Last Wednesday I was driving home from watching a youth kid's volleyball game when I felt the need to call one of the Sudanese guys I worked with in Uganda. Lino's been living in the States for a while now, but I've been terrible at keeping in touch for nearly 6 months now and out of no where (well not no where, but from Jesus) I felt prompted to reach out. He actually answered which is a miracle itself and we chatted for a long time. It's always fun to catch up with him, though he seems to stay pretty much the same these days. I've been missing Uganda a lot these days and really want to go back... just for a week or two to visit for now. It would definitely do my heart and soul some good. Lino mentioned that his adopted mom, Shelah was in the States visiting a friend near Philly. As soon as I hung up with Lino, I sent Shelah a message on the off chance that maybe I'd get to see her for the first time in nearly two years. I've been so out of touch with Shelah and her family that she didn't even realize I was living in New Jersey, but it turns out that she was staying in DE with a friend and was looking for a ride to the airport for today. Jesus? I think yes. I'm off on Mondays and she was only about 30 minutes from me! Who know? I was so excited to be able to see her until...
I got sick... really for the first time since moving here a year and a half ago. Of course I've had a few random fevers and a couple of little tummy aches, but nothing that laid me out. I try to take lots of vitamins. When I'm around sick people I just try to keep a bit of a distance. I was sick a lot as a child (ear tubes until I was 22) so you'd think I'd have lots of antibodies, but somehow once in a while I still manage to catch something. It started Saturday night. After the Yield service, my throat was a blazin', but I just figured it was from singing and preaching. Not so. I didn't sleep much on Saturday night because I couldn't swallow well. Sunday I had a planned event with the youth and didn't want to cancel it at the last minute so we went to a corn maze and played outside all day. By the time I got home, I was down for the count. Fever, cough, sore throat, runny nose. Special isn't it?
I sent Shelah a message letting her know in case she wasn't comfortable being around a sicky, especially when traveling internationally. She called to let me know she didn't care, but wanted to make sure it was still ok with me since I wasn't feeling well. I went to bed really early last night and even though I didn't sleep well, I got some good rest and spent time praying. When I woke up I felt a bit better... not as stuffy, less of a cough, but still with the sore throat. From the time I picked her up at 9:30am until the time I dropped her at the airport this afternoon, I felt about 70% better! A little gift from Jesus, I believe. When I got home I started right back with the coughing and runny nose. Crazy, right? Well worth it.
Both years that I served in Uganda, I spent much of my time with Shelah, her family, and working with their organization. They were very much like my second family- celebrating my birthday, movie nights, volleyball and other games (cheating at Uno), inviting me for Christmas, dinners, etc.. I love their two girls and enjoyed spending time with them, especially because I was away from my nieces (they are nearly the same ages). The Ackers were an amazing blessing in my life and I've missed them dearly. I spent New Years ('11-'12) with them in Alabama and I haven't seen them since because of my schedule and lack of proximity to their "home base" when in the States.
Sitting and talking with Shelah for hours today was the most refreshing experience I've had in a long time. When my heart aches for Uganda, she understands why. She told me story after story of my loved ones there and caught me up on their lives. So many things have happened and so many lives have been changed. I got to hear about her family and my Sudanese brothers. I got to hear about many of my former students and many others that I love. She felt like she was going on and on, but I couldn't hear enough about the people and place that I love so much.
The biggest joy of the day was when she told me that some of my former students at the refugee center have converted. (I can't give more details than that for their protection.) I spent hours and hours with them, prayed for them, laughed with them, cried with them, heard their stories, told them about Jesus, lead worship and a Book study for them, and was made a part of their family. When she told me of their conversion, I couldn't keep the tears from coming. I can't even imagine the amount of rejoicing in Heaven that day! Praise be to God forever and ever.
Today would not have happened if the Holy Spirit hadn't prompted me to call Lino. I only got to spend about 4 hours with Shelah, but it was as if no time had passed. I finally feel free, really free from some things and reenergized to connect with people again. It's been so long since I've put any energy into staying in good contact because it's been too painful, but hopefully that will change now.
I feel like today was a special gift from the Lord, piles of tissues and all. My head might be pounding and I've sneezed about 800 times, but I would do it over and over again if I could, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm just so grateful tonight.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
"It's going to be good, Beloved"
"It's going to be good, Beloved." These are the words my Savior spoke directly to me just over a week ago. I was up at Delanco camp, a place I both love and struggle with, when I heard those words loud and clear. I had found a moment of peace amongst the crazy and was standing out on the party deck. The weather was beautiful despite the predictions of wet conditions for the entire weekend and I couldn't help but worship the Lord and thank Him for the beauty of His creation. The water was calm, the sun shining, the fish jumping, and the leaves falling ever so gently. It was a very sweet, very private moment between me and Jesus. He had my attention, my full attention. My focus couldn't waiver in that moment.
"It's going to be good, Beloved." I love it when He calls me beloved. It's such a sweet term of endearment and it reinforces the fact that I'm His. Simply amazing, isn't it? The God of the universe, Creator of all, the Great I AM claims me as His own. Not only that, He knows me intimately and cares for me. He calls me beloved. Me, the worst of all sinners, beloved.
"It's going to be good, Beloved." I've been bringing Him plenty of situations, pleading on my behalf and on the behalf of others. I'm consumed by work and school and I just keep adding to my list of responsibilities. I feel so inadequate most of the time. His words to me, at just the right time brought comfort and peace. I don't know exactly which situation, condition, or feeling His word was referring to... maybe all of them, but I don't need to know. Anything His hand is in is good. I trust Him and I think He was reminding me to keep doing so.
