Bragging Rights

I just want to brag on my church for a few minutes.  In the last month or so, on two separate occasions I've asked two different groups of people to spend their Sunday nights with me and my youth kids.  With very little reservation they all agreed.  The first night I had some "seasoned" church members come in and talk about discernment.  I've rarely seen a group of teenagers sit so quietly, listening carefully to what their elders had to say.  It was great!  And then tonight I asked the members of my worship team to come in to talk about their worship experience with music.  Not only did they share their hearts, but they took the time to eat with us and even stayed for games.

This might not sound like much to you, but it meant A LOT to me.  God has blessed me with the opportunity to care for His flock.  He's asked me to share His truth with young and old alike and I don't take that job lightly.  For as much as I talk about not crying, as I sit here tonight and think about the willingness of others to spend time with a bunch of youth that I dearly love, I'm moved to tears.  I want nothing more than for these kids to know Jesus and love Him like I do.  I want nothing more than for them to experience His mercy and grace and then share it with others.  I want them to hear the Gospel and be excited to shout about it.  And when people are willing to take time out of their lives to share with my kids, it blesses me more than I can express.

My job is not easy. ("What?  You get to hang out with kids all the time and be ridiculous!")  Even though I have flexible hours, play endless games, act insane, get louder than any adult should, and laugh more than most people do at their jobs, I realize that there are lives on the line.  There are souls at stake and while I can't save one, I serve a God who is capable and willing to save all.  Nothing I will ever do will be enough but I can plant seeds, disciple, love, and be Christ to them.  I can meet them where they're at and walk with them.  Building strong, trusting relationships with the kids is where it all begins... and that's no easy task.  Even getting them to come and see the value of youth group is a challenge.  And once they're there, making sure they're engaged in what's going on and actually understanding.  It's even a challenge to go from crazy-competitive-loud-obnoxious-hyper-me to mature-adult-teacher-youth director-assistant pastor-me, but I know the kids see that and understand the difference and the need for a difference.  Not many people get to be fools at work and still have the respect of others.  Lucky for me, I do.  I love being a fool for Christ.

In all seriousness, I'm humbled by the outpouring of love I've seen recently.  I'm grateful to serve in a place that loves the youth as much as I do.  I'm also grateful for the support and encouragement I get.  These lovely church members didn't have to say yes, but they did.  Sunday evenings are tough for people; a lot of the time it's the only time they get to chill with their families.  So grateful.

Thanks, Jesus.

His Ways

Joy fills my heart when I think about the past week.  My lifelong best friend and sister, Stacy and her family have arrived in NJ to start a new chapter of ministry and life.  I'm so excited to be working with and living near close family again.  I feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing they're here.  They arrived last Saturday and stayed with me for a few days before their truck arrived and we moved them into their new house.  It takes me about 17 minutes (without traffic) to get to their house.  We haven't lived this close to each other since we were in high school!  It's really a testimony of obedience to God and I'm so grateful.  I don't think either of us ever imagined living near each other in a place neither of us had ever called home prior to about 10 months ago.  

Even with the joy of Stacy and Jeff moving here, this was a bit of a rough week for me.  Partly because I spent some time in the ICU visiting a church member.  (Just to clarify, it's not the visiting that is difficult, it's the circumstances.)  She has been in ICU for a week now.  The first day I saw her was on Wednesday.  I was instructed to put on a gown before going into her room and to be sure to wash well after exiting... which didn't instill any confidence that she was improving.  As I entered the room it was clear that she was miserable.  Almost too weak to move, she looked up at me smirked, and then closed her eyes again.  I stood with her for a while and then prayed with her.  After about 25 minutes or so, I was ready to head out when a few other church members arrived.  Only two people are allowed in an ICU room at a time, so I made to leave.  They asked if I would pray before I left, so I stumbled through a Psalm as the women began to cry and then prayed with them.  As I was praying I could feel the sadness rolling off of everyone in the room.  When I finished praying I expressed my love, said goodbye, and left. 

(Sidebar: I'm fairly uncomfortable around really old people because sadly, I'm always reminded of the death of my grandparents.  I lost all 4 of my grandparents at a pretty young age and I've been to more funerals than I care to remember, so death isn't something I deal with very well.  The other thing I'm a bit uncomfortable with is crying... not so much other people's tears, but my own.  I just don't get really emotional often, so when a situation comes that will end in tears, I try to avoid it.)

