A strange thing happened when I got in my car on December 23rd. It was all packed up, dog vomit-proofed and we were about 20 minutes from the house when I was overcome with a sadness. Not like, "I need to cry for 20 minutes and then I'll be good" sadness. More like, "as much as I long to be in Chicago right now, I don't want to leave" sadness. It was such a weird feeling considering how much thought and preparation I put into making sure I could be home for Christmas Eve with extended family and Christmas morning with the girls.
I thought for sure it would subside the farther from NJ I got, but it didn't, it just intensified. Actually, it was really annoying because it was killing the whole fun, adrenaline, anxiety of going to Illinois. My nieces didn't know I was coming early and I was looking forward to surprising them... at least I thought I was. By the time I got into Ohio, I had had enough. I began to pray and ask God to help me sort through what was going on.
He began to show me, walking me through my life, that I had always made myself at home wherever I went. That wasn't news to me. I've even written on here about my somewhat transient lifestyle. But what He was showing me was how extremely blessed I am to have so many places to call "home." So many places where I'm comfortable and surrounded by people I love. Even more than that though, He reminded me that since this world isn't my permanent home, He has enabled my heart to make everywhere home. I'm not sure that I have effectively communicated that, but I'm not really sure how else to put it. It was an awesome reassurance of His presence and power, no matter where my physical location. God has always made a way and it's not been easy in the least, but what an amazing feeling, to have my heart so spread out.
When I got back in my car to come back to NJ, I felt the same sadness, but this time I rejoiced. I had had a wonderful time with my beloved family and even though it's hard to leave, I was ready to be back here with this family. Walking through my door here, to a house (and cat) that had been so lovingly cared for by dear friends made my heart happy. And of course the reunion here was so sweet.
Within 2 days of being home I was told about a Ugandan Kid's choir concert that was only about 10 minutes from my house. Talk about wanting to go home! There are times when just I ache for Africa... longing to be "home." What an interesting few weeks of such mixed emotions. The concert was during youth group, so myself and a couple of my leaders took the kids and headed over. I was bursting at the seams with excitement. Seriously though, it was hard to contain. I couldn't wait for everyone here to get to experience just a tiny, tiny bit of the place that brings my heart so much joy.
As soon as the first song started, so did my tears. I was overwhelmed with joy to hear "Jabulani," a song that I've both sung and heard many, MANY times.
Thankfully I was sitting in front of my kids, so they didn't have to experience how overcome with emotion I was. :) The choir was fantastic! I WISH I had their energy. To see their faces and watch how excited they were to worship God was incredible. Their love for the Lord was more than obvious... it radiated off of every part of their bodies. I don't think I stopped smiling the entire time. After the concert, my kids had the opportunity to greet the choir and get a picture with them which was really cool. I even told them how to say "thank you" in Luganda and the choir was shocked and thrilled to respond in their native language.
Honestly, it felt like a gift from God as I prepare to head to Uganda in a few weeks. I can't wait to be there, reunited with yet another branch of my family!
Though sometimes it's really hard to be in any one of the many places I call "home," I feel extremely blessed that Jesus has given me so much. To be a part of the Body of Christ is to have a place anywhere and everywhere. What a comfort knowing that wherever God places me or sends me, I'm home because I'm His.
The icing on the cake this week was reading this quote on a friend's page... "You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place." -Miriam Adeney
You're either a cat person or a dog person right? Most people are loyal to one or the other. Personally, I've always been a dog person. We didn't have a dog growing up, aside from the short time my grandpa lived with us while he still had his dog. When she lived with us, I LOVED playing with and taking care of her, but my parents were never fond of the idea of having to take care of a dog, knowing that we probably wouldn't. We had a parakeet at one point. I had a turtle. And we always had a fish tank, but no "real" pet.
One pet that we never even thought to ask for was a cat. None of us ever cared for cats, so it was never brought up. When I would sleep over with a friend who had a cat, I ignored the animal. No desire to mess with cats. In fact, I actually grew to despise them... mainly because the ones I HAD been around were either really skittish or really stuck up.
Well about a year and a half ago, I adopted a kitten from a shelter. Why on earth would I do something so dumb? I've asked myself that same question nearly every day since getting the cat. Until recently, that is. You see, his main purpose is to take care of bugs for me... namely crickets. I can't handle seeing or being around them without having an actual panic attack. Embarrassing, I know.
