Put Through the Wringer

In the past month and a half I've written well over 80 pages for a number of papers and assignments, along with reading too many books and articles to count... not to mention the hours and hours of lectures I've listened to both online and in class.  Grad school is no joke.  I knew that going in and it's what I wanted, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier.  There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to get it all done and if I'm being honest speed reading has become my best friend again.  I want so badly to grasp and retain the material.  I want to be a good counselor... no, that's a lie.  I want to be the best counselor.  More and more I'm finding my perfectionism to be both a blessing and a curse.  The blessing is that I'm determined, the curse is that anything less than perfect is stressful to me.  On some level I've always been this way and I wish it would manifest itself in other areas of my life that really need work as well.

But all of that isn't even the hard part.  I chose this specific counseling program for a couple of main reasons.  1. It's Biblical.  2. Practical hours are required from the beginning which means I've already been practicing the skills I've been learning.  We practice in lab.  Practicing the skills and theories we learn about in lecture is imperative if we're ever going to be effective practitioners, right?  Makes so much sense but, wow, lab is by far the hardest part of grad school.  

So what could be hard about practicing skills with a smallish group of your peers, especially since you're all on the same level?  First of all, when you're a perfectionist self awareness is sometimes difficult.  What's more difficult though is working through those faults with your lab mates.  Each week during lab we are all required to bring very real life, personal situations to use as examples.  At some point each week we act as both counselor and client... and it's hard.  I love that I'm learning so much about counseling and about myself (and really it all makes practical sense that we would work through some of our own stuff and also become aware of things that clients may bring to us in the future that could be triggers for us), but it's hard.  It's not a group therapy session and there are times when I walk out of lab feeling completely broken and like I've just been left hanging there.  That's how it's designed.  Perhaps that sounds cruel to some.  It did to me at first too.  

Now I understand the method behind the madness, though I don't always like it.  I'm almost always completely exhausted by the time lab is over... which is not good because I have a 3 hour lecture immediately following lab each week.  This past week was one of those weeks.  Something was revealed in me that caused our lab leaders to encourage the lab to "pursue me."  This means I became the "client" though I wasn't really prepared for that.  It was good, but it was hard.  I feel like I'm being put through the wringer... and so do the rest of my lab mates.  It helps to know we're in the same boat, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.  Of course, because of the nature of the work we do in lab, it's all confidential, which is comforting since we're expected to bring real stuff to lab.

Writing here today feels good.  No, I don't have time and yes, I should be doing my 4th paper of the week, studying for my midterm, and putting the finishing touches on a presentation I have this weekend.  But it's nice to sit and mindlessly write for a few minutes.  I would love to say I'm back and committed to blogging again, but that's unlikely.  Honestly, I'm not even going to take the time to edit this for errors.  No time.

So much has gone on since the last time I updated that I can't even begin to catch you up in detail.  I miss my family A LOT.  I miss my sister- my best friend, Stacy and her family.  It's been lonely.  Everyone here has their own stuff and their own friends and family.  Relationships are hard.  Work is good... up and down like most jobs.  Though, I don't like to look at what I do as just a job... I love the ministry God has given me.  I definitely miss preaching regularly.  I still say I have the coolest youth kids around.  

God is moving me forward and He continues to reassure the call He's placed on my life.  I'm so excited to see how all of this plays out.  He's been reminding me lately that my view is limited... His is not.  How awesomely reassuring is that?  I've been immersing myself in His Word and resting in the knowledge that no small detail goes unnoticed.  God is so good and I love Him deeply.