The Only Thing

A few days ago, a friend played this song for me because it reminded her of me.  My prayer is that my attitude would continuously reflect this song.  The only thing that's good in me is Jesus.  No matter what I do/say/sing, the goodness is all Jesus' doing.  May He be glorified.

The Only Thing by Ronnie Freeman.

I heard someone say the other day

They'd seen in me true love displayed

Blessed by something I had done for them

No sooner had they said these words

I found myself somehow disturbed

Uneasy as I took their compliment

Cause I know the heart inside this man

I know the truth of who I am...

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

I know me well enough to know

No matter what this life may show

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart

And see things as they really are

I wonder if you might be surprised

Seeing faded walls of pride and fear

Rooms I've filled with faithless tears

And corners where I've stood in compromise

But you'd see the work His grace has done

You'd know just how far I've come

In a thousand years

When the dust of this world clears

And I look back on my life

And see in perfect light

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

I know me well enough to know

No matter what this life may show

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

Make It So, Jesus

Using the term "called" doesn't seem appropriate to describe my God-given ministry.  What does it mean to be called?  In all reality, we've all been called into ministry.  If you know Jesus Savior, your job description is pretty clear.  "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.  And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."  Matthew 28:19-20.

Early in my walk with Jesus, I knew He was molding me for something different.  He drew me in and started changing my heart.  He started an on-going work in me.  There's no way to explain it well.  I just knew that something was different.  I knew I wasn't going to have the cookie-cutter life that most of my friends would have, and that was okay.  

Even when I ran from God during my sophomore year of college, His presence was unmistakeable.  I didn't see it at the time, but the lessons I learned during that rebellion have helped shape me into who I am now.  It's really hard to deny His grace and open arms.  It's hard to deny His wonder and might when you're standing at the top of Assisi, looking over the Italian countryside in complete awe as the wind blows the tall grass like waves of the ocean.  His beauty always brings me back.

After college when everyone was getting married, moving, and starting their families, I was doing ministry.  Aside from some loneliness at times, I was content.  It wasn't easy by any means... working in a church is never easy.  I slipped into my first full time youth ministry position without any kind of formal training, sometimes grasping at straws, but always trying to depend on God.  Sometimes, I tried to do things my way or the way I remembered them from my time in a youth program.  However (of course), it was when I would seek God first that things would happen and lives would change.  

There was a time in my walk where I was convinced that I was only to partner with others in leadership, to be their support, but not to lead on my own.  I wanted that to be true so that the huge responsibility wouldn't fall on me... also so I could stay partnered with those I was working with at the time.  It was safe there, but I wasn't trusting God completely by playing it safe.  I also had mixed feelings about women in leadership mainly because I was avoiding that role, but also because of people's opinions about it. 

Moving to Uganda was a huge leap of faith.  For the first 3 months I was there I questioned everything about the decision, but ultimately my faith grew and I had to step up.  God was preparing me for even bigger things.  Throughout my whole journey God has been preparing me for big things.  That isn't to say that the stuff along the way doesn't matter, just that it's been ongoing.  I've learned huge things about myself and even bigger things about God as a result of these different tasks I've been assigned.  

As I sit in this current role as youth pastor and assistant pastor, I continue to wrestle with some things in my head and heart.  This week in a meeting, I was told that I have a very strong presence... that my personality and sense of humor fit well in my current role... that when I stand in the pulpit on Saturday evenings or a random Sunday morning to preach, I speak with a God-given authority.  Can I let you in on a little secret?  That scares the heck out of me!  For a couple of PhD's to tell me that they are under my authority as I lead is incredibly intimidating and VERY humbling.  They were affirming much of who I doubt I am or could ever be.  It was a long conversation and a lot of silence on my end as I sat and took it all in and processed.  There are certain things I have always believed to be true about myself and I've allowed those things to limit me because many of them are not true according to who Christ says I am.  Hearing these things from the mouths of others has been so eye-opening, revealing and humbling.  (When someone tells you about yourself, do you ever think, "man, I'm not who they think I am?"  Well the reality is that you probably are, but you've allowed the evil one to mar your thinking and perceptions.)

