In Other News...

Yeah, I know.  It's been over a month.  I've had some demand for a new blog post for a while, but writing (one of my favorite things to do) has not been high on my priority list lately.  At this point I feel like I have so much to write about that I don't even know where to begin.  So an update will have to suffice for now...

August flew by into September in such a way that most of it is almost dream-like to me.  Fall programming has started which means my schedule has kicked it into high-gear, as they say.  August ended with a trip to Delanco camp to lead worship for their Camp Meeting.  Three of the guys from my praise team and I spent Labor Day week doing what I love to do... Bible study, worship, fellowship, and volleyball.  Lots of volleyball.  It was an amazing time of renewal for me even though our schedule was a bit hectic with the whole music thing.  It couldn't have come at a better time either.

That next week I started classes.  Yeah, for the first time in 12 years, I had a first day of school.  The Lord has been pretty clear with me for a few years now that I am to get my masters in counseling.  I have been wrestling with whether to combine that with an Mdiv (Masters of Divinity) or not.  At this point I don't necessarily desire to be ordained, although the counsel of those around me is to just get it anyway.  I'm still praying on that.  My bachelor's degree is not in psychology, therefore I have to complete 2 or 3 more undergrad-level pysch courses before I can start a masters in counseling.  So on September 5th, classes began.  I'm taking 2 classes right now.  Even classes at a community college are not cheap and I'm still paying on my undergrad degree at this point, so the thought of incurring more debt has always held me back.  I finally decided that if I wait until I have the cash to pay for a master's degree, I'll never do it.  God is able and I just need to trust that.

Being in the classroom as a student again is so foreign to me.  I've never loved school, but I've always been pretty good at it.  My standards for myself are extremely high right now... which is good, but it's definitely a change from my standards in the past.  I've found myself exhausted (mentally, physically, emotionally) more times in the past month than I care to admit.  I know this is important and I was tired of my own excuses and holding myself back from moving forward, so I just did it.  I have to do this.  I have to get through this (school) to get to whatever is next.  I don't know in what capacity Jesus wants me to use my degree, but I'm excited to see what He has planned.  My job right now is to be obedient to what's He's calling me to for today.

Aside from classes, I'm still working full time and subbing two days a week this school year.  I love being around the students and I love teaching (though subs aren't often given the opportunity to actually teach), plus I feel like being in the school is an important part of my ministry at the church.  Being the beginning of the school year, there hasn't been much opportunity to sub yet, but the couple days that I've been there have been great.  I had one youth kid in my class and got to see 3 others just out and about in the hallways.  I love how excited they get when they see me.

Youth group has been going really well so far this year.  My junior high program has grown quite a bit... mainly because 2 of my favorite 6th graders are a part of the program now.  Their presence has made a very positive impact and I'm really excited to see what Jesus is going to do this year.  Something else that has been great with the junior high ministry is the consistent presence of other adults.  It's been great to watch relationships start to form between the students and the volunteers.  One of the volunteers is a recent high school graduate who's staying local for school and I know the junior high kids love having someone closer to their age to relate to.  It's so important for them to see and be around someone who has been through a youth ministry program lately.  Between that volunteer and the other parent, I finally feel like I'm not doing this alone.  They are very willing to invest in the kids which is great.  This past week, Allan taught the lesson which was fantastic and it gave me a chance to sit back and observe the kids and just be with them.  My curriculum for both junior and senior high is completely focused on Jesus... on His life, His ministry, and on how to walk with Him daily and why it's important to do so.  Senior high continues to have low numbers, but I'm grateful that I get to do closer discipling with the students.  God knows each of our/their needs and I'm trusting Him with youth group.

The young adult group that I lead is studying Experiencing God.  I did the youth version of the study when I was in high school and it had a huge impact on my walk with Christ.  When I suggested that this group do Experiencing God, they were a bit reluctant because of the amount of work and time commitment, but I can see the benefits of it already.  A lot of it is coming back to me, but I'm also gaining so much from it.  Thanks be to God for placing that on my heart for this group.  The group has grown a bit and there are now 8 of us, which is the perfect size for such an in-depth study.  I've spent a good amount of time in prayer for this group and for them to be impacted and challenged in a huge way.  God is ready for some major commitment from some of these people and I can't wait to see how He chooses to use them.  Praise the Lord for resources and studies like Experiencing God that really push us.

