Lots of Little Things...

Mom Update: Left wrist is in a hard cast. Right arm and shoulder are still in just a sling because she hasn't had surgery yet. No decision has been made as to whether they are going to try to repair the shoulder or if they are going to do a complete shoulder replacement. There are obviously pros and cons to both of those options. It will be a game time call. Once they cut her open and see the extent of the damage they will make the decision. She will have to stay overnight at the hospital as well, which she is not happy about. She is having surgery next week and I would really appreciate your prayers.

Work has been absolutely insane because we're short a person. Mom has been coming to work, but obviously she can't do anything. I think the added pressure of having someone constantly standing over us doesn't help either. There have been some tense days. We're all doing what we can though and of course it's a good thing that we're so busy. Being busy = getting paid!

This past week was actually really rough for me personally, and without going into any detail as to why, I'd just like to ask for prayer. I appreciate it you guys. On top of that stuff, my car has decided that it needs a ton of maintenance right now including brake calipers which are essential in making sure that my brakes work, but the $400 it costs to repair it is lacking. No brakes means no car, which means no way of getting to work, which means no paycheck to pay for the stuff that needs fixed. Ugh. All that this really means is that I don't get to buy fun Christmas presents for my nieces or get the last few shots that I would like to/need to get before leaving.

On the other hand, I've been finding myself getting more and more excited about Uganda. Through the sadness of leaving there's excitement and anticipation. I had the awesome opportunity to talk with another missionary who I worked with in Uganda last time... she is home right now on furlough. She is an incredible encouragement and got me super excited about what's ahead.

I've been studying the life and ministry of Paul and the church in Acts. The Lord has been encouraging me to keep moving forward despite obstacles in my way, which has been huge because it seems like there are plenty of obstacles. I did the Beth Moore study, To Live Is Christ a couple of years ago and I've been going back through it because I love Paul and I love the beauty and simplicity of the early church. The absolute power of the Holy Spirit is incredible and awe-inspiring. Reading about the faith of the new believers, including Paul himself is so encouraging. As I prepare to leave, it's fun to read through other's missionary experiences, especially when it's coming straight from the Word of God. On top of reading about Paul and his ministry, I find myself re-reading the Christmas story and revelling in the creativity and genius of God. I do not love the frigid weather, but I do love this time of year, no matter how busy it gets.

The other night I was upstairs and I walked past Alexandria's room. She was supposed to be sleeping, instead I hear her little voice whisper, "TT??(This is what they call me because it sounds like Auntie)" So I went in her room to kiss her good night and she asks, "can I cuddle you in your bed?" It was so freakin cute, but I told her she had to ask her parents since she was supposed to be sleeping. She said, "can you tell them for me?" So of course I went downstairs and asked my sister if that was ok. She laughed and said that it was fine, but I had to be the one to put her back in her own bed and make her go to sleep. So I went back up, carried her downstairs to my room and we cuddled for like 10 minutes. She was so tired and it was so stinking cute. She was looking around my room and looking at the pictures on my wall and she asked me about a few that I have up from Africa. She then proceeded to ask me if I will still see her when I leave and then she told me that she was going to miss me. It was one of the sweetest moments ever. :) Here's a pic from that night.

Thoughts on dating and a prayer request

First of all, I have a prayer request for you all. My mom slipped on some ice on Wednesday morning. She broke her left wrist, broke her right arm, and possibly shattered her left shoulder. She goes tomorrow for some more X-rays and an MRI I believe. She's obviously in a good amount of pain and on top of the pain is the inconvenience of not being able to use either arms. She can't feed herself, she can't drink, she can't use the restroom or shower without assistance. Work is out of the question, at least for the time being. Schedules are being altered, plans cancelled and/or changed. It's been humbling for us all, really. I'm praising God this morning for southwest airlines and their help in the situation. Most of you know, but my dad goes and stays at our house in Arizona during the winter months because of his health, but we were able to switch his Christmas flight to today at no cost. It was a huge help. Now he can be here to help with her since my sister and I will be running the business for a while. I would really appreciate your prayers. Thanks be to God for a Thanksgiving where we got to eat good food as a family, all in one state. :) Amazing.