The rest of that day was quite hectic for me as it was my job to coordinate dinner for about 60 people that night at church.  I had sent out numerous emails and a few people responded that they would be willing to bring some food in, but I knew it wasn't going to be enough.  I ran to the store and then spent the rest of the afternoon cooking and preparing for our Wednesday night programming.  Come meal time, a couple of people forgot to bring/drop off the food they had said they would so I was racing around trying to figure out what to do.  The Lord provided, everyone ate, and I'm grateful.  I'd like to specifically thank Amy Edwards for her contribution which provided a great opportunity for me to flee from temptation... an opportunity that I failed at a couple of times.  After dinner, I took the youth outside to play volleyball/"nuke-em" and to burn off some energy.  There were a few unexpected complications and some of the youth had some majorly bad attitudes.  At the end of the hour I was more than ready to come home.

Thursday brought more visits.  The first of which was in the home of a lovely woman who is physically unable to get to church on Sunday mornings.  I always enjoy our chats and feel very blessed to know her.  The second visit was back to the ICU, but this time was very different.  When I do scheduled home visits it's always with a friend from church.  God has gifted him with the ability to bring joy no matter where or what the situation.  In his 80-something years of life, he's walked very closely with the Lord and it's quite evident in all he does.  When we got into the room in ICU the atmosphere had changed.  The was an air of hope.  Our patient looked a bit stronger and even had a big smile for us when we came in. She was still too weak to communicate well, but she was responding with much more enthusiasm than the day before.  We only stayed for about 15 minutes so as not to exhaust her, but we made sure to pray again before leaving.

That evening I spent time with Stacy, Jeff, and the kids in their new home.  It was really nice to get away for a few hours!  Unfortunately, during that time a friend sent word of a major disappointment... something we'd been praying for earnestly for a few days that just didn't work out.  My initial response was anger (as per usual) but then a deep sadness took over me.  It hurts me when those around me are hurting or disappointed.  I guess I take Romans 12:15 quite seriously... "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn."  It was one of those, "oh come ON, God, really?!" moments that I hate to admit to having.  I was so frustrated, but the Lord quickly reminded me that His timing is best and that a "no" is indeed an answer to prayer, just not the answer I was looking for.  So now we wait on the Lord.

When my alarm went off at 5 this morning, it took all I had to drag myself out of bed.  I subbed at the high school for a foods teacher.  I sat through the same cheesy VHS every single period that I had class.  The kids were great and I love hanging around them, but by the 6th time through the video I was more than ready to leave... luckily the teacher I was in for didn't have a class the last period of the day, so I got to leave early.  Even leaving school early didn't pull me out of this low-hanging cloud I seem to be in so tonight I spent some by myself time in worship.  A friend is letting me borrow his keyboard right now so I played through a bunch of songs.  Standing in my house, just me and God, I found peace in His presence tonight.  It's because of Him that I can say my heart is filled with joy.  

Resting in Isaiah 55 right now:

1 “Come, all you who are thirsty,

    come to the waters;

and you who have no money,

    come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

    without money and without cost.

2 Why spend money on what is not bread,

    and your labor on what does not satisfy?

Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,

    and you will delight in the richest of fare.

3 Give ear and come to me;

    listen, that you may live.

I will make an everlasting covenant with you,

    my faithful love promised to David.

4 See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,

    a ruler and commander of the peoples.

5 Surely you will summon nations you know not,

    and nations you do not know will come running to you,

because of the Lord your God,

    the Holy One of Israel,

    for he has endowed you with splendor.”

6 Seek the Lord while he may be found;

    call on him while he is near.

7 Let the wicked forsake their ways

    and the unrighteous their thoughts.

Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,

    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

12 You will go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

    will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

    will clap their hands.

13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,

    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord’s renown,

    for an everlasting sign,

    that will endure forever.”

A Sermon, Africa, and More Bugs

Just over a week ago, I had the opportunity to give the sermon since my senior pastor was out of town. This is something I'm becoming a little bit more comfortable doing.  It's not the "speaking in front of people" that makes me nervous, it's the whole "not my words" thing.  I never for one second want to utter a word that's not truth.  I never want to take scripture out of context or use it poorly.  God was very clear with me about the subject matter I was supposed to share.  Throughout the week leading up to the sermon, He led me very directly and spoke quite clearly about the scripture I was to use.  He also led me to study 3 specific stories from scripture.  It all came together well on Friday and even though I had a rough couple of run throughs- trying to time stuff out well- by Sunday morning I knew I was ready.

