Sleepless thoughts

I didn't sleep much last night, if at all.  That's been happening a lot these days and I'm not too thrilled about it.  I know there's reason behind it, but I can't do anything to change that reason right now so I'm sure it will just continue.  BUT in all of my restlessness I've had lots of time to think and pray.  Here are some very random thoughts from the past few nights:

• I try to fix things for others too much, not enough time is spent dealing with my own stuff
• My niece, Kayla will be 7 years old in two and a half weeks.  I wish she would stop growing up so fast!
• Continuing a dream that you started years ago is trippy... and brings you back.  As this one dream has recently made a reappearance, I realize that it couldn't continue it until I had grown a bit and experienced other things.
• I miss Lino and Angelo more than they will ever know.  This past summer spent with them was full of laughter, love, and adventure.  Probably my favorite people ever.
• My youth kids are amazing and they change me just as much, if not more than I change them.
• Skype is magical!
• Seeing the lasting results of a simple choice is eye-opening and sometimes heartbreaking.
• I have lots of friends and students who need Jesus, am I being Jesus to them everyday?
• I'm sick of having regrets, even about little things.  Spirit, help me be free.
• Grad school is necessary, but very intimidating
• I want so badly to help others that sometimes I over step boundaries
• It's easy for me to let other's choices dictate my choices
• I miss sleep
• My expectations of people have led to lots of let downs... should I change my expectations?
• Africa has completely, 100% changed me and I'm glad.
• For the rest of my life my heart will be split in two... half in America, half in Africa.
• I love wisdom from older women who love the Lord.
• Sudan is broken, it's people are suffering immensely.  I want to do something.
• Sometimes when I try to help, I end up making things worse.
• Up until this year I was not an emotional person at all... things change.  I cry now.  It's weird.
• My mom is the most thoughtful person I've ever known.  I love her.
• I'm a people pleaser, but can't make everyone happy at once.
• It's not easy for me to learn a language.  Swahili is hard for me.
• Worshipping Jesus with no inhibitions is beautiful.
• Having someone really love you and everything about you does not completely take away insecurities.  Kooky.
• Wearing glasses is annoying (and I don't often do it), I can't wait until my contacts are ready!
• My dad is incredibly strong, even now that his physical body is weak and deteriorating.  I love him.
• Alexandria, my youngest niece is the funniest person I know.  I can't wait to hang out with her again!
• I have lots and no matter what I do, I live above the majority.  Uncomfortable.
• Singing and playing guitar are passions of mine... I need to get back into song writing.  It's been too long.
• I'm very much disconnected with life in the States.  It's strange.
• I have been shutting people out, partially because I'm lazy and partially because my heart doesn't want to deal with more relationships.
• My sister and I fight a lot, but we have also laughed a lot together.  It'll be good to be home.
• My brother is finally sober.  My heart is still very burdened for him.  Best friend.
• Most of my friends are married and having children... I'm not sure I fit in there.  Maybe this is why I hang out with my youth kids so much (or maybe it's because they're awesome!)
• God has given me the ability to build relationships very easily... I should stop shutting people out.
• I want to go to Arizona when I get home.  I miss it.
• 1st and 2nd Peter are refreshing.
• Despite my shutting people out, I have a really hard time letting go.  
• I should let my anxieties go.
• Lino makes me laugh more than anyone... he also makes me think.  I love having good conversations with him.  Little brother.
• God, in His silence is trusting me.  He trusts me enough to be silent.  Amazing.
• My hair needs to hurry up and grow.  I'm over short hair.
• Should I go home for Christmas?  Right now the decision depends on other people, should it?  
• Even when life here is tough, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  
• I wish my family would come and experience my life here.  I wish my friends would come too.  It would change their lives.

So this is what I've spent a lot of time thinking through lately.  I'm determined to sleep without taking tylenol pm all the time so until sleep finds me, my mind will be running free.  I say, "Jesus take my anxieties, fears, and worries."  He says, "Remain in Me."