Fierce Competition

In April, I started up a volleyball game on Saturday evenings.  It's an open game and it's intended to be outreach.  We have had pretty much the same group of players every week since we started with a few others mixed in here and there.  The nights when we're playing with newbies or people who aren't normally there are a bit different than the nights when it's just the "normal" group.

When it's just us, so to speak, it gets pretty competitive.  At least, it does in my mind.  No one is shy about their frustrations with their teammates on a poorly hit or missed ball, myself included.  

When I was young, I generally did well in sports.  Even in random pick-up games with my brother and his friends... street hockey, basketball, baseball, soccer, football, etc..  We were always doing something.  I only participated in 2 organized sports- gymnastics and soccer.  My sister and I were very good at gymnastics.  Being two and a half years younger than she is, I was always trying to be just like her and live up to her level.  We were very competitive.  I can remember a particularly fierce meet where I did really well on the balance beam and floor exercise, but because my sister was older, she was able to do the uneven bars and made my routines look like nothing.  

Into high school and college, my focus was on all things music.  Sports were a thing of the past and learning guitar and singing was the thing to do.  I took piano lessons for about a year before I got frustrated with my progress and quit.  It was the same thing with guitar... I learned just enough to get by and I found myself surrounded by such talent, that I just settled for "ok" because I didn't have to be great.  Likewise, with singing- I took voice lessons, but hated the recitals because they were filled with other students who were, in my opinion much better than me.  Even in college when I was working on my music major, I became easily discouraged because a) I developed nodes on my vocal chords, thus preventing good practice time and b) it seemed as though everyone around me was a musical genius who didn't have to work hard at anything.

That's been the pattern for me and I don't like it.  I saw this reoccurring pattern last night at volleyball.  Volleyball is something that I've grown to love over the last 5 years.  I started playing in Uganda with an awesome group of friends and family, and my love for it has grown.  I'm not great, but I'm not bad either.  It's something I feel I should be able to excel at, so when I make a bad play I get pretty frustrated.  That frustration is magnified when others are being critical too.  I more critical of myself than those around me are aware of, so it's not fair for me to take their criticisms too personally.  Last night as we were playing, we had one person who had been there once and one who was brand new.  I made it a point to remind myself that we're just there for fun, but my competitive nature overtook me a number of times.  I chose to remain fairly quiet by the end because my words would not have been so edifying.  I'm sure you're aware, but for the most part I'm usually pretty loud, boisterous, and opinionated and it's intensified when I'm playing sports or doing anything competitively.

As I become more active again, I need to work on this fierceness.  It's not a good look to get so easily frustrated and it definitely takes the fun out of things... for me and for those around me.  Not to mention that it speaks loudly about my struggle with pride.  As I thought it through this afternoon, I began reflecting on Jesus' life and ministry.  He walked ever so humbly, though He is the King of Kings.  He encouraged those around Him, always building them up, never knocking them down.

This scripture came to mind as I prayed about my attitude and actions.  Philippians 2:1-11

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    by becoming obedient to death—

        even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

    and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

    to the glory of God the Father."

This is my prayer tonight... "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30

Separation

The rest of my time at home was good.  I spent the entire day with my nieces on Wednesday.  I took them with me to visit my bff, Carley and her two little girls.  We had a picnic in the park and the kids played on the playground for a while.  It is always a major blessing to be with Carley.  She has always been the type to ask tough, yet very real questions.  I appreciate that about her.  Our conversations always lead back to Christ and what He's doing in our lives... something else I really appreciate about her.  When we got home from Carley's it didn't look like the pool was open, so we put our swim suits on anyways and the three of us ran through the sprinkler for a while.  I'm sure the neighbor's think I'm nuts, but I'm ok with that.  After running through the sprinkler, we quickly ate dinner and then had a High School Musical marathon.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy those movies, but I'm totally blown away that they're old enough to want to watch those kind of movies now.  What the heck?!

