A Relative Term

I've been back in the US for about 10 days now.  My flights were uneventful and went off without a hitch.  The first leg of my journey was traveled with the Ackers as they came back for Christmas.  It was nice to travel with friends and the short layover in London went by faster than I imagined it could with them there too.  We had breakfast and relaxed for a short time before I left for my flight to Chicago.  The flight from London seemed to take a lot longer than 8 hours and 40 minutes, but I made it and so did all of my luggage.  I got through customs easily and was with my family within an hour of getting off of the plane.  That's not always the case at Chicago O'hare, let me tell you!

We got home from the airport, I greeted everyone, took a shower, and then relaxed with the family until it was late enough to justify sleeping.  I slept for a good 10 hours that night.  The next day I hung out and got ready to surprise my youth kids at Bible study.  Things went well and they were really surprised to see me.  It was a lot of fun and a huge blessing to be back with the kids I love so much!

Since then I've been hanging out with youth kids and trying to adjust.  Christmas was good... we hosted my dad's side of the family for Christmas Eve, so I got to see most of my extended family right away.  My brother spent the long weekend with us which was nice too.

Adjusting has been much harder this time than it was last time.  Or at least harder than I can remember last time being.  The relationships that I built are so precious, especially with my students from the Centre and I already miss them.  I'm also already missing the laughter of my Sudanese friends and the fun, yet informative conversations we always had.  I learned so much from so many people this year.  I'm completely blessed and honored to have been a part of so many people's lives.  I feel so privileged so have been able to work with the people that I did.  Thanks be to God for an amazing opportunity!

I've said many times that the past year wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't.  However, I wouldn't change the decision to go.  I was clearly called by God for such a time and He didn't say it would be easy.  Good thing He didn't say that... because it wasn't, but throughout the difficult times God carried me.  He didn't just stand beside me, He carried me.  I'm amazed as I look back over the year at how many tricky situations arose and see that it was only by God's strength that I made it through.

Anyway I've hardly begun to process anything and I'm not going to do it here, but something I've been thinking about for the past 10 days is that "home" is a relative term.  Yes, this is my home if we're talking about where I'm from and where I grew up.  Also if we're talking about where my family is and where I am currently living.  Home is more than those things, although those things are an important part of home.  Everyone keeps asking if I'm glad to be home.  Yes, I'm glad to be with my family and friends, but I've not quite been able to say a resounding "yes!" about being glad to be home.  Let me be clear that I LOVE my family and I'm so thankful for them!  I haven't been able to say a resounding "yes" because I don't yet feel at home.  Sure, things are normal and I'm definitely comfortable, but my heart is still 9,000 miles away.  It's still with my students, the orphans, and my friends (family) in Uganda.  When I'm in Uganda, I feel at home.

I know that once I get a job and get into some sort of routine, things will change.  I just don't want to become complacent and mundane.  I don't want to stop serving because I'm here and not there.  Please God, remind of this!

One other thing... I'd really appreciate some prayer for my physical health.  I'm not feeling well and I don't just mean a cold.  However, I don't have any health insurance so a doctor visit will be expensive, but it's definitely needed.  Ugh.  Pray for complete healing, even now so that tomorrow when I wake up I don't even have to think about going to the doctor.  Thanks!!

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas.  Blessings!

The Great Kidney Stone of 2011

I don't normally teach ESL class on Mondays, but we're trying to finish our book so I can give my students certificates.  After a very productive class I headed out, walking down towards the main road, trying to make it without getting rained on.  I walked about a mile or so down the road, crossed and went into the mechanic's compound to pick my car.  The car was ready so I hopped in and started for home.  I still had to grab a pair of pants and socks for some volleyball... a skirt and flip flops just don't cut it.  Once I had the necessary items I was on my way.  Destination:  Ackers.  Reason: babysit.

I got to the Ackers and was greeted happily by their youngest, KJ.  She had made a shaker out of rocks, dirt, a paper cup, and a lid.  So proud.  The Ackers left rather quickly and the babysitting began.  I love their girls so I'm always happy to hang out with them.  AG, the oldest really wanted to show me a new tree, so the three of us ventured around back to check it out.  From there we went back and greeted all the guys and their friends who are home from boarding school for the long holiday.  We all decided that we would play volleyball.

Before volleyball though, the girlies wanted their nails painted.  So we did a quick mani/pedi session, myself included thanks to AG.  I fixed them their dinner and they sat eating outside as the guys gathered to get our game started.  Teams were formed, the girls finished eating and went down to their swingset to play, I changed and was out on the court.  The girls played very nicely together as we played 3 good games of volleyball.  After the third game I could tell the girls were growing impatient.  So I took them and we went inside for bath time.  After getting all clean, brushing their teeth, reading their books, I read a Christmas story to them, we prayed, and they drifted off to sleep.  They didn't argue about sleeping or anything... it was awesome!  So thankful for a generator, since the power was out for the bedtime routine.

After they were asleep I sat down and was chatting Francis, who's staying there these days.  The generator needed to go off about an hour after the girls went to sleep.  Fuel isn't cheap!  So Francis came in to chat and we waited for Saudi, Aljeli, Hussein, and the others to finish showering and come join us.  Saudi reminded me that I owed him a pop, so I gave him some money, he grabbed some bottles, and went with Aljeli to buy some pop down the road.  

After about 20 minutes or so I wasn't feeling well.  I first started to feel nauseous even though I hadn't felt hungry enough to eat anything since lunch.  I knew there wasn't much in me besides water, but still didn't want anyone around if I was going to barf.  The heavy nausea passed pretty quickly, but not before some very excruciating pain began in my lower back... right where my left kidney is located.  Kidney stone (I assumed since my mom and brother both suffer from them from time to time).  I couldn't think of anything to do, but I knew sitting wasn't helping.  I began rapidly pacing the house.  Thankfully Francis went back to his room because I was so nervous about eventually throwing up.

After another 30 minutes or so it was time for the generator to go off.  I turned on the little solar lantern and called the guys to switch it off.  It went off and I placed the lantern in just the right place so I could continue walking my path through the kitchen, into the dining room, and around the coffee table in the living room, back through the kitchen.  Saudi and Aljeli came back with the pop, but I couldn't even think about taking anything, but water.  I thanked them, but told them I was sick.  They left and went to the back.  For the next 30 minutes I kept up a steady pace around the house, by this time I had been walking for about an hour and a half.  I was drinking lots of water to try to flush it out if it was a kidney stone, but drinking made me feel sick.  The pain never let up whatsoever.  I tried sitting and then laying in every position imaginable, but nothing worked.  The pain refused to ease, so the best thing I could do was walk.  I looked like a crazy person walking my planned out figure 8 when the Ackers arrived home.  They had called to check on things, so they were aware of my situation and not so surprised to see me walking, almost ignoring them completely.  We talked through options, they called the hospital, but I decided I didn't want to go.  I was pretty sure the hospital would make me lay down and I definitely didn't want to do that.  So, I kept walking.

So after some deliberation I decided to go home, knowing the ride would be excruciating but also knowing I couldn't drive my car.  Jade drove me, accompanied by two of the guys.  It was not nearly as bad as it could have been... they kept talking which was a helpful distraction.  I knew being home would be more comfortable especially not knowing how long it might have gone on.

When I got home my walking and drinking water continued for another couple of hours.  The pain had begun to move to the side and was not lessening, but not growing worse.  I tried to lay down around 1am, completely exhausted.  I was able to lay and rock my knees, but I still wasn't comfortable.  After all of the water I had been drinking my trips to the bathroom were frequent, but not pleasant at all.  By the time 5am rolled around I could hardly keep walking.  I took more ibuprofen and laid down.  I slept on and off for the next couple of hours, getting up numerous times to use the bathroom.  At 7:30 a.m. I called another missionary and asked her to take me to the hospital later in the day.