So as I've been processing, I've come to a few conclusions.  First, women in ministry are not always taken seriously.  Throughout my life, I've known some incredibly strong women leaders, including senior pastors, and I've seen many scoff at them.  But, it's from some of those women that I've learned to really walk with Jesus and to really and truly love God with every ounce of my being.  Second, men don't always know how to handle a woman in leadership.  When I first moved here, I went out with a guy who was both intimidated and infuriated that I was an assistant pastor.  He was (unnecessarily) intimidated by my relationship with the Lord and my love and knowledge of Him (which is really minuscule, but hopefully always increasing), and infuriated that a woman was in leadership over men (even if the woman had been given the role by God Himself).  Needless to say, we only went out the one time.  But really, I think it's hard for some men to deal with a woman in leadership.  Of course, I'm thinking about a husband's leadership role as head of the family.  I have a friend who was engaged to a guy and when she told him she was going to be a preacher and asked him if he could handle that, he said no and they broke up.  I agree that men are to be the heads of their households.  If they are pointing their family to Christ, it shouldn't matter if their wife is in ministry.  Let's be honest, anytime one person in a relationship is in ministry, the other is somehow a part of that... I think that's how it should be.  Supporting each other, while being submissive is doable.  Third, God will always be shaping and molding me into who He wants me to be.  He will ask me to serve in a variety of ways even if I don't feel adequate, because He is more than adequate and He is the one accomplishing the work anyway.  He will equip me.  He will keep drawing me deeper and deeper into Himself... so that when people look at me, they only see His face.  Make it so, Jesus.

I read this on Fuller Theological Seminary's website and I like it so I thought I'd share:

"Women have contributed much to the ministry of the Church throughout its history. However, their role in this area has never been free from controversy. Today, most church bodies are discussing the place of women in their ministries. Crucial to these discussions for many of us are the matters of faithful biblical interpretation.

Perhaps a few words should be said about the concept of ministry itself on the basis of the New Testament. Today, we tend to confuse our specific church traditions about ordination with the biblical concept of ministry. The New Testament says relatively little about ordination. It clearly portrays, however, the fact that the early church had a varied and faithful ministry arising from the fact that all of God’s people were “gifted” by the Holy Spirit for the purpose of building up one another (see, for example, 1 Corinthians 12:4–31; 14:1–19; Romans 12:3–8; Ephesians 4:7–16; 1 Peter 4:8–11). Any person could exercise ministry (which means, remember, service) who was called and gifted by God and affirmed by the body of Christ, the Church. Some were set apart in leadership positions and some were assigned specific tasks to accomplish, but the differences among ministries were not distinctions of kind. Eventually, certain types of affirmation were combined with certain functions of ministry to produce our current understanding of ordination.

Modern debates over the ordination of women often miss the crucial and basic issues of the holistic concept of the ministry of the Church reflected in the New Testament. Of course, no person should be ordained or given any responsibilities of ministry within the Church because of gender or for the sake of a “point.” On the other hand, we have affirmed in the Church that no person, called and gifted by God, should be denied any role of ministry or leadership in the Church because of one’s gender."

There's Just Something About That Name

A week ago, my youth team and I went for an hour drive together.  In my efforts to be more consistent in my prayer life, I've decided to invite others into it as well.  The more time I spend in prayer, the closer I draw to God.

(Time-spent is my love language (when someone spends time with me, I feel most loved), so it's only fitting that the time I give others is meaningful to me.  I try to be careful with my time- especially since I don't have a lot of it to myself- so when I spend time with someone it's saying a lot about how I feel about that person.  Anyways, I love Jesus (duh!) and I love spending time with Him.  I love that He is always ready and willing to spend time with me too.  I don't have to come in some formal setting or say just the right words.  Often times I say whatever is on my mind... it's probably quite humorous for Him to hear some of my thoughts aloud.)

So last week I asked the team to meet with me.  I didn't give them details other than that we'd be praying together.  We prayed before we left, loaded up in a van, and took off.  The idea was to make a big circle around the church.  I told them that we'd be praying the entire hour and that anyone could speak up whenever they wanted to.  No one was forced to pray, but as we went most took the opportunity to pray for certain towns, school, families, etc.

The whole idea was to claim this area in the name of Jesus and to cover it with prayer.  There is great power in His name, isn't there?  When we claim things in Jesus' name we are claiming who He is... the names of God give us such insight into His character.  1 Corinthians 1:24 says, "But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the power of God and the wisdom of God." (emphasis mine.)  Throughout Scripture we find dozens and dozens of His names... names that people knew Him by because they'd experienced Him personally in those ways.

