I love those friendships because no matter how busy I let myself get, I don't have to worry about the state of those friendships. If I don't call for a few weeks it doesn't jeopardize the friendship at all. I'm so grateful for that kind of friendship because it really allows me to build new ones that require more maintenance and thus, more time.
So today I was challenged by something a friend sent me. "Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain." 1 Corinthians 15:58. Paul is a repetitive guy, but he sure knows how to encourage. This verse wasn't really presented to me as a challenge at all, actually it was meant as an encouragement. It became a challenge as I thought about the friendships that I don't have to maintain often simply because of laziness. God has called me specifically to love others and serve them and I really tend to take advantage of how easy it is for me to build new relationships, often neglecting the older ones. Reading this and praying on it for a bit brought me to the conclusion that I need to work harder. I need to love deeper. I need to uplift all of my relationships more. Quality and quantity... these words work against each other for the most part. God is teaching me how to make them work together through trust and faith in Him.

Though rejected... He loves

It's 11:30pm and I should definitely be attempting to sleep right now because I'm completely exhausted, but I can't... not yet. I went to church tonight for an awesome show... basically a bunch of different bands played and it ended with So Elated, my friend John and Ben's band. I hadn't yet seen John since I've been home from Africa and it was really sweet to have time to get reacquainted with one of my favorite people from high school.
Anyways... I gotta get to the point fast tonight. As I was driving home I was brought back to a time when rejection hurt more than I thought I could ever bear. When you're in high school and you're in love with someone and they're not in love with you, it hurts. When you're in college and you're in love with someone and they're not "in love" with you, it's gut wrenching. When you're an adult and you love someone and they don't love you back, it's devastating. You all know what I mean and I know you've all felt that rejection at some point in your life. It hurts right? It's one of those things where you don't believe it until the other person is in a different relationship, not with you... that's when you start to really give into the fact that you've truly been rejected. We try and try to convince ourselves that something will happen, or we even might try to change ourselves to make something happen. However, most of the time rejection is rejection and it hurts. It doesn't matter how old or young you are or if you're a believer or not... rejection hurts. Sometimes the pain is unbearable, right? I mean, really think about a time when you were rejected and it crushed your spirit. Maybe it isn't love for you, maybe it's rejected from a job. Maybe a group of friends. Maybe your family. Whatever the situation, it is one of the absolute worst feelings in the world. On top of the embarrassment of being rejected, many times you're expected to move on as though whatever you were rejected from didn't matter.
BUT after thinking about all that for a minute I got to thinking about Jesus and how deeply He feels emotion. When we are overcome with a strong emotion it consumes us and is often all that our thoughts can be focused on. Can you imagine being the Creator of the universe, sending Your only Son to die a sinner's death on a cross to save a sinful people, only to be rejected on a daily basis by literally millions of people? Rejected day in and day out, over and over. Do you think He's numb to it by now... like maybe because it happens so much it's not a big deal? Do you think He can brush it off of His shoulder and move on? Can you?? No way!!! The God of the heavens and the earth, the Great I AM, feels emotion on a level that I don't think I'll ever understand. He has walked this earth and He knows more about rejection than anyone I know. In His short time on earth He was rejected by thousands. Now sitting at the right hand of God, He faces rejection by even more.
I just can't imagine that kind of pain and sadness. I try to hide when I've been rejected... I want to be as far away from whatever I've been rejected from. Jesus doesn't run. He continues to stand with arms spread. How amazing is that? How can you not want to get on your knees right now, or raise your hands to the heavens??

How He Loves

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Whoa! how He loves.
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Guardianship Granted!!

I'm SOOOO very excited to let you all know that the Ackers have been granted legal guardianship of Lino!! Thanks to all who have been faithful in praying for this process, for the Ackers, and for Lino. I took this picture last year on Christmas day I think. I can't remember because it was with their camera and I took this from their blog. Please continue to pray for Lino, the Ackers, and their mission, Refuge and Hope International (refugeandhope.org).

This picture below is from a celebration they had at school for Lino's exciting day! The sign reads "it's a (teenage) boy!!" and it's signed by all the kids.

You may want to hunker down...