By the time we left for the hospital the pain was about 80% gone.  I was exhausted and extremely sore.  The conclusion was that I had had a kidney stone, but passed it.  There were no other stones detected during the ultra sound, praise the Lord!  One semi-funny thing from the hospital... the ultra sound tech did an ultra sound of my entire abdomen, wanting to see all of the organs that could be culprits of the pain.  After getting the kidneys, bladder, lady organs, and stomach, he kept digging that stupid ultra sound thing into my upper right ribcage.  I was getting annoyed because it hurt, also I had to use the bathroom really bad because you have to have a full bladder for the scan.  He asked when I has eaten last, assuming food was the reason he couldn't find what he was looking for.  I hadn't eaten much of anything for about 24 hours.  I asked him in an angry voice, "what are you looking for?!"  He said he was having trouble finding my gall bladder.  I pushed the ultra sound thing away angrily, and exclaimed, "I don't have a gall bladder!!"  He said, "well that would explain why I can't find it."  Duh.  I was so annoyed. 

I went home, ate some dinner and was asleep by 8 last night.  I did wake at 2am, but was able to go back to sleep around 3.  Today, I'm still a bit sore, but well rested and ready for the day!

The end.

A Heavenly Sound

This past Sunday was another worship night with Studio_10 at Heritage International School.  I love worship nights and this is actually the last one before both Francis (who's in charge) and myself are no longer in the country.  He'll be heading to South Africa in early January and I come home in January.  We've been doing these worship nights together since the first one in 2008.  I love being a part of Studio_10.  Anyways on Sunday we were set to go... musicians in place, singers on our mics and people in their seats ready to worship.  Just as the first song began about 10 of my students from the Centre came in and sat down.

In no way did I ever expect them to come to a Christian worship night, but they did and God constantly reminds me that He is the One in control.  Praise be to God!!  It was amazing to watch these students reading the powerpoint and singing along to the songs they're used to hearing at Bible study each week.  I couldn't help but lift my hands up, praising God for how He's moving in their lives. 

What an amazing blessing!  And of course it was a very sweet time of worship.  The presence God was strong in that place and I'm praying that hearts were changed and softened.

Monday I went to the baby home to hang with E, unfortunately he was sleeping up until we were walking out of the place.  Luckily I peeked  my head back in the room where his crib was before leaving.  He was laying quietly, waiting to be fed and changed.  I went over, and started talking to him and his face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning.  So I snuggled him for a minute before giving him to an auntie to care for him.  

I decided today that I didn't want to go a whole week without hanging out with him, so I went back this afternoon.  He was wide awake and we got to play for an hour before I had to head off to Bible study.  He was thrilled to see me again and we spent the hour just giggling and talking.  He makes the sweetest sounds when he's "talking".  He has a bit of a cough and it could become an upper respiratory infection (according to Dr. Christina) so I'm a bit worried about him.  I'll probably go check on him Friday too, just to be sure he's not getting worse.

From the baby home I went straight to the Centre for Bible study.  This is one of the best parts of my week.  I sat down in between those same students who came to worship night and enjoyed the time of prayer, worship, and Bible storying.  It's always encouraging to see the large number of students who attend, but what's even more encouraging is that many are not of the Christian faith... as I'm sure you've gathered throughout this year.  Anyways one of the last songs we sang was How Great is Our God.  As I sat there eyes closed, focused, and singing, I heard with more confidence than I ever have, the sweet voices of my non-Christian students singing along.  It was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.  I could just picture heaven rejoicing and hearts being changed.  I'm just in awe of Jesus.  He's heavily pursuing these amazing students and I'm praying that their response is not long off.  Join me, please.

Heaven is going to be so awesome!  If you've ever heard angels sing, you know what I'm hearing.  Choirs of millions singing in perfect harmony.  All ages and nationalities represented, singing perfect praises to the King of Kings.  Come Lord Jesus!

"E"

As I pull into the orphanage I'm greeted by sounds of loud, raucous laughter and even some tears from the infants.  The house that the orphanage is in is fairly big, but I can see that the need is growing.  It seems like every week there's a new baby.  I don't just mean 6 month old, I'm talking days old.  These tiny, precious lives are just thrown away.  I don't understand.

I walk around to the back door, take my shoes off, and head inside.  The first task is hand washing.  It's so important for the health of the babies that volunteers come in clean.  After washing my hands I head to the infant room to see if I can find my little buddy.

Meet "E"

This is "E".  He's incredibly precious!  The first time I visited Loving Hearts Babies Home was back in May.  E had just arrived to the home then and was very, very tiny and very malnourished.  That first day, I fell in love with him.  He had these big beautiful eyes that just shined so brightly.  He was only a week or 2 old at the time.  He's now about 5 months.  As you can see, he's still really small for a 5 month old, but he's doing much better health-wise.

Now every week when I go to Loving Hearts, E is the first one I greet.  I should feel guilty about ignoring the others... there are SO many of them, but I don't.  E is my special buddy.  From the moment I get him out of his crib to change him and play with him, he's smiling.  When the "aunties" who work there hand him off to me, he smiles.  He's not the easiest little guy to make smile, but for me, he smiles brightly.

I didn't realize until yesterday just how attached I had become.  I was there with a couple of other missionaries, who I usually go with.  I handed E off to Austin, one of the missionary kids so that I could scoot one of the other babies up in their bouncer.  Austin was sitting with E playing happily and I decided to pick up another sweet little girl who I've been playing with since she was a week old too.  We played for a few minutes then I was walking around the room with her... handing toys to the others who were just sitting there playing alone.  

The room was loud and bustling with movement of the toddlers, but apparently I got close enough to E that he heard my voice.  He stopped what he was doing and started to get a little fussy for Austin.  Austin said, "he was fine until he heard you!"  So I backed away so that Austin could keep playing with him, but after maybe 10 minutes he began to fuss again.  I went over and traded babies with him.  As soon as E was in my arms he was calm and even a little smiley again.  

Now with my nieces when they were little it was similar unless their parents were around... especially Kayla.  So I definitely understand that it's common for babies to learn your smell and voice, and to become attached.  But this feels different.  I only see him once a week or so.  Even the "aunties" have commented on his behavior with me.  It's amazing.  Just out of curiosity I asked about his status... if he was already in the process of being adopted or not.  I really want to see him go to a really good home.  He's so sweet and he's really affectionate.  

The woman in the office who I asked about it asked me if I was wanting to adopt him.  My immediate response was, "no, I'm single and I don't want children until I'm married."  As I walked away, got in my car and drove away I couldn't stop thinking about E.  Let me be clear in saying that there's no way I can adopt him right now.  First of all, I don't want kids right now.  Second, being single really does make a difference.  Third, E has an older sister and they're a "package deal".  However, I can't help but want to love in this sweet little life as much as possible before I go... especially because he loves me so much.  :)

Life in an orphanage is better than no life, but it's far from great.  There are just not enough people willing to love on all of the kids that are in all of the orphanages around the world.  Loving Hearts is just one place with 25 or so kids.  Think of the thousands of places around the world.  While I was there yesterday a new baby girl was brought in.  We guessed that she's around 4 months old.  She is pretty chubby which means she wasn't neglected, but one day someone decided they didn't want her anymore, dropped her at the police post and left.  HOW??  Why?  As I looked into her sweet, confused eyes I couldn't help but tear up.  How could someone just leave such a sweet girl?  How could someone just toss E away like he's nothing?  How could all of these kids sit in an orphanage starved for love for weeks, months, and years?  

I can't imagine tossing a kid away, but so many of the cases here are just that.  Irresponsible people unable to deal with the consequences of their actions.  A new generation being tossed away.  A new generation with aids.  Precious lives given up.  How many die in the street when they're left?  How many never make it to an orphanage?  Praise the Lord for places like Loving Hearts who give kids a chance.

This isn't my first experience with an orphanage, but it sure is the first time that I've built a such a relationship with a child.  