Thursday, I spent my day in downtown Naperville with my youth kids.  All of them are in college now and have very different work schedules, but I got to see a good number of them.  I love catching up and learning about their lives.  I'm so very proud of all of them... I love seeing how Christ is moving in their lives.  They are all amazing young adults and it's been quite an honor to be a part of their journeys.  I love how much we laugh when we're together.  Old inside jokes, quoting movies, and sharing stories... so great.

I got up at 4:30am on Friday, knowing that I would be stopping in Indy to see my youth kids there, thus putting myself a bit behind schedule considering the time change and that I wanted to be home in time to be somewhere Saturday morning.  A group of 8 or 9 of them met me at a Denny's right off the highway and it was nothing but laughter and joy.  We spent a couple hours visiting and getting pumped for the mission trip.  (My youth group is going to the same site on the same week... I'm pretty excited.)

When I finally got back on the road, I was drained from the week.  Lots of good, some frustration, and some concern came out of my trip.  I can't express how much good it did me to be in Illinois, though.  I loved being surrounded by everything familiar... it was very comforting.  This past Sunday at church someone said to me, "I can tell that was a much needed vacation.  You are just glowing now, vibrant."  I guess I didn't realize how much I missed familiarity until just recently.  When others can see your resolve waning, you know it's time for a break.  For a few weeks leading up to my trip a few different people asked me if I was doing ok and told me that I just did't look like myself.  That was tough to hear, but being on this side of the trip, I can see a difference.

The drive home was uneventful and very long.  I even stopped and got caffeine (even though I gave it up a couple of months ago).  I was excited to get back and see people here, but 14 hours is a long time to drive.  My iPod and shaker egg kept me pretty entertained.  In fact, by the time I got to Jersey I had nearly no voice due to all of the singing.  Shuffle kept playing some really great worship songs and I wanted nothing more than to just sing to my King.  I got home and was pleased at how much I actually missed it here.  I'm so blessed to be here and I absolutely love my friends and my church family.  Not that I had any doubt, but God really knew what He was doing when He brought me here and asked me to be settled.  It's not always been easy, but there's almost nowhere else I'd rather be.

Almost nowhere else.  I want to be in Africa right now.  Today I received word that one of my former students passed away.  It was very unexpected and is completely heartbreaking.  Jana was in my roommate's 1st grade class when we got to Uganda in 2008 to teach at Heritage International School (HIS).  My 6th grade classroom was on the opposite end of campus, but I spent a decent amount of time with her class.  I even had the chance to teach them music.  She had an amazing class that year.  Jana was always a very bright spot.  She was almost always smiling and usually very excited to see me.  I got to know her family pretty well as her dad worked in the cafeteria and her mom was the school nurse.  I can remember those times when I was on duty in the cafeteria and my roommate's class would call me over to hang out with them.  "Miss Christina come sit by us,"they would call.  Somehow I always ended up near Jana and her little friends at the table.  They were so stinkin' cute and always had something silly to say.  

Jana would have been going into grade 6 this year.  I haven't taught at HIS since 2009.  Even when I was in Uganda in 2011, I didn't spend much time at HIS since I was doing other WGM stuff and working at the Center of Hope, but that time away doesn't take away the pain of losing a dear child.  Hearing the story of her passing today reduced me to tears... not because I knew Jana well or was currently in her life, but because for the rest of their lives, her family has to live without her.  As I've mentioned before, death is not something I deal with very well.  What really struck me was the thought of their separation from their daughter, sister, and friend.  We know that Jana is dancing with Jesus today, but that doesn't heal the void here on earth.  Her parents love the Lord and I'm grateful for that.  

I've never been able to grasp how to handle the loss of a child.  I don't have words that can comfort.  There are plenty of reminders of God's strength and comfort in scripture and right now that and prayer is what I can offer the family.

