Wait, I say, on the Lord!

A brief update before moving forward:

I did indeed go to the Good Friday service and yes, I even enjoyed it.  Before going I prayed that God would help me with my attitude and help me to simply focus on the word He had for me that day.  Only one time during the service was I disturbed/distracted by something that was said which I felt was contradictory to what I understood about that particular denomination.  For a few seconds I allowed my anger to boil up, but was able to stifle it with God's help and bring myself back into the service.  Over all it was a very good service and I got a lot out of it.  I don't regret going and I wish more people would have come.

Moving on.  My mind has been working over time since last Wednesday.  I met with a woman from church for lunch.  This is a woman that I've seen and hugged nearly every week since moving here, but this was the first time that we sat down to talk one on one.  I so regret that last week was our first hang out.  She's fantastic!  I can honestly say that I've never left a meeting feeling so encouraged in my life.  I'm convinced that her gift of encouragement is straight from God.  We sat and simply started at the beginning... getting to know each other, a bit of our past, and even the desires of our hearts right now.  She was so easy to talk and I absolutely loved hearing her story.  I felt very comfortable sharing with her and she was very gracious in listening.  She said some stuff that has my mind spinning (in a good way).  Often times, God speaks to me through the words and wisdom of others... and He was speaking loud and clear.  Since then, I've been going over and over things in my mind.

I have a very active thought life, as I'm sure most of us do.  My brain doesn't shut down easily or well.  I find myself multitasking constantly.  I don't like to be idle and I'm not good at resting.  This results in being over analytical much of the time.  I allow myself to over-think situations and interactions and spend a lot of time thinking, "I shoulda said this" or "I shoulda said that" or "I shoulda shut my mouth" or "I wish things had gone this way" or "I really want this person to respond a certain way, how can I make that happen?"  It's craziness up there, I tell ya.  

I had been keeping myself and my mind so busy that even focusing on prayer was difficult.  Because I was processing my meeting and conversation with this wonderful woman, I had very much turned inward.  Yesterday during softball practice I was completely zoned out, my mind so far away that I don't even remember getting home.  And then my phone died earlier than usual and instead of rushing to get the charger, I just sat there.  I didn't have the energy to get it.  I knew I didn't want it.  A few people had even pointed out my zoned out look and attitude.  I've been allowing myself to be so busy both physically and mentally that I just needed a break from everything and everyone.  That's pretty abnormal for me because I love to be surrounded by people... and talking... always talking.  I had reached a breaking point and I couldn't move forward until I finished processing our meeting.  I'm not convinced, even still that I've fully processed our conversation... God has given me a lot to think/pray about.  

Mostly right now, God is drawing me into Himself.  I spent some time alone in the sanctuary tonight, playing piano and guitar and just hanging out with God.  His word for me tonight is simple.  "Let me be enough."  Full stop.  The stuff that my mind has been so busily going over is stuff that needs to be out of my control and in God's.  The desires of my heart seem to be screaming loudly these days, but God knows and He is enough.  Even though it's tattooed on my body, sometimes "remain in Me" gets lost in the business of my mind.   I can't seem to master that whole "contentment in the waiting" thing.  Patience.  Ugh.  I'm so thankful that God is patient with me in spite of my impatience with Him sometimes.

"Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"  Psalm 27:14   

Women Ministering?!

A few of the churches in the area get together for special services during the year and do combined, ecumenical worship services.  This year there are only three participating in the Good Friday service, two of which are UM.  The clergy have opted to do a very traditional (kind of Catholic) 3 hour service.  This means they will be covering the last 7 phrases spoken by Jesus as He hung on the cross.  Each preacher will get 15-20 minutes to deliver a message about the phrase that they are covering and songs will be sung in between.  I've never been a part of one of these 3 hour services even though I grew up Roman Catholic.  I doubt my parents would have ever brought us to that long of a mass.  