Paka (my cat) has done a fabulous job keeping the bugs away, but he's also just plain annoying. Because I'm not used to cats, I'm not accustomed to the dumb crap that they do ALL the time. He constantly knocks stuff off of shelves and tables. I come home or wake up to things broken, messed up, or missing all the time. My response has always been to grab him and put him in the basement for the day (where his food and box are, btw). Over the last year and a half, I really grew to hate the cat. There was no part of him that I enjoyed. In my eyes, he was just a bug killer that I had to feed. My dog enjoys having him and they often cuddle and play together... which is one of the only reasons he's lasted as long as he has. The church got an exterminator for me and as soon as that happened, I started looking for someone to take the cat, figuring that the dog would get over the loss. I didn't want to return him to the shelter, but I didn't want to keep him.
If I'm being honest, I've been kinda mean to him. I yell at him for doing those dumb cats things. The other day, I caught myself raising my voice at him just because he exists. He had done something very cat-like and I wasn't having it. It was in that moment that I realized how awful I've been. First of all, he didn't choose to come live here. I adopted him. I made the choice to bring him into my home. The annoying, sometimes destructive things that he does are not meant to make me angry... he's just doing what cats do.
But more than that... through the words of a friend, I realized how little grace I've extended my cat. But how much like the cat can I be sometimes? I do stupid stuff human stuff all the time. I destroy things and make messes of things. I mean, we've all been born into captivity to sin... our nature is to be sinful and disobedient. Like a cat, I like to do my own thing. You know how cats sometimes just take off running for no apparent reason? I do that too. (No, not literally... though, how funny would that be?)
Before I was born, God knew me. And yet He still chose to give me life and make me His beloved! He knew that I would do stupid human things and yet He still sent His Son to the cross for me. Amazing grace, indeed!! How great is His love for ALL His people?
As I thought about this even further, the Lord revealed more of His great compassion and I made a conscious decision to love my cat. It seems to go against all of my instincts to love Paka, but love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice. I have to choose to love him even if I don't think he deserves it... because the reality is that I don't deserve the love I've been shown. None of us do. So what does that mean for me today, aside from living peacefully and loving my cat? It means that I understand a little bit better how to look on EVERYONE with love... not just those who make it easy to love them.
In His great wisdom, God knew that I needed a shot of compassion. There is not one person alive who isn't in need of a Savior. There's not one person alive who doesn't deserve to hear the Truth. Am I supposed to love everyone? Absolutely! Am I going to encounter people who don't want me to love them? Yep, but I will make the choice to love them anyway. It's not my job to pick and choose who to love. Sometimes love flows so easily. Other times it's going to have to be a conscious choice. In any case, my prayer today is that I will always move and speak with the compassion of my Savior.
My house is so much more peaceful since I decided to love Paka. When I come downstairs in the morning and one of my beloved trinkets from Africa is in the middle of my living room, I simply pick it up and put it back. I'm still not a cat person. I'm not sure that'll ever happen, but I am thankful for Paka AND that God is cool enough to remind me of something through a pet. What an awesome God!
Every time I've thought of something I'd like to write about, I get sidetracked and by the time I find my way back, the moment has passed. November flew by in a whirlwind of both joyful and tearful occasions. We lost a dear member of our church a few weeks ago and as you've probably read in other posts, I don't deal with death and loss very well. Especially not when it was someone I loved so dearly. The good news is that Jesus is victorious over death, so we had quite the celebration of her life and of her homecoming to be with Him. Praise God!
There have been plenty of joys mixed in there and I'm so grateful for God's grace in tough situations. Youth group has been going well and we continue to have new faces here and there. As I gauge the spiritual needs of my kids, I find myself at the foot of the cross more and more often. There is such a sense of urgency within me that sometimes it's really hard to sit back and follow the curriculum. Some days it's tough knowing that the maturity isn't there, but God's work runs deeper than I get to see, so I trust Him.