Separation is so painful.  This afternoon, after hearing about Jana, I started to think about how God knows and experiences emotions just like we do... only much more intensely.  It made me think about how painful it must have been to be separated from Jesus while He was on earth.  Not a complete separation, sure, but what about those three days when Jesus had descended?  When He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, He knew He was about to take the wrath of God.   Not only that, He was also going to, in death, experience separation from God.  God knows our pain and has felt it in ways that we can't understand.  

This loss reminded about how absolutely urgent the Good News of Christ is for every single person we encounter.  Every single person has a soul at stake.  Are we using every ounce of energy we have to tell our family, friends, and strangers about what Christ has done?  I want to know that those I love will spend eternity with the King of Kings.  I want to know that I won't be without those I've lost forever.

Jana is not the first student I've lost and let me tell you, it doesn't get easier.  I can only rest in the strength of my Savior tonight and trust that His plan is perfect.  Come Lord Jesus.

No Place Like It

On Thursday I dropped Piper off with my bff, went to worship team practice, out to YoGo, finished packing, and was asleep by 11pm so that I could get up at 4:30am to hit the road to Chicago.  I was on the road by 5:30 and through PA before lunch.  The excitement and anticipation kept me alert as my mind wandered.  Between times of prayer, loud, obnoxious singing, playing my shaker egg, and talking on the phone, the miles just slipped away.  I made it a point to go the southern route so I could see people in Indy, but that didn't work out.  When I got to northern Indiana, I stopped for a few hours to visit a friend I met while serving in Africa, who's wrapping up life here for now and getting ready to move to China.  This was my last opportunity to see him and I'm grateful that it worked, but when I got back on the road I was tired!

By the time I got back to the main highway, my anticipation and excitement were waning.  However, entering into Illinois brought new life and I turned on the AM radio to catch the end of a Cubs win.  What a great way to be welcomed home.  Driving down the highways and toll roads, I felt a sense of ease.  I didn't have to think about where I was going or about checking my gps.  It was all so natural and comfortable.  Even the driving style of those around me was a comfort.  Yes, they were all driving like they were in the race of a lifetime, but it was familiar and I found that I can still keep up.  Most people just know that the left lane is the fast lane and if someone is coming up quickly behind you, you move over and let them through.  About an a half hour into the great race, I saw a car being pulled over with out of state plates and I was quickly reminded that I now have out of state plates and should probably not drive quite as aggressively.  

My nieces didn't know I was coming home, but they weren't home when I got here which gave me time to visit with my parents and siblings, empty my car, and settle in.  When the girls got home they were tired and crabby, but as soon as they saw me their faces lit up like it was Christmas morning and they both ran to me while squealing with joy.  Just their initial reactions made the long drive worth it.  They went to bed and after visiting for a little while longer, my adrenaline ceased, and so did I!  Saturday was spent with just the family which was nice.  I got a lot of stuff done with my mom that I needed to... like go to Sam's club to replenish my supplies for my house.  Thanks Mom!  

We had a pretty quiet Father's day.  I slept in, meandered around for a while, then went to the pool for a few hours before coming home to grill some yummy steaks with the family.  It was a typical holiday here.  A lot of laziness.  That's actually something that I'm not used to anymore.  I found myself anxious to be doing something... anything.  No one wanted to play tennis or go for a walk, or a hike.  Everyone was pretty content to just sit around.  Not really my thing these days.  I really missed playing volleyball at church and I'm a little bummed to be missing our softball game tonight too.  I tried taking my brother's dog for a walk with my nieces... that was a joke.  We got about 3/4 of a mile form the house and the dog laid down and refused to move.  I pulled and pulled, but he wouldn't budge.  I even pulled his collar off, but he didn't care, he just laid there panting as if he was going to die.  He weighs about 50lbs and he's not fond of being picked up (and he's mean), so for fear of being bitten I resolved to drag his fat little butt the 3/4 of a mile back home.  Each time we walked through a spot of shade he stopped and laid down.  It took us at least 15 minutes to get home.  Geez!  When even the dog is inactive, you know it's bad!