I'm going to step down off of my soapbox now... Jesus come!  Pray for babies like E to be adopted into loving, Christ-centered families.  Pray for their lives and emotions as they grow.  Pray that the Lord would touch their lives in a special way and bring comfort and joy where it's needed.  Come Lord Jesus, come!

Sleep, School, and Sun

A correction to my last post... Yes, I am aware that it was Isaac who was to be sacrificed.  I copied and pasted my info and didn't look at it closely enough.  Thankfully a friend pointed out the mistake and it's now fixed.

I'm still not sleeping well.  For the past month or so I've had more restless/sleepless nights than I think I've ever had in my life.  I've given in and taken tylenol pm a couple of times just to stay sane.  So far so good.  I think it's all catching up to me now though.  Every night I get into bed with a headache and each morning I get out of bed with a headache.  Throughout the day it's bearable, but I'm thinking if I would just sleep it would all go away.  Who knows?  My body is exhausted, but my mind continues to race.  There's so much to do here.  Lots of projects to tie up well.  Lots of people to spend lots of time with.  An important relationship to mend.  Not knowing when I'm coming back is starting to get to me.  However, grad school awaits and is important.  Especially for the long run.  If I want to come back here on a more permanent basis getting my masters is essential.

I'm hoping to take the GRE in January and finish applying to grad schools by March.  I haven't even started the process because I just don't have time right now.  The school I want to go to is going to be tough for me to get in to because of my undergrad GPA so I'm hoping that I can do well on the GRE.  I've done fairly well with standardized tests in the past, but I've been out of school for a looooong time now.

My plan at this point is to get my masters in Christian counseling, specializing in trauma and PTSD.  Not only will this enable me to be a better missionary, especially working with refugees and child soldiers, but it will also help me to be a better youth pastor.  Win-win if you ask me.  Thinking about paying for grad school is intimidating and very much discouraging, but I'm trusting that God will make a way and I'll be able to pay tuition each term somehow.  I'm excited about the prospect of finishing and being able to be here more permanently.  We'll see what God has for me though... hopefully a husband is in the near future!  Ministry here seems to flow more easily when you're married.  This will also help with the whole getting-proposed-to-all-the-time problem that I seem to have.  IDK, maybe my husband is here.  God knows.

Something else I'm excited about is seeing Lino and Angelo.  They don't know this yet and I doubt that they read my blog, but two weeks after I get home I'm going to see them!  I just booked my flight yesterday and I couldn't be more pumped!  I miss those guys so much and I'm blessed to have this opportunity to spend some time with them.

Lino!

It's going to be so fun to hang out with them on my home continent!

Anyways, the other day I was running around trying to get some stuff done while I had some free time and for the first time in a long time I boda-ed everywhere.  I've been driving places for security purposes, but I've been feeling completely trapped!  So I called my boda guy with three stops in mind.  He came about 3 minutes later and we started the journey.  It was blindingly bright and sunny, so in my tank top I was excited to get some sun on my skin.  The rainy season has been a drag and it was a nice change to be really hot.  I ran errands for about 2.5 hours and enjoyed every minute that the sun soaked into my skin.  It was lovely to finally feel free again!  It was also lovely to get my tan on.  I'm determined to soak up every ounce of sun that I can, knowing it'll be at least 5 months before I see it again.

While out, I was once again reminded of how much I love living in Uganda.  Also, of how much I love Africans.  What a huge blessing to live in this place and be able to call it home.  Even when we don't have power or hot water, I love it.  Praise the Lord for the privilege of being here and the work He's doing in my heart because of it!

Eid, New Sisters, and More!

Eid al-Adha or just Eid is a holiday celebrated to remember the willingness of Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac as an act of obedience to God before God stopped him and provided a sheep to sacrifice instead.  There are two Eid celebrations each year.  The first one celebrates the end of Ramadan, the second one is about 70 days later.  I had the amazing privilege of celebrating the second Eid with an amazing family that I work with here!  This family is such a joy and I can't even express how sad I'm going to be to say goodbye to them when the time comes.

I'm seriously so honored to get to be a part of their family.  Mama has 16 kids... no multiples in there and she says she would have had 24 if they didn't have to leave their country.  "Enough for two football teams."  Wow!  What a strong, strong woman!  Here are some pictures from that day.

Love!

This makes me so happy!

My buddy!

Love her!

And her!

Mama is amazing!

Aren't they beautiful??   Wow, I just love them and I love being invited to these fun events!  I've learned so much from this fantastic family in the past year... praise the Lord!

Focus... so the day of Eid I went over to their house and was greeted by some yummy treats.  First we had coffee (which isn't my fave, but with the right amount of sugar is fine) and sweets.  I can't remember the name of one of the cookies, but it's delicious.  Then a bit later we had the main course which had of course been slaughtered that day.  The women cooked all day in order to feed everyone and it was good!!  We had goat meat... including the stomach and intestines (which is a delicacy) rice, colored potatoes, salads, and cabbage.  There was probably more, but I can't remember it all.  The only thing I really struggle with is the stomach and intestines... they're sooooo jiggly which is a texture I just can't do, although the flavor isn't terrible.  Anyway, it was yummy and the women did an amazing job.

We all ate together (the ladies and guys who weren't in the family).  After we finished, the men of the house came in and got their food.  They ate in the other room... men and women generally don't eat together.  It was just a completely blessed day.  It always amazes me how hard these women work.  The food prep took all day and many of them were working to make sure we, the guests were all taken care of.  Their hosting ability is impressive!  You'll never leave their house on an empty stomach, that's for sure!

In other news, another two women from that same hotel have given their lives to Christ!!  I had the privilege of praying with one of them today to accept Jesus.  It was beautiful.  The energy and sheer enthusiasm these women have is admirable.  3 new sisters in less than a week!  God is doing big things at that hotel.  I'm so grateful to be a part of sharing Christ with these ladies.  It's been really great to be able to sit down with them and learn about their lives and even to hear their reasons for converting.  I love hearing their stories and seeing the joy on their faces after they accept the Lord.  Incredible!

I've been going to the baby home a lot and holding some precious little orphans.  It's been a blast to go each week... on the way there we "call" or "reserve" the babies that we've bonded with.  It's just awesome.  The place I go has a high turnover rate, which is a really good thing... it means these kids are being adopted out and they all go to amazing homes.  I've met some really beautiful people who are adopting from the home.  It's really encouraging to see how well taken care of the kids are.  I know it's for the best, but I actually get sad when I hear that this kid or that baby is being adopted.  It's selfish, but I love going, knowing who I'm going to get to hold and play with.  It's also been really sweet to watch the tiny babies grow.  Some come in in terrible condition.  One of my favorites was incredibly malnourished and sickly when he can in.  He only weighed about 5 pounds.  He's now fattening up a bit and his smile is unbelievable!  Even his eyes shine!  I'm so excited that he's been chosen to be adopted, but a bit sad to see him go.  It's a privilege to hold these tiny infants and watch them grow and develop in amazing ways because they're loved and cared for.  Thank you Jesus!  I'm also really glad that others are patient enough to hang out with the toddlers... don't get me wrong, I love playing with toddlers, but when there are 20 of them climbing on you, it's not fun!!  So I opt to grab a tiny one from their crib and hold them the whole time... this prevents the jumping toddlers... most of the time.

The situation in Sudan is growing more intense.  Things are getting worse and worse.  People are dying, fleeing, struggling... and it's going unnoticed.  One of my dear Sudanese brothers has lost his father due to the situation.  It's just terrible.  Please, please continue to pray for Sudan and South Sudan.  A major storm is brewing between the two nations.  This will only add to the death count.  It's not just lives that are being lost, it's souls being lost for eternity.  Pray for those who don't know Christ (SOOO many don't) and pray for a miracle in the North's government.

A New Sister!

Sometimes hundreds and thousands of people raise their hands, pray, and accept Christ.  Sometimes it's a group of ten or twenty people.  Sometimes it's no one.  When we speak to large groups or when there's an alter call it's almost expected that at least one will go forward and accept the Lord.  However sometimes it's not like that at all.  Sometimes it's a completely different story.

