Relinquishing

I'm really missing Uganda tonight.  It's really not much different from any other night aside from the fact that I actually have some time to myself thanks to a canceled meeting.  Time to myself means I get to clean a little.  I love to clean, it's somehow therapeutic for me.  I was dusting the bookshelf in the living-room when things got nostalgic.   Two of the shelves are dedicated to African stuff.  Like a child being made to clean their room, I stopped to "play" with my stuff.  Looking through some pictures and holding gifts from precious friends allowed me to travel "home" for just a few minutes.  The intense heat of the sun beating down on my head as I walk along the busy orange-rust colored dirt roads.  Cars and bodas speeding by, people walking, riding, laughing, talking, children playing, birds making monkey-like sounds, animals roaming and grazing.  Vividly colored foliage dancing in the sun and slight breeze.  The aroma of diesel vehicles, animals, chapati being fried, and trash, all mixed with fresh, pure air.  A sweet gift from Jesus.  Smiles like the mid-day sun.  People working hard both to survive and to thrive.  Climbing to the top of the quarry to gaze over the calm water of Lake Victoria on one side and the city on the other.  What I wouldn't give to sit at the top of the hill tonight where stars and constellations from both hemispheres shine, uninterrupted by too much electricity.  Who needs it when the moon is more than sufficient?

The sound of Piper chasing the cat brought me back to reality.  There was no sadness this time, just longing.  Along with longing came excitement and relief.  Excitement to be where I am; relief that this really is home and I'm happy with that.  I don't think the longing will ever go away... when your heart is divided like mine is, it's impossible to ignore.  But it becomes okay because being obedient to God is much greater than anything this world has to offer, even better than my beloved Uganda.  I delight in His goodness... which I get to see more and more of as I relinquish control and rest in Him.  Relinquishing control is far from easy for me (though I doubt that's uncommon for many people), but when it's done it always results in God being glorified.  As I seek to be a Godly woman, this must become more of a part of who I am.  My human nature must fade.  

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.  When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness."  Proverbs 31:25-26

I recorded part of a boda ride from downtown Kampala to where I was staying.  This isn't the whole journey and it hardly captures anything I just described, but it's still fun for me to watch and relive a little bit.  It's enough for me tonight.

Heaven Rejoices

In my last post I mentioned that the reason for the prayer stations was that I had an important lesson that I wanted to make sure most all of the kids heard.  Well, this past Friday night we had a lock-in and nearly all of my kids were there so I went ahead with the lesson I had been praying about for weeks.  After a couple hours of organized, messy, and gross games we headed up to the sanctuary for a time of worship.  I'm so thankful that my friend Allan (one of the parents) was there and agreed to play guitar.  We played a few "fan favorites" and then dove into the lesson.  The focus was on Jesus as Savior.  We read through John's account of Jesus' arrest and crucifixion in the form of a script.  A few of the kids had "main roles" while the rest of us read for the crowd.  I think it really got their attention.

When it came time to pray, I knew I needed to offer to pray with students who were interested in knowing Jesus as their personal Savior.  Instead of calling kids out and forcing emotion, I simply asked everyone to close their eyes, asked if anyone was interested in knowing Jesus personally, and then invited them to pray with me.  A couple of students raised their hands to indicate that they would be praying to confess Christ.  It was all I could do to keep from crying when I saw their faces after we prayed.  Without pointing fingers, I told the kids that heaven was having a party because souls had been saved.  We played a couple more songs and then ended just in time to start making a midnight snack.

I'm not sure that the kids actually understood what I was saying about heaven rejoicing, but I know the angels were rejoicing at the sound of a few more names being written in the book of life.  They're young, but not too young to begin walking with Him daily.  I'm so thrilled at the Holy Spirit's prompting.  All glory to God for these new family members!  It never ceases to excite me.

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."  Luke 15:10

Much time has been spent over the last year and a half bringing one of these kids in particular before the Lord... and I just can't contain my joy right now!  She is incredibly important to me and holds a special piece of my heart.  In fact, I met with her tonight for dinner to follow up, one on one, with the decision she made.  I feel so honored to be a part of her life, especially at such a time as this.  The Spirit has led and enabled me to pursue these kids.  It was wonderful to chat with her about why she made the decision and it's clear that He was drawing her into Himself.  I love my job!  To sit across from a student who has just come to know Jesus and tell them I am so excited and that I'm so proud of them and that I love them so much is one of the coolest things ever.  Thanks Jesus.

Would you join me in praying for each one?  Pray also for a willingness to be discipled and for Jesus to always be the center of each encounter I have with each one.  Discipling is key and I never want to grow weary.  I had a really amazing youth pastor who walked with me.  It's my desire to do the same with these kids.  I need Jesus' help.