"It's going to be good, Beloved." Doesn't that just melt your heart? Praise be to God.
Aside from the privilege of of hearing those words, camp was pretty good. My lesson went well and I think many of the kids went away desiring to know God deeper by exploring His many names. I was pleased with their openness a really loved getting to know a handful of new kids. During the afternoon of free time on Saturday I focused on just being with the kids. We fished, boated, wandered around, chatted, and laughed... a lot! Most of the staff decided to play their own game of volleyball (which I would have loved to do seeing as though it's my favorite sport to play), but I really felt like it was more important to just be with the kids since we had such a limited amount of time with them.
I headed home that evening because I knew I needed to be at my church on Sunday morning. It was the last Sunday of the same schedule with the worship team playing at the early service and the last Sunday before my senior pastor would be away for 4-6 weeks with a knee replacement. Being at home with my church family was a must in my heart. Right after the first service, I headed back up to camp to finish off the weekend with my youth.
With camp finished, my focus turned toward Yield. Yield is the new contemporary service we're offering on Saturdays at 4:30. This service has been in the works for over a year, but has really been a focus for me for the last few months. We have worked really hard to come up with a format and style, a logo, advertising, and a whole bunch of other stuff to make this service work.
This past Saturday was our inaugural service and it went very well. A few of us spent many hours this past week making sure that things would run smoothly and it really paid off. I get to bring the sermon message each week which is exciting. That's one of those areas that I feel so inadequate in, but Jesus is enough so I'll continue to trust Him. Now that I have the first service under my belt, seminary doesn't seem like such a bad idea. :) The best part about the whole service, in my opinion, is that it was all about God. It wasn't about my abilities, inabilities, strengths, or weaknesses but about the way that God was moving and working. People were relaxed, laughing, worshipping freely, and really enjoying themselves. It felt like home; the Body of Christ united. So grateful to Jesus. I'm really looking forward to seeing this service grow and morph. I believe the Lord is using this ministry to further His kingdom.
Anyways, school is very time consuming these days. Each week I have either 2 papers, two quizzes, or exams. The material is really important to grasp, especially for when I start my masters course. Somehow I'm making it. Sleep is scarce, but as long as I continue to get A's on everything, I'm ok with that.
So each week is full of school, youth stuff, young adult ministry, sermonizing, organizing, building relationships, meetings, and trying to keep up my house and animals. I'm feeling very blessed.
Here's a song I've been loving these days. Oceans by Hillsong United.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Striving
Sleep eludes me. I'm busy with work and school and my mind is reeling with the thoughts of the future. Jesus keeps reminding me that He is enough and that's when rest comes... when I trust in that. I've found myself at the foot of the cross a lot in the last few weeks, both literally and figuratively, and it's the only place I find peace. When I just want to sing of His goodness, He meets me there. When I want to complain, He listens. When things are complicated, Jesus knows. When my heart is shattered and my body is broken and sick, He heals. When I've got nothing left within me, He fills me up. When my immaturity and fiery mouth/temper run wild, He reins me back in. It feels child-like sometimes to be curled up, sitting before Him, but then I remember just how much He loves the little ones... how He says they belong in His Kingdom. I want that. There's nothing more peaceful than Jesus calling you "little one" and cradling you in His arms of love.
Jesus keeps saying to me over and over, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will
give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and
humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and
my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
So I go and I sit. I listen. I express the desires of my heart. He's not finished with me yet, He reminds me of this as I dwell on my imperfections. Thanks, Lord. I'm striving and though I'm not a wife yet, this is the type of woman I long to be:
"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
She is more precious than rubies.
Her husband can trust her,
and she will greatly enrich his life.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
She finds wool and flax
and busily spins it.
She is like a merchant’s ship,
bringing her food from afar.
She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her
household
and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.
She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
a
hard worker
She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.
Her hands are busy spinning thread,
her fingers twisting fiber.
She extends a helping hand to the poor
and opens her arms to the needy.
She has no fear of winter for her household,
for everyone has warm clothes.
She makes her own bedspreads.
She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.
Her husband is well known at the city gates,
where he sits with the other civic leaders.
She makes belted linen garments
and sashes to sell to the merchants.
She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”
Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;
but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised.
Reward her for all she has done.
Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.
-Proverbs 31 (emphasis mine)
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
In Other News...
Yeah, I know. It's been over a month. I've had some demand for a new blog post for a while, but writing (one of my favorite things to do) has not been high on my priority list lately. At this point I feel like I have so much to write about that I don't even know where to begin. So an update will have to suffice for now...
August flew by into September in such a way that most of it is almost dream-like to me. Fall programming has started which means my schedule has kicked it into high-gear, as they say. August ended with a trip to Delanco camp to lead worship for their Camp Meeting. Three of the guys from my praise team and I spent Labor Day week doing what I love to do... Bible study, worship, fellowship, and volleyball. Lots of volleyball. It was an amazing time of renewal for me even though our schedule was a bit hectic with the whole music thing. It couldn't have come at a better time either.
That next week I started classes. Yeah, for the first time in 12 years, I had a first day of school. The Lord has been pretty clear with me for a few years now that I am to get my masters in counseling. I have been wrestling with whether to combine that with an Mdiv (Masters of Divinity) or not. At this point I don't necessarily desire to be ordained, although the counsel of those around me is to just get it anyway. I'm still praying on that. My bachelor's degree is not in psychology, therefore I have to complete 2 or 3 more undergrad-level pysch courses before I can start a masters in counseling. So on September 5th, classes began. I'm taking 2 classes right now. Even classes at a community college are not cheap and I'm still paying on my undergrad degree at this point, so the thought of incurring more debt has always held me back. I finally decided that if I wait until I have the cash to pay for a master's degree, I'll never do it. God is able and I just need to trust that.