On a completely different note I have been doing some thinking recently... uh oh, right? Well I went out with a friend from high school with whom I've recently reconnected, thanks to the wonderful world of Facebook. He and I weren't best friends, but out of my circle of friends I probably knew him best. Anyway we met for dinner at a nice restaurant just about a block from my job this past Tuesday night. We chatted for nearly 3 hours over dinner and it was really nice to catch up with an old friend and also break away from my normal schedule. The conversation flowed, it was fairly easy and natural. I enjoyed hearing about the last, almost 10 years of his life, and it was cool to be able to share about my heart for missions and love of ministry. It's always nice to share about stuff currently going on in life with someone who's on the outside looking in... new perspectives are always a good thing. It's also nice to be able to reminisce about good times had and laughs shared.
There was a familiarity in our meeting together. Even though we don't know each other now, it was as though we never skipped a beat. Yet, in the back of my mind I was considering all of the things that I don't really know about him. Not being in each other's lives for 10 years and not really being that close in high school, how much do I really know about him? Not much at all.
Then I got to thinking about how long it takes to really know someone. To be completely comfortable around them and to trust them implicitly. To be able to be 100% yourself, unapologetically. It takes a long time for a relationship like that. Shared experiences and time spent together is the only way to form that kind of a trust. It's hard work. Those kind of relationships are real and honest. As I sat and had dinner with a guy who I knew so little about, I started realizing how un-fun dating is for me. Don't get me wrong, I had fun and it was a great evening. We're not in any way going to start dating now, but just the setting made me think about how I am in dating situations. Meeting new people and dating is not fun. It's awkward and a lot of pressure. Also at almost 28, to meet someone new means having to take the time to learn all of the stuff about them and the last nearly 30 years of their life. That's a lot. And on top of that, how do you really know that nothing is being left out? Not that you have to know every single detail of some one's life, but just think about how much life happens in 28 years. Think through your life and experiences. It seems difficult and yes, I recognize that the reason that people know what they know about me is that we've spent time together, but at this point to meet someone new seems overwhelming. It's always fun to start fresh... that's a huge positive. With someone new you're given the opportunity to share stuff that everyone else has heard or knows and it's fun to be able to do that.
I don't really know what the point of this is at all. I was just bothered by my reaction to being out with someone and the thought that it would be too much work to build a new relationship. I know that a lot of this has to do with my leaving for Africa. Why start something with someone I don't know at all? Doesn't make sense. If we'd known each other for years, then it'd be okay and make some sense. I am all for starting a relationship at some point. My ultimate goal is to get married at some point right? I guess that means awkward dating.
I got to hang out with an awesome girl friend last night and she was talking about how she doesn't want to be in another relationship again unless she's known the person and been friends for a while. It just makes it easier, it's less awkward and more natural. She's been set up on some blind dates and fixed up with random guys and it's not been a fun experience for her. Maybe I'll take that approach.
Maybe I'm just lazy. :)

Just Give Me Jesus!!

Just a heads up... I'm not referring the the book Just Give Me Jesus by Ann Graham Lotz, although I love that book and recommend it! :)