Much Needed Butt-Kicking

Last week before youth group, I texted the students to find out how many would be there.  I don't normally do that, but the lesson I had planned was one that I really wanted all of the kids to hear.  It turned out that not as many were able to make it, so I made the last minute decision to hold off on that lesson.   Instead, I set up prayer stations and we took the night to focus on prayer.  Luckily my youth room is very conducive for such an activity.  I was only without one item, so I ran to the store and finished setting up right before they got there.

There were 5 stations set up, each with candles and a paper explaining what to do or what to focus on.  One station was set up right below my world map.  The focus of that station was to pray for the nations... for the gospel to reach to the ends of the earth, for healing, for provision, etc.  The next station, at the coffee table was called idol worship.  I had Play-Doh available and the idea was to ask the Lord what idols they had in their lives, what things were keeping them from being fully engaged in their relationships with Him, and then form those things with the Play-Doh and then smash them.  The next station was set up in front of a full length mirror.  There they were to reflect on how God sees them, the fact that they are created in His image, and to thank Him for His love for them.  The next station was for them to reflect on their journeys with God.  They had paper and crayons to draw, write, or somehow symbolize their faith journey.  And the last station was a confession station.  They were provided with a pencil, paper, and a paper shredder.  They were invited to confess anything they needed to, ask for forgiveness, and then put it in the shredder.

When the junior high students arrived, I directed them to a room down the hall, not wanting them to enter the youth room just yet.  There we played games for a little bit before being briefed about the prayer stations.  Then I gave a brief little speech on prayer, it's importance, and Jesus' model of it, and then explained the activity they would be participating in.  I told them that they would be at each station for at least 5 minutes, but would be able to stay longer if they wanted to.  We headed down to the room, I went over each station, we prayed together, and then began.  The regular fluorescent lights were off, the room lighted by white Christmas lights, a lamp, and the candles at each station.  Worship music was softly playing.  It was an amazingly peaceful atmosphere.  I had explained to them that I would be available if they wanted someone to pray with them, so I took a seat off to the side, not participating in the stations, but staying available to them, all the while praying for each one at each station they went to.  It was such an intimate time with the Lord.   Seeing the leaders and kids so focused and so vulnerable was beautiful.  I loved being able to pray for every person in that room.  What an amazing privilege!  They did a great job of participating and they were all very respectful and quiet.  When every person had completed every station we circled up, prayed together, and then left the youth room.
We went back down the hall, ate snacks, and hung out until their parents came.  The high schoolers arrived by that time.  We got started a bit late, so we skipped playing a game and I went right into my mini lesson on prayer and explained the stations.  I had planned on doing the stations with the high school students because there are usually less of them.  When we entered the youth room, again it felt like we were standing on holy ground.  As I made my way through each station, I fell more and more in love with Jesus.  My heart was prepared for each station before I got there and I was still moved by the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I can only hope that each one who participated felt that same way.

After youth group I was still very pensive and wanted to spend more time reflecting, but I had a meeting scheduled so I had to switch gears.  Rarely in my life have I had such an honest meeting with another person.  I met with a woman to ask her to mentor me.  I have plenty of areas in my life where I need my butt kicked, but more than that I know just how important it is to meet with a wise, mature, faithful woman of God to be encouraged and challenged.  I've always been an advocate of mentoring, but I haven't made much of an effort to find a mentor here yet because of said areas of needed butt-kicking.  With my leadership roles expanding and becoming more challenging, I know its essential that I am mentored.  I want to be pleasing to God in every single thing I do.  I've also recently been asked by a few different youth kids if I would mentor and counsel them one on one and I want to be at my best for them.

So anyways, during our conversation she asked me exactly what my expectations were and we talked about what our weekly meetings would look like.  We went over just a couple of areas that I want to work on with her.  She did most of the talking and asked a lot of questions.  This is a woman I have a lot of respect for and maybe its because I'm somehow intimidated by her, but I found myself at a loss for words a lot during our convo.  In all of what she said, one of the things that has stuck out to me was this, "I have no need to compliment you and I will never lie to you."  This was in reference to some statements that she made about me that I didn't believe to be true.  It was eye opening and even a bit convicting.  Eye opening because apparently I don't see myself at all in the same way that others do; convicting because I don't always believe I am who God says I am.  Hearing some of the things that she has observed about me over the last year and a half was not easy.  Not that any of them were bad, but I clearly have a skewed view.  This is a woman I've only had conversations with in larger group meetings.  I don't know her well at all and she doesn't know me.

