Broken Relationships

This used to be a forum for me to update my family and friends about my life when I lived in Uganda.  Since then, it's been a place where I've continued to update since my move to the east coast, but it's also been a place where I've vented, reflected, and generally just shared my thoughts, for better or for worse.  At this point, I can't even think about updating everything that's happened since I last posted in May.  If we've been in touch or if we're friends on social media, you are relatively up to date on my life.

To be honest, I shouldn't even be on here today.  The second year of grad school is no joke and I've got two exams, a paper, numerous lectures to listen and respond to, and a book I really should be reading.  (Also, the CUBS are in the WORLD SERIES!!! #FlyTheW)  However, I need to stop today, if only for myself, to reflect for a few minutes.  On my hour-long commute home from class this afternoon I feel like I reached a boiling point on something.  In my theological foundations of counseling class we've been talking about the theology of relationships.  It's got me really reflecting on my own relationships both with God and with others in a way that I haven't done in a long time.

It's been no secret in my life that I love relationships.  I love building new relationships and I really love maintaining long-term relationships.  I'm not satisfied with surface-level interactions.  I like to get to the heart of someone and to really know them... and of course, I like to be known too.  Both time and space have a tendency to cause relationships to fade away and then back for a season and then away again, sometimes causing them to remain away.  Not broken though.  Just away.  Even my relationship with God throughout the years has experienced a bit of a back and forth, though thankfully, never away for an extended period of time.  

There are people I have been friends with for nearly 25 years that slip in and out of my life for no other reason than proximity and life itself.  I've somehow learned to be content with that and have even begun to allow myself grace in that area.  When I have a random phone call with a friend that I haven't spoken to for years, I don't hang up and mourn for what once was, instead I rejoice for the few precious moments of genuine connection.  There is something so safe and comforting about old relationships.  I've discovered that it's when I'm not feeling comfortable and/or safe that I seek out these familiar bonds, hence my recent trip to be with my family.  

Notice though, that I did not include broken relationships in the same category as those that ebb and flow.  I'm not in the least bit comfortable with broken relationships.  I never have been.  Letting go is not my strong suit, even if I know in my heart that that's what's best.  A broken relationship feels like a failure to me; like I've wasted my time and been used or that I've done that very same thing to someone else, which I hate.  Even times when I've been deeply wounded by someone, I still have a tendency to want to cling to that person because I am so uncomfortable with the loss, which I realize is quite unhealthy.  In fact, I can count on one, maybe two hands the amount of relationships that I would put in the "broken" category. 

What ends up happening is that I beat myself up for not doing a better job at keeping the broken (or very lopsided) relationship.  I think of all the things I did (or am doing) wrong.  I think of all of the ways that I should have handled myself differently.  I convince myself that if I were a certain way or fulfilled a certain requirement well for that other person, the relationship would not be broken, that I would not have been used up and tossed out.  Again, being a graduate counseling student, I understand the faulty thinking and inaccurate core beliefs and I'm working on changing them, but what remains is that this is how I experience broken relationships.  My core beliefs dictate how I relate to others.  The things I believe about myself, about God, and about the other person are not aligned well.  

Today, I realized some very deep-seated resentment and hurt that I've been harboring towards God because of unmet relational expectations.  I know that some of my pain comes from my own depravity.  Pride, desire, and disobedience get in the way of hearing truth.  I have allowed this brokenness to settle in and I've spent so much time dwelling on it and allowing it to drive wedges deeper still in some places.  I've allowed it to convince me of my worthlessness.  On my loneliest days, it's been unbearable.  On my best days, it's just been a small, nagging voice.  

Today however, was an illuminating day full of both righteous and unrighteous anger, confession, tears, praise and worship, and silence.  Today, I was reminded where my hope is found.  Don't get me wrong, the pain is still there.  I'm still extremely uncomfortable with relational brokenness, though I don't think that will ever change.  We are designed to be in relationship... in deep fellowship with God and with one another.  When that's broken or in the process of breaking, it's uncomfortable and painful.  This is why unavoidable loss, like death, is so painful: it's a broken relationship.  This wasn't in the original plan.  

"There is no greater love than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" John 15:13 (NLT).