Recently as I've been spending time in the Word the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me loud and clear on my ministry and how I'm to disciple others. I've read through a couple of other books as well, one of them being Radical by David Platt. I highly recommend checking this book out. If you're complacent, burnt out, and/or tired of church politics, Radical is an amazing reminder of living life the way Christ intended us to live. The title really says it all.
Anyway, as I've been studying Acts, the early church, and the life and ministry of Christ I've found myself comparing the way I do ministry to those who were front runners in the early church. They were not apologetic for the Word that they were bringing. They did not dumb things down so as not to offend others. They were out there on the front lines preaching the truth of Jesus Christ to all those they came in contact with. They gave up living a (first century) comfortable life and "went". The Great Commission has been fueling my life recently, as I believe it should be, and I've never wanted to go, baptize, and teach more than I do now. I love this command from Jesus. I love that it's not a suggestion, but clear instructions on discipleship. Often times in the modern church we find ourselves swamped with programming, discipleship plans, and events which are all great and should definitely be up and running, however the picture of the early church is lost. What has happened to gathering together in a simple room, not always being the most comfortable place, and studying the Word of God? Why do we have to have the best sounding worship band? Why do people leave a church because they don't like the way a band sounds? What about making a joyful noise to the Lord? Now, being a music lover, I cringe at the thought of out of tune guitars and bad harmonies, but if we're singing to the Lord and our focus is 100% on Him and His glory, then what does it really matter?
What if we didn't even have music or fancy lights? What if we took away the comforts of the church building? Would we be as apt to show up on a Sunday morning if we knew we had to sit on a cold floor to hear the Word of God? Is the Word of God enough on a Sunday morning or do we have to fill time to keep people entertained. Do you have to have some huge experience every week in order to meet with God?
I completely understand that in our culture some of these things are expected and I venture to say almost necessary. Meeting people where they're at is hugely important in ministry. Look at Jesus. Unfortunately that eventually means catering to the wants, not needs of people, and something gets lost in the interim. What gets lost? Jesus.
Jesus' ministry was relational. His disciples, those closest to Him, were privileged to know Him and I mean really know him. The model of ministry that Jesus laid out for us seems so simple. Closely disciple a few, who will in turn disciple a few others, and those others will then be able to disciple others and so on. It's a "pyramid scheme" of sorts. Now, when you think of a pyramid scheme I'm almost certain that it conjures up negative thoughts and feelings. I often think of slimy money making schemes where the person at the top of the pyramid is living the high life and those below are doing all the grunt work. That is not the picture of Jesus' discipleship ministry though. While ministering to thousands, Jesus closely discipled 12. There is evidence of the strong, personal relationships He had with His disciples all over the gospels and the entire new testament. I love the intimate interactions that He had with the disciples. The level of comfort that they all felt with one another was that of family. They relied on each other. Jesus called upon them in emotional times, He called them to pray with Him. He desired to be near them and spend time with them. This is a beautiful picture of the type of relational ministry that I'm talking about. This is sometimes lost in the programming and discipleship planning. The most effective ministries happen when relationships are built. The more you spend time with people and show them the love of Christ, the greater your ministry will be.
I think of my ministry with the youth. I don't do everything right and I'm not perfect, despite what you may think. :) However I do my best to spend time with the youth, build relationships, which in turn builds trust and the ability to teach. There is a fine line between friendship and ministry when it comes to youth, but I believe that youth are most responsive when you love on them. Kids are constantly texting me and asking me to hang out and while some of it is just hang out time, some of it is mentoring/discipling time. I love it. It's so much fun... and so much work. It challenges me everyday to live my life in a way that exemplifies Christ. Youth watch your every move. They know when you mess up and they will generally call you out on things. Since they are watching so closely, the best way to keep up a good discipling relationship is to walk daily with the Lord. They will see it and mimic it to some extent.
I've been frustrated with myself for some time because of my expectations of the church, which is where this all stems from. There have been mornings when I find myself disappointed because we didn't sing my favorite song in worship or something silly like that. What I'm finding more and more is that I personally need to think through my expectations of my church experience. I need to go, meet with God, and not focus on the distractions of the lights and the ambiance.
Thinking about going back to Africa reminds me of church experiences there. People wake up, walk to church sometimes for miles in the best clothes that they can find. The preacher might preach for an hour or two, sometimes more and the people are there, hungry for the word of God. The music is simple, voices raised singing joyfully to the King. Sometimes there are keyboards and sometimes there's a drum, but either way people come to sing for hours to the Prince of Peace, to sit on hard benches or dirt floors under a tin or mud roof in the hot African sun. They come to meet with God. They come to worship and sing praises. They come poor, hungry, and naked to thank God for all He has done for them.
Talk about a picture of the early church! Gathering in the simplest of places to hear the Word of God. No programs. No lights. No comfortable chairs and air conditioning. Just Jesus. Just gathering as the body of Christ, loving each other as we love our God.
I realize that this was kind of disjointed, but my mind is working overtime right now on some of this stuff. Let me know how I can be praying for you. Much love!