The first service went fairly well.  We (the praise team) had practiced really well the day before, so the music was great and it really helped to usher me into a very focused time of worship.  By the time it was time to preach my nerves were tense, but I knew confidently that the words I was about to share were from God.  Aside from a few little stumbles over a word or two, I think it flowed well.  The second service's sermon flowed a little bit more smoothly, but all in all, the whole morning went well.  I had only positive feedback that day and I'm very grateful to the Lord for His clear leading.  I'm very encouraged by this past experience and even though there were a few people who offered some slightly backhanded compliments, I'm looking forward to preaching again soon!

The week after preaching always feels slow just because the week leading up to preaching seems so intense.  Monday (my day off) was spent playing outside during the day and then hanging with a friend and his family that night.  Tuesday evening was spent with some friends who have just returned home from 2 years in Uganda (where I first met them).  What a blessing to spend time with people who really understand things in regards to East Africa.  I love chatting with those who just "get it," so to speak.  On Wednesday it was really warm out so I played volleyball with some of my youth outside on the new court I set up.  We had a lot of fun... I'm determined to get my kids ready for next year's winter retreat tournament.  We didn't show well this year, but it's SO on next year!

Friday I had the unique opportunity to share some of my experience in East Africa with a class in Indiana.  A friend that I met in Uganda has a roommate who's a high school English teacher.  His class is reading a book written by a Lost Boy from Sudan.  He asked if I would be willing to speak to his class via Skype once they were far enough along in the book.  Of course I jump at any opportunity to talk about my beloved Africa, so I spoke to two separate periods of students.  I talked through my experiences with former child soldiers and "lost boys" and then took questions from them.  It was such an honor to be able share with them.  I was also able to speak to the fact that it was God who clearly led me there... which was a cool opportunity because their teacher isn't allowed to talk with them about God, even though he desires to do so.  They asked really good questions, were great listeners, and some of them even want to know how to get involved.  Praise the Lord for such a random connection and the chance to brag on how awesome He is!

The rest of my weekend was pretty much spent with a friend and his kids.  We hung out, shared meals, played games, played music, played softball and volleyball, watched the kids play soccer, and hung out with his parents for a short time.  All in all a very good weekend.  By the time youth group ended last night, I was exhausted!  So I came home with every intention of getting a quick shower and heading to bed before 10:30pm.  That's where our story begins tonight...

I headed upstairs and went right into the bathroom to start the shower.  While I waited for the water to get hot I brushed my teeth, took down my hair, and went to grab some clothes from my room.  Upon entering the bathroom again, something on the ceiling caught my eye.  Before I allowed my eyes to focus, I took a few steps back, preparing for the worst.  Yes, it was indeed a big 'ol spider.  My heart sank, defeated for a few seconds before it jumped into overdrive.  I realized that I had been standing under it the whole time while I was brushing my teeth and taking down my hair, which sent me into panic-mode.  

I assessed the situation and decided that I had to despose of it or I wouldn't be able to sleep, worrying it would come for me.  Knowing it was on the other side of the bathroom, I got in the shower, all the while keeping my eyes up in case it wandered over to the steam rising from the shower.  When I get out, I went and got dressed and then stood there thinking through the different items I could use to hit it down so Piper could eat it.  Standing in my bedroom doorway, staring at it, debating, it began to descend right over the toilet.  I knew I needed to act fast and find something to swat it down with.  The closest thing I had was a hanger from my closet.  Before I could get close enough to swing at it I had to make sure it wouldn't touch me.  So I suited up in socks, pants, and a hoodie tied tight.  I didn't stand and think about it too long or I may have lost the nerve to act.  I swung the hanger through the air and as soon as it made contact with the spider web, I screamed like I was being murdered, flung the hanger, which landed on the other side of the toilet, and ran out of the room, still screaming.  

At this point, Piper was on full alert.  I knew the thing didn't go in the toilet, so I sent her in there.  She didn't see it at first and then I began to feel guilty about making her eat it.  After all, what if it was poisonous or something?  So I called her away, and went in to investigate.  Leaning across the toilet, I saw it there... on the floor, being creepy and disgusting.  I couldn't reach for the hanger for fear that it would move at me.  So I quickly grabbed the toilet brush and without thinking smashed the spot where it was, screamed bloody murder, and threw the brush into the toilet.  Once I saw that it was in there, I got the brush out and flushed.  After the toilet stopped running, I flushed it again, feeling satisfied that it was indeed a goner.  