I want to tell you about a girl I met this week.  We'll call her Ruth, though that's not her real name.  WGM has some people in town this week for crusades and for a pastor's conference.  These people are staying at a local hotel and like many local places, the staff live where they work.  Over the last week or so they've gotten to know some of the staff members, or at least they've been able to wave a friendly "hello" on their way too and from different events.

On Tuesday of this week, Ruth stopped one of them on their way out and asked that they be praying for her.  Without asking too many questions, he told her he would be praying for her.  I then got a phone call asking if I would go and meet with her due to cultural propriety.  It's not appropriate for a man and a woman to meet in private.  It was explained to me that Ruth was a Muslim, but she was wanting to talk and pray with a Christian.  I have spent much of my time building relationships with and ministering to some amazing people who also happen to be Muslim.  When Ruth explained her request, I was the first person he thought of to talk to her.

So Wednesday morning I hopped on a boda and made my way to the hotel.  I found Ruth quite easily, but became discouraged when she told me she didn't have time to meet with me.  She explained her schedule and we decided that I would come back at around 3 that afternoon, after my Kiswahili lesson.  The lesson ended and I headed back to the hotel, praying along the way.  

I found Ruth easily and we went down to the dinning area to chat.  We said basic greetings for a minute before I asked her what was going on... what she wanted prayer for.  She told me that she is struggling and that's she's been sick for a long time with pneumonia, but is still needing treatment and medicine.  We talked a few minutes about that before she said, "but I really just want to change my life."  That was it.  She knew what she wanted and knew why I was there.  

I asked her how she heard about Jesus and what she knew about him.  We talked for a little bit about that and then we talked for a while about becoming a Christian, what it means... especially coming from a Muslim background where she would no longer be accepted at home.  She knew that by converting her family would disown her and that things would not be easy, but she didn't care.  She was ready to accept Jesus.  

I asked her if she was ready to pray and she said she was.  So I asked her to repeat after me and we prayed the prayer!  I then prayed for her and her new life in Christ.  After we prayed we rejoiced together for some time and then I talked to her about getting involved in a church body and fellowshipping with other believers.  I told her about the Bible study I help with on Wednesday nights and that there are people of many different religious backgrounds who attend.  I told her she would fit right in!  I also told her about the church that I normally attend on Sundays.  I explained a bit about discipleship and really staying connected to the Body of Christ.  We talked about the importance of prayer and being in the Word.  She said she didn't have a Bible, so I promised I'd get her one.  I asked if she had any questions or anything that she wanted to talk about and she didn't.  So we exchanged phone numbers, hugged, and I left to get ready for Bible study.  I bought her a Bible that day and it was given to her that evening, hallelujah!

First of all, praise the Lord for Ruth's life!  Praise His name for softening another heart and revealing Himself.  It was so astonishing to me how ready she was.  I found out later that one of our pastors had been witnessing to her for some time, but for whatever reason she hadn't been ready, 100% sure, up until that point.  I'm thankful that God was willing to use me to pray with Ruth.  

Working with Muslims is amazing and I love each and everyone of them.  However I've often found myself feeling frustrated at the lack of response to the Gospel.  I hear people speak and get excited and fall more in love with Jesus, they hear it and clap because it was a nice message.  Not every single Muslim person responds that way... and everyone is different.  

There is so much hope and Wednesday with Ruth was a reminder of that and a reminder of why I'll continue to love on these men and women who need to know Jesus.  These aren't just lost souls, these are my friends whom I love dearly.  These are men and women, boys and girls who have touched my life.  These ones are just the tip of the iceberg.  I look at the faces of the people I love and pray for miracles in their lives.  Many, many Muslims come to know Jesus through visions.  I pray for visions, for softened hearts, for truth to stick.  I pray for my brothers and sisters to rally in prayer for these souls.  I pray for a revolution.  

Yet I know the risks... I've seen the results of even corresponding with Christians.  It can be dangerous for them.  Lives are threatened daily.  Imagine being a part of a culture and religion that shuns you and/or takes your life if you turn away.  Your family rejects you and even turns on you.  Your own brother chases you.  Imagine hearing the truth, wanting to convert, but fearing for your life.  It might be easy for us to say, "it's worth it."  We have everything and we worship in complete freedom, almost no fear of oppression.  When you're a 13 year old girl with no means of surviving without your family, what choices do you have?  It's very serious.  

How do I know these risks are real?  They've happened to some of the very people I know and love.

I'm rejoicing with Ruth over her new life in Christ.  I'm more thankful than I can even explain to live where I live and love who I love.  Pray for the souls that haven't yet been won!  Let's get on our knees and plead for these ones.  Amen.

Butterfly Effect

One decision can change everything.  One bad choice.  One good choice.  Some times a choice isn't bad until the outcome is very far from what you expected.

Today I'm at a loss.  Feeling more than responsible for the choices and actions of others.  My life looks different than it did just a few months ago.  One choice has changed everything.  I'm facing consequences that I never would have thought possible.  I've lost friends and family.  Things have become lonely.  All because of a choice.  I can't change the past, but the past sure is determining my immediate future.

One choice has triggered a series of events all leading up to this isolation.  Have you ever seen the movie the Butterfly Effect?  I wish I could go back and change one thing, but unlike in the movie, I can't so I'll continue to do my best to move forward.

Something I've been thinking about a lot are my words and actions and how they're perceived.  Living in a different culture, there is the constant challenge of knowing what's culturally appropriate or not.  For the most part I have an understanding of normal daily activities and expectations.  But things aren't always as they seem.  Minds understand and handle life differently.  Actions may be perceived as very different than they were meant to.

I've been struggling a bit to know how to pray through this current conundrum.  Satan uses this opportunity as a slight to my faith, but I simply say that I know and trust God.  Sometimes there's nothing harder than completely surrendering a situation, especially when you want to fix it yourself.  It's so hard to sit idly by.  BUT I do trust God.  I know that even when I'm having some issues with doubts, God is bigger.  I trust the Lord.  It's all I can do right now.

In the garden of Gethsemane as death drew nearer Jesus had the faith to say, "not my will, but Your's be done"... Imagine the trust that Jesus had in the Father as He hung upon the cross, taking the wrath meant for the rest of humanity.  Some would say that that's utter foolishness... I say let me be the biggest fool then!  Let me trust God so implicitly that even in this time of extreme hurt and confusion, I can still sing praises to my King.  Amen.

No Naked Flames

I haven't done a normal update in a little while, so here it is.

Ministry at the Centre of Hope is going well.  I still love my class and they are doing really well!  We've been learning some really tough stuff, but it seems like they're keeping up with it pretty well.  I'm so proud of them!  Relationships continue to grow and the weekly Bible study is still going strong.  People are showing up and hearing about God when they may otherwise never hear the truth.  It's my joy to be a part of such an amazing ministry.

I'm realizing that my time here is coming to a close really quickly.  Too quickly.  I've almost started to panic because there's so much I want to do and so many places I still want to go.  It seems like there should be enough time for everything, but this year has just flown by.  I can't believe November is here.  Because of field visitors and meetings, my month is pretty much all planned out.  There are lots of things happening in the next two weeks.  Some of the "big wigs" are here from headquarters, so there's lots going on.  Crusades, pastor conferences, youth conferences, the church leadership installation and all kinds of stuff.  It's really an exciting time, but it means that most of this month will fly by because of the busy schedule.  I'm looking forward to field Thanksgiving and a time to relax with my fellow missionaries.

I'm also hoping to go away the first weekend in December.  Due to a situation here, I've more or less been stuck on my compound for the past two weeks.  I've still be able to teach my class and get my work done, but I've been feeling completely trapped.  My life is some what contingent on someone else right now, so it's been quite rough.  I won't go into details, but I'm asking for much prayer for this situation.  I want to be completely clear... I'm safe, there's no physical danger to me.  However, because of the situation I feel very limited and discouraged.  My heart is heavy and I'm dealing with a lot of emotions these days.  Your prayers are important.  God is good.