Being in the classroom as a student again is so foreign to me. I've never loved school, but I've always been pretty good at it. My standards for myself are extremely high right now... which is good, but it's definitely a change from my standards in the past. I've found myself exhausted (mentally, physically, emotionally) more times in the past month than I care to admit. I know this is important and I was tired of my own excuses and holding myself back from moving forward, so I just did it. I have to do this. I have to get through this (school) to get to whatever is next. I don't know in what capacity Jesus wants me to use my degree, but I'm excited to see what He has planned. My job right now is to be obedient to what's He's calling me to for today.
Aside from classes, I'm still working full time and subbing two days a week this school year. I love being around the students and I love teaching (though subs aren't often given the opportunity to actually teach), plus I feel like being in the school is an important part of my ministry at the church. Being the beginning of the school year, there hasn't been much opportunity to sub yet, but the couple days that I've been there have been great. I had one youth kid in my class and got to see 3 others just out and about in the hallways. I love how excited they get when they see me.
Youth group has been going really well so far this year. My junior high program has grown quite a bit... mainly because 2 of my favorite 6th graders are a part of the program now. Their presence has made a very positive impact and I'm really excited to see what Jesus is going to do this year. Something else that has been great with the junior high ministry is the consistent presence of other adults. It's been great to watch relationships start to form between the students and the volunteers. One of the volunteers is a recent high school graduate who's staying local for school and I know the junior high kids love having someone closer to their age to relate to. It's so important for them to see and be around someone who has been through a youth ministry program lately. Between that volunteer and the other parent, I finally feel like I'm not doing this alone. They are very willing to invest in the kids which is great. This past week, Allan taught the lesson which was fantastic and it gave me a chance to sit back and observe the kids and just be with them. My curriculum for both junior and senior high is completely focused on Jesus... on His life, His ministry, and on how to walk with Him daily and why it's important to do so. Senior high continues to have low numbers, but I'm grateful that I get to do closer discipling with the students. God knows each of our/their needs and I'm trusting Him with youth group.
The young adult group that I lead is studying Experiencing God. I did the youth version of the study when I was in high school and it had a huge impact on my walk with Christ. When I suggested that this group do Experiencing God, they were a bit reluctant because of the amount of work and time commitment, but I can see the benefits of it already. A lot of it is coming back to me, but I'm also gaining so much from it. Thanks be to God for placing that on my heart for this group. The group has grown a bit and there are now 8 of us, which is the perfect size for such an in-depth study. I've spent a good amount of time in prayer for this group and for them to be impacted and challenged in a huge way. God is ready for some major commitment from some of these people and I can't wait to see how He chooses to use them. Praise the Lord for resources and studies like Experiencing God that really push us.
Something else that is HUGE is that we are starting a Saturday service at church. Our "contemporary" service currently meets at 8:30am on Sundays. Realistically, that's just not the time of day those who are looking for truly contemporary worship will come out to church. The new service is called Yield and it will meet at 4:30pm on Saturday afternoons starting on October 19th. My senior pastor, Tom, and I have been discussing and praying about this for over a year now. With the Lord's leading we're moving forward. The service will be primarily led by me and Allan. (He has just stepped up into a larger leadership role here at the church and it's so encouraging to see God working so clearly through him. Yay!) This means that I will be preaching nearly every week, especially at the beginning as Pastor Tom will be out with a knee replacement. I have to say, 16 months ago when I accepted this job I had no idea that I'd be leading a worship service and preaching, but God's plans are so much bigger and greater (um, duh!). Personally, what strikes me most about this new service (right now) is that it has never once felt like an added "burden." My nerves aren't going nuts with the thought of the responsibility of it all or of my inadequacies and I can only attribute this to the Holy Spirit. With His leading, it's all about God and not about me or my abilities/inabilities. The glory is His. It's only about furthering His Kingdom. Would you join us in praying for this new ministry? Pray for unity. Pray for those who will be attending. Pray for us as we continue to organize and prepare. Pray, pray, pray! Prayer is way too underutilized these days, but it's the most important part of this.
Yet another thing I'm really excited about is a meeting of local youth pastors. A week and a half ago I met with a group of 3 men regarding See You At the Pole (which is tomorrow morning, prayer very welcome) planning. 2 of the guys happened to be youth pastors for local churches. The 3 of us discussed the desires we each had to meet and connect to encourage each other in our ministries and pray. This coming Monday we will have the first meeting and there will be about 7 of us in total, including my bff, Stacy. I will be hosting the first meeting at my church and we'll rotate from there. Our goal is to meet on the first Monday of every month. Just meeting with the 2 guys last week was an encouragement so I can't wait for all of us to get together. Praise Jesus for knowing just what we need!
On a completely unrelated topic, it's been hard to be away from Chicago these days. I miss my family a lot. I miss going upstairs, plopping down in a chair next to my mom, and just verbally processing my day. I miss seeing my nieces grow up and figure out life. Kayla will be 9 in about a month and a half... how is that even possible? They are both at such cool ages... learning and taking in the world around them. I wish that I could be consistent influence in their lives. I want them to know Jesus so bad. The rest of my family too, for that matter. My dad's health is ever declining and it makes me physically ill to think about it. It seems like the downward slope's gradient has increased and it's moving way too fast for me. Please pray for him and for my mom, of course... I worry about my mom's health too. They are amazing. My sister and bro-in-law got married on a beach in Florida a couple of weeks ago. It was just them and their girls. I wish I could have gone. My brother is much the same, it seems. Stagnant, I'd say. It makes me sad. I think he's been made for greater things. There's a lot of potential there. (Help him, Jesus. Help him see a need for You.) At the end of the day when I go home, I'm going home by myself. My heart has really been struggling with this lately. No pity-party, just the reality of my current situation. Jesus knows the desires of my heart, so I'll keep praying for my future husband and our kids.