Birthday Wish

I know I just posted like 2 days ago, but as I'm sitting here at work avoiding actually working I was thinking about my birthday. Ok no... it's not until December 30th, but those of you who know me well know that my birthday is my favorite day of the year. Not really for any specific reason either. I just love birthdays and love celebrating life I guess. This coming birthday isn't even anything special like a golden birthday or a big number or something. I still have 2 more years until a big birthday. I've decided what I want more than anything... I want to see all of the people I love together at one time. I realize that this is nearly impossible seeing as though not everyone lives within a 50 mile radius of me. Again, time spent is my love language so any time I get to spend with people is a blessing for me. I'm leaving within weeks of my birthday, so it seems like a good time to see everyone before I go. Also, I won't be in the US next year on my b-day. I haven't made any plans yet, but I'm thinking a b-day/going away party would be fun. I also know that not everyone is available because of Christmas and New Years, but let's make it a point to hang out before I leave on January 19th, mmmmk?? :)
The end.

Take Away the Sadness

The past few weeks have flown by in a whirlwind of activity. From a fairly busy weekend in Indy to Kayla's 6th birthday, I've found myself constantly in motion. This past week I played mommy to my nieces for a couple of days as my sister was out of town and my brother in law works crazy hours. Getting two kids ready for school and day care makes you late if you're not used to the routine. We had a good couple of days, but I was tired! Friday morning made it all worth it though. I had explained to Alexandria that she might wake up on Friday and no one would be home upstairs. My room is downstairs so I told her to come find me if she woke up and no one was home. My alarm went off and about two minutes later I heard little footsteps, my door knob being turned, and a little voice saying, "no one's upstairs, can I cuddle you??" It was like the cutest thing ever. So we cuddled for like 3 minutes and then started our day. :)

Kayla's birthday party was here yesterday so there were plenty of preparations to be made. I spent most of the day cleaning and helping my sister get food ready. Once guests started to arrive it was nonstop chatting, cleaning up, and playing with kids. My brother in law, Terry's parents were here and it's always nice to see them. They're so sweet. I was talking with his mom and she told me that Kayla was pretty upset about me leaving for Africa. I looked at her a bit confused because I've been explaining to the girls about Africa for a while now. Apparently last weekend when Kayla was with her grandma and grandpa she told them she was upset that I'm leaving. She doesn't really understand, which makes it that much harder. I know I say this all the time, but I'm not a cryer, however hearing how sad my little buddy is kind of broke my heart. I wish there was a way I could explain it. Last year when I was away I wrote Kayla and Alex letters that I'll give them someday. I only wrote them a couple of times each, but I basically told them about Uganda and why I was doing what I was. I'm planning on doing the same thing again this year, but maybe this time I'll send Kayla a couple of them.

Something that made me feel a little bit better was having Kayla talk on Skype with some friends of mine in Uganda. My old roommate, Jean was having a bunch of the girls from our discipleship group over for a sleepover. She's still in Uganda, so she's been able to disciple the same girls all this time. Anyway at their sleepover they called me on Skype and I got to see and talk to a bunch of beautiful women that I haven't seen in over a year. It was one of the sweetest moments of my whole life. They were begging me to bring my guitar back which has been a debate in my mind for a while now. They decided to sing a few songs to me that I had taught them when I was there. It may sound a little dramatic, but if I'm being totally honest it was as though heaven had opened up and I got a glimpse of eternity. The sound of the girls singing, their beautiful, effortless harmonies and honest hearts, filled my heart with pure joy. The sound of true worshippers singing to the King is awesome. It was such a precious moment and I'm praising the Lord for Skype. After they sang to me and we chatted for a bit they asked me to get my nieces so they could meet them. The girls came in my room and had the pleasure of having my African friends sing happy birthday to Kayla in probably the most energetic version of the song ever sung. Kayla and Alex loved seeing them and getting to talk to them for a minute. It was difficult for my girls to understand the accents, but it was cute to hear them try. It was good for Kayla and Alex to see what it would be like being able to talk to me when I'm there too. I hope it put Kayla at ease a little bit. Last time I wasn't good about Skyping with anyone. I didn't call as often as I could have and I distanced myself unnecessarily. My goal is to not be so wrapped up myself that I let that happen again. I want to encourage you all right now to get a Skype account and a web cam so that we can chat and keep up. Do it!! I really stink at emailing, so it's really going to be the best way to keep in touch.