Something else that is HUGE is that we are starting a Saturday service at church.  Our "contemporary" service currently meets at 8:30am on Sundays.  Realistically, that's just not the time of day those who are looking for truly contemporary worship will come out to church.  The new service is called Yield and it will meet at 4:30pm on Saturday afternoons starting on October 19th.  My senior pastor, Tom, and I have been discussing and praying about this for over a year now.  With the Lord's leading we're moving forward.  The service will be primarily led by me and Allan.  (He has just stepped up into a larger leadership role here at the church and it's so encouraging to see God working so clearly through him.  Yay!)  This means that I will be preaching nearly every week, especially at the beginning as Pastor Tom will be out with a knee replacement.  I have to say, 16 months ago when I accepted this job I had no idea that I'd be leading a worship service and preaching, but God's plans are so much bigger and greater (um, duh!).  Personally, what strikes me most about this new service (right now) is that it has never once felt like an added "burden."  My nerves aren't going nuts with the thought of the responsibility of it all or of my inadequacies and I can only attribute this to the Holy Spirit.  With His leading, it's all about God and not about me or my abilities/inabilities.  The glory is His.  It's only about furthering His Kingdom.  Would you join us in praying for this new ministry?  Pray for unity.  Pray for those who will be attending.  Pray for us as we continue to organize and prepare.  Pray, pray, pray!  Prayer is way too underutilized these days, but it's the most important part of this.

Yet another thing I'm really excited about is a meeting of local youth pastors.  A week and a half ago I met with a group of 3 men regarding See You At the Pole (which is tomorrow morning, prayer very welcome) planning.  2 of the guys happened to be youth pastors for local churches.  The 3 of us discussed the desires we each had to meet and connect to encourage each other in our ministries and pray.  This coming Monday we will have the first meeting and there will be about 7 of us in total, including my bff, Stacy.  I will be hosting the first meeting at my church and we'll rotate from there.  Our goal is to meet on the first Monday of every month.  Just meeting with the 2 guys last week was an encouragement so I can't wait for all of us to get together.  Praise Jesus for knowing just what we need!

On a completely unrelated topic, it's been hard to be away from Chicago these days.  I miss my family a lot.  I miss going upstairs, plopping down in a chair next to my mom, and just verbally processing my day.  I miss seeing my nieces grow up and figure out life.  Kayla will be 9 in about a month and a half... how is that even possible?  They are both at such cool ages... learning and taking in the world around them.  I wish that I could be consistent influence in their lives.  I want them to know Jesus so bad.  The rest of my family too, for that matter.  My dad's health is ever declining and it makes me physically ill to think about it.  It seems like the downward slope's gradient has increased and it's moving way too fast for me.  Please pray for him and for my mom, of course... I worry about my mom's health too.  They are amazing.  My sister and bro-in-law got married on a beach in Florida a couple of weeks ago.  It was just them and their girls.  I wish I could have gone.  My brother is much the same, it seems.  Stagnant, I'd say.  It makes me sad.  I think he's been made for greater things.  There's a lot of potential there.  (Help him, Jesus.  Help him see a need for You.)  At the end of the day when I go home, I'm going home by myself.  My heart has really been struggling with this lately.  No pity-party, just the reality of my current situation.  Jesus knows the desires of my heart, so I'll keep praying for my future husband and our kids.

I have so many other thoughts circulating and just bursting to get out, but I've got laundry to fold, animals to feed (I got a cat, btw.  His name is Paka and his sole purpose is to kill crickets.  He's doing his job very well so far), dinner to cook, a workout to complete, classes to study for, and Bible study to lead tonight.  It's no wonder I haven't taken the time to update... I've not had it.  I'm not complaining, I'm extremely grateful to God for the craziness of life right now.

We and They

"We and They"

by Rudyard Kipling

Father, Mother, and Me,

Sister and Auntie say

All the people like us are We,

And everyone else is They.

And They live over the sea

While we live over the way,

But—would you believe it?—They look upon We

As only a sort of They!

We eat pork and beef

With cow-horn-handled knives.

They who gobble Their rice off a leaf

Are horrified out of Their lives;

While they who live up a tree,

feast on grubs and clay,

(Isn't it scandalous?) look upon We

As a simply disgusting They!

