Saturday, May 9, 2015

Reflections of an Imperfect Perfectionist

Sometimes you cancel plans and decide to stay in.  Best decision I've made all day, let me tell you.  I needed a break.  And I realized I needed a break when I couldn't keep the tears from falling over something silly.  Let me make myself uncomfortably vulnerable and explain...

I play tennis with a dear friend of mine a couple of times a week.  I've played with him for a while now and just recently I've begun to see improvement in my game which is so exciting.  Tennis isn't anything I've ever taken seriously... in fact, I'm sure I've watched tennis and thought, "Come on, even I could do that."  How wrong I've been.  Sure, I've played around once in a great while- the neighborhood I grew up in had courts (though, I'm pretty sure I rollerbladed on those courts more than I played tennis)- but I never really played competitively.  Come to think of it, I've never done anything really competitively other than music and even then, I was the low man on the totem pole.  And that's partially where the tears came from.

I am extremely uncomfortable when I'm not good at something.  I am a perfectionist so I usually just don't do the thing I'm not good at.  Unfortunately, it takes a lot for me to step outside my comfort zone these days with certain things.  Fear of rejection and fear of foolishness, ugh.  It's got to be the right people asking me to do something.  For example, the past winter I was invited to go iceskating.  I said no.  The last time I had gone iceskating, I had to hold onto the wall the entire time for fear of falling and/or making a fool of myself some other way.  So this time, when I was invited the answer was easy.  No.  No way.  Well I eventually agreed to go, but not before making those I was going with agree to no laughing when I had to hold onto the wall the whole time.  Did I get off the wall?  Yes.  Someone took my hand and taught me and I felt comfortable with those I was with.  Am I the best skater ever?  No, but I now know there's at least some potential there.  I don't have to fear it as much now.  It was the same way with skiing.  I had never gone... my family didn't do much other then sledding in the winter. :)  So when I finally got up the courage to go skiing, I went with people I trust completely, with the understanding that I would be on the bunny hill all day.  I'm so not good at letting myself fall down... literally or figuratively.

There are plenty of other non-physical examples too, I'm sure.  In fact, one of the reasons I'm not a music teacher right now is because I was uncomfortable with not being great.  Everyone else in the music ed program at college seemed to have it all together and were very naturally talented.  I had to work really hard for my A's.  When it came time to perform, I wanted to die.  I didn't want to stand up in front of all of those people who were so much more talented (in my eyes) and sing.  I was ashamed that I wasn't as good as them.  I was ashamed that I wasn't as pretty and put together as them.  To be in front of an audience at my level seemed silly.  So I quit.  My perfectionism won again.

So, back to the tennis thing.  When I started getting better at tennis, the crazy, perfectionist, competitive Christina came out.  In my mind, there's no reason I shouldn't be good.  But then when the reasons become glaringly obvious, I shut down.  As is natural to any person with insecurities, when something/someone points out something I struggle with, I can't focus on anything else for a time.

So a couple of things happened all at once the night the tears came.  It was warm and humid.  I sweat.  A LOT.  I've always been really insecure about sweating.  Girls shouldn't sweat as much as I do.  Gross.  It's definitely a gift from my dad- dude sweats constantly.  And when I sweat, my head sweats the most.  I have thin hair (another insecurity).  When thin hair gets wet, you can see scalp.  Again, gross.  So I started to sweat as we got going.  Then my friend graciously took the time to stop, give me pointers, and give me time to practice the proper techniques.  I was so grateful, but all I could think about was how gross I must look.  As soon as the stress of being visibly sweaty hit, I was done.  My mind took off and started running in a million different directions.  I went from having a fun time playing tennis, to panicking about the way I looked which, in turn, caused me to drop like 6 games in a row, which then caused me to get frustrated because I was losing, and why couldn't I just be thin and in shape so I could be less sweaty and better at tennis and not gross looking... and why couldn't I do the thing he just taught me already... and why couldn't I love myself in that moment and see myself like Christ does... don't I trust Him... isn't he enough?

You see the craziness?  In the 5th game I dropped, the tears started.  One good thing about tennis is that your opponent is far enough away not to see the tears when they flow.  I kept myself calm, but the tears silently fell.  So many things had come crashing down as a result of my insecurities.  The devil knows the things that I'm most sensitive about and he's great at bringing them to my attention.  The last 2 games of that 3rd set were lost because I couldn't see through my tears.  How ridiculous is that?  Satan had gotten ahold of my thoughts and he ran with them.  All of my imperfections, those things that eat away at me, were at the front of my mind in those few minutes.  As I walked over to my water bottle, I said a little prayer asking God to overcome those evil thoughts.

When my friend asked if I wanted to keep playing I said 'yes' without hesitation.  In saying yes, I was risking further embarrassment, but I didn't care anymore.  This time, the perfectionist in me wasn't going to quit.  All my life, I've let myself be hindered and ruled by my insecurities.  So many times when I have to work really hard and if I don't see results right away, I quit.  What vicious cycle, right?  My biggest insecurity is my physical appearance.  I've spent more time hating myself and how I look than I care to admit.  And while that's not uncommon amongst women, sadly, it's a reality.  It's one of those things I've tried to fix on and off throughout much of my adult life.  And as soon as I slip up or when I don't see the results I want to see when I want to see them, I quit.  I give up.  What's the point?  Which then triggers thoughts of being alone forever because who is going to love me and so on...

I am an imperfect perfectionist.  I demand the best and yet when I don't quite make it, I shut down.  But Christ is perfect.  I spent a lot of time in prayer this morning telling Him how much I'm disappointed in me.  He doesn't agree.  Christ in me is perfect.  Even on my ugliest most imperfect day, Christ in me is perfect.  That's not always something I remember... (obviously, or I wouldn't have shed any tears the other night), but it's true.  When I am ashamed of myself because of how I look, when I hate myself, when I limit myself in order to protect me, I limit Christ in me.  Just like when I lay down in defeat, I limit Christ in me.

The Holy Spirit reminded me tonight of Peter's vision in the book of Acts, chapter 10.  God said to Peter in his vision, "Do not call something unclean if God has made it clean."  Here God is revealing to Peter that His Word and His Holy Spirit is for both the Jews and Gentiles.  What I call unlovely, God has made lovely.  How dare I?  None of us is good enough... that's the point.  Neither the Jew nor the Gentiles deserved salvation, but it is a free gift given to all.

My insecurities hold me back... just like everyone else's hold them back.  I am an imperfect perfectionist.  I need to stop letting my imperfections bring up insecurities that in turn keep my imperfections imperfect.  Make sense?  Somehow...

Incase you were wondering... we did play another set of tennis that night.  I lost the set 7-5.  I consider that a win.  :)

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