When the adrenaline finally stopped coursing through my veins, I laid down to calm myself enough for sleep (although, not before checking my entire room for any friends of the deceased).  I slept very restlessly last night, feeling like there were bugs on me and when my alarm went off at 5:30 this morning, I was still exhausted.  Even now I'm still a bit jumpy, but that's my heroic tail of killing a spider all by myself.  Full of drama and intrigue, I know!

FYI: Now, twice in one week I've had no choice, but to kill a bug.  On Friday afternoon there was a stink bug on the wall right above my bed.  I was about to leave to go out and had to get rid of it.  I couldn't leave with it that close to my bed.  So I took nearly a half roll of toilet paper, wrapped it around my hand, grabbed the bug (whilst screaming, of course), ran to the bathroom, and threw it into the toilet.  Ugh.  It's going to be a loooooong summer.

Wait, I say, on the Lord!

A brief update before moving forward:

I did indeed go to the Good Friday service and yes, I even enjoyed it.  Before going I prayed that God would help me with my attitude and help me to simply focus on the word He had for me that day.  Only one time during the service was I disturbed/distracted by something that was said which I felt was contradictory to what I understood about that particular denomination.  For a few seconds I allowed my anger to boil up, but was able to stifle it with God's help and bring myself back into the service.  Over all it was a very good service and I got a lot out of it.  I don't regret going and I wish more people would have come.

Moving on.  My mind has been working over time since last Wednesday.  I met with a woman from church for lunch.  This is a woman that I've seen and hugged nearly every week since moving here, but this was the first time that we sat down to talk one on one.  I so regret that last week was our first hang out.  She's fantastic!  I can honestly say that I've never left a meeting feeling so encouraged in my life.  I'm convinced that her gift of encouragement is straight from God.  We sat and simply started at the beginning... getting to know each other, a bit of our past, and even the desires of our hearts right now.  She was so easy to talk and I absolutely loved hearing her story.  I felt very comfortable sharing with her and she was very gracious in listening.  She said some stuff that has my mind spinning (in a good way).  Often times, God speaks to me through the words and wisdom of others... and He was speaking loud and clear.  Since then, I've been going over and over things in my mind.

I have a very active thought life, as I'm sure most of us do.  My brain doesn't shut down easily or well.  I find myself multitasking constantly.  I don't like to be idle and I'm not good at resting.  This results in being over analytical much of the time.  I allow myself to over-think situations and interactions and spend a lot of time thinking, "I shoulda said this" or "I shoulda said that" or "I shoulda shut my mouth" or "I wish things had gone this way" or "I really want this person to respond a certain way, how can I make that happen?"  It's craziness up there, I tell ya.  

I had been keeping myself and my mind so busy that even focusing on prayer was difficult.  Because I was processing my meeting and conversation with this wonderful woman, I had very much turned inward.  Yesterday during softball practice I was completely zoned out, my mind so far away that I don't even remember getting home.  And then my phone died earlier than usual and instead of rushing to get the charger, I just sat there.  I didn't have the energy to get it.  I knew I didn't want it.  A few people had even pointed out my zoned out look and attitude.  I've been allowing myself to be so busy both physically and mentally that I just needed a break from everything and everyone.  That's pretty abnormal for me because I love to be surrounded by people... and talking... always talking.  I had reached a breaking point and I couldn't move forward until I finished processing our meeting.  I'm not convinced, even still that I've fully processed our conversation... God has given me a lot to think/pray about.  

Mostly right now, God is drawing me into Himself.  I spent some time alone in the sanctuary tonight, playing piano and guitar and just hanging out with God.  His word for me tonight is simple.  "Let me be enough."  Full stop.  The stuff that my mind has been so busily going over is stuff that needs to be out of my control and in God's.  The desires of my heart seem to be screaming loudly these days, but God knows and He is enough.  Even though it's tattooed on my body, sometimes "remain in Me" gets lost in the business of my mind.   I can't seem to master that whole "contentment in the waiting" thing.  Patience.  Ugh.  I'm so thankful that God is patient with me in spite of my impatience with Him sometimes.

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"  Psalm 27:14