• ALL IN ALL.......................Colossians 3:11
• ANOINTED ONE.....................Psalm 2:2
• HEAD OF THE BODY.......................Colossians 1:18
• HOLY ONE...............................Acts 2:27
• I AM....................................Exodus 3:14, John 8:58
• REFINER'S FIRE...........................Malachi 3:2
• MIGHTY ONE...............................Isaiah 60:16
• PRINCE OF PEACE..........................Isaiah 9:6
• SAVIOR...................................Luke 2:11
• ALPHA............................Revelation 22:13
• ADONAI......Malachi 1:6  (meaning "Lord", a reference to the Lordship of God.)
• JEHOVAH-JIREH.........Genesis 22:13-14 (meaning "The Lord will provide")
• EL-ELYON..............Genesis 14:17-20,Isaiah 14:13-14 (meaning "The most high God)

The list goes on and on.  He is Greatness and His power is undeniable and unstoppable.  I often think of when the Holy Spirit came at Pentecost and how He came with power and might.  There was no escaping His presence.  Sounds wonderful, doesn't it?  

That's what I want for this place.  I want us to start acting like God is as powerful as He says He is.  I want to see people fall to their knees and cry out to Him.  If we don't cry out to Him... the rocks will!  “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.” - Luke 19:40  I think the rocks have been louder than even the Church lately and I don't like it.

As we drove around South Jersey and prayed for local government and other leaders, schools, churches, individuals, families, jobs, finances, etc, God was present.  There wasn't any awkwardness and it was a beautiful time of worship.  An entire hour of continual, outwardly focused prayer with the body of Christ.  We have already seen some of our prayers answered and I'm so excited to see what else God is going to do.  We will continue to pray and claim this place in Jesus' name.

Worshipping with this Gaither song tonight:

There's Just Something About That Name

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

There's just something about that name

Master, Savior, Jesus

Like the fragrance after the rain

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

Let all heaven and earth proclaim

Kings and kingdoms shall all pass away

But there's something about that name.

In The Secret

I loved a few SonicFlood songs when I was in high school.  One that my worship team did often was In the Secret.  After hearing it and playing it for so many years, it was one of those songs that I outgrew.  It's still not my favorite, but I appreciate it a whole lot more as of late.

This past week I spent an afternoon building my own secret place.  Its only purpose is to serve as a sanctuary... a place that I meet with Jesus, one on one.  It's not a place to host a Bible study or a place to counsel.  It's strictly a place where I go to just be with Jesus.  The idea came early in the week as I desperately wanted to meet with God without any chance of interruption.  I like to verbally process things with Him.  I like to spend time just sitting and listening.  It's hard to do that in my living room where there are crazy animals running around all the time, or even in the church sanctuary as people are in and out constantly. 

This secret place has already gotten lots of use.  As I sat to write my sermon this week, I was able to focus in really well.  Bible study time is so peaceful.  Without the distraction of my phone or the internet (aside from research), my sermon was written quite quickly this week..  My "Jesus room" has rapidly become my new favorite place to spend time.  It's relaxing and freeing.  It's intimate and lovely.  I'm so thankful to Jesus for providing the space and the stuff to fill the space.  Even as it gets colder in that space with the outside temps dropping, I will continue to meet with Him there.

I highly recommend finding space and making it your secret place... a place where you just meet with Jesus.  No distractions.  Just you and Him.  The presence of Jesus brings such peace.  All you need is Him.   

"In the secret, in the quiet place

In the stillness You are there.

In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,

Only for You, 'cause I want to know You more;

I want to know You,

I want to hear Your voice

I want to know You more.

I want to touch You,

I want to see Your face

I want to know You more.

I am reaching for the highest goal,

Then I might receive the prize.

Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more."

The pictures don't do it justice.  It really is lovely.

Unclench

I often have these moments of brilliance (or at least I think they are brilliant), but never write them down.  My blog would be so much more beautiful if I took more time to write about all of the amazing things God shows me.  In the past few weeks I've had lots of these moments, these times when I know I should write something down, but don't because I move onto the next thing so quickly.  I'm very much a verbal processor (obvi) and writing is very therapeutic for me.  I digress.