Then this morning in church was faith promise weekend. Basically it means prayerfully seeking the Lord and asking Him how much He will provide to give to faith promise. Faith promise money goes to support the missionaries and missions that our church supports. I happen to be on that list of missionaries and can I just say that it was beautiful to watch all of the people go forward with their faith promise cards? Seeing so many people say "yes" to Jesus and the Great Commission is awesome. Last year during faith promise I shared my story with the congregation. I explained about my trip to Uganda and my hopes for a return. Now I'm on the horizon of another year thanks to the faithful supporters, like you, who have said "yes". Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!! This morning a man preached about being faithful because God is faithful. Trusting the Lord implicitly. He shared stories of foreign missions, and one story in particular struck me. He spoke of 150 Kenyan AIDs orphans and the money raised to build them a home. It was a beautiful story and of course meant to be moving, to show the good that faith promise money does. As I listened to the sermon I was surrounded by teenagers. I always sit with the youth on Sunday mornings, but this morning as I watched them play, chat, and love on each other I was overcome with the sadness of leaving them. Then throughout the course of the morning I had several different youth at different times express their sadness at my departure. Of course, nothing makes me feel more loved than to hear I'm wanted, but nothing makes me more sad these days. Even though I'm ready and excited about being back in Africa, I'm SOOOO incredibly sad to leave. I know I've mentioned this before, but I can't get away from the sadness. The next 2 months are going to be so difficult if every event is full of, "I'm gonna miss you", "don't go!!", "a year is sooooo long!!", and "aw, you're going to miss (insert event)!". I know I'm going to miss those things. I know their lives are going to move on. I know that a year seems long to a teenager. As I try to push the sadness away - because I know that the year will be incredible and I'm SO pumped to be in Africa again- I find myself imploding with emotion.

I am aware that the youth say these things because they love me and they will truly miss me. The Lord has blessed me with this ability to build awesome mentoring relationships/friendships with kids and I know I've had an affect on them. BUT I don't want the next 2 months to be full of sadness. I don't want every event to be the "last time we'll do this with you". I want to have fun and keep ministering. Will you join me in praying for my relationships with the youth, with my friends, and with family? Believe it or not there are people who I've called friend for a long time that are having a hard time with me leaving. I understand the emotion. I'm not belittling it at all. It's just that I've done this before and this is what I will be doing in some capacity for my entire life if I'm living out Jesus' commands. I would love for people to be supportive. Ask me questions about it, be involved in my life by being involved in my ministry. Your lives will continue on just fine without me here and I still want to be a part of them. Just because I'm in Africa doesn't mean I don't want to hear about the things you're doing here in the States. You guys are all so significant to me. I care about every part of your life while I'm in Africa even if we don't get to talk every day anymore.
Join me in praying for the youth's hearts and souls. Pray for Africa and the exciting and not-so-exciting things I'll do. Pray for hearts to be changed, the Kingdom to be furthered, and souls won. Pray for those who don't understand how I can leave for a year to help people on the other side of the world when there are people hurting right here in Illinois. Pray for health and safety. Pray for each other, for my friends and family.

Please understand that even though I feel a sadness at being physically separated, I'm nothing if not thrilled to go again. I don't want anyone to misunderstand this sadness for regret because that is not the case. I think it's ok for me to be sad, and it's ok for you to be sad, but let's not allow it to dictate the next couple of months. :) Much love!

Official Date and Prayer Requests

After quite a few months of uncertainty I have an official departure date. I will be boarding a plane January 19th to head back to Uganda! I have a quick 4 hour layover in London (no time to explore like last time), and then I head to Uganda. From the time I take off from Chicago to the time I land in Entebbe, UG, I will only have been traveling for like 20 hours or so... not too bad. Hopefully there will be time to shower in the Heathrow Airport again though. Needless to say, it feels good to have a set date. The tickets are bought and now I can sit back and wait to leave... well sort of.
Leading up to my departure, my schedule is booked out. This month is full of trips to Indy, birthdays, holidays, etc. Next month I'm sure I'll be heading to Indy a few times to spend time with and say goodbye to the kids there. Then Christmas, my birthday, and New Years will keep me busy, along with college kids being home on break and my high school bff being in town. I leave for a quick trip to Lakeland, Florida from January 6-10 to visit my bff, Stacy and hopefully meet her new baby girl if she's born by then. I come back from that and leave to go on the high school winter retreat with my church Jan 14-16, and then a few days later I leave the country.
When I see it all written out like that it seems a bit insane. Honestly though, my love language is time spent so for me it's really important to see people and spend time with them, even if that means driving/flying everywhere to be with people I love. Plus as you all know I get bored when I'm not busy so this will help the time to pass.
Of course I'm filled with mixed emotions and the thought of leaving all of you guys makes me sad, but I know that I'm ready for the year ahead of me and there's a lot to look forward to there. Plus, life goes on here and before you know I'll be back and ready to rock... and by rock I mean start grad school. :)