I have so many other thoughts circulating and just bursting to get out, but I've got laundry to fold, animals to feed (I got a cat, btw. His name is Paka and his sole purpose is to kill crickets. He's doing his job very well so far), dinner to cook, a workout to complete, classes to study for, and Bible study to lead tonight. It's no wonder I haven't taken the time to update... I've not had it. I'm not complaining, I'm extremely grateful to God for the craziness of life right now.
August flew by into September in such a way that most of it is almost dream-like to me. Fall programming has started which means my schedule has kicked it into high-gear, as they say. August ended with a trip to Delanco camp to lead worship for their Camp Meeting. Three of the guys from my praise team and I spent Labor Day week doing what I love to do... Bible study, worship, fellowship, and volleyball. Lots of volleyball. It was an amazing time of renewal for me even though our schedule was a bit hectic with the whole music thing. It couldn't have come at a better time either.
That next week I started classes. Yeah, for the first time in 12 years, I had a first day of school. The Lord has been pretty clear with me for a few years now that I am to get my masters in counseling. I have been wrestling with whether to combine that with an Mdiv (Masters of Divinity) or not. At this point I don't necessarily desire to be ordained, although the counsel of those around me is to just get it anyway. I'm still praying on that. My bachelor's degree is not in psychology, therefore I have to complete 2 or 3 more undergrad-level pysch courses before I can start a masters in counseling. So on September 5th, classes began. I'm taking 2 classes right now. Even classes at a community college are not cheap and I'm still paying on my undergrad degree at this point, so the thought of incurring more debt has always held me back. I finally decided that if I wait until I have the cash to pay for a master's degree, I'll never do it. God is able and I just need to trust that.
Being in the classroom as a student again is so foreign to me. I've never loved school, but I've always been pretty good at it. My standards for myself are extremely high right now... which is good, but it's definitely a change from my standards in the past. I've found myself exhausted (mentally, physically, emotionally) more times in the past month than I care to admit. I know this is important and I was tired of my own excuses and holding myself back from moving forward, so I just did it. I have to do this. I have to get through this (school) to get to whatever is next. I don't know in what capacity Jesus wants me to use my degree, but I'm excited to see what He has planned. My job right now is to be obedient to what's He's calling me to for today.
Aside from classes, I'm still working full time and subbing two days a week this school year. I love being around the students and I love teaching (though subs aren't often given the opportunity to actually teach), plus I feel like being in the school is an important part of my ministry at the church. Being the beginning of the school year, there hasn't been much opportunity to sub yet, but the couple days that I've been there have been great. I had one youth kid in my class and got to see 3 others just out and about in the hallways. I love how excited they get when they see me.
Youth group has been going really well so far this year. My junior high program has grown quite a bit... mainly because 2 of my favorite 6th graders are a part of the program now. Their presence has made a very positive impact and I'm really excited to see what Jesus is going to do this year. Something else that has been great with the junior high ministry is the consistent presence of other adults. It's been great to watch relationships start to form between the students and the volunteers. One of the volunteers is a recent high school graduate who's staying local for school and I know the junior high kids love having someone closer to their age to relate to. It's so important for them to see and be around someone who has been through a youth ministry program lately. Between that volunteer and the other parent, I finally feel like I'm not doing this alone. They are very willing to invest in the kids which is great. This past week, Allan taught the lesson which was fantastic and it gave me a chance to sit back and observe the kids and just be with them. My curriculum for both junior and senior high is completely focused on Jesus... on His life, His ministry, and on how to walk with Him daily and why it's important to do so. Senior high continues to have low numbers, but I'm grateful that I get to do closer discipling with the students. God knows each of our/their needs and I'm trusting Him with youth group.
The young adult group that I lead is studying Experiencing God. I did the youth version of the study when I was in high school and it had a huge impact on my walk with Christ. When I suggested that this group do Experiencing God, they were a bit reluctant because of the amount of work and time commitment, but I can see the benefits of it already. A lot of it is coming back to me, but I'm also gaining so much from it. Thanks be to God for placing that on my heart for this group. The group has grown a bit and there are now 8 of us, which is the perfect size for such an in-depth study. I've spent a good amount of time in prayer for this group and for them to be impacted and challenged in a huge way. God is ready for some major commitment from some of these people and I can't wait to see how He chooses to use them. Praise the Lord for resources and studies like Experiencing God that really push us.