We eat kitcheny food.

We have doors that latch.

They drink milk and blood

Under an open thatch.

We have doctors to fee.

They have wizards to pay.

And (impudent heathen!) They look upon We

As a quite impossible They!

All good people agree,

And all good people say,

All nice people, like us, are We

And everyone else is They:

But if you cross over the sea,

Instead of over the way,

You may end by (think of it!) looking on We

As only a sort of They! 

While in my office the other day, I had my music turned up nice and loud and I was working across the room on a bulletin board.  All of a sudden the computer started ringing the familiar Skype ringtone.  I don't normally get random Skype calls.  Skype dates are usually scheduled well in advance.  It was a friend of mine who moved to China last month to do mission work for a couple of years.  I originally met him during my first year in Uganda and he's been a good friend ever since.  Of course I accepted the random call and it was a pleasure to hear about his new ministry.  In the course of the impromptu chat he asked if he could read a poem.  I thought it was a little weird, but also knew he was a little goofy from being up in the middle of the night there so I said yes and he began to read.  It became obvious as he read why he had chosen to share it with me.  For anyone who has ever worked in any capacity outside of their "native" (we) world (whether rural to urban, rich to poor, American to non-American, Christian to non-Christian etc.), you probably understand a bit of the "We and They" concept.

I've read and reread this at least a dozen times this week.  Of course I feel like I understand this (though I've probably only scratched the surface) because of my time in Africa, but it also easily applies to moving and ministering here in South Jersey... a very different culture to me.  It's astonishing how quickly we place others in the "they" category in (or out of) our lives.  In thinking more and more about the meaning of this poem in my life, it's become clear to me that this speaks so loudly of the things Christ came to abolish in this world.  I think in His eyes humanity is all "they".  I think He wants us to strive to be "We" (emphasis on the capital w to denote Christ-likeness and sanctification), but recognizes our imperfect human nature.  We are all "they".  One is not better than the other.  I'm always shocked and deeply saddened when I hear of present-day prejudices and racism.  It makes me physically ill to think about how prevalent these problems are all around the world in such a time of connectivity.  We have every bit of information available at our fingertips and we still choose to categorize one another.  

My prayer tonight is that Jesus would enable us to see the world through His perfect eyes.  That He would show us the hearts of His people and not just their outer appearance, material wealth, upbringing, social status, etc..  That we would love first instead of passing judgement or writing someone "we" think of as "they" off.

This passage has been close to my heart lately:  

“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

 This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.  And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world.  If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.   This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus.  There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

We love because he first loved us.  Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.  And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”

-1 John 4:7-21 (NIV, emphasis mine)

Help me love, Lord.

Just Smile

This past week was very hectic, to say the least.  Not that it was bad, but it's mostly a blur now except for a few instances.  One divine meeting stands out in my mind.  I made a big-ish decision for myself and in doing so had some stuff to get done to see things through.  That's where our story begins... ;)

I found myself standing in line waiting to speak to someone about moving forward.  My mind was racing- going over all of the possibilities, thinking about my ministry, thinking about the condition of my heart, thinking about the very successful and exciting meeting I had had with a student just an hour before.  I was "in the zone," so to speak, and not so aware of my surroundings.  After a few minutes of being ignorant, I glanced up.  The room was a flurry of people moving about, discussing the ins and outs of their decisions.  I'm easily entertained and I love people-watching so instead of pulling out my phone and playing on facebook, I brought my mind to the present and observed.

Behind me in line stood a woman who looked to be in her late 40's or very early 50's.  She was about my height, maybe a bit shorter.  The wear and tear of life was evident in her voice and on her still beautiful face.  She had a look of determination in her eyes.  She was chatting rather loudly, but very lovingly to her young teenaged daughter, Ashley (she had called her by name as I eavesdropped).  Her daughter did not look excited to be so stationary, but was respectful and even offered to be helpful.  After a few minutes, Ashley went and sat down, playing on her phone and waiting for her mom to be finished.  Clearly a bit nervous, Anthonia was flipping through her paperwork and fidgeting with her phone.  We made eye contact and I shot her an understanding and encouraging smile.  (I had decided that I should just smile instead of saying anything so that I could go back to being in my own world and people-watching.)  God had other plans.

