Surrender

I'm not sure where to begin right now. It's been a while because I've been incredibly busy with work, youth stuff, and preparing for Africa. As I sit on my bed and write this right now the only sound I hear is the wind gusting past my window. For the first time in what seems like forever there's a stillness in the house. My nieces are not home from their sleepover last night and everyone else is upstairs. It's so amazingly peaceful. In the stillness of the house though, there's a level of excitement and anxiety exuding from my room. I have so much stuff to do in the next 18 days and absolutely no motivation to do any of it. Not because I don't want to go, but because this is the first time in over a month that I've had a quite minute to myself.

This Christmas season was strange for me. Normally I'm beyond excited to see family and friends, to celebrate, laugh until I cry, and just have a good time. This year seemed different. I wasn't anxiously awaiting Christmas Eve, I was working. I didn't want to get out of bed Christmas morning and had it not been for my cute nieces whom I adore... I wouldn't have. Maybe it was because I was so busy with work. Or because I was sad to have already said goodbye to the people at New Hope Presbyterian. Or maybe because of my mom's injuries and our lack of cookies and delish food. Maybe it was because I made a bad choice, broke my heart, and even worse... lost my best friend. Maybe because a dear youth kid passed away a couple of days before Christmas. Or maybe it was because I just have so much going on I can't focus my emotions on one thing. Emotions run high this time of year anyway, so for someone like myself who is not very emotional, yet loves Christmas and the week after, it has been a weird experience. I just haven't felt like celebrating. My heart hasn't felt like celebrating. Despite the energy coming from the kids, I've been broken.

I feel like I need to reiterate the fact that I'm in no way dreading my departure. I'm so looking forward to what God has in store for me and the people of East Africa. The sadness that surrounds me is not a regret for future decisions made, it's a regret for past decisions made and the loss that comes along with that. I'm SO excited to have the opportunity to serve in East Africa again and I'm VERY much looking forward to being able to share Christ with the nations. Thanks be to God. :)

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that my birthday is one of my favorite days of the year. I usually have some sort of countdown reminding the world of "my" day, but again, this year it didn't seem important. I decided with one of my good friends/youth kids that I would have a combined birthday/going away party extravaganza on my birthday. We made the decision and sent out invitations before the craziness of life started, so by the time my birthday rolled around I wasn't too excited about it. The days leading up to my birthday were filled with work and hanging out with awesomely fun people. It was a good distraction to be surrounded by people who were excited for my birthday for me. On the eve of my birthday I had a slumber party with a couple of awesome youth girls. They took me out to a "classy" dinner at Olive Garden, then we came home and I was given some sweet temporary tattoos and some awesome safari animal sponge capsules that grow in hot water. We then spent the evening applying tattoos, dying their hair, growing the sponges, coloring, and simply having a fantastic time. What a blessing from the Lord. The morning of my birthday started with some yummy chocolate chip waffles, then I went and got my special birthday haircut. This year I even cut my hair more dramatically than ever; I'm not talking just a trim. I love it, so far. Then we headed to Naperville for the party. As soon as the guests started to arrive I couldn't help but feel like I was the most loved person on the planet. Throughout the night we had so many people filter through that I didn't even get a chance to talk to all of them. A big warm house filled with the people I love... it was the best birthday I've ever had. And to think I didn't even want a celebration going into the day. Honestly the Lord has been so gracious to me. I'm so undeserving and so thankful.

Despite myself, the Lord has been continually speaking clearly to me. Over and over and over again for about 3 weeks now He's given me the word surrender. One of the Sunday School lessons in our curriculum had the story of Jehoshaphat overcoming on onslaught. The short of it is that King Jehoshaphat receives word that they are to be attacked with no hope of a victory because of the sheer numbers and brute strength of the opposition. The first thing the King does is seek the Lord. He then orders a fast, so all the people of Judah and the surrounding towns fast. Then the King stands before the people of Judah and Jerusalem and prayed. The Spirit of the Lord then comes down to ensure the people that because they have placed their trust in the Lord, the battle is God's not theirs. The opposition is defeated and the Lord is praised with song.
A few things strike me. First off, if I was a mighty ruler and my people were threatened to the point of no hope, it seems like my first thought would not be to fast, it would be to RUN! To get the heck outta there and not look back. Or maybe it would be to create some sort of battle plan, but not pray and fast. The first thing Jehoshaphat does is surrender the situation to the Lord.

That was my first encounter with surrender. Then in the weeks to follow, as I've been struggling to stay afloat, God has continued to give me the word surrender. Then I heard a friend of mine speak to the youth about things that God has been laying on his heart. Through the truth of the words spoken by him from the Lord, I heard again the word surrender. Then one afternoon as I could do nothing else because I didn't have the strength or energy I picked up my bible and began reading. I felt prompted by the Spirit to read Colossians 3. I don't find the word surrender there, but I see discipline, complete trust (surrender), and real, unconditional love. A healing began that day and is still working right now. I am not strong enough to move forward anymore. I've thought for a long time that I was. It was not until I fully surrendered some things that I was still holding on to that I felt freedom.

Not being the one in control is painful. Surrendering is painful. However, I have never felt less in control and more free in my life... and I like it. There are areas in my life that I still have to consciously surrender every single day, some times more than once a day, and it is so hard, but when I do and let God take control there's nothing more freeing. Hearts don't heal overnight. Life can't be mended in a day. BUT God's grace is sufficient, His mercy endures, and His faithfulness doesn't waiver. God is not a God of guilt and uncertainty. He is a worthy and trustworthy God and I'm in love with him. I'm surrendered today.