Something else that is HUGE is that we are starting a Saturday service at church. Our "contemporary" service currently meets at 8:30am on Sundays. Realistically, that's just not the time of day those who are looking for truly contemporary worship will come out to church. The new service is called Yield and it will meet at 4:30pm on Saturday afternoons starting on October 19th. My senior pastor, Tom, and I have been discussing and praying about this for over a year now. With the Lord's leading we're moving forward. The service will be primarily led by me and Allan. (He has just stepped up into a larger leadership role here at the church and it's so encouraging to see God working so clearly through him. Yay!) This means that I will be preaching nearly every week, especially at the beginning as Pastor Tom will be out with a knee replacement. I have to say, 16 months ago when I accepted this job I had no idea that I'd be leading a worship service and preaching, but God's plans are so much bigger and greater (um, duh!). Personally, what strikes me most about this new service (right now) is that it has never once felt like an added "burden." My nerves aren't going nuts with the thought of the responsibility of it all or of my inadequacies and I can only attribute this to the Holy Spirit. With His leading, it's all about God and not about me or my abilities/inabilities. The glory is His. It's only about furthering His Kingdom. Would you join us in praying for this new ministry? Pray for unity. Pray for those who will be attending. Pray for us as we continue to organize and prepare. Pray, pray, pray! Prayer is way too underutilized these days, but it's the most important part of this.
Yet another thing I'm really excited about is a meeting of local youth pastors. A week and a half ago I met with a group of 3 men regarding See You At the Pole (which is tomorrow morning, prayer very welcome) planning. 2 of the guys happened to be youth pastors for local churches. The 3 of us discussed the desires we each had to meet and connect to encourage each other in our ministries and pray. This coming Monday we will have the first meeting and there will be about 7 of us in total, including my bff, Stacy. I will be hosting the first meeting at my church and we'll rotate from there. Our goal is to meet on the first Monday of every month. Just meeting with the 2 guys last week was an encouragement so I can't wait for all of us to get together. Praise Jesus for knowing just what we need!
On a completely unrelated topic, it's been hard to be away from Chicago these days. I miss my family a lot. I miss going upstairs, plopping down in a chair next to my mom, and just verbally processing my day. I miss seeing my nieces grow up and figure out life. Kayla will be 9 in about a month and a half... how is that even possible? They are both at such cool ages... learning and taking in the world around them. I wish that I could be consistent influence in their lives. I want them to know Jesus so bad. The rest of my family too, for that matter. My dad's health is ever declining and it makes me physically ill to think about it. It seems like the downward slope's gradient has increased and it's moving way too fast for me. Please pray for him and for my mom, of course... I worry about my mom's health too. They are amazing. My sister and bro-in-law got married on a beach in Florida a couple of weeks ago. It was just them and their girls. I wish I could have gone. My brother is much the same, it seems. Stagnant, I'd say. It makes me sad. I think he's been made for greater things. There's a lot of potential there. (Help him, Jesus. Help him see a need for You.) At the end of the day when I go home, I'm going home by myself. My heart has really been struggling with this lately. No pity-party, just the reality of my current situation. Jesus knows the desires of my heart, so I'll keep praying for my future husband and our kids.
I have so many other thoughts circulating and just bursting to get out, but I've got laundry to fold, animals to feed (I got a cat, btw. His name is Paka and his sole purpose is to kill crickets. He's doing his job very well so far), dinner to cook, a workout to complete, classes to study for, and Bible study to lead tonight. It's no wonder I haven't taken the time to update... I've not had it. I'm not complaining, I'm extremely grateful to God for the craziness of life right now.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
We and They
"We and They"
by Rudyard Kipling
Father, Mother, and Me,
Sister and Auntie say
All the people like us are We,
And everyone else is They.
And They live over the sea
While we live over the way,
But—would you believe it?—They look upon We
As only a sort of They!
We eat pork and beef
With cow-horn-handled knives.
They who gobble Their rice off a leaf
Are horrified out of Their lives;
While they who live up a tree,
feast on grubs and clay,
(Isn't it scandalous?) look upon We
As a simply disgusting They!
We eat kitcheny food.
We have doors that latch.
They drink milk and blood
Under an open thatch.
We have doctors to fee.
They have wizards to pay.
And (impudent heathen!) They look upon We
As a quite impossible They!
All good people agree,
And all good people say,
All nice people, like us, are We
And everyone else is They:
But if you cross over the sea,
Instead of over the way,
You may end by (think of it!) looking on We
As only a sort of They!
I've read and reread this at least a dozen times this week. Of course I feel like I understand this (though I've probably only scratched the surface) because of my time in Africa, but it also easily applies to moving and ministering here in South Jersey... a very different culture to me. It's astonishing how quickly we place others in the "they" category in (or out of) our lives. In thinking more and more about the meaning of this poem in my life, it's become clear to me that this speaks so loudly of the things Christ came to abolish in this world. I think in His eyes humanity is all "they". I think He wants us to strive to be "We" (emphasis on the capital w to denote Christ-likeness and sanctification), but recognizes our imperfect human nature. We are all "they". One is not better than the other. I'm always shocked and deeply saddened when I hear of present-day prejudices and racism. It makes me physically ill to think about how prevalent these problems are all around the world in such a time of connectivity. We have every bit of information available at our fingertips and we still choose to categorize one another.
My prayer tonight is that Jesus would enable us to see the world through His perfect eyes. That He would show us the hearts of His people and not just their outer appearance, material wealth, upbringing, social status, etc.. That we would love first instead of passing judgement or writing someone "we" think of as "they" off.
This passage has been close to my heart lately:
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from
God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not
love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love
among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live
through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent
his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved
us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love
one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
This is how we
know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the
Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the
Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will
have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect
love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears
is not made perfect in love.
We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a
brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister,
whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone
who loves God must also love their brother and sister.”