That smile sparked a conversation.  Anthonia began speaking and sharing what she was doing there, what had led her there, and the drive behind her decisions.  I listened carefully and was very engaged in the conversation, but just figured she needed to unload for a few minutes and that would be that.  She asked me a few questions about myself and we bonded over the fact that we're both from big cities, Chicago and New York, and unused to such small-town living.  We agreed that it's a nice change of pace, etc..  Turns out that she and Ashley only live about 10 minutes from me.  She then went into more detail about her recent arrival in South Jersey.  It became obvious to be that this woman was searching... for answers, for Truth, and for real Love.

I began asking more intentional questions as the Holy Spirit prompted.  I asked her about Ashley.  Anthonia revealed Ashley's nerves about starting at a new school (the very same school I happen to sub at once a week!) and making new friends.  I told her that I know some of the kids from the school because they're in my youth group.  I then explained my about my job and how God had very clearly led me here "for such a time as this."  Anthonia had taken Ashley to another youth group the previous week and she had a good time, but was nervous to go back because of the small size of that youth group.  She asked me many questions about my ministry and I could hardly contain myself while talking about it.

She was so excited and clearly amazed that I was there, that God had placed each of us there for that meeting.  She gave me her card and wrote her cell number and new address on it.  I gave her my info and encouraged her to be in touch.  I was next in line and our conversation started to slow.  We wished each other well as I walked away and my focus quickly turned back to the task at hand, but the conversation has lingered in my head and on my heart ever since.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord ordained that meeting.  I still don't know why and I don't have to, but I'm really looking forward to whatever comes next.  God has this way of bringing me out of myself and opening my eyes to the needs and hearts of those around me.  There is nothing extraordinary about me (aside from the wonderful of joy of Christ in my life- which is huge, I know) that sets me apart from others, but it seems like God is constantly bringing people to me to vent/share.  There must be some level of comfort or something that I exude and I'm so thankful.  I see it not at all as a burden, but as a sweet gift from Jesus.  I love being someone that others trust and feel comfortable with.  What an honor that they trust me, but more importantly, that God trusts me with people's hearts.  I don't claim to do or say anything great and often times I'm at a loss, but God always reveals the right words (or clamps my mouth shut when the need is simply for a listening ear).

Praise the Lord that He chooses to use me.  May I never take advantage of that or lose sight of the eternal qualities that each meeting and conversation has.  And praise the Lord that He uses me even when I'm wrapped up in my own life... even when I just shoot off a smile to stay closed off.  Praise the Lord that each soul matters and that even when I'm being ignorant, His work is done.  What a precious reminder that He chooses us... that He pursues us, in spite of ourselves.  Praise the Lord that He lets me see things through His eyes, even if it takes a little slap in the face to wake me up.

God is pursuing those around us.  Are we willing to plant seeds?  Even in people we don't know... or in people we don't particularly care for?  My prayer tonight is that my eyes and my heart would be open and sensitive to those around me, to both those I know and those I don't.  It can only be done in God's strength and to Him be the glory.  I sent Anthonia a card in the mail... we'll see what happens.  Whatever happens (or doesn't), God is in control and I'm resting in that fact.  Thanks Jesus.

[Wo]man on the Run

"Stay in America for now.  Be willing to be settled in New Jersey," said the Lord.  To which I responded, "Whaaaa?  Come again?  Jersey?  Are you sure??"

My journey started long before I accepted my current position.  Jesus has been preparing my heart for this time in my life since I was born.  He knew the challenges and heartache I would face (and will still face) and He also knew the joyous victories He would win (and will continue to win).

Since I turned 16, I've been on the go.  My parents moved to Arizona after my sophomore year of high school (for my father's health), but allowed me to stay in Illinois and finish school with my friends.  Back and forth to Arizona multiple times a year, I never felt settled.  After high school I moved to small-town Indiana to attend a private Christian university.  I was only a year and a half in before I decided I needed a change.  I moved back to AZ, lived at home, and attended Arizona State University.  One semester and many bad decisions later, I was back in Indiana where I would finish my degree.  Indiana was the first place I felt settled in my "adult" life.  I lived there nearly 7 years total, working for a while after college before moving back to Illinois.