On a different note, I was blessed with the gift of a piano recently and what an amazing privilege it's been to spend so much time worshipping the Lord through song in my home. I don't think I'll ever get away from music being the thing that drops me to my knees in worship. I can't hear even the simplest of melodies without wanting to raise my hands to the King of Kings. Now I just need to take the time to practice the instruments I've been given. My guitar doesn't go un-played, but I'm not the one playing it so much these days. I miss it. I went through a few weeks of writing recently and I know I need to get back at it.
Something else that's been a bit time consuming is my grad school application... also a reason I've not been writing much else lately. The goal is to have the app completed before I leave to spend Christmas with my family. It'll be a huge relief to be done with that. Each time I talk with anyone at length about the grad program or life once I have my master's, I get overwhelmed with excitement. I can't wait to start and I've definitely spent way too much time putting it off. I've decided that there will never be a great time for me financially (thank you, IWU) so I just need to jump into it. I seriously cannot wait for the day when I'm a licensed counselor! Glory to God.
Outside of youth stuff, work has been a little hectic. That definitely comes with the time of year. We're expanding upon a ministry that's been up and running for years and I'm so pumped to see what God is going to do with that. The Yield service is still going well, though our numbers haven't been increasing. I love preparing sermons each week and I love working with our worship leader to pick music. There's no denying the presence of the Holy Spirit in that place... it's by His power that the Word gets preached each week. The Advent sermon series that I'm doing is called SENT and I've really been enjoying it so far. We've also just started another round of adult Bible study which meets at my house each week. The study is on prayer and it's great. I'm looking forward to getting further into that too. So much goodness happening.
I had the amazing privilege of spending Thanksgiving with a dear friend and his family in North Jersey this year. It was a lovely time and really felt like a vacation for me. His family lives in a gorgeous home on a beautiful lake. It was very picturesque as the show fell while I wrote my sermon, sitting by the fire with my puppy by my side. Perfection.
Aside from the Bears embarrassing loss on Thanksgiving, it was a fabulous day. We walked the dogs around the lake as the snow tapered off, we shoveled a tiny bit, and we ran a quick errand for last minute items. After the first football game, everyone began to arrive and we went and picked up his grandmother. The meal was amazing and the fellowship was fantastic. I do love being able to share what I'm thankful for... and no one had a shortage of things to thank God for. After dinner was cleaned up a bit, we got our desserts and gathered back around the table. Allan's grandmother then shared part her amazing story. I can't really put into words what it meant to be there for that. It was truly an honor to hear all of the amazing things God did to bring them safely through. I know there's so much more to the story and I can't wait to hear it someday. God carries His people.
On Friday, Allan and I grabbed a train into NYC for the day, but not before having a lovely breakfast with Jean!! I really miss Chicago and spending time in big cities. I mean, Philly is great and all, but it's just so small. He was a fantastic tour guide! I got to see so many things I hadn't seen before and the weather was pretty much perfect. Cities are so lovely when it's a bit chilly out!
Again, it was an awesome day. The whole trip was a blessing. We got back down here in time to practice and have church on Saturday. I'm happy to report that the meds I got for Piper worked! She didn't get sick once while in the car (or otherwise, for that matter)! She was well behaved... it gave me hope for Christmas.
This past week has been spent catching up and organizing a bit. I can't believe that Christmas is so soon. There's a lot going on at the church in the next few weeks and I know it's gonna fly by.
Actually... before I know it, I'll be walking the dirt roads of Uganda. Truthfully, it brings tears to my eyes to think about being there and reconnecting with my beloved Africa family. My heart has been longing for this for 3 years and I'm so thankful for the chance to go. My church has been so understanding and supportive. There aren't many jobs where they'll let you take two weeks off to go to Africa. Not that I'm vacationing, but it still feels like such a privilege.
As I mentioned earlier, the urgency of the gospel is overwhelming at times. I don't have to look much further than the daily news to realize that. The current condition of our country is horrifying. Not that the rest of the world is much better off. My sermon last week was called "The Coming Lord" and I talked briefly about the longing of the Jews for a Messiah. Their cry was, "come!" My cry is the same. And yet, so many people I love still don't know Jesus. It's a very difficult thing to want nothing more than for Jesus to come again, but to also want every knee to bow. Like God's, my desire is that, "no one should perish." (2 Peter 3:9).
