Early in my walk with Jesus, I knew He was molding me for something different. He drew me in and started changing my heart. He started an on-going work in me. There's no way to explain it well. I just knew that something was different. I knew I wasn't going to have the cookie-cutter life that most of my friends would have, and that was okay.
Even when I ran from God during my sophomore year of college, His presence was unmistakeable. I didn't see it at the time, but the lessons I learned during that rebellion have helped shape me into who I am now. It's really hard to deny His grace and open arms. It's hard to deny His wonder and might when you're standing at the top of Assisi, looking over the Italian countryside in complete awe as the wind blows the tall grass like waves of the ocean. His beauty always brings me back.
After college when everyone was getting married, moving, and starting their families, I was doing ministry. Aside from some loneliness at times, I was content. It wasn't easy by any means... working in a church is never easy. I slipped into my first full time youth ministry position without any kind of formal training, sometimes grasping at straws, but always trying to depend on God. Sometimes, I tried to do things my way or the way I remembered them from my time in a youth program. However (of course), it was when I would seek God first that things would happen and lives would change.
There was a time in my walk where I was convinced that I was only to partner with others in leadership, to be their support, but not to lead on my own. I wanted that to be true so that the huge responsibility wouldn't fall on me... also so I could stay partnered with those I was working with at the time. It was safe there, but I wasn't trusting God completely by playing it safe. I also had mixed feelings about women in leadership mainly because I was avoiding that role, but also because of people's opinions about it.
Moving to Uganda was a huge leap of faith. For the first 3 months I was there I questioned everything about the decision, but ultimately my faith grew and I had to step up. God was preparing me for even bigger things. Throughout my whole journey God has been preparing me for big things. That isn't to say that the stuff along the way doesn't matter, just that it's been ongoing. I've learned huge things about myself and even bigger things about God as a result of these different tasks I've been assigned.
As I sit in this current role as youth pastor and assistant pastor, I continue to wrestle with some things in my head and heart. This week in a meeting, I was told that I have a very strong presence... that my personality and sense of humor fit well in my current role... that when I stand in the pulpit on Saturday evenings or a random Sunday morning to preach, I speak with a God-given authority. Can I let you in on a little secret? That scares the heck out of me! For a couple of PhD's to tell me that they are under my authority as I lead is incredibly intimidating and VERY humbling. They were affirming much of who I doubt I am or could ever be. It was a long conversation and a lot of silence on my end as I sat and took it all in and processed. There are certain things I have always believed to be true about myself and I've allowed those things to limit me because many of them are not true according to who Christ says I am. Hearing these things from the mouths of others has been so eye-opening, revealing and humbling. (When someone tells you about yourself, do you ever think, "man, I'm not who they think I am?" Well the reality is that you probably are, but you've allowed the evil one to mar your thinking and perceptions.)
So as I've been processing, I've come to a few conclusions. First, women in ministry are not always taken seriously. Throughout my life, I've known some incredibly strong women leaders, including senior pastors, and I've seen many scoff at them. But, it's from some of those women that I've learned to really walk with Jesus and to really and truly love God with every ounce of my being. Second, men don't always know how to handle a woman in leadership. When I first moved here, I went out with a guy who was both intimidated and infuriated that I was an assistant pastor. He was (unnecessarily) intimidated by my relationship with the Lord and my love and knowledge of Him (which is really minuscule, but hopefully always increasing), and infuriated that a woman was in leadership over men (even if the woman had been given the role by God Himself). Needless to say, we only went out the one time. But really, I think it's hard for some men to deal with a woman in leadership. Of course, I'm thinking about a husband's leadership role as head of the family. I have a friend who was engaged to a guy and when she told him she was going to be a preacher and asked him if he could handle that, he said no and they broke up. I agree that men are to be the heads of their households. If they are pointing their family to Christ, it shouldn't matter if their wife is in ministry. Let's be honest, anytime one person in a relationship is in ministry, the other is somehow a part of that... I think that's how it should be. Supporting each other, while being submissive is doable. Third, God will always be shaping and molding me into who He wants me to be. He will ask me to serve in a variety of ways even if I don't feel adequate, because He is more than adequate and He is the one accomplishing the work anyway. He will equip me. He will keep drawing me deeper and deeper into Himself... so that when people look at me, they only see His face. Make it so, Jesus.
I read this on Fuller Theological Seminary's website and I like it so I thought I'd share:
"Women have contributed much to the ministry of the Church
throughout its history. However, their role in this area has never been free
from controversy. Today, most church bodies are discussing the place of women
in their ministries. Crucial to these discussions for many of us are the
matters of faithful biblical interpretation.
Perhaps a few words should be said about the concept of
ministry itself on the basis of the New Testament. Today, we tend to confuse
our specific church traditions about ordination with the biblical concept of
ministry. The New Testament says relatively little about ordination. It clearly
portrays, however, the fact that the early church had a varied and faithful
ministry arising from the fact that all of God’s people were “gifted” by the
Holy Spirit for the purpose of building up one another (see, for example, 1
Corinthians 12:4–31; 14:1–19; Romans 12:3–8; Ephesians 4:7–16; 1 Peter 4:8–11).
Any person could exercise ministry (which means, remember, service) who was
called and gifted by God and affirmed by the body of Christ, the Church. Some
were set apart in leadership positions and some were assigned specific tasks to
accomplish, but the differences among ministries were not distinctions of kind.
Eventually, certain types of affirmation were combined with certain functions
of ministry to produce our current understanding of ordination.
Modern debates over the ordination of women often miss the
crucial and basic issues of the holistic concept of the ministry of the Church
reflected in the New Testament. Of course, no person should be ordained or
given any responsibilities of ministry within the Church because of gender or for
the sake of a “point.” On the other hand, we have affirmed in the Church that
no person, called and gifted by God, should be denied any role of ministry or
leadership in the Church because of one’s gender."
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