When I moved back to Illinois, my second niece was born, thus my parents bought a house in IL again.  With my family back and me accepting a job in ministry, you'd think I would have been content and ready to settle.  Not so much.  A year into that position and the Lord called me (very clearly) to Uganda.  Without a third thought (because I'm sure there was a second thought), I moved to Africa for a year.  When that incredible, life changing year was up, I wanted nothing more than to be back in Africa asap.  I was back in IL for about 16 months, working for my family (for the "family business" if you will), and doing youth ministry with my home church.  I got nice and comfortable and into a routine, but went back to Uganda gladly, knowing that Jesus was asking me to go again.  It was a bit of a rough year, to put it mildly, but the Lord moved and I saw MANY lives changed and experienced things I never could have imagined, glory to God.

Coming home from Uganda was necessary, but very painful.  It's a weird feeling to have your heart split in half... I guess that's the best way to describe it.  My heart literally aches to be back in Africa sometimes and I miss my African family more than I'll ever let on.  It was in that time of reverse culture shock, anger, relief, confusion, uncertainty, etc. that Jesus opened the door to come to South Jersey.  It's miraculous and perfect because He timed it that way.  There's no denying that I have been placed here "for such a time as this."  Thinking of the old testament story of Queen Esther's rise to power and her choice to "risk it all" for the Jews, I'm somehow assured of my place here.  God doesn't make mistakes.  Duh.

So for just over a year now I've been living and working in small-town South Jersey for such a time as this.  Within the first month of being here, I had plenty of very significant interactions with people and new relationships began to form.  God sure didn't let up after that first month either.  He continues to move and inspire awe in me.  He reveals more of His plan slowly by slowly, as the Africans say.  Bit by bit, it's like living in a perpetual cliffhanger, but somehow I'm okay with it.

The norm for me has been to move on after about a year, right?  And in some of those cases it was because I had something to move on from.  It's easier to cut ties when you don't commit for too long, yeah?  There's less chance of getting hurt, but if you've already been hurt, it somehow makes it easier to leave.  Twice in the past year I have seriously questioned God's placement and timing.  In spite of myself, He's continued to reassure me.  (In reality it's a bit silly to doubt the Creator of the universe, but when tough times come it's all too natural... thank you, human nature.)

There are some VERY exciting things ahead in ministry and I'm so blessed and honored to be a part of them.  Despite the current condition of my heart, God moves freely.  As I wrestle with what it actually means to be settled (building a family, getting a master's degree or two, etc.??) I rest in His arms.  Thankfully, my past doesn't define my future.  I've been given the opportunity to be obedient and to move forward.  I'm free from past sin, guilt, and shame.  It's a freedom I briefly wrote about here before accepting this position.  People's definitions of me don't define me because I know who I am in Christ and it's Him I answer to.  The things I once chose aren't the things I choose now.  I digress.

As I look back on another post from when I accepted this job and then think about events that have transpired since being here, it's undeniable, praise the Lord, that I'm supposed to be settled here.  Figuring out "being settled" won't happen with the snap of my fingers or the throwing of any tantrums.

So now I look ahead, but not too far ahead.  I eagerly anticipate the things to come.  My heart still takes some convincing once in a while, but thankfully Jesus is patient with me.

An Insatiable Hunger

These past 3-4 weeks have been quite a ride.  We left for the youth mission trip to West Virginia on July 7th.  The trip was amazing.  Lives and hearts were changed... not just for those of us on my team, but in the community we served in as well.  It was a joy and honor to lead this team.  Both the youth and adults did an amazing job of diving in and doing whatever it took.  Looking back, I know things went as smoothly as they did because people were praying.  Many from my congregation committed to praying for us each and every day we were gone.  The Lord moved, of course, and His prompting has been quite clear.  Please continue praying for the team as they are back to "normal life" and trying to be sensitive to God's voice.  Pray for the youth and their new or renewed commitments to Jesus.  Pray for discernment as I try to nurture their faith and guide them in their walks with God.

Allan, Bryan, Kelly, me, Deb, Abby in WV

The whole gang from 3 different churches

Something that was extra special for me was being on the trip with a church in Indiana that I worked with for many years.  I went on Trent's first mission trip with that church... the 3 participants were in middle school.  This year was their senior year, so I got to be on their first and last trip, which was really nice for all of us.