So anyways, my senior pastor mentioned the service to me and asked me if I would be willing to preach on one of the phrases.  Right away, nerves got the best of me and I hesitated to answer.  I asked a few questions and got more information before agreeing to pray about it.  I would be the only woman who would be speaking that day... and the only one without either an MDiv or a doctorate.  That's intimidating!  A few days passed and I thought and prayed about my participation.  I decided that I would agree to preach.  

The next time I met with my senior pastor was for our staff meeting.  He sighed heavily and said he had some embarrassing news.  My mind raced as I tried to figure out what they could be, but before I let my thoughts get out of control he told me that I would not be allowed to preach on Good Friday.  I didn't think that was embarrassing news, I just figured they'd found someone else and got a response before I gave mine.  I figured wrong.  I would not be allowed to preach because I'm a woman.  Full stop.  

It just so happens that the host church is of a denomination that doesn't allow women to preach.  If the service were to be held at my church or the other UM church, it wouldn't have been an issue.  The senior pastor of the host church said that my preaching would not be well received and that some people might actually leave.  It would end up being more of a distraction than anything else.

My first thought was, ugh, not again.  Being a woman in ministry has it's ups and downs and this particular issue has always been a challenge for me.  I understand the thinking behind that theology, but obviously I don't agree with it.  In Uganda it was a major struggle.  Being a woman AND single, many of my words were ignored, mainly by men.  It's like a different time period in that way, but in other ways, not at all.  I was restricted by my gender a lot and even as recent as this past summer I was told that women should not be allowed in ministry the way that I am... especially since I don't have a husband over me.  This may be a surprise to you, but I don't take comments like that very well (and not just because I'm so independent and sassy).  ;)

If we consider the times in which the scriptures were recorded, we must also consider today's society.  I'm not going to sit here and argue my point right now, but it's something that's been hanging over my head for the past couple of weeks.  It's frustrating to be kept from sharing the Truth.  Shackled by man-made rules.  Not cool.

I think my strong, independent personality gets the best of me sometimes.  I want to be able to do everything on my own.  I don't want to be thought of as weak in anyway.  Lord, help my foolish pride!  Yet on the other hand, I strongly desire to be led by a man; I want/need to be under some authority.  Ah, the life of a single woman.

Relationships

Not surprisingly, I had some interesting conversations this week.  Within the next few weeks I'll probably touch on all of them, but tonight I want to focus on relationships.  It seems like no matter how old you are or where you're at in life, the topic of conversation inevitably heads in that direction.  (I know it's not just a girl thing either... I spend enough time with guys to know that much.)  Of course our conversations go there... we are relational beings.  We were created to be in relationship first with God, and then with one another, so that desire within us is not unhealthy in the least.  

The first time it was brought up this week, I was catching up with a friend on the phone.  This is a guy I served in Uganda with in 2008-2009.  He is a missionary kid who grew up overseas, but more importantly than that, he is a man who loves the Lord with all that he is.  He is a man striving to be like Christ and he's someone who challenges those around him to do the same.  He's also very intentional about what he does and how he treats people.  He's very careful when it comes to his interactions with members of the opposite sex.  I've seldom met others who are so aware of how they care for others.  One of the things I've always admired about him is his openness and willingness to be held accountable.  Part of his time in Uganda was spent working with and being mentored by another missionary family.  They took him under their wing, so to speak, and I believe he learned a LOT about what it means to be a Godly man during his time with this missionary family.

One time he explained to me about "taking keys" from girls and being aware of doing so, thanks to said missionary.  It's just what it sounds like.  Spending time one on one, dating, sharing emotions, etc..  None of those things are bad, but being mindful of the fact that in each interaction, the girl is probably giving away keys to her heart (whether consciously or not).  As he explained it, he gave me examples of times when he knew he took some keys without the intention of keeping them.  Just that simple concept and picture helps prevent him from doing so these days.  

