Sleepless thoughts

I didn't sleep much last night, if at all.  That's been happening a lot these days and I'm not too thrilled about it.  I know there's reason behind it, but I can't do anything to change that reason right now so I'm sure it will just continue.  BUT in all of my restlessness I've had lots of time to think and pray.  Here are some very random thoughts from the past few nights:

• I try to fix things for others too much, not enough time is spent dealing with my own stuff
• My niece, Kayla will be 7 years old in two and a half weeks.  I wish she would stop growing up so fast!
• Continuing a dream that you started years ago is trippy... and brings you back.  As this one dream has recently made a reappearance, I realize that it couldn't continue it until I had grown a bit and experienced other things.
• I miss Lino and Angelo more than they will ever know.  This past summer spent with them was full of laughter, love, and adventure.  Probably my favorite people ever.
• My youth kids are amazing and they change me just as much, if not more than I change them.
• Skype is magical!
• Seeing the lasting results of a simple choice is eye-opening and sometimes heartbreaking.
• I have lots of friends and students who need Jesus, am I being Jesus to them everyday?
• I'm sick of having regrets, even about little things.  Spirit, help me be free.
• Grad school is necessary, but very intimidating
• I want so badly to help others that sometimes I over step boundaries
• It's easy for me to let other's choices dictate my choices
• I miss sleep
• My expectations of people have led to lots of let downs... should I change my expectations?
• Africa has completely, 100% changed me and I'm glad.
• For the rest of my life my heart will be split in two... half in America, half in Africa.
• I love wisdom from older women who love the Lord.
• Sudan is broken, it's people are suffering immensely.  I want to do something.
• Sometimes when I try to help, I end up making things worse.
• Up until this year I was not an emotional person at all... things change.  I cry now.  It's weird.
• My mom is the most thoughtful person I've ever known.  I love her.
• I'm a people pleaser, but can't make everyone happy at once.
• It's not easy for me to learn a language.  Swahili is hard for me.
• Worshipping Jesus with no inhibitions is beautiful.
• Having someone really love you and everything about you does not completely take away insecurities.  Kooky.
• Wearing glasses is annoying (and I don't often do it), I can't wait until my contacts are ready!
• My dad is incredibly strong, even now that his physical body is weak and deteriorating.  I love him.
• Alexandria, my youngest niece is the funniest person I know.  I can't wait to hang out with her again!
• I have lots and no matter what I do, I live above the majority.  Uncomfortable.
• Singing and playing guitar are passions of mine... I need to get back into song writing.  It's been too long.
• I'm very much disconnected with life in the States.  It's strange.
• I have been shutting people out, partially because I'm lazy and partially because my heart doesn't want to deal with more relationships.
• My sister and I fight a lot, but we have also laughed a lot together.  It'll be good to be home.
• My brother is finally sober.  My heart is still very burdened for him.  Best friend.
• Most of my friends are married and having children... I'm not sure I fit in there.  Maybe this is why I hang out with my youth kids so much (or maybe it's because they're awesome!)
• God has given me the ability to build relationships very easily... I should stop shutting people out.
• I want to go to Arizona when I get home.  I miss it.
• 1st and 2nd Peter are refreshing.
• Despite my shutting people out, I have a really hard time letting go.  
• I should let my anxieties go.
• Lino makes me laugh more than anyone... he also makes me think.  I love having good conversations with him.  Little brother.
• God, in His silence is trusting me.  He trusts me enough to be silent.  Amazing.
• My hair needs to hurry up and grow.  I'm over short hair.
• Should I go home for Christmas?  Right now the decision depends on other people, should it?  
• Even when life here is tough, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  
• I wish my family would come and experience my life here.  I wish my friends would come too.  It would change their lives.

So this is what I've spent a lot of time thinking through lately.  I'm determined to sleep without taking tylenol pm all the time so until sleep finds me, my mind will be running free.  I say, "Jesus take my anxieties, fears, and worries."  He says, "Remain in Me."

Internet Issues

The Centre of Hope had a week break from classes this week.  It's been strange and I've been missing my students a ton!  I'm so excited to see them all on Tuesday and do Bible study with them on Wednesday.  This week I've spent a lot of time working on a newsletter for one of my projects.  Schools here are on the year-round system, so the year is coming to a close next month.  On of my main projects this year has been a sponsorship program for Kikongo Primary school out on Buvuma Island.  We have about 150 students sponsored right now and we're working on a renewal campaign.  I'm hoping that every single sponsor sticks with their student again for this coming year.