A little under two weeks ago I spent a long weekend in Nashville at the National Youth Workers Convention.  It was quite a blessing to be a part of it and I took away a lot... actually I feel like I'm still processing some of it.  It was a time of learning AND a time of refreshment.  Traveling with my best friend was a bonus too.  There was one time of worship in particular that stands out in my mind.  David Crowder was leading many well-known songs, and God drew me deeply into His presence.  He held me tight as He told me very real truths about what He's doing and where He's going.  It's an interesting feeling to be in a room with about 3,500 other people, yet feel like it's just you and Jesus.  In His delicate way, the Spirit spoke and enforced some very beautiful truths about God.  It was extremely intimate.  It was also very encouraging and challenging all at the same time.  I could go into more detail and tell more of the power God spoke over me that day, but for now this is enough.  Nashville was wonderfully challenging for a lot of reasons... I've got to sort through it a bit more.

After Nashville came Thanksgiving week.  Things were a bit off because of the weird work week, but it was a lovely little break.  I spent the night at my bff's on Wednesday night... there's something so peaceful about waking up on a holiday and being with family.  I haven't had that a lot this year, but I'm so thankful that she and her family are here now.  It was so comfortable.  We spent the morning in our pjs cooking and hanging out.  Our meal was fantastic and then after the clean-up we just hung out, watched football, and relaxed.  Friday I was without a car, thus without temptation to shop which was really nice.  And then Saturday's Yield service was great!  I wasn't incredibly thrilled with my sermon, but I think that God used it any way.  We had a few new people out and worship flowed very well which was exciting.  I'm so thankful for such wonderful times of worship.  It was nice to be back at youth group Sunday night after a week off.  My students are the greatest and I really feel like they are "getting it," so to speak.

I'm still in a little bit of shock that it's December already.  Birthday Month in upon us.  Chamuka!  The next few weeks are sure to fly by and then I'll be in Chicago with my family and friends.  Just the thought makes me want to cry tears of joy!  However, I have quizzes, exams, and final exams to get through before I can think about that too much.  Ugh.  School has been going well, but it's just so time consuming.  I'll be glad when this semester is over, that's for sure.  I still don't know what next semester holds or even next fall.  We'll see.  I really want to be more focused back in at the church.  I've been working from home a lot and I actually miss my office routine a bit.  Crazy, I know.

Anyways, something that has been rolling around in my head and heart for the last few days is my inability to let some things go.  My whole life, I've never been one to give up on people.  I'm not good at saying goodbye and I'm not good at cutting things loose.  To the point that when my dog died in 7th or 8th grade, my parents had to have the thing cremated because I refused to let the dog go.  I still needed to hold onto her.

I've often thought of this as a strength in many ways.  My core group of friends from high school frequently point out that I'm the glue holding our group together, even still.  I just have this tendency to really work at keeping things/people together.  It hurts too bad to give up.  When I feel a relationship is in danger of being lost, I have this little moment of panic and then I work to change it.  Sure, I have relationships that have changed.  There are people I was once very close with, who I now see once every few years... but in those times, things go right back to where they left off.  So many of my relationships are much more effortless now that we're all busy with families and careers of our own.  It's ok now, in some cases.

But in the here and now, I'm still very much the same.  I cling to things.  The phrase, "if you really love something (or someone), let it (or them) go," has always really irritated me.  In my mind, it's a cop-out to let something or someone go.  I always thought, "if I really love someone, how can I let them go?  I just need to work harder to help them, fix them," or whatever the case may be.  Letting go is painful.  So painful sometimes that I'd rather run far away to cause separation than stay close and let go in proximity.

As I've been meeting with God, He has been showing me some things I need to let go of; things I've been clinging to for dear life.  He's revealed that as I hold them closer, I'm actually doing more harm to them and myself than I am helping in anyway.  That's so hard for me to hear.  I desperately want everyone in my life to be thriving and when they're not, I want to change that.  I feel the pain and heartache of others very deeply and I really consider that a gift from God.  So sometimes when He tells me to let go, I clench my fists and grip harder.

"Do you trust me, dear child?  I can and will work in these situations."  Well, tonight I'm letting go.  It's not a freeing feeling, in fact it's more painful than anything, but I do trust Him.  I write this mostly for myself, to remind me that I laid these things on the alter and I don't have to carry them anymore, they're not mine to pick back up.  "Do you trust me, dear child?"  Yes Lord, I trust You.  When my mind and heart are conflicting and even when they're working together, I trust You, Father.

Philippians 4:4-9 (emphasis mine)

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."

Jesus, help me to unclench, think on these things, and trust You.