In the midst of all of the pain and the suffering that we are surrounded by, God is so good. My heart has been burdened by the condition of the world and the condition of those near and dear to me. God has given me special time to spend with Him this week in order to interceed. Monday, I found myself back at Valley Forge. Two hours of worshipping, praying, and exercising... btw, some of those hills are no joke. And then yesterday I began to feel overwhelmed and again, God gave me a place to go to be with just Him. The more time I spend in His presence, the deeper in love with Him I fall. This study we're doing on prayer has been a great reminder of what it looks like to align my heart with God's. My desires are His desires. His will be done.
I still have those tricky areas where my human nature creeps in, thus causing some worry and anxiety, of course, but God is compassionate and patient with me. How comforting that He knows my every want and need and that He is sovereign over all! Sweet relief.
I really do long to be more like the woman described in Proverbs 31... hardworking, humble, strong, wise, dignified, nurturing. O Lord, keep making me.
I'm sure some of you have heard the song "Try" by Colbie Caillat. If not, here's the video.
I love the heart and the message of this song. It makes me think of ALL of the different things (not just hair and make-up) that we try to hide behind in order to feel lovely and important/worthy.
Don't we all have insecurities that we live with and that keep us from being free to be our best? I do! From my physical appearance to my musical ability and everything in between. My mind has been busy with thoughts of these insecurities lately... so much so that I've found myself becoming a bit inward at times.
As I've been praying through some of this, the Lord has been speaking to my heart about these areas of insecurity. Though we live in a worldly culture, the culture of Christ doesn't define things in the same way. Culture says I should wear a certain size, have my hair done a certain way, that my skin should be perfect and accented by amazingly long eye lashes, that I should be climbing the corporate ladder, and making lots of money. Jesus says, "I love You. I love every inch of you. I love your soul. I am enough and it's through me that you are made whole" None of that other stuff matters to Him. He chooses to love me no matter what I look like, who I marry, or how much money I make. He chooses to use me and all of my imperfections to further His kingdom. All He asks is that I love, trust, and put my faith in Him. And then through that commitment comes a deep, intimate relationship with Jesus that bears much fruit. Amazing, right?
Oh Jesus, help me to love like you and to look at the beauty of You working in others.
I want to be defined by Christ in me, not by the things of Earth. That's the desire of my heart. I want to love Jesus so deeply that it reflects in each and every interaction I have.
"But thanks be to God, who always leads us as captives in Christ’s
triumphal procession and uses us to spread the aroma of the knowledge of him
everywhere. For we are to God the
pleasing aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are
perishing." 2 Corinthians 2:14-15
Writing has always been quite therapeutic for me, as I'm sure it is for many people. Yesterday I spent a great deal of time looking through some of my writings from the past few years in order to reflect on all of the cool stuff God has done. I wasn't disappointed as I came across something that brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face.
I have this locked document that, for the time being, is just between me and Jesus. Looking through and seeing the movement of the Spirit and the changing movement of my heart, I once again found myself falling more in love with God.
About a year ago I had a special encounter with someone very dear to me. This had been something I had been praying about for a long time. We met to talk about Jesus, though they didn't know that was the purpose at the time. We started off by reflecting on life thus far... good times and bad. We talked about things that have been (and will continue to be) really difficult and we talked about things that are joyful and a bit less heavy. The conversation flowed very easily and naturally for us. As they continued to open up to me, I prayed for an opportunity to bring Jesus into our time.
That opportunity came and the results changed me forever. Being a person who has grown up (somewhat) in the church, they knew about Jesus, but they had never made a connection between their head knowledge and their heart. We talked a lot about what it means to know Jesus as Savior. They asked some very honest questions, straight from the heart and I did my best to answer them as the Spirit led. Then they said something to me that I will never forget...
They said they had never "accepted Christ in their heart," that they had wanted to, but the reason they never had was that it was "just too hard to believe." When I heard those words, my heart sank a little bit. I hadn't planned on that response from them. So I asked, "what, exactly, is too hard for you to believe?" I watched their face as they thought through their perfectly worded answer. A look of awe and peace came over them as they gave me their response, "that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome."
I remember my eyes welling up with tears and trying to keep it together so as not to make anyone uncomfortable. It was a struggle to keep myself from throwing my arms around them and jumping up and down with joy... even though that's what was happening in my heart at the time. As I composed myself internally I said to them, "you know what? You're right, but Jesus is more than awesome enough to do that for us! How cool is that?!"