Relationships between single guys and single girls are very tricky.  It's nearly impossible to maintain an opposite sex friendship without one or both people developing feelings.  I know that there are plenty of people who would disagree and say that they have very healthy relationships with their best friend of the opposite gender.  And that may be... for the time being.  Give it a few years.  It's so hard not to develop feelings for someone that you're so open with and someone you spend lots of time with.  This friend of mine has really learned to consider how interactions may be viewed by the other party.  He is now very up front and open about his intentions.  If he doesn't intend to date or "court" a girl, he let's them know.  Maybe that seems a bit harsh, but as a woman I have to say that that is so appreciated and very refreshing.  It really prevents confusion and "heart break" in the long run, instead of stringing someone along so as not to hurt them.  He has really set a standard for men... and I've told him that.  His wife is going to be very lucky because there's no doubt in my mind that he'll treat her like God meant for husbands to treat wives.  

Another time the topic of relationships was brought up was at dinner with some lovely ladies the other night.  We are all at very different points in our journeys when it comes to relationships with men.  It's so interesting to share with each other about our different experiences.  I love chatting with those ladies because we all have very different personalities and preferences, but our desire to have a strong, Godly man, who will be a leader and point us toward Christ is very much the same.

One of the other times it came up was with a group young adults.  (It comes up a lot with them...)  They like to give each other a hard time about girls and tease one another.  They talk a lot about assumptions that they've made about others.  They critique other's relationships, but don't share much about their own.  They are inquisitive about what's appropriate and what's not.  They have certain expectations and demand that those expectations are fulfilled.  Yet their friendships with the same gender seem to be so very solid.

It's just got me thinking these days.  It's so interesting to think about how people interact with one another and how they handle their expectations of others.  I've also been thinking about my own expectations and the kind of man that I am praying for.  I was reading 1 Peter today (well my phone was reading it to me as I got ready... so wonderful) and of course chapter 3 struck a chord with me.  It's not unfamiliar to me, (and I've even struggled with the whole "submissive" thing before because I'm so independent... um, duh) but I heard it in a new way today.  Being submissive so that "if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (1 Peter 3:1-2)  It's the importance of Kingdom work in your own home.  The next thing that struck me was in verse 4 when he talks about "the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."  The whole inner beauty thing isn't new to me, it's the whole concept of a gentle and quiet spirit being of great worth in God's sight.  It goes on to say that this is how holy women who put their hope in God adorn themselves.  

This is the type of woman that I long to be and yet I struggle with it so much because I'm not good at being quiet.  (Again, duh... no surprises there.)  But really, my strong personality and loud opinions, my independent nature, and my fast mouth need to be tamed.  I want to be the type of Godly woman described in this passage and I really want to be a good wife to my husband some day.  My desire is for us to point each other towards Christ, challenge each other, and minister together.

The Battle

Not this past Sunday, but the Sunday before was a really rough day for me.  I struggled to be focused during church and after church, even though I was surrounded by people that I love, I felt really off and just plan grumpy.  Later that day I went to a soccer game of a couple of kids who are really special to me, and even there I was having an internal battle.  Then I got to youth group where the problem within my heart persisted.  It was just a so-so night in my mind, but thankfully God doesn't do anything just so-so.  Thankfully He is the winner in the battle within me.  Satan was doing his best to pull me away from my ministry and to keep my focus completely inward.  Unfortunately, he knows what my heart struggles with; he knows the areas where I'm weakest and he uses them to distract and hinder.  That's kind of how most of the week went for me last week... very back and forth.

The good news is that Christ reigns.  I will never be enough and no matter how hard I try, I'll fail every single time.  I'll never be enough for others and I'll never be enough for me.  Honestly though, I'm so thankful for that.  I'm so thankful to serve a God who is way more than enough.  I'm thankful that I'm not left to do things on my own which will inevitably lead to me royally screwing things up.  I've been walking with God for many years and you'd think I wouldn't struggle with control and self-centeredness any more, but alas my human nature takes over.

Anyways the point is, that this past Sunday was completely different for me.  After a busy, yet relaxing Saturday, I was focused during worship, completely drawn into His presence, surrendered.  Surrounded by the same people as last week, something had shifted within my heart.  And then it came time for youth group after an afternoon of softball and other craziness.