-1 John 4:7-21 (NIV, emphasis mine)
Help me love, Lord.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Just Smile
This past week was very hectic, to say the least. Not that it was bad, but it's mostly a blur now except for a few instances. One divine meeting stands out in my mind. I made a big-ish decision for myself and in doing so had some stuff to get done to see things through. That's where our story begins... ;)
I found myself standing in line waiting to speak to someone about moving forward. My mind was racing- going over all of the possibilities, thinking about my ministry, thinking about the condition of my heart, thinking about the very successful and exciting meeting I had had with a student just an hour before. I was "in the zone," so to speak, and not so aware of my surroundings. After a few minutes of being ignorant, I glanced up. The room was a flurry of people moving about, discussing the ins and outs of their decisions. I'm easily entertained and I love people-watching so instead of pulling out my phone and playing on facebook, I brought my mind to the present and observed.
Behind me in line stood a woman who looked to be in her late 40's or very early 50's. She was about my height, maybe a bit shorter. The wear and tear of life was evident in her voice and on her still beautiful face. She had a look of determination in her eyes. She was chatting rather loudly, but very lovingly to her young teenaged daughter, Ashley (she had called her by name as I eavesdropped). Her daughter did not look excited to be so stationary, but was respectful and even offered to be helpful. After a few minutes, Ashley went and sat down, playing on her phone and waiting for her mom to be finished. Clearly a bit nervous, Anthonia was flipping through her paperwork and fidgeting with her phone. We made eye contact and I shot her an understanding and encouraging smile. (I had decided that I should just smile instead of saying anything so that I could go back to being in my own world and people-watching.) God had other plans.
That smile sparked a conversation. Anthonia began speaking and sharing what she was doing there, what had led her there, and the drive behind her decisions. I listened carefully and was very engaged in the conversation, but just figured she needed to unload for a few minutes and that would be that. She asked me a few questions about myself and we bonded over the fact that we're both from big cities, Chicago and New York, and unused to such small-town living. We agreed that it's a nice change of pace, etc.. Turns out that she and Ashley only live about 10 minutes from me. She then went into more detail about her recent arrival in South Jersey. It became obvious to be that this woman was searching... for answers, for Truth, and for real Love.
I began asking more intentional questions as the Holy Spirit prompted. I asked her about Ashley. Anthonia revealed Ashley's nerves about starting at a new school (the very same school I happen to sub at once a week!) and making new friends. I told her that I know some of the kids from the school because they're in my youth group. I then explained my about my job and how God had very clearly led me here "for such a time as this." Anthonia had taken Ashley to another youth group the previous week and she had a good time, but was nervous to go back because of the small size of that youth group. She asked me many questions about my ministry and I could hardly contain myself while talking about it.
She was so excited and clearly amazed that I was there, that God had placed each of us there for that meeting. She gave me her card and wrote her cell number and new address on it. I gave her my info and encouraged her to be in touch. I was next in line and our conversation started to slow. We wished each other well as I walked away and my focus quickly turned back to the task at hand, but the conversation has lingered in my head and on my heart ever since.
There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord ordained that meeting. I still don't know why and I don't have to, but I'm really looking forward to whatever comes next. God has this way of bringing me out of myself and opening my eyes to the needs and hearts of those around me. There is nothing extraordinary about me (aside from the wonderful of joy of Christ in my life- which is huge, I know) that sets me apart from others, but it seems like God is constantly bringing people to me to vent/share. There must be some level of comfort or something that I exude and I'm so thankful. I see it not at all as a burden, but as a sweet gift from Jesus. I love being someone that others trust and feel comfortable with. What an honor that they trust me, but more importantly, that God trusts me with people's hearts. I don't claim to do or say anything great and often times I'm at a loss, but God always reveals the right words (or clamps my mouth shut when the need is simply for a listening ear).
Praise the Lord that He chooses to use me. May I never take advantage of that or lose sight of the eternal qualities that each meeting and conversation has. And praise the Lord that He uses me even when I'm wrapped up in my own life... even when I just shoot off a smile to stay closed off. Praise the Lord that each soul matters and that even when I'm being ignorant, His work is done. What a precious reminder that He chooses us... that He pursues us, in spite of ourselves. Praise the Lord that He lets me see things through His eyes, even if it takes a little slap in the face to wake me up.
God is pursuing those around us. Are we willing to plant seeds? Even in people we don't know... or in people we don't particularly care for? My prayer tonight is that my eyes and my heart would be open and sensitive to those around me, to both those I know and those I don't. It can only be done in God's strength and to Him be the glory. I sent Anthonia a card in the mail... we'll see what happens. Whatever happens (or doesn't), God is in control and I'm resting in that fact. Thanks Jesus.
I found myself standing in line waiting to speak to someone about moving forward. My mind was racing- going over all of the possibilities, thinking about my ministry, thinking about the condition of my heart, thinking about the very successful and exciting meeting I had had with a student just an hour before. I was "in the zone," so to speak, and not so aware of my surroundings. After a few minutes of being ignorant, I glanced up. The room was a flurry of people moving about, discussing the ins and outs of their decisions. I'm easily entertained and I love people-watching so instead of pulling out my phone and playing on facebook, I brought my mind to the present and observed.
Behind me in line stood a woman who looked to be in her late 40's or very early 50's. She was about my height, maybe a bit shorter. The wear and tear of life was evident in her voice and on her still beautiful face. She had a look of determination in her eyes. She was chatting rather loudly, but very lovingly to her young teenaged daughter, Ashley (she had called her by name as I eavesdropped). Her daughter did not look excited to be so stationary, but was respectful and even offered to be helpful. After a few minutes, Ashley went and sat down, playing on her phone and waiting for her mom to be finished. Clearly a bit nervous, Anthonia was flipping through her paperwork and fidgeting with her phone. We made eye contact and I shot her an understanding and encouraging smile. (I had decided that I should just smile instead of saying anything so that I could go back to being in my own world and people-watching.) God had other plans.