I've recently gotten contact lenses because I hate wearing my glasses, but had been getting major headaches.  I've had them for a week and they're still not very comfortable.  In fact yesterday I looked ridiculous and like I was crying because they were being so annoying and irritating.  My eyes were all watery and red.  I happened to be at a market when all of this was going on.  Haha, the workers probably thought I was nuts.  I'm going to the eye doctor in the morning to find out if I'm doing something wrong.  I just have an astigmatism, so the contacts are different than normal contacts and have to be worn a very specific way.  I'm really hoping I can figure it out because I DO NOT want to wear glasses the rest of my life.

I saw some pictures from the snowstorm in the east and began to dread coming home.  From the tropics to a tundra is not going to be fun.  Speaking of pictures... I've been trying to take pictures of things that make me laugh or things that I love around here, as I'm realizing I'm not sure when I'll be back.  Here are a few from the past couple of months.

haha :)

Local food... Matoke, beans, grean beans, a little meat.  SO good!

Random Bobcat in Sunday traffic

Pumpkin Carving with the Hopson family is a tradition Jean and I started
in 2008 :)

Guilt

Is Psalm 38 David is pleading with the Lord to be near to him, despite this overwhelming guilt that he feels because of his sin.  What strikes me when I read this Psalm is the amount of times David says "I" or "my".  He is pleading with the Lord, but every statement is about him.  He can hardly focus on the goodness of God because of guilt.  He is overcome with sadness and remorse.  David wants the Lord to forgive him and spare him from the wrath due to him.  David's sins were so great and he was in such despair that he could hardly bear it.

Verse 4 says, "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear."

I've been thinking about the word guilt a lot lately.  What does it actually mean to be guilty?  How can you keep from feeling guilty when you know that something is your fault (partly or completely)... but there's nothing you can do to change it?  As I've been praying away feelings of guilt for something that is beyond my control, verse 4 of this Psalm keeps creeping back to me.  "My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear."  

MY guilt.  Something I've done.  Over and over, no matter how many people say something isn't your fault, do you find yourself arguing with that?  I do.  Constantly.  And it's becoming so heavy that I can't bear it any more.  

So what can I do when I'm overwhelmed with grief and sorrow because of guilt, whether righteous or not?  As I look at some old testament accounts of the guilty... even men like David, I'm reminded that Jesus Christ took the wrath of God when he died on the cross.  God is NOT a God of guilt.  Satan is the prince of darkness and a big fat liar.  He reminds us of things we've done or makes us believe that certain things have arisen because of us.  His goal is to bring up these feelings of guilt so that we cannot be free.  It can take away from our ministries and completely overwhelm and destroy us.

Would you please join me in praying against feelings of guilt, especially from things that are beyond my control now?  I have a feeling that I'm not the only person who deals with this to some extent, so pray for this in your own life.  Jesus did not come to condemn us, but to save us.  Heal my heart, Jesus.

Sleepless thoughts

I didn't sleep much last night, if at all.  That's been happening a lot these days and I'm not too thrilled about it.  I know there's reason behind it, but I can't do anything to change that reason right now so I'm sure it will just continue.  BUT in all of my restlessness I've had lots of time to think and pray.  Here are some very random thoughts from the past few nights:

• I try to fix things for others too much, not enough time is spent dealing with my own stuff
• My niece, Kayla will be 7 years old in two and a half weeks.  I wish she would stop growing up so fast!
• Continuing a dream that you started years ago is trippy... and brings you back.  As this one dream has recently made a reappearance, I realize that it couldn't continue it until I had grown a bit and experienced other things.
• I miss Lino and Angelo more than they will ever know.  This past summer spent with them was full of laughter, love, and adventure.  Probably my favorite people ever.
• My youth kids are amazing and they change me just as much, if not more than I change them.
• Skype is magical!
• Seeing the lasting results of a simple choice is eye-opening and sometimes heartbreaking.
• I have lots of friends and students who need Jesus, am I being Jesus to them everyday?
• I'm sick of having regrets, even about little things.  Spirit, help me be free.
• Grad school is necessary, but very intimidating
• I want so badly to help others that sometimes I over step boundaries
• It's easy for me to let other's choices dictate my choices
• I miss sleep
• My expectations of people have led to lots of let downs... should I change my expectations?
• Africa has completely, 100% changed me and I'm glad.
• For the rest of my life my heart will be split in two... half in America, half in Africa.
• I love wisdom from older women who love the Lord.
• Sudan is broken, it's people are suffering immensely.  I want to do something.
• Sometimes when I try to help, I end up making things worse.
• Up until this year I was not an emotional person at all... things change.  I cry now.  It's weird.
• My mom is the most thoughtful person I've ever known.  I love her.
• I'm a people pleaser, but can't make everyone happy at once.
• It's not easy for me to learn a language.  Swahili is hard for me.
• Worshipping Jesus with no inhibitions is beautiful.
• Having someone really love you and everything about you does not completely take away insecurities.  Kooky.
• Wearing glasses is annoying (and I don't often do it), I can't wait until my contacts are ready!
• My dad is incredibly strong, even now that his physical body is weak and deteriorating.  I love him.
• Alexandria, my youngest niece is the funniest person I know.  I can't wait to hang out with her again!
• I have lots and no matter what I do, I live above the majority.  Uncomfortable.
• Singing and playing guitar are passions of mine... I need to get back into song writing.  It's been too long.
• I'm very much disconnected with life in the States.  It's strange.
• I have been shutting people out, partially because I'm lazy and partially because my heart doesn't want to deal with more relationships.
• My sister and I fight a lot, but we have also laughed a lot together.  It'll be good to be home.
• My brother is finally sober.  My heart is still very burdened for him.  Best friend.
• Most of my friends are married and having children... I'm not sure I fit in there.  Maybe this is why I hang out with my youth kids so much (or maybe it's because they're awesome!)
• God has given me the ability to build relationships very easily... I should stop shutting people out.
• I want to go to Arizona when I get home.  I miss it.
• 1st and 2nd Peter are refreshing.
• Despite my shutting people out, I have a really hard time letting go.  
• I should let my anxieties go.
• Lino makes me laugh more than anyone... he also makes me think.  I love having good conversations with him.  Little brother.
• God, in His silence is trusting me.  He trusts me enough to be silent.  Amazing.
• My hair needs to hurry up and grow.  I'm over short hair.
• Should I go home for Christmas?  Right now the decision depends on other people, should it?  
• Even when life here is tough, there's nowhere else I'd rather be.  
• I wish my family would come and experience my life here.  I wish my friends would come too.  It would change their lives.

So this is what I've spent a lot of time thinking through lately.  I'm determined to sleep without taking tylenol pm all the time so until sleep finds me, my mind will be running free.  I say, "Jesus take my anxieties, fears, and worries."  He says, "Remain in Me."

Internet Issues

The Centre of Hope had a week break from classes this week.  It's been strange and I've been missing my students a ton!  I'm so excited to see them all on Tuesday and do Bible study with them on Wednesday.  This week I've spent a lot of time working on a newsletter for one of my projects.  Schools here are on the year-round system, so the year is coming to a close next month.  On of my main projects this year has been a sponsorship program for Kikongo Primary school out on Buvuma Island.  We have about 150 students sponsored right now and we're working on a renewal campaign.  I'm hoping that every single sponsor sticks with their student again for this coming year.

The internet has been terribly unreliable this week, so it's been a bit of a slow process.  It's amazing the things I take for granted.  The last time I was in Uganda the internet was SLOW.  And I mean, SLOW!  It was almost as bad as the old dial-up in the States.  This time it's been fast enough to video skype and even to watch the Super Bowl live.  The difference is amazing.  When I came back I was expecting to need about 20 minutes just to get email and facebook to load... this just hasn't been the case.  Until this week.  I've actually become annoyed with myself and my impatience.