I'll start with a bit of an update since I've been too distracted to do that lately. Work is changing a bit for me. Working for my parents is awesome because it's a relaxed environment and it's really flexible. Well the girl who was working the machines and actually doing all of the embroidery recently left, therefore I have a new job at the store! She trained me for like 8 days or so and now I'm on the machines everyday. I like learning new stuff and I can't say that I'm passionate about embroidery, but I do like seeing the end result of something I've created. Anyway, that's been keeping me pretty busy. This past weekend I went with Trent, his bro, and some youth to Carter Caves, Kentucky for a little camping and caving.
I left on Thursday to make my way down to Indy. We left for Kentucky on Friday morning and met the others from Ohio there in the evening. It was warm that first night and we had a sweet time around the fire, singing and relaxing. I had the chance to go on a walk with and chat with one of the youth girls one on one for a while that night. It was good. With the tents all set up and our gear inside we went to bed. Within what seemed like a couple of hours the rain started and it didn't stop until after lunch the next day. Needless to say, Saturday was cold and all our stuff was wet! The rain had brought a significant drop in the temperature. Even still, we hiked and explored for most of the afternoon. Saturday after the hike as the sun was going down I realized just how cold we were gonna get. Nothing had dried from the night before because it was cold all day, but still we found ways to stay warm until we ran out of dry wood. Luckily I had brought my long johns with me!! It was another fun night hanging out around the fire with the kids and laughing. Such a joy! I love that kinda stuff. Most of us were pretty sleepy since we didn't sleep much due to the rain, but I was dreading getting into my sleeping bag knowing just how cold the night was going to get. Time seemed to slow (we gained a darn hour of sleep on the coldest night ever!), and sleep didn't come. Cold seeped into every part of me! Travis had even brought me what I called my cocoon, a sleeping bag for freezing conditions and I was still cold! Well we survived the night in our tents (except for the one who shall remain nameless who couldn't handle it anymore and slept in the van). Sunday morning I wanted to have my own little church service, so while most were still sleeping I did a devo, grabbed my ipod and took off on a hike of my own. The sun was shining, but in the forest the warmth wasn't coming through as well as it could have. I was determined to find some warmth in the sun so I hiked up this hill that I found along a random path and after about 35 minutes or so I was standing in the sun on this beautiful hill, gazing out over God's creation, completely in awe of what the Lord does. The sun was SO warm, but standing in the presence of the Son was so much warmer than I could have hoped for after a night in the tundra. The valley was full of the vibrant colors of autumn. Most of you know that I love nature, I love being outside, and I love observing the wonders that God so mysteriously created. On that hill, with my ipod playing Selah ever so quietly in my ears I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the goodness of God. I just wanted to sit and bask in the warmth of the Son forever. I love how God gives us each our own little tastes of heaven sometimes. How sweet is it gonna be to live with Him eternally?? So sweet!
In that time with the Lord tons of thoughts rolled off my tongue and hundreds rattled around in my head. In my time of silence I listened and rested in His presence. I also loved singing at the top of my lungs though I was hoping no one else had left the path like I did. :)
Some of those thoughts followed me home and even as I drove from Indy back to Illinois on Monday morning I was overwhelmed by my time in the woods.
Which kinda leads me to the bulk of this blog entry...
Last time I wrote of not wanting to get stuck easily. But I was thinking about being stuck here (in America) instead of there (in Africa). Those are two very specific places if you ask me. When I think of America I think of living in Chicagoland, when I think of Africa I think of living in Kampala, Uganda, East Africa. Now I'm thinking about being "stuck" anywhere. I love the ability to move. I love being free. I'm so thankful that right now in my life I'm not restricted by outside things. I'm my own person and I make decisions for me and only me. Somehow that's freeing, and yet somehow its a bit depressing. It's freeing because I love being used by God and I will always go where ever He asks... even if it's just down the street and even if it's to some remote village in South America. It's depressing because it seems that I'm the only single person left out of most of my friends, thus I'm always a third, fifth, and ninth wheel. Sometimes I think I wouldn't mind not being as independent. Basically I'm sick of being single, but I'm excited to see who God has for me because I'm pretty sure it's gonna be an adventure. :) I am willing to be in America for as long as God has me here, I'm willing to go to Africa whenever I'm asked, and I can't wait to see what other places He may have in store for me (and eventually us).
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess all of that is to say that I'm SO confused these days and I'm getting real antsy. I've gotta move and be free. This is why I'm almost never home on a weekend. (I think I just discovered where all my money goes... fuel). I like going and doing. If something comes up, heck yes I'll drive 3 or 4 hours to hangout with someone. I need to have something to look forward to. Example: I'm so pumped to be heading out of state for a movie premiere in like 12 days! It gives me something to work towards. When I'm in this state of limbo I tend to go a bit nuts!
I've been ready to get back to Africa since like June 17th, (wait, didn't I get home that day?) ok maybe it was the 18th. Regardless, I thought I'd know some exact details by now and have most of my money raised. I thought I'd have a return date and a new assignment. Since then God has confirmed over and over that I'm supposed to be going back. Now it's just a matter of when.
BUT I've been kinda stressed just in the past week or so because I've learned something new about myself. I fell in love with Africa and it's people in less than a few months. Duh, you already knew that. I've fallen in love with the ministry I'm in now with WSC and even at New Hope in a few shorts months. I could easily fall in love with any place at anytime. How much of my heart can be spread across this vast creation? I love people and I love building relationships. God has given me the ability to relate to people in a way that I don't understand. I find it easy to connect with people quickly and I attribute that to Jesus. I simply love loving people. That's what I want to do.
Why does that stress me out? Well I guess that in thinking through some of that I've been thinking that that somehow belittles my experiences in Africa. Darn, I don't know how to explain it right now. I'm struggling to make sense of this entry, but I'll push on. I want to go everywhere and serve. There are people who are called specifically to one place for their entire lives and that's so awesome. I'm not sure if that's me... yet I'd be fine if it was, but it would take some getting used to I think.
Seriously... listen to this.

"If You Say Go" by Vineyard

If You say go, we will go
If You say wait, we will wait
If You say step out on the water
And they say it can't be done
We'll
fix our eyes on You and we will come

Your ways are higher than our ways
And the plans that You have laid
Are good and true
If You call us to the
fire
You will not withdraw Your hand
We'll gaze into theflames and look for You

Knowing that God has called me back to serve in Uganda again is amazing and I can't wait to go back. I'm super anxious for the details to start working themselves out. As most people are, I'm impatient. I'm praying that as I wait this would be a time of growing and learning so that when I go back I'm ready for things that are presented to me. Maybe in this time here I'm learning something amazing to bring with me when I go (where ever I go)! I've used this verse plenty lately, but I keep coming back to it... "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14
Amen to that.
For those who don't get my email updates, please be praying for Lino. This Tuesday the decision of the judge will be read and we'll know if Jade and Shelah are granted legal guardianship. This is their last opportunity and it's a huge deal. Please, please be praying for the judge to be compassionate and for her to really consider all aspects of Lino's life when making her decision. Pray for Lino and the Ackers and the weight that this decision has on their lives and their relationship. Thanks!
I know this was long, thanks for sticking with me and sorting through my crazy thoughts. :)