That smile sparked a conversation. Anthonia began speaking and sharing what she was doing there, what had led her there, and the drive behind her decisions. I listened carefully and was very engaged in the conversation, but just figured she needed to unload for a few minutes and that would be that. She asked me a few questions about myself and we bonded over the fact that we're both from big cities, Chicago and New York, and unused to such small-town living. We agreed that it's a nice change of pace, etc.. Turns out that she and Ashley only live about 10 minutes from me. She then went into more detail about her recent arrival in South Jersey. It became obvious to be that this woman was searching... for answers, for Truth, and for real Love.
I began asking more intentional questions as the Holy Spirit prompted. I asked her about Ashley. Anthonia revealed Ashley's nerves about starting at a new school (the very same school I happen to sub at once a week!) and making new friends. I told her that I know some of the kids from the school because they're in my youth group. I then explained my about my job and how God had very clearly led me here "for such a time as this." Anthonia had taken Ashley to another youth group the previous week and she had a good time, but was nervous to go back because of the small size of that youth group. She asked me many questions about my ministry and I could hardly contain myself while talking about it.
She was so excited and clearly amazed that I was there, that God had placed each of us there for that meeting. She gave me her card and wrote her cell number and new address on it. I gave her my info and encouraged her to be in touch. I was next in line and our conversation started to slow. We wished each other well as I walked away and my focus quickly turned back to the task at hand, but the conversation has lingered in my head and on my heart ever since.
There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord ordained that meeting. I still don't know why and I don't have to, but I'm really looking forward to whatever comes next. God has this way of bringing me out of myself and opening my eyes to the needs and hearts of those around me. There is nothing extraordinary about me (aside from the wonderful of joy of Christ in my life- which is huge, I know) that sets me apart from others, but it seems like God is constantly bringing people to me to vent/share. There must be some level of comfort or something that I exude and I'm so thankful. I see it not at all as a burden, but as a sweet gift from Jesus. I love being someone that others trust and feel comfortable with. What an honor that they trust me, but more importantly, that God trusts me with people's hearts. I don't claim to do or say anything great and often times I'm at a loss, but God always reveals the right words (or clamps my mouth shut when the need is simply for a listening ear).
Praise the Lord that He chooses to use me. May I never take advantage of that or lose sight of the eternal qualities that each meeting and conversation has. And praise the Lord that He uses me even when I'm wrapped up in my own life... even when I just shoot off a smile to stay closed off. Praise the Lord that each soul matters and that even when I'm being ignorant, His work is done. What a precious reminder that He chooses us... that He pursues us, in spite of ourselves. Praise the Lord that He lets me see things through His eyes, even if it takes a little slap in the face to wake me up.
God is pursuing those around us. Are we willing to plant seeds? Even in people we don't know... or in people we don't particularly care for? My prayer tonight is that my eyes and my heart would be open and sensitive to those around me, to both those I know and those I don't. It can only be done in God's strength and to Him be the glory. I sent Anthonia a card in the mail... we'll see what happens. Whatever happens (or doesn't), God is in control and I'm resting in that fact. Thanks Jesus.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
[Wo]man on the Run
"Stay in America for now. Be willing to be settled in New Jersey," said the Lord. To which I responded, "Whaaaa? Come again? Jersey? Are you sure??"
My journey started long before I accepted my current position. Jesus has been preparing my heart for this time in my life since I was born. He knew the challenges and heartache I would face (and will still face) and He also knew the joyous victories He would win (and will continue to win).
Since I turned 16, I've been on the go. My parents moved to Arizona after my sophomore year of high school (for my father's health), but allowed me to stay in Illinois and finish school with my friends. Back and forth to Arizona multiple times a year, I never felt settled. After high school I moved to small-town Indiana to attend a private Christian university. I was only a year and a half in before I decided I needed a change. I moved back to AZ, lived at home, and attended Arizona State University. One semester and many bad decisions later, I was back in Indiana where I would finish my degree. Indiana was the first place I felt settled in my "adult" life. I lived there nearly 7 years total, working for a while after college before moving back to Illinois.
When I moved back to Illinois, my second niece was born, thus my parents bought a house in IL again. With my family back and me accepting a job in ministry, you'd think I would have been content and ready to settle. Not so much. A year into that position and the Lord called me (very clearly) to Uganda. Without a third thought (because I'm sure there was a second thought), I moved to Africa for a year. When that incredible, life changing year was up, I wanted nothing more than to be back in Africa asap. I was back in IL for about 16 months, working for my family (for the "family business" if you will), and doing youth ministry with my home church. I got nice and comfortable and into a routine, but went back to Uganda gladly, knowing that Jesus was asking me to go again. It was a bit of a rough year, to put it mildly, but the Lord moved and I saw MANY lives changed and experienced things I never could have imagined, glory to God.
Coming home from Uganda was necessary, but very painful. It's a weird feeling to have your heart split in half... I guess that's the best way to describe it. My heart literally aches to be back in Africa sometimes and I miss my African family more than I'll ever let on. It was in that time of reverse culture shock, anger, relief, confusion, uncertainty, etc. that Jesus opened the door to come to South Jersey. It's miraculous and perfect because He timed it that way. There's no denying that I have been placed here "for such a time as this." Thinking of the old testament story of Queen Esther's rise to power and her choice to "risk it all" for the Jews, I'm somehow assured of my place here. God doesn't make mistakes. Duh.