Today, it's taken me about 3 hours to get information gathered when it should have taken about 30 minutes at most.  BUT I've decided to check my attitude.  I cannot tell you all how very grateful I am to have internet at all.  Last time I didn't even have it in my apartment, this time I have it at home and it's almost always great.  I'm thankful to Jesus for the internet and the ability to communicate with you all.  I'm also thankful that I can keep up to date on the news.  It's awesome to wake up in the morning and check CNN for the latest news.  It's easy to feel disconnected from the world... especially since I don't have tv.

Anyways, I've been encouraged this week through my own discouragement.  Doesn't make much sense does it?  Well what I mean is that it's been another really difficult week because of the situation in Sudan and the people I work with, but in spite of the difficulty Jesus has been speaking loud and clear.  There have been moments when I've been completely at a loss with no idea what to do, so I just pray.  Jesus has helped me through this week in huge ways.  Prayer has carried me.

Please, please continue praying for Sudan and the Blue Nile region.  It's terrible... and it's going unnoticed.  People's lives are being lost... lives of the loved ones of those that I love.

This article may help you understand the current situation.  Please read it and please pray.  Thanks!!

Reasons to Smile

I had a really rough day today.  Almost rough enough to make me want to cry... almost. :)  BUT it's 11:30pm and it's almost over.  Despite the difficulty of the day, here are some reasons to smile:

• Jesus is much bigger than all of my anxieties and worries, doubts and fears
• His grace and love are sufficient even when I don't recognize it that way
• I am washed by the blood of the Lamb
• I am my Beloved's and He is mine
• I have a family who loves me no matter what
• Safety on the crazy roads, even when driving my not-so-awesome manual vehicle
• Seeing a breath-taking African sunrise
• I live in Africa
• Prayer/Bible study with my "Africa mom"
• Friends here who have become family (Ackers)... and being comfortable enough to walk into their home and help myself to dinner
• Celebrating Saudi's birthday with everyone
• Living in a country where I'm free to sing praises to my King
• The moon bursting through the clouds to illuminate the world around me on my drive home tonight
• Being loved, really loved, all of me
• Hearing an R. Kelly song on the radio on the way home
• Clean drinking water and food
• Electricity (and an inverter when the electricity goes off for 36 hours at a time)
• Little boys I was babysitting shouting, "Bye Christina!!" as I'm getting in my car
• Seeing Lino and Angelo on Skype
• Looking at a picture of my nieces who I love dearly
• Seeing pictures of my youth kids in America on FB and being proud of the people they are
• Baby goats
• Watching "Far and Away" with Saudi and everyone and thoroughly enjoying reactions to realizations of happenings
• My knee is healing well and starting to feel stronger... hopefully I can be more active in about a week
• "Monkey birds" laughing in the trees
• The beauty of this land
• Feeling at comfortable and at home here
• People speaking Swahili to me and me being able to understand some of it
• Music
• Coke Light aka Diet Coke
• A friend picking some stuff up at the market for me
• Glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling, left by the previous family, reminding me of my childhood

So even though today was incredibly rough for me, I can still smile and say "Thank You, Jesus."  I am blessed.

Church

As I chatted with a friend in America last night, I was asked how church is these days.  So here's my story...

Since arriving back in Uganda about 9 months ago now, I've been a church hopper.  This is very different from the last time I was here because last time I spent much of my time at United Faith Chapel at Kampala International University.  I love that faith community and I love being a part of university ministries.  Something was different for me this time though.  I think many factors have played a role in my hopping. For one thing, the ladies from my discipleship group have all graduated and gone back to Kenya.  I've only been able to see a few of them this year when they've been around on holidays.  My heart misses that sweet group of young ladies.  For another thing, my roommates during this past school year attended a church downtown pastored by a great guy, the father of some of the students at Heritage.  I went there a few times with my roommates and a student from HIS.  Another factor has been working with so many different cultures at the Centre of Hope means visiting churches of my students.  It's really been interesting actually.

So anyways the church I attended the most last time has gone through a change in leadership in the past 5 or 6 months and it's been a bit rough on the community.  The pastor that had been here for years went back to Kenya and was going to be traveling back and forth frequently, but that just hasn't been able to happen.  I think that the people left in charge over here became very overwhelmed with the new responsibilities and commitments.  AND obviously it's always difficult for a church body to go through a time of transition.  It's been a tough season for them and it's been tough for me to see.  On one hand I don't believe we should be so dependent on our head pastors that it's rough when they are reassigned, however I do recognize that we all get very attached to great pastors so accepting the change can be difficult.

Alright, let me tell you about church this morning...

I woke up with just enough time to grab a quick shower, throw my hair up in a ponytail, wrap my knee (in preparation for the 5-story climb to the church's meeting place at the university), grab some bread and peanut butter, and be on my way.  I called my boda driver who is almost always available on Sunday mornings, especially when it is cloudy and cold like this morning.  I hopped on the boda and we cruised on over to the university.  I paid him and started the walk down the hill, onto campus.  The charcoal-grey clouds were looming and very menacing looking.  I mentally prepared myself for a wet boda ride home, thankful that I had remembered to throw a scarf in my bag.

As I approached the parking lot I didn't see any of the other missionary's vehicles and was a bit surprised.  There's usually at least one other family there.  I didn't mind though, it's sometimes fun being the only mzungu around.  I climbed the stairs and when I reached the top (pitifully out of breath) I noticed how few students were actually there.  Then realization hit that this weekend there was a spiritual retreat and most of the students were still gone on that.  So I sat down with the approximately 150 people that were there and settled in for the sermon.  Right after the announcements were finished and the speaker began the message, it began to pour.  I'm not just talking a little drizzle, I mean an all out downpour.  It was so white outside that I couldn't see the next building.  We meet on the top floor of the building so the sound was loud enough to drown out the sound of the speaker.  With my already bad ears, I knew there was no way I would be able to make out a word of what he was saying.

So I pulled out my Bible and began where I left off reading in 1 Peter.  With the noise of the rain and the drone of the amplified voice that I couldn't make out, it was hard to concentrate.  I plugged one ear and began to read aloud the words of Peter.  The first chapter is a call to absolute holy living, to turn completely from your old life and walk forward fresh and new in Christ.  By the time I had read and meditated on those words the rain began to slow and I could start to hear a few words here and there from the speaker.  The first two words I could clearly hear him say were, "be holy."  From there he explored a few different passages, ending with Jesus taking the wrath of God so we don't have to.  All in all, a good message.  I'm thankful for time to read on my own and also for time to hear to Word from the speaker.  

The rain now at a steady, heavy drizzle I had to decide whether to wait it out or move forward.  I decided to call my boda and begin my walk up to the main road to meet him.  With my scarf covering my shoulders and my head bowed, I walked up the hill.  There was a tent to stand under near the road, so I wasn't completely soaked by the time the boda arrived.  The drive home was pretty frigid feeling to me which reminded me that in 3 months I'll be living in a subzero, icy tundra again.  I'm shivering just thinking about it.  So I'm home now, in dry clothes, sitting under my blankets, enjoying the sound of a church still worshipping down the hill.  Some churches go all day and this one just down the hill from me is no exception.  There's a very joyous sound to the beat and it's evident that they are loving praising Jesus this morning.  :)

As for me, if the sun comes out I'll be outside getting some reading done this afternoon, if not I'm satisfied sitting in bed all snuggly and warm.  At some point I have to run to the market because the only food I have is bread and peanut butter... I have to warm up before I can hop on another boda in the rain.  I also have grad school research to do.  I'm still not sure where I'm going or what I'm doing for certain, but I'm definitely leaning towards a Christian counseling degree.  Very practical for my work as a missionary with youth and refugees and with youth ministry in the States.  We'll see.  First I think I have to take the GRE, which I'm dreading.  I've been out of school for far too long.  Prayers welcome.  Happy Sunday! 