I went over to the church and glanced at my lesson before kids started coming.  When the junior highers arrived, we took advantage of the nice weather and played frisbee outside before coming in and being focused for the lesson.  After the lesson the high school students began showing up for our combined dinner.  We ate, laughed, and simply enjoyed each other until it was time for the jr high kids to leave and for high school time to officially start.  The high school students really enjoy playing 4 square, so we drew up a court in the parking lot and played a very competitive 30 minute game.  I always love game time with the older kids because they get so intense.  I happen to be extremely competitive, so it's a nice release for me too.  :)  

It finally got too dark to continue so we went in for our lesson. We had more than enough time, so I figured we would do the lesson and then have time to chat and exchange stories like always.  As I started teaching the lesson, God really started prompting me to go deeper than I had planned.  My short 15 minute lesson turned into a 20 minute sermon with an activity at the end.  The amazing part about it was that the kids stayed really focused.  I didn't have to keep bringing them back... they were present and very thoughtful (or so it appeared).  During the activity I could see their brains working... I could see them drawing conclusions and reasoning.  It was so encouraging and also so helpful for me, as I now have a better understanding of where they're at.  We ended up going a few minutes past our normal ending time, but it didn't even matter.  I was so encouraged by their level of focus, their honesty, and their vulnerability.  It was also very humbling because I know without a shadow of a doubt that the words were not my own, that nothing I had planned was as important as what the Holy Spirit got across to the students.  

I'm so thankful.  And I just love my kids.  I love getting to know them, feeling free to joke with them, but more importantly, feeling free to challenge them.  What an honor to serve in this capacity.  The icing on the cake is our young adult ministry.  I am blessed to spend a lot of time with an amazing group of 20 somethings who are really hungry for God's word and for the truth.  Today I drove one of them back to school and was just amazed to hear how God is working in his life.  The conversation flowed freely and really revealed to me how to focus this young adult ministry.  I'm just so excited right now.  

God is moving even when I'm standing still.  God doesn't quit on me even when I sometimes quit on Him.  So grateful. 

I was hanging out in Hebrews today.  Here's a link to the 10th chapter.  I encourage you to spend some time there.

I Miss...

Today is International Women's Day.  Not many people in America celebrate it... in fact most don't even know it exists, but it's a wonderful day!  (of course, I may be a bit biased.)  As I scrolled down my facebook newsfeed today I have had the joy of seeing many beautiful pictures from a particular celebration in Uganda today.  It's a celebration that I had the honor of being a part of in 2011.  We had 50 women that year with about 5 countries represented.  This link will bring you to my blog post from that day with lots of details and a few pictures.  This year, only 2 years later, there were nearly 150 women present!!  Praise the Lord!  I don't know who preached or what the program looked like, but I can tell by the pictures that everyone had an amazing time and were blessed by one another's presence.  It's amazingly beautiful to see people from very different cultures (who wouldn't normally interact) interacting peacefully and loving on one another.

Seeing the pictures being posted today, my mind is flooded with memories of my time in Uganda.  I ache to be there on days like today.  On top of seeing all of the pictures, I got a phone call from a dear African friend yesterday, and today when I got home from work and checked the mail I had a package from my dear friend who has just moved to Uganda this week.  She sent me Ugandan beads.  Yes, I have lots of jewelry from my time there, but this was special because they're Uganda colors... and they're some of her favorites.  How utterly selfless.  I find myself jealous of the fact that she now lives there full time.  Uganda is her home now.  While I know without a doubt that God has asked me to be here in Jersey and to settle down, that doesn't mean that I don't miss my African home.

I miss the smiles of my refugee students and their always-warm greetings and welcomes.  I miss their hugs and their laughter.  I miss being silly with them and trying to explain things in English, using wild hand gestures and lots of movement.  I miss their determination and their love for one another in spite of many differences.  I miss the level of acceptance found at the Center of Hope.  I miss being welcomed into their homes, treated their like family, and surrounded by their love.  I miss the selfless nature and the absolute hope.  I even miss the hard times and times of uncertainty.  I miss showing up to class on time, knowing I'd have to wait at least 20 minutes for everyone to show up so I could start.  Even though I don't enjoy dancing in the least, I miss dancing with them.  I miss hearing their voices singing, ever so quietly, in worship on Wednesdays.  I miss the teasing that always ensued.  I miss playing volleyball, basketball, and soccer and laughing with the ladies as they did their best to improve their skills.  I miss their willingness to hold my (almost always) sweaty hands as we walked down the road or prayed.  