So for just over a year now I've been living and working in small-town South Jersey for such a time as this. Within the first month of being here, I had plenty of very significant interactions with people and new relationships began to form. God sure didn't let up after that first month either. He continues to move and inspire awe in me. He reveals more of His plan slowly by slowly, as the Africans say. Bit by bit, it's like living in a perpetual cliffhanger, but somehow I'm okay with it.
The norm for me has been to move on after about a year, right? And in some of those cases it was because I had something to move on from. It's easier to cut ties when you don't commit for too long, yeah? There's less chance of getting hurt, but if you've already been hurt, it somehow makes it easier to leave. Twice in the past year I have seriously questioned God's placement and timing. In spite of myself, He's continued to reassure me. (In reality it's a bit silly to doubt the Creator of the universe, but when tough times come it's all too natural... thank you, human nature.)
There are some VERY exciting things ahead in ministry and I'm so blessed and honored to be a part of them. Despite the current condition of my heart, God moves freely. As I wrestle with what it actually means to be settled (building a family, getting a master's degree or two, etc.??) I rest in His arms. Thankfully, my past doesn't define my future. I've been given the opportunity to be obedient and to move forward. I'm free from past sin, guilt, and shame. It's a freedom I briefly wrote about here before accepting this position. People's definitions of me don't define me because I know who I am in Christ and it's Him I answer to. The things I once chose aren't the things I choose now. I digress.
As I look back on another post from when I accepted this job and then think about events that have transpired since being here, it's undeniable, praise the Lord, that I'm supposed to be settled here. Figuring out "being settled" won't happen with the snap of my fingers or the throwing of any tantrums.
So now I look ahead, but not too far ahead. I eagerly anticipate the things to come. My heart still takes some convincing once in a while, but thankfully Jesus is patient with me.
My journey started long before I accepted my current position. Jesus has been preparing my heart for this time in my life since I was born. He knew the challenges and heartache I would face (and will still face) and He also knew the joyous victories He would win (and will continue to win).
Since I turned 16, I've been on the go. My parents moved to Arizona after my sophomore year of high school (for my father's health), but allowed me to stay in Illinois and finish school with my friends. Back and forth to Arizona multiple times a year, I never felt settled. After high school I moved to small-town Indiana to attend a private Christian university. I was only a year and a half in before I decided I needed a change. I moved back to AZ, lived at home, and attended Arizona State University. One semester and many bad decisions later, I was back in Indiana where I would finish my degree. Indiana was the first place I felt settled in my "adult" life. I lived there nearly 7 years total, working for a while after college before moving back to Illinois.
When I moved back to Illinois, my second niece was born, thus my parents bought a house in IL again. With my family back and me accepting a job in ministry, you'd think I would have been content and ready to settle. Not so much. A year into that position and the Lord called me (very clearly) to Uganda. Without a third thought (because I'm sure there was a second thought), I moved to Africa for a year. When that incredible, life changing year was up, I wanted nothing more than to be back in Africa asap. I was back in IL for about 16 months, working for my family (for the "family business" if you will), and doing youth ministry with my home church. I got nice and comfortable and into a routine, but went back to Uganda gladly, knowing that Jesus was asking me to go again. It was a bit of a rough year, to put it mildly, but the Lord moved and I saw MANY lives changed and experienced things I never could have imagined, glory to God.
Coming home from Uganda was necessary, but very painful. It's a weird feeling to have your heart split in half... I guess that's the best way to describe it. My heart literally aches to be back in Africa sometimes and I miss my African family more than I'll ever let on. It was in that time of reverse culture shock, anger, relief, confusion, uncertainty, etc. that Jesus opened the door to come to South Jersey. It's miraculous and perfect because He timed it that way. There's no denying that I have been placed here "for such a time as this." Thinking of the old testament story of Queen Esther's rise to power and her choice to "risk it all" for the Jews, I'm somehow assured of my place here. God doesn't make mistakes. Duh.
So for just over a year now I've been living and working in small-town South Jersey for such a time as this. Within the first month of being here, I had plenty of very significant interactions with people and new relationships began to form. God sure didn't let up after that first month either. He continues to move and inspire awe in me. He reveals more of His plan slowly by slowly, as the Africans say. Bit by bit, it's like living in a perpetual cliffhanger, but somehow I'm okay with it.
The norm for me has been to move on after about a year, right? And in some of those cases it was because I had something to move on from. It's easier to cut ties when you don't commit for too long, yeah? There's less chance of getting hurt, but if you've already been hurt, it somehow makes it easier to leave. Twice in the past year I have seriously questioned God's placement and timing. In spite of myself, He's continued to reassure me. (In reality it's a bit silly to doubt the Creator of the universe, but when tough times come it's all too natural... thank you, human nature.)
There are some VERY exciting things ahead in ministry and I'm so blessed and honored to be a part of them. Despite the current condition of my heart, God moves freely. As I wrestle with what it actually means to be settled (building a family, getting a master's degree or two, etc.??) I rest in His arms. Thankfully, my past doesn't define my future. I've been given the opportunity to be obedient and to move forward. I'm free from past sin, guilt, and shame. It's a freedom I briefly wrote about here before accepting this position. People's definitions of me don't define me because I know who I am in Christ and it's Him I answer to. The things I once chose aren't the things I choose now. I digress.
As I look back on another post from when I accepted this job and then think about events that have transpired since being here, it's undeniable, praise the Lord, that I'm supposed to be settled here. Figuring out "being settled" won't happen with the snap of my fingers or the throwing of any tantrums.
So now I look ahead, but not too far ahead. I eagerly anticipate the things to come. My heart still takes some convincing once in a while, but thankfully Jesus is patient with me.
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