My Kryptonite

The evening was off to a rough start.  Our bass player was sick, the keyboardist was unavailable all of a sudden, and I was one of 4 people singing.  Somehow all of the other singers were inhibited by traffic.  It was obvious that satan was working to prevent us from having a good, focused worship evening.

People started trickling in and taking their seats.  The instruments and mics were set and we were ready to go.  After a time of prayer together we took our places as a team and the praise and worship began.  With only one practice under our belts and many song changes, we were essentially winging it.  Thankfully the level of talent on the team is incredible, so I wasn't too worried... for the others.  I, on the other hand have always had to try really hard to just be decent, it's not effortless for me like it is for the others.  

I've been leading worship since I was about 15 or 16.  I've always been pretty comfortable standing in front of people, but I've never been confident in my skill level.  I can lead and sing for about an hour before my voice grows weak due to the nodes on my vocal chords.  At that point my lower range is non-existent and my upper range is in jeopardy of cracking.

As the only girl singing soprano and sometimes the only person carrying the melody, I began to worry about my voice.  Before I could get too distracted and forget why I was standing up there leading for two hours, I began to pray.  After praying and bringing my focus back to Jesus, it was easier and much more peaceful. 

And then it happened.  After one of the songs I opened my eyes to see a giant, black, cricket just feet away from me.  This may seem like it's no big deal to some, but crickets (bugs in general, but crickets are the worst!!) are my kryptonite.  I began to panic.  My heart started racing and I couldn't focus on anything, but getting away from that cricket.  There's no telling when it might come at me.  I began to plot my escape immediately.  If I just shut off my mic and walked off maybe they would just assume I was sick or something.  

I had quite a few options for escape routes, but before I could flee the Spirit reminded me why I was there.  I was reminded that satan didn't want this evening to happen.  He didn't want a crowd of people to come and join us, to stand and worship the King of Kings.  He didn't want Christ to get any glory.  Walking off the "stage" as one of the only, or the only person singing melody just wasn't an option.  So once again I prayed and while I never took my eye off of the thing for too long after that, I was able to stand there and sing.  To lift up my hands and praise my Creator.  One of the next songs we did after that little demon was sent to destroy me was "It is Well."  It was beautiful to be able to stand there with this creeper creature taunting me and proclaim that it was indeed well with my soul. 

The evening ended about 20 minutes later my voice was almost completely gone.  Never once during the two hours did it crack or sound weak.  One of the youth who was at the event (she had been sitting in the front row and is very aware of my affliction to bugs) came up to me to lovingly let me know that the disgusting bug had been literally right next to my shoe at one point, but I never saw it because my eyes were focused on God.  Thankfully... or I definitely would have had to flee!

Worship night with Studio_10 at Heritage is an event that I've yet to miss participating in since I've been in Uganda.  The first worship night we had was in December of 2008.  Since then the studio has grown is both size and popularity.  I'm blessed to be a part of such a talented group of people who accept me as I am.

So that's my silly story this week.  You can laugh if you want to.  I completely understand that my intense fear of bugs is ridiculous, but I can't seem to shake it.  I'll hold a snake, swim with a shark, or play with a mouse or rat, but bugs make me want to run away screaming and crying.  Don't judge.

Decisions... decisions...

I have just over three months until I get on a plane to head home.  First of all, yikes!  And wow!  This year has flown by.  For the past week I've been seriously thinking about the future and what the next year might possibly look like.  I get easily overwhelmed because there are so many options in front of me.  Would you join me in praying through these options?

One option is to come home, work for 5 months or so and then come right back here independently to continue my work with refugees.  This work has stirred my heart and I've become very passionate about working with refugees... especially youth as I know I'm called to work with youth in some capacity.  I would also start an online program to get my masters degree, probably in counseling.

Another option is to apply to the MD program (check out wgm.org for more info), fundraise and come back in about a year and a half with WGM.

Yet another option is to stay home, work, and start my Masters at an actual school instead of online.  There are many options rights now as far as schools go.  I'm looking at one in Chicago, one in Indiana, and one in Mississippi.  There's one in New Jersey with an amazing youth ministry program, but the cost would be nearly as much as my undergrad at IWU.  Now, with my Masters I also have a lot of things to choose from.  I've been highly recommended to get a Masters of Divinity, though my original plan was a Masters in Youth Ministry.  I've recently been thinking about my work with refugees and a Masters in Counseling, specializing in refugees and PTSD would be incredibly helpful for that work.

In any case I would like to start my Masters within the year.  So I'm trying to figure out if online will work or if I'll need to suck it up and stay home (in America).  Of course some of this is contingent on another person, when/if (and hopefully soon) I get married.

SO, in essence I have lots of questions and lots of decisions to make.  There are things that I want, but I don't know if they're best.  So at this point I'm praying about the next step.  I need to make a decision soon because if I'm coming back to Uganda sooner rather than later I'll need to fundraise and figure out how to come back independently.   If I'm staying in America I'll need to start applying to grad schools/seminaries.

This is what's occupying my mind these days.  I'd appreciate prayer.  My preference for these options change daily.  Tonight, going to IWU and living in Marion is winning... that is, until I think a bit longer and realize that means being out of Africa for at least 3 years.  :(  Oops... back to the drawing board.

Extreme Baller

You all know that I'm an extreme baller, right?  Riiiiight.  In any case one of my favorite things to do is play volleyball with the Sudanese guys.  This picture is from one of our last games before Lino and Angelo left for Canada... I'm hidden behind Hussein, who's wearing the grey shirt.  Anyways, this past Saturday evening I went over to play.  We haven't played in such a long time because with the guys in Canada, Shelah hurting her foot, and the others back at boarding school there haven't been enough of us to play.  Shelah is finally good enough to play and Saudi and Hussein were around, so we got some games going.  The court we play on is in their front yard, on a down slope.  It's steep enough to roll down... like a child.  :)

We played Americans vs Africans and were pretty evenly matched.  Jade, Shelah, and I vs Hussein, Saudi, and Meron.  After about 4 games played to 25 points, Shelah sat down to rest her foot.  Lidya took her place on our team.  I normally play in the back because of my height deficiency, but I moved up to play front with Jade while Lidya played in the back.

That's when it happened.  We had a pretty good volley going, but Lidya hit it out on our side.  In an attempt to save it I turned and leapt down towards the ball to hit it back inbounds over my head to Jade.  As I leapt I must not have calculated the slope correctly.  I was looking up at the ball coming over my head... and when I landed on my right leg, my knee hyperextended and I heard a "popping" sound.  The pain was immediate and I was down.  In case you're wondering... I did hit the ball, but the play ended when I hit the ground.

I sat there holding my knee, trying not to give into the temptation to shout.  How embarrassing!  But I was assured that my attempt at least looked good.  I sat with ice on it for about 10 minutes and then I tried to stand.  I was able to put weight on it and walk up the hill with the help and Lidya and Shelah.  I was supposed to be meeting some friends for dinner, so I hopped in the car and headed off.  I drive a manual vehicle so the constant shifting and letting on and off the gas didn't help the pain, but I made it to the restaurant.

The verdict is that I've torn a ligament in my right knee.  I'm not sure the extent of the damage, but I do know that it's pretty weak right now.  I've been icing it and trying to stay off of it.  I also have an ace bandage which helps support the area where the pain is.  It's a major bummer because even riding a boda hurts a bit and I normally walk and ride bodas during the week.  I am thankful, however, that I didn't hurt it bad enough to where I couldn't walk.  I can move and get stuff done, just at a much slower pace.  Right now the worst part is knowing how long it will take to heal.  I just want to get back out there and play volleyball... I guess I should work on walking first though.

So if it's not stronger in about a month, I'll go have it looked at.  The most important thing for you to remember is that I hit the ball back in and it's because of my extreme ballin that I got injured.  :)

News

Check out this story and continue to pray for this region and the nations of South Sudan and Sudan.

Real Danger

"Gunshots in the night. Bombs rocking the earth. Running for your life. Where's my family? Did they survive? Will I? War. Endless war. All I've ever known since I was a child is war.