Last night I spent nearly 3 hours catching up with some very dear, encouraging friends.  We served as youth leaders together and they happen to be the parents of 3 youth boys (now college men!) that I've had the pleasure of knowing for years.  I just love them all so much.  I love catching up with people and being able to be completely, 100% me.  The comfort of longstanding relationships is wonderful.  We laughed a lot... and we talked about some tough stuff.  It was so refreshing.  I'm so blessed.

There are aspects of being home that are really hard, but I really am glad to be here.  There's no place like home, right?  There are just some people that are tough to be around, but I'd say that the good outweighs the bad for sure.  What family doesn't experience that, really?  I'm excited for the next few days of adventures here.  Thanks Jesus.

Poignant Words

"You're beautiful."  "Your voice just isn't strong enough or what we're looking for."  "You don't look like a pastor."  "You are amazing."  "I'm disappointed in you."  "I think you're too independent for your own good."  "Your heart for Jesus is beautiful."  "I love you."  "No one will ever love you."  "You're not pretty or thin enough."  "You make me laugh like no one else can."  "You're not what I'm looking for."  "God speaks clearly through you."  "You're so easy to be around."  "You're too cynical."

The list could go on.  These are just a tiny few of the phrases I've had spoken to me at some point in my life.  They are things that have stuck with me.  Some I'd like to forget.  Others, I'd like to live up to better than I am right now.  For quite some time now, I've allowed one specific statement to define me.  It's in every part of my life every single day.  It runs through my mind multiple times a day.  Sometimes I can silence it, other times I believe it with every fiber of my being.  Sometimes it's enough to stop me dead in my tracks, other times I can move forward, unflinchingly.

It's the times when it takes over everything else I'm doing that I have to stop and ask God for help.  When I try to move forward on my own, I'm stuck believing the falsehood of such a statement... and boy, does it hurt!  It seems like no matter how much head-knowledge I have, my heart doesn't want to believe the truth.  I let someone else's words and thoughts about me, define who I really am and how I act.  I've been somehow convicted of that this week.  I'm guilty of not resting in who God says that I am.  I'm guilty of not trusting His very words for my life, for allowing lies to seep in and take over my person.  To a certain extent, I think we're all guilty of this, but that doesn't mean I'm justified in my thoughts/actions as a response.

Just this week, I was on the phone with one of my best friends and we were discussing what it was like when she saw one of our other friends.  I asked a lot of questions about our other friend since I've not seen her since just after college, I think.  My bff described this other person as "pretty much the same, only a bit more grown up."  It made me think about how people would describe me to someone who used to know me at a different time in my life.  Would I still be described as a daughter of the King, fun-loving, laughable, sassy, reliable, easy to talk to, etc., or would I be described as someone completely different?  I like to think I'm still all of those things... just in a somewhat "grown-up" form, but who knows.  I'm not looking for affirmation or confirmation, I'm simply writing out some thoughts.

What or WHO do you allow to define you?  Is it the words and actions of others?  Or are you somehow less impressionable than me?  I would love to be able to say that I'm uninhibited by other people, but I can't.  God is doing a work in me and I'm doing my best to allow Him to without my mind interfering.  The truth is the ONLY thing that matters is what God thinks.  Who I am in Christ Jesus outweighs all else... when I allow it to (and even when I don't).  This link is to a long list of scripture that talks about just who we are in Christ.  I enjoyed reading through this list and resting in the fact that these are truths from the Lord, given to His people, whom He loves.

Since I've been stuck on this subject, it's really got me thinking about the poignancy of words, be it spoken or written.  Words have the power to alter someone in irreversible ways.  They can make you feel so loved, and yet they can cut you down and knock the life out of you.  When you speak to someone, do you think about the results your words may produce?  Do you think about the long-term effects (either good or bad), or do you only think about the emotion you're feeling as you say those words?

In this very well-known passage from James 3, he talks very clearly about the power of words.
"Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness.  Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."  James 3:5-10

I want to be thoughtful of every word I speak.  I want to be who I've been made to be in Christ and for that to show by my actions and words.  Only by God's strength.