Original Chattanooga team ('07)
Dean, Adam, me, Bonnie, Trent, and Taylor (not pictured)

It was refreshing to my soul to be with Trent's church and reconnect with the kids and adult leaders.  I was very close with many of them even while traveling back and forth to Africa.  God is so good and knows just what we need.

We got home from the mission trip that Friday night and on Monday morning, the 15th, VBS began.  My role was to help out with music, so though we were exhausted from the mission trip my friend Allan and I played, sang, jumped, and danced to VBS songs all week long.  The week went well and the kids had a blast.  I have to admit, even though large groups of young children stress me out, I had a lot of fun being silly and singing loud, obnoxious songs with them.

By the time Saturday rolled around, I was more than ready for some rest.  A wonderful couple from church invited me and Allan and his kids to go out on their boat and see some sights and do some fishing.  So we met them around 9:30am, boarded the boat and cruised up the Delaware river.  We went up beyond the airport and to the Philadelphia Naval Ship yard.  After checking out the huge battleships we cruised back down south to a fishing spot.  We anchored and spent a few hours fishing and enjoying each other's company.  The kids had a blast and fishing became quite the competition.  Our captains didn't get to fish much, but they had a great time baiting our (mine and the kid's) hooks and helping to take fish off.  I was willing to remove fish, but only if the worms weren't close to where I had to touch, naturally.  After that spot was all fished out, we moved even farther south to another hot spot.  We all had a lot of success and ended the day when we ran out of bait at around 4:30.

Getting ready for a day on the high seas ;)

Our hosts/captains Harold and Ruthie 

K caught the first fish of the day

J got plenty too

I did NOT love the catfish

Allan got the biggest catch of the day

After fishing we played volleyball for a couple of hours until we could hardly stay awake any longer.  It was a fun, relaxing day, but I was exhausted after two weeks of crazy scheduling.

This past week was a bit slower.  We had a beach day with the youth in Ocean City, the second of the month.  I love that I get to just spend time with my youth during the summer.  No set-in-stone programming, just focused on relationship building.  I found a little bit of time to rest in between catching up on work, taking care of the house, and going to meetings.  Then this past Saturday night, we went over to Philly and picked up Jodi, a former youth kid of mine from Naperville.  I love calling her "friend" now and seeing how much she's grown over the past 5 years.  She's now a senior in college and has a cool future ahead of her.  She's here until this Saturday.  It's already been a major blessing having her here.  We always pick up where we've left off and it's so refreshing to have someone so familiar around.  

Aside from the craziness of my schedule and lack of sleep, I'm feeling very energized.  The Lord has been speaking to me very clearly both in my personal life and in my ministry.  I have clear direction right now and I'm just so excited to see what God has in mind.  It's such a joy to be a part of something so cool.  As I dive into the Word, God reveals more and more about how to move forward and about the reality/necessity of revival in this place.  As tired as I was last week, I simply couldn't wait to get to worship on Sunday morning.  All week I had this feeling of excited anticipation-- that feeling you get when you're really looking forward to a vacation or a special event or something-- I just wanted to worship God... to sing His praises and bring Him glory... to meet with other believers, share the Word, and encourage one another.  Done and done.  I love the leadership I get to work with and we're all very much on the same page these days which makes things easier.  I love feeling like I can't get enough of God.  I just want to be with Him.

I've been hanging out in 2 Corinthians lately and I want to share this tonight, as it's my prayer... to see and reflect the glory of the Lord.

"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.  For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."  2 Corinthians 3:16-18

In Awe of My Savior

I woke up early after having a few crazy dreams that all somehow ran together.  I felt unsettled so I put on Pandora and worshipped as I showered and got ready.  I spent much of my day today just talking to Jesus.  I'm convinced that many who encountered me thought I was insane, but that's never stopped me before.  The enemy works really hard to bring me down, especially when I'm excited about something.  He threw quite a few curveballs at me today, but Jesus had them handled.  He gets all the glory and His plan will be seen through.

I could sit here and list all of my anxieties and fears, but that wouldn't properly reflect my Savior or His work in my life.  Instead, I want to list all of the things about Him that I'm grateful for tonight.