It's just a way of life now. The choice to join the fight was easy... if that kind of choice is ever easy for a child of 13. Fighting for freedom, fighting for rights. Fighting to see an end to the oppression of thousands, if not millions of my people. Fighting so that when I have kids they can be free, educated, and maybe even well off. Fighting so that life can improve. Fighting so that we can simply stay alive and see another sunrise over the African savannah. Fighting because there doesn't seem to be any other choice.

The worst of our danger used to be the lions, hyenas, crocs, hippos, and snakes. Now the danger comes from our fellow man. Guns are heavy when you're 13, but I would never have admitted that at the time. We trained, learned tactics, and became machines. Machines with one function. We were trained not to stare into our enemies eyes and just to fire. Seeing the eyes makes it worse. I don't know the number of people who fell to my bullets, I don't want to know. We were trained that the lives of our enemies were worthless. I learned to shoot a gun before I ever learned how to ride a bike, before I learned much at all about the world. My education stopped when I joined the army. What's the use in finishing school if you're dead before you graduate? I made it through 3rd grade before the war came close to home.

I'm now 27 and in my junior year of high school. I'm a former child soldier; a man now in the eyes of the world, but I was a man long before most."

So I wrote this tonight because of a dream/nightmare I had early this morning. It was so real, I was there. It's been in my mind all day and I just can't ignore it anymore. You are all aware that I'm friends with some former child soldiers from Sudan. These guys are my brothers and I love them very much. This isn't any one of their very different, very specific stories. This is a combination of what I've been told by them and many others like them. The thought of writing a book has run through my mind many times, but I don't actually want to gain from the horrific knowledge and pictures that fill my brain. I simply want to raise awareness.

You guys, there is fighting in the Blue Nile region in (North) Sudan. I know I mentioned this in my last post, but as I chatted with one of the guys recently the situation reached a new level in my mind. Their families have fled. One doesn't know where his father is, the probability of his life being over is very high. The guys are stressed and upset and how could they not be? One of them seriously mentioned going home to help his family... leaving school and entering a war zone. This isn't just any war zone, it's a place where they are being hunted for their affiliation with the "rebel" army of the South. Those affiliated with the South are being captured, tortured, and killed.

When he told me he wanted to go home my heart started pounding as if it were trying to escape from my chest. Knowing that my student from the Centre and one of their fathers has already been captured does not leave me much hope that the same won't happen to him too. I started to feel nauseous at the thought of loosing a brother. In all honesty I panicked a bit. There's no doubt in my mind that if he goes home right now, he'll be killed. Sitting here in Uganda, not knowing if he was safe or not would drive me crazy. For him, not going home is betraying his family. With the possibility of his father being dead, he's now the oldest male in the household and is expected to take care of the family. The family that he's not lived with since he was a child, the family he's not seen lately. He feels obligated to drop his education and go. He knows the risk, but denies it.

The war in Sudan and South Sudan is not over. Fighting continues, lives are being lost, and people are once again fleeing their homes. It's too real. The second that one of them mentioned going home was the second that my world view changed. I wasn't content with their past, but the chance of their future being a reflection of their past is not ok. History repeating is not ok.

Please join me in falling to your knees for Sudan and South Sudan. Lift up these two nations, and all war torn nations to the Lord. People that you don't know and probably never would have come in contact with are dying. Guys and families that I love are in danger. Very real danger. The greatest danger though, is that they don't know Jesus. Plead for their souls with me. Pray for truth to be revealed and for hearts to be softened to the Word. Pray for them to see visions... many Muslims have come to Christ through visions. Pray. They have heard the truth about Jesus... pray for acceptance. Pray for peace in those nations, pray for peace in their hearts as they're "stuck" in school. Pray. Pray for safety. Pray. Please.

Different

Different. That's the word I would use to describe this term here in Uganda. Not bad, but very different. Last time my focus was on my students and the youth at Heritage International School and my lovely bible study ladies from Kampala International University. I spent most (if not all) of my time building and nurturing relationships, caring for people, and loving on them as much as I could. This time I've spent a lot of time working behind the scenes, if you will, on various projects for WGM. On the side I've been teaching ESL to amazing refugees at the Centre of Hope and I was hanging with the youth at Heritage for a while too. Well now that Lino and Angelo are gone and I'm not rooming with any teachers, I don't feel connected to Heritage at all. It's a very strange feeling to be in Kampala and not have a reason to hang out at Heritage. They now have two people working with the youth at the school and I definitely don't feel needed there. Also, not being a teacher there it might be weird for me to just be hanging around a bunch of teenagers. (don't want to be too much of a creeper, you know?)

My relational outlet comes when I'm teaching at the Centre and I'm so very thankful to be a part of the ministry there. Nothing brightens my day more than walking onto the compound and being greeted by at least 5-10 of my students who are just hanging out, waiting for class to start. I recently reconnected with one of my girls who has been given the chance to go to school... she was on holiday and visiting the Centre. She, out of no where, came up to me to say thank you for the things we learned in reading and writing class. She said the practicality of it has been extremely helpful and she's grateful for me. When you're having a rough day, what more could you want to hear to brighten it up? I felt very blessed to be a part of God's work there. I'm teaching a new class there now and some from my other class have transfered into my new class because they like my teaching style. Its just amazing to me.

I've also been able to still hang out with the Sudanese guys a lot. We've had some really good conversations and we're still learning a whole lot from one another. Their school holiday is over now and they're all back at school. All but one of them goes to boarding school so needless to say it's quiet around here... especially since Lino and Angelo are in Canada. :( Unfortunately, as I'm sure you've seen me post on facebook, the region where the guys are from in Sudan is intense and very dangerous with fighting. One them has a father who has been captured by the government in the north for being associated with the "rebels" in the south. It's very messy and very scary. Even one of my students from the Centre of hope has been captured. He was a child soldier with the south, like my guys, and was home visiting over the school holiday. We've not heard anything since we heard that he was captured. There are many uncertainties right now and my guys are all struggling, not knowing how their families are doing. Most of their families have fled. Thousands have fled to Ethiopia. The guys just began their last term of the school year. It's vital that they do well in order to move up a grade, and one is in line to finish and graduate in November. Please pray for their minds and hearts as they are in school, unable to communicate with their families. Pray also for their souls and for them to come to know Jesus as their personal savior.

Lino and Angelo are adjusting and doing well in Canada. They both tried out for and made the varsity soccer team in their first week of school. No surprise there at all. However academically it's already proved to be a bit of a challenge for both of them. Angelo skipped a grade here in Kampala and is short on credits. Both guys are having to take extra class (hard classes) in order to graduate on time in June. We've skyped a few times and it's always so good to see their smiling faces. They are certainly very missed here. I was at Heritage for an event on Friday night and it was my first time on campus since they left... it was definitely NOT fun without them! Anyways, I'm so very proud of them and I'm looking forward to seeing them in the near-ish future. Depending on where they are for spring break I may go visit them. If that doesn't work I'm going to try to go up there in June for their graduation. Pray for them as they continue to adjust to life in the west. Pray for the minds as they are stretched to new levels academically. Pray for their hearts and mental statuses being 9,000 miles away from home and 2 of a total of 4 black people in a giant school. As always pray for their souls. They need to know Jesus. I've been praying for Godly men/friends to show up in their lives in Canada. Join me.

So anyways I'm not sure where I was going with this, other than to say that things are very different right now. I'm still in love with this place and count myself very blessed to be living here and experiencing this part of God's cast creation. Most days, there's no where in the world I would rather be. I love going to the grocery store for something as simple as eggs and finding chicken feathers in the carton. I love hearing the crazy birds squawking at each other all day long. I love watching the sunrise over Lake Victoria through the morning fog. I love taking boda rides instead of driving when I want to zone out and enjoy the beauty of this place. I love seeing the beauty in nearly everything that I'm surrounded by. What a glorious gift from Jesus to be here. Thanks be to God.