I miss the smells... trash, animals, diesel fuel-vehicles, people, rain, flowers, Lake Victoria, and MANY others.  I miss the sounds... cows, chickens, goats, dogs, horns honking, bodas flying by, birds laughing and chirping, raucous music, laughter, children playing, people working... and the list could go on.  I miss the sights, both the under and overwhelming ones.  I miss walking in the hot sun, trying to fit under tiny slices of shade as I go.  I miss the heartfelt greetings and the slowness of life.  I miss matooke and g-nut sauce, rice and beans, and especially the pineapples and mangos.  I miss the constant presence of baby animals.  I miss the freshness of the air and the indescribable beauty of the land.  I miss the burnt orange, dust roads... and having to wash my feet every night before bed.  I miss the vivid colors and fragrances of the flowers.  I miss the sun rising over Lake Victoria, signaling a new day.  I miss hearing church go on for hours and hours and hours all around the city every Sunday, and seeing people wear the best piece of clothing that they owned to honor God.  I miss Swahili.  I miss the desperation of actual need... and seeing the joy as it's fulfilled.  I miss holding baby "E" in my arms, kissing him, making him smile and laugh like no one else could, changing his diapers, feeding him dinner, loving him.  I miss all of the days spent at Loving Hearts Babies home.  I miss learning more and more about the many cultures I was surrounded by.  I miss long walks with God through the hills of Kampala.  I miss the Sudanese guys' stories and laughter. I miss wearing a skirt whenever I wanted to.  I miss $8 pedicures... especially since feet get so nasty.  I miss being called Mzungu and hearing lots of different languages every single day.  I miss the genius and resourcefulness of the people.  I even miss the constant frizz-ball that is my hair in Africa... and not caring so much about it.  I miss the acceptance and openness exuding from all around.

I could go on and on, but I'll spare you.  My love for East Africa will never fade in the least.  More importantly, my love for Jesus continues to grow.  I pray that He gives me His eyes, hands, feet, and heart as I continue to try to serve Him... and that He continually expands my love for His Bride, no matter what She looks like or where She's at.

I took the following video from the back of a boda (motorcycle) on my way home from town one day.  It's quite shaky and rather long, but it gives a good picture of my surroundings and such.

A Concert and My Best

Chamuka!  This is my 200th post on this blog!

When I heard that Chris Tomlin was going to be on tour and coming to a city near me, I expressed interest in going to the show.  My lovely friend, Allan was gracious enough to "surprise" me with tickets.  So this past Friday evening we mini-road-tripped it to Baltimore for the show.  A few things you may or may not know about me... I love "surprises", I love road trips (no matter how short or long), I love worshipping God, I love adventure, I love music, and I love good conversation and good company.  So was Friday a good day?  Um, yeah!

What made it even more exciting was that I had never been to two of the States that we went through!  I love seeing and experiencing new places.  Not that Delaware is much of an experience.  (Wayne's World, anyone?  "Hi, I'm in Delaware.")  Never having been to Maryland, I was pretty excited to see Baltimore.  It's really small, but it was cool to see Camden Yards.  We were supposed to get dinner at the harbor, but I was late getting ready because I had subbed that morning, so we didn't have time.  I'd like to go back and actually explore a bit more.  I hear there's an awesome aquarium too.  Sounds like it's worth another trip.  :)

Anyway, the concert was a huge blessing to me.  I had never seen Chris Tomlin live before.  I wasn't completely blown away by the musicianship, but I loved the passion behind the music.  It was very clear that he loves to worship God and it was easy to worship with the 10,000 other people raising their hands in praise.  He played a decent variety and of course played the well known ones, making the worship experience even that much better.  There are only a few songs that have the ability to draw tears from my eyes and he happened to play one of them.  The feeling of absolute awe overwhelms me every time and I can't help but raise my hands to God.  So good.  Our drive home was fast... Baltimore is much closer than I thought.  I thoroughly enjoyed our mini road trip and I'm thankful for Allan.