• His strength
• His unnecessary humility
• The fact that He is interested in the smallest detail of my life and doesn't tire of hearing me while I'm stuck on repeat about certain things
• He is trustworthy
• He is enough
• His unconditional love is really, truly unconditional
• He has forgiven me
• He is good and doesn't have the ability to be anything but that
• He has felt every emotion that I have and His understanding is way beyond me
• He's beautifully creative
• His provision 
• He is truth
• His arms of love that don't grow weary of holding me
• His clear leading
• His sovereignty
• He is holy
• He became flesh... He dwelt among us... He knew no sin
• He is alive
• He is above logic and I love it

I'm so in awe of my Savior.  Pain and trials are inevitable, but Jesus makes them bearable.  His goodness is so overwhelming.  I'm so grateful to those who told me about Jesus and then walked with me, guiding me into a daily relationship with Him years ago.  It's not always been perfect, in fact it's often been the farthest thing from perfect because of my human nature, but it's been more than worth it. I pray that you, yes YOU would know Him and intimately... that you would experience the true joy of being in relationship with the Creator.  My prayer is that you (& I) would find rest in His presence tonight and every night.  

Fierce Competition

In April, I started up a volleyball game on Saturday evenings.  It's an open game and it's intended to be outreach.  We have had pretty much the same group of players every week since we started with a few others mixed in here and there.  The nights when we're playing with newbies or people who aren't normally there are a bit different than the nights when it's just the "normal" group.

When it's just us, so to speak, it gets pretty competitive.  At least, it does in my mind.  No one is shy about their frustrations with their teammates on a poorly hit or missed ball, myself included.  

When I was young, I generally did well in sports.  Even in random pick-up games with my brother and his friends... street hockey, basketball, baseball, soccer, football, etc..  We were always doing something.  I only participated in 2 organized sports- gymnastics and soccer.  My sister and I were very good at gymnastics.  Being two and a half years younger than she is, I was always trying to be just like her and live up to her level.  We were very competitive.  I can remember a particularly fierce meet where I did really well on the balance beam and floor exercise, but because my sister was older, she was able to do the uneven bars and made my routines look like nothing.  

Into high school and college, my focus was on all things music.  Sports were a thing of the past and learning guitar and singing was the thing to do.  I took piano lessons for about a year before I got frustrated with my progress and quit.  It was the same thing with guitar... I learned just enough to get by and I found myself surrounded by such talent, that I just settled for "ok" because I didn't have to be great.  Likewise, with singing- I took voice lessons, but hated the recitals because they were filled with other students who were, in my opinion much better than me.  Even in college when I was working on my music major, I became easily discouraged because a) I developed nodes on my vocal chords, thus preventing good practice time and b) it seemed as though everyone around me was a musical genius who didn't have to work hard at anything.

That's been the pattern for me and I don't like it.  I saw this reoccurring pattern last night at volleyball.  Volleyball is something that I've grown to love over the last 5 years.  I started playing in Uganda with an awesome group of friends and family, and my love for it has grown.  I'm not great, but I'm not bad either.  It's something I feel I should be able to excel at, so when I make a bad play I get pretty frustrated.  That frustration is magnified when others are being critical too.  I more critical of myself than those around me are aware of, so it's not fair for me to take their criticisms too personally.  Last night as we were playing, we had one person who had been there once and one who was brand new.  I made it a point to remind myself that we're just there for fun, but my competitive nature overtook me a number of times.  I chose to remain fairly quiet by the end because my words would not have been so edifying.  I'm sure you're aware, but for the most part I'm usually pretty loud, boisterous, and opinionated and it's intensified when I'm playing sports or doing anything competitively.

As I become more active again, I need to work on this fierceness.  It's not a good look to get so easily frustrated and it definitely takes the fun out of things... for me and for those around me.  Not to mention that it speaks loudly about my struggle with pride.  As I thought it through this afternoon, I began reflecting on Jesus' life and ministry.  He walked ever so humbly, though He is the King of Kings.  He encouraged those around Him, always building them up, never knocking them down.

This scripture came to mind as I prayed about my attitude and actions.  Philippians 2:1-11

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,

    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;

rather, he made himself nothing

    by taking the very nature of a servant,

    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,

    he humbled himself

    by becoming obedient to death—

        even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place

    and gave him the name that is above every name,

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,

    to the glory of God the Father."

This is my prayer tonight... "He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30