We left the place where this conversation played out, got in my car, and I prepared to take them home. I remember God nudging me, saying, "this conversation isn't over." I didn't want to push them into anything based on emotion or based on what they thought I would want to hear, so I said that to them and let them know that I was available whenever they were ready to pray it out, be it then, or any time in the future. They stopped me and said they were ready right then, in that moment. So we held hands and prayed together. Another name was written in the Book of Life that night as the angels rejoiced.
"It's hard to believe that Jesus would do that... it's just too awesome." I agree wholeheartedly with this dear one and pray that we would all stop and take a minute to reflect on just how awesome He is. Thanks be to God for this person who I love so deeply. Thanks be to God for their honest words that cause me to stop dead in my tracks a year later and praise the Lord!
God is so good. Amen, right? Seriously though, I'm just so in love with Him these days. I know I wrote about it a few weeks ago, so I won't go on and on about it today. I'm grateful.
Ministry has been so great lately. I love my job. I mentioned in my last post about the upcoming sermon series I get to do and I'm so excited for it. Something else that's so exciting to me is that today was the first day of after school Bible study for my high school students. I had 5 kids show up. That may not seem like a huge deal, but it is. 5 kids who want to dive deeper into God's Word? 5 kids who want to know Christ more? Praise God! There's so much goodness happening these days.
I'm at a really cool place with many of my youth... a place I love! It's a place where they're wanting to hang out with me outside of church. It's been this way for a while now with a few kids here and there, but it just seems different now. You get to a point where your youth kids become your friends and I, for one, love it. I think of the way Jesus interacted with His disciples and about how totally relational He was and that's where I long to be. Relationships are my thing. I can teach you, but I'd really like to do life with you too. I don't want to only tell you, I want to show you.
Some of my "former youth kids" are now some of my favorite friends. It's a very intimate thing to guide someone in their relationship with Christ. In my opinion, you can't effectively minister to someone from afar. You've got to get personal. Sure, I understand that there's a line that shouldn't be crossed and you've got to be careful about what you disclose, but kids respond when you're open with them. When they can relate to you because they know some of the trials you've faced, they trust you.
This means that I'm invested and 100% committed. To be honest, it's a little scary. It's a vulnerable place to be. I feel like I'm pouring all of me into my ministry. It's not just my job, it's my life. Each kid that I disciple now has a piece of me. Each person that I preach to gets to hear my heart. The people that I minister with are like my family... they see me at my best and at my worst. It gets lonely sometimes to be surrounded by my work, but Christ sustains me and He's enough.
Being consumed by day to day life (my job) doesn't allow time for much else. I've been thinking a lot about life outside of my work and the hopes and plans that I've had. A Master's degree is still very much on my radar and I'm pursuing that option, pending some financial stuff. (Still paying off my undergrad degree.) There's also the timing of it all. I'm not sure how I'll have time to do school work on top of everything else, but I know I'll figure out a way to make it work. I'd also still like to have a family... but I'm trusting God's timing on all of that.
Moments of vulnerability along with being so committed to so many things has really got me thinking. I have brief times of panic every once in a while because of the level of commitment, but again, God reigns me back in and draws me back into a place of quiet and rest with Him.
I consider it a huge privilege to do the work I'm doing and I don't think there's anything else I'd rather be doing right now. I love Jesus and I really, REALLY want my kids (and the whole congregation) to love Him too... and to desire to walk with Him daily. It's such an honor to bring these kids before the throne of the Lord everyday. What an amazing gift.
Like a parent, I have days when I wish I could walk down the halls of the school, holding their hands and guiding them through life. I wish I could protect them from the realities of a sinful world. I want to be their shield... or at least put them in a bubble. God's got this though. I trust Him.
I guess there wasn't really a point to this post other than to brag on my God and my youth. Thanks Jesus.
As I come up on a year of preaching(!), I've been working to plan out my sermon series a bit more in advance. This past year has been quite the experience. I've learned a lot about sermon prep and writing... and I've eaten a lot of humble pie as some of my messages weren't quite on target. It's been lots of ups and downs and lots of trial and error. There are weeks when I don't feel like I have a clear message until Friday (I preach on Saturdays). There are other times when I've known the heart of the message for weeks before I deliver it.