We ended our meeting with prayer and a plan.  Honestly, I'm nervous, but one of the reasons I knew I was supposed to ask this particular person to be my mentor was to step outside my comfort zone and stop making excuses for myself.  I can't say enough how important I think it is that every single person be mentored by a more mature member of the Body of Christ.

I encourage you to read this passage tonight.

Titus 2:2-8, 11-15 (NLT)

2 Teach the older men to exercise self-control, to be worthy of respect, and to live wisely. They must have sound faith and be filled with love and patience.

3 Similarly, teach the older women to live in a way that honors God. They must not slander others or be heavy drinkers. Instead, they should teach others what is good. 4 These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, 5 to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.

6 In the same way, encourage the young men to live wisely. 7 And you yourself must be an example to them by doing good works of every kind. Let everything you do reflect the integrity and seriousness of your teaching. 8 Teach the truth so that your teaching can’t be criticized. Then those who oppose us will be ashamed and have nothing bad to say about us.

11 For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. 12 And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. We should live in this evil world with wisdom, righteousness, and devotion to God, 13 while we look forward with hope to that wonderful day when the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, will be revealed. 14 He gave his life to free us from every kind of sin, to cleanse us, and to make us his very own people, totally committed to doing good deeds.
15 You must teach these things and encourage the believers to do them. You have the authority to correct them when necessary, so don’t let anyone disregard what you say.

Engagement Rings

While working at my first youth ministry job, I was also working full time at a Christian bookstore.  The bookstore was right near a Jared's Jewelry place and my sister asked me to get her ring cleaned one day on my lunch break or after work.  I was delighted to put the ring on and walk around all day as though it was my own.  I felt different.  I felt like people treated me differently when they thought I was engaged/married.  I loved looking at my hand... it looked so beautiful with that big ol' rock on it.  I was sad to have to give it back to her.  I liked the way it made me feel.

A couple of years later, I was a bridesmaid for yet another wedding (and feeling sorry for myself) so I asked my mom if I could wear one of her diamond rings to the wedding and reception.  She agreed and again, I loved donning that beauty all night.  Of course, people took notice and I loved the attention.  What girl wouldn't right?  It looked gorgeous.  My nails, hair, and makeup were done beautifully and the ring was the icing.  

BFF's relived to be wearing flip flops!

You can't see the ring in this picture,
but I really like it anyways.
Carley was a beautiful bride!

In recent years, I've come to realize that a big diamond ring is just not for me.  It would be way too much of a distraction and I know it would become a real pride issue with me.  I don't like stuff.  I don't like allowing material possessions to have any kind of control in my life.  A simple wedding band would be more than enough because a marriage is not about a ring.  

So where did this come from?  As I scrolled through my fb newsfeed, a professor I had during my undergrad had posted this article.  I thought it was well written and a beautifully sad reminder.  It's encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who doesn't feel the need for a beautiful diamond... though there's nothing wrong with those who do.  No judgment intended.  And now... I must sleep.

A Gift From Jesus

Last Wednesday I was driving home from watching a youth kid's volleyball game when I felt the need to call one of the Sudanese guys I worked with in Uganda.  Lino's been living in the States for a while now, but I've been terrible at keeping in touch for nearly 6 months now and out of no where (well not no where, but from Jesus) I felt prompted to reach out.  He actually answered which is a miracle itself and we chatted for a long time.  It's always fun to catch up with him, though he seems to stay pretty much the same these days.  I've been missing Uganda a lot these days and really want to go back... just for a week or two to visit for now.  It would definitely do my heart and soul some good.  Lino mentioned that his adopted mom, Shelah was in the States visiting a friend near Philly.  As soon as I hung up with Lino, I sent Shelah a message on the off chance that maybe I'd get to see her for the first time in nearly two years.  I've been so out of touch with Shelah and her family that she didn't even realize I was living in New Jersey, but it turns out that she was staying in DE with a friend and was looking for a ride to the airport for today.  Jesus?  I think yes.  I'm off on Mondays and she was only about 30 minutes from me!  Who know?  I was so excited to be able to see her until...

I got sick... really for the first time since moving here a year and a half ago.  Of course I've had a few random fevers and a couple of little tummy aches, but nothing that laid me out.  I try to take lots of vitamins.  When I'm around sick people I just try to keep a bit of a distance.  I was sick a lot as a child (ear tubes until I was 22) so you'd think I'd have lots of antibodies, but somehow once in a while I still manage to catch something.  It started Saturday night.  After the Yield service, my throat was a blazin', but I just figured it was from singing and preaching.  Not so.  I didn't sleep much on Saturday night because I couldn't swallow well.  Sunday I had a planned event with the youth and didn't want to cancel it at the last minute so we went to a corn maze and played outside all day.  By the time I got home, I was down for the count.  Fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose.  Special isn't it?