The internet has been terribly unreliable this week, so it's been a bit of a slow process.  It's amazing the things I take for granted.  The last time I was in Uganda the internet was SLOW.  And I mean, SLOW!  It was almost as bad as the old dial-up in the States.  This time it's been fast enough to video skype and even to watch the Super Bowl live.  The difference is amazing.  When I came back I was expecting to need about 20 minutes just to get email and facebook to load... this just hasn't been the case.  Until this week.  I've actually become annoyed with myself and my impatience.

Today, it's taken me about 3 hours to get information gathered when it should have taken about 30 minutes at most.  BUT I've decided to check my attitude.  I cannot tell you all how very grateful I am to have internet at all.  Last time I didn't even have it in my apartment, this time I have it at home and it's almost always great.  I'm thankful to Jesus for the internet and the ability to communicate with you all.  I'm also thankful that I can keep up to date on the news.  It's awesome to wake up in the morning and check CNN for the latest news.  It's easy to feel disconnected from the world... especially since I don't have tv.

Anyways, I've been encouraged this week through my own discouragement.  Doesn't make much sense does it?  Well what I mean is that it's been another really difficult week because of the situation in Sudan and the people I work with, but in spite of the difficulty Jesus has been speaking loud and clear.  There have been moments when I've been completely at a loss with no idea what to do, so I just pray.  Jesus has helped me through this week in huge ways.  Prayer has carried me.

Please, please continue praying for Sudan and the Blue Nile region.  It's terrible... and it's going unnoticed.  People's lives are being lost... lives of the loved ones of those that I love.

This article may help you understand the current situation.  Please read it and please pray.  Thanks!!

Reasons to Smile

I had a really rough day today.  Almost rough enough to make me want to cry... almost. :)  BUT it's 11:30pm and it's almost over.  Despite the difficulty of the day, here are some reasons to smile:

• Jesus is much bigger than all of my anxieties and worries, doubts and fears
• His grace and love are sufficient even when I don't recognize it that way
• I am washed by the blood of the Lamb
• I am my Beloved's and He is mine
• I have a family who loves me no matter what
• Safety on the crazy roads, even when driving my not-so-awesome manual vehicle
• Seeing a breath-taking African sunrise
• I live in Africa
• Prayer/Bible study with my "Africa mom"
• Friends here who have become family (Ackers)... and being comfortable enough to walk into their home and help myself to dinner
• Celebrating Saudi's birthday with everyone
• Living in a country where I'm free to sing praises to my King
• The moon bursting through the clouds to illuminate the world around me on my drive home tonight
• Being loved, really loved, all of me
• Hearing an R. Kelly song on the radio on the way home
• Clean drinking water and food
• Electricity (and an inverter when the electricity goes off for 36 hours at a time)
• Little boys I was babysitting shouting, "Bye Christina!!" as I'm getting in my car
• Seeing Lino and Angelo on Skype
• Looking at a picture of my nieces who I love dearly
• Seeing pictures of my youth kids in America on FB and being proud of the people they are
• Baby goats
• Watching "Far and Away" with Saudi and everyone and thoroughly enjoying reactions to realizations of happenings
• My knee is healing well and starting to feel stronger... hopefully I can be more active in about a week
• "Monkey birds" laughing in the trees
• The beauty of this land
• Feeling at comfortable and at home here
• People speaking Swahili to me and me being able to understand some of it
• Music
• Coke Light aka Diet Coke
• A friend picking some stuff up at the market for me
• Glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling, left by the previous family, reminding me of my childhood

So even though today was incredibly rough for me, I can still smile and say "Thank You, Jesus."  I am blessed.

Church

As I chatted with a friend in America last night, I was asked how church is these days.  So here's my story...

Since arriving back in Uganda about 9 months ago now, I've been a church hopper.  This is very different from the last time I was here because last time I spent much of my time at United Faith Chapel at Kampala International University.  I love that faith community and I love being a part of university ministries.  Something was different for me this time though.  I think many factors have played a role in my hopping. For one thing, the ladies from my discipleship group have all graduated and gone back to Kenya.  I've only been able to see a few of them this year when they've been around on holidays.  My heart misses that sweet group of young ladies.  For another thing, my roommates during this past school year attended a church downtown pastored by a great guy, the father of some of the students at Heritage.  I went there a few times with my roommates and a student from HIS.  Another factor has been working with so many different cultures at the Centre of Hope means visiting churches of my students.  It's really been interesting actually.