On a completely different note, it's only Tuesday and this week has been filled with sadness. I found out yesterday that my second cousin passed away. He was a really cool guy, always so sweet. My grandpa used to be bff with him, so he was around a lot. He'll be missed. On top of that, my roommate from Uganda, Jean emailed yesterday to tell me that Obeti, the little boy who used to live on my compound in Uganda died. He was maybe 4 years old at most. He was the son of our guard, only spoke Swahili (and maybe some french as they were Congolese), and was a really sweet little guy. He was always excited to help out, opening and closing the gate for us and we came and left, greeting us, playing happily on the small compound. It makes me sad to think that he spend a lot of his short little life inside the walls of a compound, no other kids to play with, no toys, and very little food.
If I was sitting out on the couch playing guitar he would make his way and sit on our stoop and play with a stick or something and just listen. Even though there was very little verbal communication between us, I knew that he cared about Jean and I. The cause of his death is unknown because autopsies don't occur, but there is suspicion that he was poisoned by a neighbor. Can you imagine? I know it's hard to understand, but this is not completely uncommon. His family had already lost another boy, so now it's just the mother, father, and a little girl. Please pray for the family. Pray for Congo and for peace in that war-torn nation. Every day hundreds are dying or being taken into war as slaves. Pray for Jean, myself, and others affected by Obeti's life.
Beyond those deaths, one of my best friends is experiencing the slow loss of his grandma and dealing with the emotions of a family in mourning. Then a friend of the family just lost two people very close to him too. It seems like death is surrounding us on all sides these days. Thankfully the Lord is victorious over death!! Death has lost it's power! Hallelujah!!
Thanks again to all of you who have supported me in prayer over the last few years as the ministry here and overseas has been moving forward. God is so good. I appreciate you all! Be checking back for updates as plans to depart move forward. Much love!

My First Marriage Proposal!

The never-before told story, but first some other stuff...

On Monday I found myself up at 4am, if you recall. Yesterday I woke up at 3:45am and couldn't go back to sleep. Last night, against my better judgement (but exhausted) I took a couple of Benadryl to ensure some sleep. This morning I didn't wake up until 5:45 thanks to the medicine, but I woke up with a tension headache that just won't cease. Not to be a whiner... but I just want to sleep!! I don't have to wake up until 7 everyday and I'd really like to sleep until then. Since I've been awake so much lately my mind has been working overtime. My mom says I'm not sleeping because I have too much on my mind. So I was trying to think through things that might be causing me anxiety. Maybe it's thinking of leaving people I love, but that's not for 2 and a half more months. Maybe it's trying to figure out relationships. Maybe I'm thinking in circles about what I'm supposed to be doing in my ministry here for now. It's possible that I'm anxious due to my physical self. Maybe I just need to cry it out?? But I won't because that's not what I do. I'm really not looking for answers here, I'm just looking for sleep. As exhausted as I've been this week, I've still made it through every single day just fine. I haven't fallen asleep at my desk or while running the embroidery machines, so that a positive thing.
I have however looked exhausted all week. You would think that waking up 4 hours early for work would mean I would take the time to do something to my hair besides pulling it up in a ponytail, and maybe put some makeup on my face so I don't look dead. But no, because I felt tired while getting ready for work the first two mornings I didn't do either of those things. Monday and Tuesday were not my best days. Today I decided to get out of that habit, get dressed, and look presentable. I feel so much better already!

