[Wo]man on the Run

"Stay in America for now.  Be willing to be settled in New Jersey," said the Lord.  To which I responded, "Whaaaa?  Come again?  Jersey?  Are you sure??"

My journey started long before I accepted my current position.  Jesus has been preparing my heart for this time in my life since I was born.  He knew the challenges and heartache I would face (and will still face) and He also knew the joyous victories He would win (and will continue to win).

Since I turned 16, I've been on the go.  My parents moved to Arizona after my sophomore year of high school (for my father's health), but allowed me to stay in Illinois and finish school with my friends.  Back and forth to Arizona multiple times a year, I never felt settled.  After high school I moved to small-town Indiana to attend a private Christian university.  I was only a year and a half in before I decided I needed a change.  I moved back to AZ, lived at home, and attended Arizona State University.  One semester and many bad decisions later, I was back in Indiana where I would finish my degree.  Indiana was the first place I felt settled in my "adult" life.  I lived there nearly 7 years total, working for a while after college before moving back to Illinois.

When I moved back to Illinois, my second niece was born, thus my parents bought a house in IL again.  With my family back and me accepting a job in ministry, you'd think I would have been content and ready to settle.  Not so much.  A year into that position and the Lord called me (very clearly) to Uganda.  Without a third thought (because I'm sure there was a second thought), I moved to Africa for a year.  When that incredible, life changing year was up, I wanted nothing more than to be back in Africa asap.  I was back in IL for about 16 months, working for my family (for the "family business" if you will), and doing youth ministry with my home church.  I got nice and comfortable and into a routine, but went back to Uganda gladly, knowing that Jesus was asking me to go again.  It was a bit of a rough year, to put it mildly, but the Lord moved and I saw MANY lives changed and experienced things I never could have imagined, glory to God.

Coming home from Uganda was necessary, but very painful.  It's a weird feeling to have your heart split in half... I guess that's the best way to describe it.  My heart literally aches to be back in Africa sometimes and I miss my African family more than I'll ever let on.  It was in that time of reverse culture shock, anger, relief, confusion, uncertainty, etc. that Jesus opened the door to come to South Jersey.  It's miraculous and perfect because He timed it that way.  There's no denying that I have been placed here "for such a time as this."  Thinking of the old testament story of Queen Esther's rise to power and her choice to "risk it all" for the Jews, I'm somehow assured of my place here.  God doesn't make mistakes.  Duh.

So for just over a year now I've been living and working in small-town South Jersey for such a time as this.  Within the first month of being here, I had plenty of very significant interactions with people and new relationships began to form.  God sure didn't let up after that first month either.  He continues to move and inspire awe in me.  He reveals more of His plan slowly by slowly, as the Africans say.  Bit by bit, it's like living in a perpetual cliffhanger, but somehow I'm okay with it.

The norm for me has been to move on after about a year, right?  And in some of those cases it was because I had something to move on from.  It's easier to cut ties when you don't commit for too long, yeah?  There's less chance of getting hurt, but if you've already been hurt, it somehow makes it easier to leave.  Twice in the past year I have seriously questioned God's placement and timing.  In spite of myself, He's continued to reassure me.  (In reality it's a bit silly to doubt the Creator of the universe, but when tough times come it's all too natural... thank you, human nature.)

There are some VERY exciting things ahead in ministry and I'm so blessed and honored to be a part of them.  Despite the current condition of my heart, God moves freely.  As I wrestle with what it actually means to be settled (building a family, getting a master's degree or two, etc.??) I rest in His arms.  Thankfully, my past doesn't define my future.  I've been given the opportunity to be obedient and to move forward.  I'm free from past sin, guilt, and shame.  It's a freedom I briefly wrote about here before accepting this position.  People's definitions of me don't define me because I know who I am in Christ and it's Him I answer to.  The things I once chose aren't the things I choose now.  I digress.

As I look back on another post from when I accepted this job and then think about events that have transpired since being here, it's undeniable, praise the Lord, that I'm supposed to be settled here.  Figuring out "being settled" won't happen with the snap of my fingers or the throwing of any tantrums.

So now I look ahead, but not too far ahead.  I eagerly anticipate the things to come.  My heart still takes some convincing once in a while, but thankfully Jesus is patient with me.