Unclench

I often have these moments of brilliance (or at least I think they are brilliant), but never write them down.  My blog would be so much more beautiful if I took more time to write about all of the amazing things God shows me.  In the past few weeks I've had lots of these moments, these times when I know I should write something down, but don't because I move onto the next thing so quickly.  I'm very much a verbal processor (obvi) and writing is very therapeutic for me.  I digress.

A little under two weeks ago I spent a long weekend in Nashville at the National Youth Workers Convention.  It was quite a blessing to be a part of it and I took away a lot... actually I feel like I'm still processing some of it.  It was a time of learning AND a time of refreshment.  Traveling with my best friend was a bonus too.  There was one time of worship in particular that stands out in my mind.  David Crowder was leading many well-known songs, and God drew me deeply into His presence.  He held me tight as He told me very real truths about what He's doing and where He's going.  It's an interesting feeling to be in a room with about 3,500 other people, yet feel like it's just you and Jesus.  In His delicate way, the Spirit spoke and enforced some very beautiful truths about God.  It was extremely intimate.  It was also very encouraging and challenging all at the same time.  I could go into more detail and tell more of the power God spoke over me that day, but for now this is enough.  Nashville was wonderfully challenging for a lot of reasons... I've got to sort through it a bit more.

After Nashville came Thanksgiving week.  Things were a bit off because of the weird work week, but it was a lovely little break.  I spent the night at my bff's on Wednesday night... there's something so peaceful about waking up on a holiday and being with family.  I haven't had that a lot this year, but I'm so thankful that she and her family are here now.  It was so comfortable.  We spent the morning in our pjs cooking and hanging out.  Our meal was fantastic and then after the clean-up we just hung out, watched football, and relaxed.  Friday I was without a car, thus without temptation to shop which was really nice.  And then Saturday's Yield service was great!  I wasn't incredibly thrilled with my sermon, but I think that God used it any way.  We had a few new people out and worship flowed very well which was exciting.  I'm so thankful for such wonderful times of worship.  It was nice to be back at youth group Sunday night after a week off.  My students are the greatest and I really feel like they are "getting it," so to speak.

I'm still in a little bit of shock that it's December already.  Birthday Month in upon us.  Chamuka!  The next few weeks are sure to fly by and then I'll be in Chicago with my family and friends.  Just the thought makes me want to cry tears of joy!  However, I have quizzes, exams, and final exams to get through before I can think about that too much.  Ugh.  School has been going well, but it's just so time consuming.  I'll be glad when this semester is over, that's for sure.  I still don't know what next semester holds or even next fall.  We'll see.  I really want to be more focused back in at the church.  I've been working from home a lot and I actually miss my office routine a bit.  Crazy, I know.

Anyways, something that has been rolling around in my head and heart for the last few days is my inability to let some things go.  My whole life, I've never been one to give up on people.  I'm not good at saying goodbye and I'm not good at cutting things loose.  To the point that when my dog died in 7th or 8th grade, my parents had to have the thing cremated because I refused to let the dog go.  I still needed to hold onto her.

I've often thought of this as a strength in many ways.  My core group of friends from high school frequently point out that I'm the glue holding our group together, even still.  I just have this tendency to really work at keeping things/people together.  It hurts too bad to give up.  When I feel a relationship is in danger of being lost, I have this little moment of panic and then I work to change it.  Sure, I have relationships that have changed.  There are people I was once very close with, who I now see once every few years... but in those times, things go right back to where they left off.  So many of my relationships are much more effortless now that we're all busy with families and careers of our own.  It's ok now, in some cases.

But in the here and now, I'm still very much the same.  I cling to things.  The phrase, "if you really love something (or someone), let it (or them) go," has always really irritated me.  In my mind, it's a cop-out to let something or someone go.  I always thought, "if I really love someone, how can I let them go?  I just need to work harder to help them, fix them," or whatever the case may be.  Letting go is painful.  So painful sometimes that I'd rather run far away to cause separation than stay close and let go in proximity.

As I've been meeting with God, He has been showing me some things I need to let go of; things I've been clinging to for dear life.  He's revealed that as I hold them closer, I'm actually doing more harm to them and myself than I am helping in anyway.  That's so hard for me to hear.  I desperately want everyone in my life to be thriving and when they're not, I want to change that.  I feel the pain and heartache of others very deeply and I really consider that a gift from God.  So sometimes when He tells me to let go, I clench my fists and grip harder.

"Do you trust me, dear child?  I can and will work in these situations."  Well, tonight I'm letting go.  It's not a freeing feeling, in fact it's more painful than anything, but I do trust Him.  I write this mostly for myself, to remind me that I laid these things on the alter and I don't have to carry them anymore, they're not mine to pick back up.  "Do you trust me, dear child?"  Yes Lord, I trust You.  When my mind and heart are conflicting and even when they're working together, I trust You, Father.

Philippians 4:4-9 (emphasis mine)

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."

Jesus, help me to unclench, think on these things, and trust You.