So as I was laying in bed this morning trying to trick myself into falling back to sleep I was thinking about some experiences I had in Uganda. See, I am actually pretty good at thinking through situations and turning them into dreams as I drift off, not allowing my mind to go crazy with other thoughts. One story in particular popped into my mind this morning and it makes me chuckle, so I thought I'd share it with you.

I was sitting on the couch in my apartment, my roommate was in the kitchen cooking something, and I was working on getting some grading done. Like 99% of the days in Uganda the sun was bright and the air was hot. The windows and doors were all swung open, no screens, just a little breeze blowing through the apartment to keep us from sweating profusely. The sounds of the children across the orange dirt path playing with an empty bottle or something similar filled the air. Their laughter always making me giggle and wonder what is so funny.

I could hear the guard of our compound walking around, sweeping, hanging out. As our guard, Joseph worked 24/7 to make sure our compound was a safe place. He answered when someone would come to the gate and then using hand gestures explain to us or our neighbors who was there and let us decide if we were ok with them coming in the compound. We trusted him to ensure our safety when we were at home. And he did, for the most part...
Until one day he came to our door to tell me that there was someone outside the gate asking for me. Me? Most people I know would text me when they were coming and I would meet them and let them in myself. It was strange to not know who might be calling. So I put my grading down, found some flip flops and ducked through the small door on our gate.

Before I go on I have to say that it is not advised advertise to people where you live due to safety. If the wrong person finds out, it doesn't usually end well, meaning a possible robbery. It's not as though you can't trust anyone, though. It's just you have to be smart. There were plenty of people I trusted and they knew where I lived. Moving on...

To my surprise, a guy from a church I had been attending was standing there, eyes bright, smiling. I must have looked shocked because he began apologizing rather quickly for just showing up unannounced. After some cordial greetings I politely asked him why he was there. Now, I knew in the back of my mind that this was coming. He had been asking around for my number and trying to get info from other people. Apparently when my guard was out on an errand he somehow mentioned where I lived, and I can only assume it was because my suitor was asking around.

So there I was, standing outside my compound with a man that I had repeatedly declined to date, not sure what to say. So I asked him how he knew where I lived. He explained that my guard had offered up the information freely. (I immediately made a mental note to speak with the guy in charge of our guards.) He then went on to tell me he was disappointed that we hadn't been spending time together, that he tried to get me to go out with him, and he was hurt because now even other people had asked him to back off. He simply wanted a minute alone with me to tell me how he felt. Without any encouragement from me, he went on to confess that he loved me and thought that we could have a really good life together. He explained that he was getting ready to go home for the holidays and he had to tell me how he felt before he left. I was invited to join him and meet his family. He noticed the purity ring on my left ring finger and looked saddened. He then asked if I was already married, but living without my husband. My mind was racing, trying to think of a way to gently tell him that I wasn't interested. I told him no, that I wasn't married. So then he straight up asked me if I would marry him. As I stood there, frozen I thought how can I be compassionate and not break his heart? The last thing I wanted to do was to lead him on and let him think that there might be a chance. (I simply wasn't interested and we had only really spoken a few times in church when I was surrounded by others.) So I told him that my heart was with someone back in the States and I couldn't think about being with anyone else. I hoped that in the truth of that statement he would understand that that meant I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with him. He said he understood and just wanted me to remember that he loved me. I told him I appreciated his honesty and wished him well on his holiday.

As I climbed back through the gate feeling sad for him and angry at my guard, my roommate was on the front porch, questions written all over her face. I explained everything that happened, we talked with the mission about our guard giving up our info, and that was that.

It's so interesting to me... I can recall every detail from that moment. I can remember the smells hanging in the air. I can visualize the kids playing in the yard across the way, hear the people chatting as they passed by. What we did the rest of the day, who knows? Probably went out to dinner, hung with some MKs. Maybe we went to the pool or something. I do know that this moment stands out to me because of the feeling behind it. He "knew" that he loved me, he made himself vulnerable, and he went for it. I could use that kind of courage sometimes.
I could also use some sleep... and less crazy dreams. Psalm 127:2 (end of verse 2) says, "for he grants sleep to those He loves." Ok, might be out of context, but I'm praying for sleep tonight!