So anyways the church I attended the most last time has gone through a change in leadership in the past 5 or 6 months and it's been a bit rough on the community.  The pastor that had been here for years went back to Kenya and was going to be traveling back and forth frequently, but that just hasn't been able to happen.  I think that the people left in charge over here became very overwhelmed with the new responsibilities and commitments.  AND obviously it's always difficult for a church body to go through a time of transition.  It's been a tough season for them and it's been tough for me to see.  On one hand I don't believe we should be so dependent on our head pastors that it's rough when they are reassigned, however I do recognize that we all get very attached to great pastors so accepting the change can be difficult.

Alright, let me tell you about church this morning...

I woke up with just enough time to grab a quick shower, throw my hair up in a ponytail, wrap my knee (in preparation for the 5-story climb to the church's meeting place at the university), grab some bread and peanut butter, and be on my way.  I called my boda driver who is almost always available on Sunday mornings, especially when it is cloudy and cold like this morning.  I hopped on the boda and we cruised on over to the university.  I paid him and started the walk down the hill, onto campus.  The charcoal-grey clouds were looming and very menacing looking.  I mentally prepared myself for a wet boda ride home, thankful that I had remembered to throw a scarf in my bag.

As I approached the parking lot I didn't see any of the other missionary's vehicles and was a bit surprised.  There's usually at least one other family there.  I didn't mind though, it's sometimes fun being the only mzungu around.  I climbed the stairs and when I reached the top (pitifully out of breath) I noticed how few students were actually there.  Then realization hit that this weekend there was a spiritual retreat and most of the students were still gone on that.  So I sat down with the approximately 150 people that were there and settled in for the sermon.  Right after the announcements were finished and the speaker began the message, it began to pour.  I'm not just talking a little drizzle, I mean an all out downpour.  It was so white outside that I couldn't see the next building.  We meet on the top floor of the building so the sound was loud enough to drown out the sound of the speaker.  With my already bad ears, I knew there was no way I would be able to make out a word of what he was saying.

So I pulled out my Bible and began where I left off reading in 1 Peter.  With the noise of the rain and the drone of the amplified voice that I couldn't make out, it was hard to concentrate.  I plugged one ear and began to read aloud the words of Peter.  The first chapter is a call to absolute holy living, to turn completely from your old life and walk forward fresh and new in Christ.  By the time I had read and meditated on those words the rain began to slow and I could start to hear a few words here and there from the speaker.  The first two words I could clearly hear him say were, "be holy."  From there he explored a few different passages, ending with Jesus taking the wrath of God so we don't have to.  All in all, a good message.  I'm thankful for time to read on my own and also for time to hear to Word from the speaker.  

The rain now at a steady, heavy drizzle I had to decide whether to wait it out or move forward.  I decided to call my boda and begin my walk up to the main road to meet him.  With my scarf covering my shoulders and my head bowed, I walked up the hill.  There was a tent to stand under near the road, so I wasn't completely soaked by the time the boda arrived.  The drive home was pretty frigid feeling to me which reminded me that in 3 months I'll be living in a subzero, icy tundra again.  I'm shivering just thinking about it.  So I'm home now, in dry clothes, sitting under my blankets, enjoying the sound of a church still worshipping down the hill.  Some churches go all day and this one just down the hill from me is no exception.  There's a very joyous sound to the beat and it's evident that they are loving praising Jesus this morning.  :)

As for me, if the sun comes out I'll be outside getting some reading done this afternoon, if not I'm satisfied sitting in bed all snuggly and warm.  At some point I have to run to the market because the only food I have is bread and peanut butter... I have to warm up before I can hop on another boda in the rain.  I also have grad school research to do.  I'm still not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing for certain, but I'm definitely leaning towards a Christian counseling degree.  Very practical for my work as a missionary with youth and refugees and with youth ministry in the States.  We'll see.  First I think I have to take the GRE, which I'm dreading.  I've been out of school for far too long.  Prayers welcome.  Happy Sunday! 

My Kryptonite

The evening was off to a rough start.  Our bass player was sick, the keyboardist was unavailable all of a sudden, and I was one of 4 people singing.  Somehow all of the other singers were inhibited by traffic.  It was obvious that satan was working to prevent us from having a good, focused worship evening.

People started trickling in and taking their seats.  The instruments and mics were set and we were ready to go.  After a time of prayer together we took our places as a team and the praise and worship began.  With only one practice under our belts and many song changes, we were essentially winging it.  Thankfully the level of talent on the team is incredible, so I wasn't too worried... for the others.  I, on the other hand have always had to try really hard to just be decent, it's not effortless for me like it is for the others.  