I sent Shelah a message letting her know in case she wasn't comfortable being around a sicky, especially when traveling internationally.  She called to let me know she didn't care, but wanted to make sure it was still ok with me since I wasn't feeling well.  I went to bed really early last night and even though I didn't sleep well, I got some good rest and spent time praying.  When I woke up I felt a bit better... not as stuffy, less of a cough, but still with the sore throat.  From the time I picked her up at 9:30am until the time I dropped her at the airport this afternoon, I felt about 70% better!  A little gift from Jesus, I believe.  When I got home I started right back with the coughing and runny nose.  Crazy, right?  Well worth it.

Both years that I served in Uganda, I spent much of my time with Shelah, her family, and working with their organization.  They were very much like my second family- celebrating my birthday, movie nights, volleyball and other games (cheating at Uno), inviting me for Christmas, dinners, etc..  I love their two girls and enjoyed spending time with them, especially because I was away from my nieces (they are nearly the same ages).  The Ackers were an amazing blessing in my life and I've missed them dearly.  I spent New Years ('11-'12) with them in Alabama and I haven't seen them since because of my schedule and lack of proximity to their "home base" when in the States.

Sitting and talking with Shelah for hours today was the most refreshing experience I've had in a long time.  When my heart aches for Uganda, she understands why.  She told me story after story of my loved ones there and caught me up on their lives.  So many things have happened and so many lives have been changed.  I got to hear about her family and my Sudanese brothers.  I got to hear about many of my former students and many others that I love.  She felt like she was going on and on, but I couldn't hear enough about the people and place that I love so much.

The biggest joy of the day was when she told me that some of my former students at the refugee center have converted.  (I can't give more details than that for their protection.)  I spent hours and hours with them, prayed for them, laughed with them, cried with them, heard their stories, told them about Jesus, lead worship and a Book study for them, and was made a part of their family.  When she told me of their conversion, I couldn't keep the tears from coming.  I can't even imagine the amount of rejoicing in Heaven that day!  Praise be to God forever and ever.

Today would not have happened if the Holy Spirit hadn't prompted me to call Lino.  I only got to spend about 4 hours with Shelah, but it was as if no time had passed.  I finally feel free, really free from some things and reenergized to connect with people again.  It's been so long since I've put any energy into staying in good contact because it's been too painful, but hopefully that will change now.

I feel like today was a special gift from the Lord, piles of tissues and all.  My head might be pounding and I've sneezed about 800 times, but I would do it over and over again if I could, as cheesy as that sounds.  I'm just so grateful tonight.

"It's going to be good, Beloved"

"It's going to be good, Beloved."  These are the words my Savior spoke directly to me just over a week ago.  I was up at Delanco camp, a place I both love and struggle with, when I heard those words loud and clear.  I had found a moment of peace amongst the crazy and was standing out on the party deck.  The weather was beautiful despite the predictions of wet conditions for the entire weekend and I couldn't help but worship the Lord and thank Him for the beauty of His creation.  The water was calm, the sun shining, the fish jumping, and the leaves falling ever so gently.  It was a very sweet, very private moment between me and Jesus.  He had my attention, my full attention.  My focus couldn't waiver in that moment.

"It's going to be good, Beloved."  I love it when He calls me beloved.  It's such a sweet term of endearment and it reinforces the fact that I'm His.  Simply amazing, isn't it?  The God of the universe, Creator of all, the Great I AM claims me as His own.  Not only that, He knows me intimately and cares for me.  He calls me beloved.  Me, the worst of all sinners, beloved.

"It's going to be good, Beloved."  I've been bringing Him plenty of situations, pleading on my behalf and on the behalf of others.  I'm consumed by work and school and I just keep adding to my list of responsibilities.  I feel so inadequate most of the time.  His words to me, at just the right time brought comfort and peace.  I don't know exactly which situation, condition, or feeling His word was referring to... maybe all of them, but I don't need to know.  Anything His hand is in is good.  I trust Him and I think He was reminding me to keep doing so.  

"It's going to be good, Beloved."  Doesn't that just melt your heart?  Praise be to God.