The next day, Saturday, the praise team and I spent about 3.5 hours practicing for this Friday's worship night.  I'm really looking forward to an evening of worship music and scripture... a time to rest with God and exalt His name.  In Uganda I was a part of a worship studio called Studio_10 and we frequently did worship nights... they were always a blessing.  Music calms my soul, quites my mind, and allows me to be focused on Jesus.  I find that I can push all other things aside when I'm playing/singing for Him.  So, I'm really excited to start doing worship nights here.  The other musicians that I play with are all pretty amazing at what they do.  It's a privilege and an honor to play/sing with such talent... especially because they love worshiping God too.  They're all able to play multiple instruments too... so this Friday we are all playing at least two different instruments.  I'm praying for God to be glorified by the use of the talents that He's given us.  "He must become greater; I must become less."  Wise words, John the Baptist! 

Anyways, Piper and I walk about 4 miles everyday and today on our walk I made it a point to stay off my phone and just enjoy the walk.  With my iPod on shuffle, blaring in my ears, it was the perfect day for a long walk.  We were about a half mile from home when an old Foo Fighters song came on.  It's from the early 2000's and was one of the band's most popular songs.  Let's be real, if I recognize it from when it came out, it must have been being played on a top 40 station.  Admittedly, at the time of the song's release I was far from being a Foo Fighters fan, but recently I've been introduced to them and I'm really enjoying myself so far.  

The song struck me today for a few reasons.  Mostly because even though I know the lyrics are about breaking away from things that are confining and not allow others to have power over you, that's not how I heard them today.  Today I heard God asking me who I am giving my best to.  (Yes, God does speak through songs that aren't written by Chris Tomlin, Hillsong, or even a Wesley, believe it or not.)  ;)  I have a tendency to people please... probably more than I should, but God was asking if I desired to give Him my best, and not just those around me.  Am I willing to work hard on our relationship, not just my relationships with others?  A huge part of my job is spending time building relationships with the congregation and that's one of the areas that I believe God has gifted me in.  (It's one of the reasons I feel led to get my Masters in counseling.)

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship."  Romans 12:1 (NIV)

"Jesus replied, 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'"  Matthew 22:37 (NIV)

"Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.  The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them."  John 14:21 (NIV)

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving."  Colossians 3:23-24 (NIV)

God, help me to give You my best.  Forgive me for giving You less than that some times.  You alone are worthy.  Amen.

Into His Mercy and Grace

This is my short little entry from the daily devotional for Lent book at church:

"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. ¹⁵ This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.” Hebrews 4:14-16

The God of the universe, Creator of all, the great I AM invites each of us to approach the throne with boldness.  The first time I read that I was amazed and yet somehow puzzled.  How could I, the worst of all sinners, approach God’s throne - and with boldness at that?  How assumingly audacious! 

I always imagined myself standing before God, but with my head tilted down, eyes on my feet, unable to look into His face because I’m so unworthy.  But through the years as I’ve walked closely with the Lord and studied this scripture more deeply, I’ve come to realize that it is because of Christ’s life, death, and resurrection that I can approach the throne.  But not just approach the throne, approach it courageously because His throne is a throne of grace, and our High Priest, Jesus, sits at His right hand interceding for us. 

So do you hear Him?  He’s beckoning you into His presence.  Calling you into his mercy and grace.  His arms are outstretched, patiently waiting.  Are you quiet enough to hear?

Can you see Him?  A Father who kneels down so His child can reach up and embrace Him?  Strength and power like no other, yet tender and soothing… a comforter.  There is peace in His presence.  Do you trust Him? 

Thank you Lord, that you call us into Your presence and you ask us to come just as we are.  Loving Father, help us to have child-like faith to trust You as we sink ever more deeply into your arms and rest in You.