I still can't claim that I'm a great preacher by any means, but it's something I've come to love. Can I be honest with you about some things? Preaching is hard... and exhausting. Sermon prep is hard. ("Have I preached this same message already...?" "have I used this illustration before?") Leaving my emotions and attitude at the door despite what's going on in my personal life is tough sometimes. Scheduling out my week is hard too. Ministry is such an interesting beast, but I love it. :)
When my last series ended, I knew I wanted to start another series right away because the flow and build in a series is great, but I wasn't sure where to go. I started to pray about it and bounce ideas off of colleagues and friends. One thing kept creeping into my head, but I kept squashing it down a bit. I'm not qualified to preach on that! Sure, I've experienced it - pretty heavily at times - but how can I do a sermon series on it? What authority do I have? Won't this just be opening myself up for attack?
If you haven't guessed it, my next sermon series will be on spiritual warfare. Why not go into my second year of preaching with a bang, right? God confirmed to me that I am to move ahead in the planning of this series (with the power and authority of Christ!) and it's not been without it's trials already.
I'm aware that ANYTIME I'm doing the work of God, I open myself up to the attacks of the evil one. And I also know that the evil one doesn't want others to know or believe that he's always on the prowl, so of course he's going to target me in the weeks to come. Already this past weekend I had to deal with a situation that was the first of what I'm sure will be many attempts at bringing me down.
Then Tuesday came... it began like any other day. I met a friend and got a workout in, but by the time I got home, my feet were hurting quite a bit. Out of the ordinary. We had only done a mile more than I had been doing, so it really shouldn't have made a difference... or so I thought. By Wednesday morning it was obvious that something wasn't right. I couldn't put any weight on my right foot and I was writhing in pain. So I went right to urgent care to get an x-ray and see what was going on. Fears confirmed... slight stress fracture.
My friend, Allan and I have been doing this 100 mile running challenge to raise awareness and $$ for the prevention of human trafficking in southeast Asia. I was 38 miles (and ahead of schedule) when this injury struck. The evil one strikes where it hurts, doesn't he? How am I going to catch back up? How can I just sit around letting the days pass without adding miles? I had made a commitment to complete this challenge AND a commitment to myself to live a healthier lifestyle. Ugh.
The doctor said it was minor enough to not have to wear a giant boot thing if I would be sure to wear this special shoe and try to stay off of it as much as possible. When I am without pain, I'm allowed to put weight on it, but I need to wait weeks before I can jump back into the 100 mile challenge. That wasn't a problem on Wednesday or Thursday because I was still feeling that initial stabbing pain. Today it's just a dull pain and I've only had to take the actual recommended dosage listed on the Ibuprofen bottle as opposed to the 5 at a time from the previous days. Today I'm tempted to ignore the pain and go about life as usual. One mile couldn't hurt, right? Wrong.
I know I'm a terrible patient. I don't like resting and though I've gotten a lot of work done, I'm BORED! My couch permanently has my butt print in it, or so it would seem. I like to go to the kids' sporting events, but I'm not supposed to be driving at all, let alone that far. Thankfully a friend was willing to drive me last night and it was nice to be out of the house. I'm supposed to play paintball with my kids tomorrow... instead, I get to watch. (Maybe I'll get some good pics, right??) I've had people offering to do stuff for me and to help out, but I gotta say... I like doing things for myself. I'm not good at letting others do stuff I should be able to do. For example... I ran out of pain meds yesterday so instead of asking someone to run to the drugstore, I got in my car and drove myself. It wasn't a huge deal, but by the time I got home, I was hurting. Was it worth it though? Well, I didn't have to bug anyone else...
All of that to say that this is simply another way that the evil one will try to keep me down and prevent me from speaking the truth. I've experienced it before, especially while working with those of Islamic faith, and I'll experience it again, I'm sure. I also know that this won't be the end of the trials. I'm planning a 4-6 week series, so I assume I'll face a lot in the next month or so.
So my plea to you is to join me in praying as this series approaches and for the duration. Please pray for those I minister with and those I minister to. I believe God has a message for us and I plan on delivering that message. Would you stand with me as the battle rages on?