Aside from the privilege of of hearing those words, camp was pretty good.  My lesson went well and I think many of the kids went away desiring to know God deeper by exploring His many names.  I was pleased with their openness a really loved getting to know a handful of new kids.  During the afternoon of free time on Saturday I focused on just being with the kids.  We fished, boated, wandered around, chatted, and laughed... a lot!  Most of the staff decided to play their own game of volleyball (which I would have loved to do seeing as though it's my favorite sport to play), but I really felt like it was more important to just be with the kids since we had such a limited amount of time with them.  

I headed home that evening because I knew I needed to be at my church on Sunday morning.  It was the last Sunday of the same schedule with the worship team playing at the early service and the last Sunday before my senior pastor would be away for 4-6 weeks with a knee replacement.  Being at home with my church family was a must in my heart.  Right after the first service, I headed back up to camp to finish off the weekend with my youth.  

With camp finished, my focus turned toward Yield.  Yield is the new contemporary service we're offering on Saturdays at 4:30.  This service has been in the works for over a year, but has really been a focus for me for the last few months.  We have worked really hard to come up with a format and style, a logo, advertising, and a whole bunch of other stuff to make this service work.  

This past Saturday was our inaugural service and it went very well.  A few of us spent many hours this past week making sure that things would run smoothly and it really paid off.  I get to bring the sermon message each week which is exciting.  That's one of those areas that I feel so inadequate in, but Jesus is enough so I'll continue to trust Him.  Now that I have the first service under my belt, seminary doesn't seem like such a bad idea.  :)  The best part about the whole service, in my opinion, is that it was all about God.  It wasn't about my abilities, inabilities, strengths, or weaknesses but about the way that God was moving and working.  People were relaxed, laughing, worshipping freely, and really enjoying themselves.  It felt like home; the Body of Christ united.  So grateful to Jesus.  I'm really looking forward to seeing this service grow and morph.  I believe the Lord is using this ministry to further His kingdom.

Anyways, school is very time consuming these days.  Each week I have either 2 papers, two quizzes, or exams.  The material is really important to grasp, especially for when I start my masters course.  Somehow I'm making it.  Sleep is scarce, but as long as I continue to get A's on everything, I'm ok with that.  

So each week is full of school, youth stuff, young adult ministry, sermonizing, organizing, building relationships, meetings, and trying to keep up my house and animals.  I'm feeling very blessed.  

Here's a song I've been loving these days.  Oceans by Hillsong United.

Striving

Sleep eludes me.  I'm busy with work and school and my mind is reeling with the thoughts of the future.  Jesus keeps reminding me that He is enough and that's when rest comes... when I trust in that.  I've found myself at the foot of the cross a lot in the last few weeks, both literally and figuratively, and it's the only place I find peace.  When I just want to sing of His goodness, He meets me there.  When I want to complain, He listens.  When things are complicated, Jesus knows.  When my heart is shattered and my body is broken and sick, He heals.  When I've got nothing left within me, He fills me up.  When my immaturity and fiery mouth/temper run wild, He reins me back in.  It feels child-like sometimes to be curled up, sitting before Him, but then I remember just how much He loves the little ones... how He says they belong in His Kingdom.  I want that.  There's nothing more peaceful than Jesus calling you "little one" and cradling you in His arms of love.

Jesus keeps saying to me over and over, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30  

So I go and I sit.  I listen.  I express the desires of my heart.  He's not finished with me yet, He reminds me of this as I dwell on my imperfections.  Thanks, Lord.  I'm striving and though I'm not a wife yet, this is the type of woman I long to be:

 "Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?

    She is more precious than rubies.

 Her husband can trust her,

    and she will greatly enrich his life.

 She brings him good, not harm,

    all the days of her life.

 She finds wool and flax

    and busily spins it.

 She is like a merchant’s ship,

    bringing her food from afar.

 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household

    and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.

 She goes to inspect a field and buys it;

    with her earnings she plants a vineyard.

 She is energetic and strong,

    a hard worker

 She makes sure her dealings are profitable;

    her lamp burns late into the night.

 Her hands are busy spinning thread,

    her fingers twisting fiber.

 She extends a helping hand to the poor

    and opens her arms to the needy.

 She has no fear of winter for her household,

    for everyone has warm clothes.

 She makes her own bedspreads.

    She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.

 Her husband is well known at the city gates,

    where he sits with the other civic leaders.

 She makes belted linen garments

    and sashes to sell to the merchants.

 She is clothed with strength and dignity,

    and she laughs without fear of the future.

 When she speaks, her words are wise,

    and she gives instructions with kindness.

 She carefully watches everything in her household

    and suffers nothing from laziness.

 Her children stand and bless her.

    Her husband praises her:

 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,

    but you surpass them all!”

 Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;

    but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.

 Reward her for all she has done.

    Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.

-Proverbs 31 (emphasis mine)