I've been leading worship since I was about 15 or 16.  I've always been pretty comfortable standing in front of people, but I've never been confident in my skill level.  I can lead and sing for about an hour before my voice grows weak due to the nodes on my vocal chords.  At that point my lower range is non-existent and my upper range is in jeopardy of cracking.

As the only girl singing soprano and sometimes the only person carrying the melody, I began to worry about my voice.  Before I could get too distracted and forget why I was standing up there leading for two hours, I began to pray.  After praying and bringing my focus back to Jesus, it was easier and much more peaceful. 

And then it happened.  After one of the songs I opened my eyes to see a giant, black, cricket just feet away from me.  This may seem like it's no big deal to some, but crickets (bugs in general, but crickets are the worst!!) are my kryptonite.  I began to panic.  My heart started racing and I couldn't focus on anything, but getting away from that cricket.  There's no telling when it might come at me.  I began to plot my escape immediately.  If I just shut off my mic and walked off maybe they would just assume I was sick or something.  

I had quite a few options for escape routes, but before I could flee the Spirit reminded me why I was there.  I was reminded that satan didn't want this evening to happen.  He didn't want a crowd of people to come and join us, to stand and worship the King of Kings.  He didn't want Christ to get any glory.  Walking off the "stage" as one of the only, or the only person singing melody just wasn't an option.  So once again I prayed and while I never took my eye off of the thing for too long after that, I was able to stand there and sing.  To lift up my hands and praise my Creator.  One of the next songs we did after that little demon was sent to destroy me was "It is Well."  It was beautiful to be able to stand there with this creeper creature taunting me and proclaim that it was indeed well with my soul. 

The evening ended about 20 minutes later my voice was almost completely gone.  Never once during the two hours did it crack or sound weak.  One of the youth who was at the event (she had been sitting in the front row and is very aware of my affliction to bugs) came up to me to lovingly let me know that the disgusting bug had been literally right next to my shoe at one point, but I never saw it because my eyes were focused on God.  Thankfully... or I definitely would have had to flee!

Worship night with Studio_10 at Heritage is an event that I've yet to miss participating in since I've been in Uganda.  The first worship night we had was in December of 2008.  Since then the studio has grown is both size and popularity.  I'm blessed to be a part of such a talented group of people who accept me as I am.

So that's my silly story this week.  You can laugh if you want to.  I completely understand that my intense fear of bugs is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I'll hold a snake, swim with a shark, or play with a mouse or rat, but bugs make me want to run away screaming and crying.  Don't judge.

Decisions... decisions...

I have just over three months until I get on a plane to head home.  First of all, yikes!  And wow!  This year has flown by.  For the past week I've been seriously thinking about the future and what the next year might possibly look like.  I get easily overwhelmed because there are so many options in front of me.  Would you join me in praying through these options?

One option is to come home, work for 5 months or so and then come right back here independently to continue my work with refugees.  This work has stirred my heart and I've become very passionate about working with refugees... especially youth as I know I'm called to work with youth in some capacity.  I would also start an online program to get my masters degree, probably in counseling.

Another option is to apply to the MD program (check out wgm.org for more info), fundraise and come back in about a year and a half with WGM.

Yet another option is to stay home, work, and start my Masters at an actual school instead of online.  There are many options rights now as far as schools go.  I'm looking at one in Chicago, one in Indiana, and one in Mississippi.  There's one in New Jersey with an amazing youth ministry program, but the cost would be nearly as much as my undergrad at IWU.  Now, with my Masters I also have a lot of things to choose from.  I've been highly recommended to get a Masters of Divinity, though my original plan was a Masters in Youth Ministry.  I've recently been thinking about my work with refugees and a Masters in Counseling, specializing in refugees and PTSD would be incredibly helpful for that work.

In any case I would like to start my Masters within the year.  So I'm trying to figure out if online will work or if I'll need to suck it up and stay home (in America).  Of course some of this is contingent on another person, when/if (and hopefully soon) I get married.

SO, in essence I have lots of questions and lots of decisions to make.  There are things that I want, but I don't know if they're best.  So at this point I'm praying about the next step.  I need to make a decision soon because if I'm coming back to Uganda sooner rather than later I'll need to fundraise and figure out how to come back independently.   If I'm staying in America I'll need to start applying to grad schools/seminaries.

This is what's occupying my mind these days.  I'd appreciate prayer.  My preference for these options change daily.  Tonight, going to IWU and living in Marion is winning... that is, until I think a bit longer and realize that means being out of Africa for at least 3 years.  :(  Oops... back to the drawing board.